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I know this kind of thread gets posted every so often but there's no recent threads and I just need to vent already because my frustration level seems so have reached its peak. Lately I have started to feel so bad about being single. I thought I had gotten a handle on it and accepted it but this past month I feel such a strong sense of longing and I can't seem to shake it.
There are a few things which have fueled it. One is the damn Christmas movies. My mom loves watching and I have watched a couple with her lately. I used to really enjoy them but this year they just make me feel worse. The other thing which made it worse was meeting a guy I really liked. This fall I joined an adult rec curling league because I wanted to branch out and meet new people and my aunt asked me to join. I met a guy there who I got a crush on. He's completely out of my league but even though nothing will ever come of it, the daydreams were nice. He had me thinking things and dreaming things I hadn't been for some time and it was nice for 3 weeks, just seeing him made me happy. But then I found out he moved away and it kind of shut down my daydreaming. But it seemed to re-activate in me this sense of longing for a relationship and this need for connection to a guy. I thought I had managed to shut down those feelings as it hasn't seemed to bother me this last 10 months or so. I thought I'd accepted that I would be single forever and had decided not to date anymore and focus on just being a good mom to my kids and focus on other things in life than men.
There is a guy I sleep with from time to time (maybe twice a year) and I thought maybe it was just sex I was missing and a good one-off would be enough to reset and refocus so I contacted him, we slept together, and the sex, while good, just made me feel worse in the end because it lacked the emotional connection I'm craving. Now I spend my days often on the verge of crying and my mind constantly going about this. Maybe it's the change of season from fall to winter that always brings this on but I don't know how I can get through the next 2 months being a basketcase. I am dreading Christmas so much because I know it always peaks at Christmas. And this is the year I don't get my kids on Christmas (I get every 2nd year) cause they're gone to their dad's from the 21st to 30th so it's going to feel even worse than last year. I blew up at my mom yesterday because she was talking about Christmas and I told her we should just cancel Christmas because I didn't feel like going through the agony. I have never been a big lover of this season. Since my parents split up when I was 12, I always hated having my parents fighting over who got to spend what with the kids and as an adult I always felt like it was the season of always going bankrupt buying things for people. I definitely don't feel the Christmas spirit but how to I find it in me to not be a grouch about it so I don't ruin it for my kids and my mom who care about it? I'm struggling so much.
I remember my partner having a rough time when he wasn't able to spend Christmas with his family. He would be blue for weeks. So yeah holidays can be a depressing time but it is I helped him understand get it's only that way if you let it be.
You still have your mother you still get to watch movies with her. You didn't mention our father or brothers or sisters but if you love these people you still have them and get together with him during the holidays if that's what you do and be happy with what you have. There's people that don't have any of that.
If you take on this attitude of gratitude that rhymes strictly by accident, Mormon will be attracted to you. It's hard to do and the Christmas movies I'm assuming the Hallmark Christmas movies you seem to be like romance novels and they'll make anyone feel bad that's why I don't watch them number one reason present car cases explosions or death defying stunts I'm not interested. Joking aside it's like a romance novel. Can you see this picture perfect life of these things that just happen and people just kind of stumble into this happiness and it's absolutely not realistic at all. They're feel good movies designed to give people the woman fuzzies. I would say it's something to be proud of yourself for because you don't fall for it. It means you're more psychologically developed person.
But take stock of what you have in life and take considerations of the blessings that you have and know that you don't deserve them it's just something you have and this will give you a different perspective.
I had to go through this myself to a degree. I accepted that I was gay and that I would be with men and the likelihood of children was remote if not impossible. Being a father was something I always dreamed about doing I wanted to be a father when I was a little boy. If the opportunity came up today I'd leap on it. That longing will never go away. But leaving it on fulfilled this is not going to stop me from being happy. And through a couple of depressing years of my life I had to evaluate things I had and understand how lucky I was. It would a hard thing to do I cried many tears and it's been a lot of time angry through the process but it's worth it I would do it a thousand times if I had to because I know what the reward is on the other side now trust me it's worth it.
The only other alternative is despair and when you're there and you probably have been because most people have been is starting to think about things things that I don't even want to mention.
So go through what you have and understand you have it because you're lucky not because you earned it or because you deserve it because many people don't have it. You will find gratitude in doing this for the things you have and once you've crossed that Rubicon you will find it's better on the other side he'll start finding happiness in some of the silliest Little things and you might even find a person that will love you.
Also next time you see a guy that you really really like you have a crush on him it doesn't matter if he's out of your league. My life is riddled with people that married someone out of their league.
Movie sadness that you feel from being rejected is nowhere near as bad as the lament you will feel for not even trying.
Halfway through reading your post I was thinking of suggesting a FBW but that doesn't seem to work for you. How about leaning on family?
I don't like Christmas and I hated it when I was single. Everyone gathering with loved ones and family. It is dark early. Everyone is excited and I had no one. Not even family nearby. I just hated it. Friends are usually pity inviting me but it feels weird crashing THEIR families christmas. I tried to travel, that failed, too.
I have no suggestion other than virtual hugs. I hope others chime in and have better advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
If you are a certain age it becomes very difficult to make friends. My only way to find new people was through hobbies.
Especially a team sport. I played beach volleyball for a while (through a friend) and met like 30 new people, a whole new circle. How about picking up a new sport where you meet others?
Many people have lost being social through Corona and just don't do much anymore or not with others. I have a very good friend who barely leaves the house since 2020 because she is so fed up and doesn't want to see anyone.
As I said in my opening post, I did try to pick up a new sport--curling. Up here in Canada it's a fairly common winter sport. I used to play rec soccer pre-covid but my physical fitness level has gone way down the last few years and the rec league was mostly guys in their 20s. I was one of very few women playing and it was hard enough playing with the men when I was fit. 39-year-old me just doesn't have it in her anymore.
so you are saying - skip the drinking, rehab, moving away - just buy a house?
Lol. I actually moved back in with my mother this year because my rent got raised and I couldn't afford it and I want to save up money for a house and I couldn't save anything while renting. I pay half the rent and half the utilities that I was paying while renting.
Maybe I should start drinking. I come from a long line of drinkers after all so I think I could be good at it.
You could volunteer to give rides to cancer patients who don't have rides to treatment/chemo and talk to them.
I would assume that would probably make any human person more thankful ... for a little while at least.
As for myself ... any time off work is a happy time.
I'm not sure I could do that. I work doing palliative care and I think that would put me into compassion overload. Just worked an evening shift and two people I saw tonight I sat with for a bit because they were crying to me how lonely they were. My heart just broke for them. I think that might be why being single bothers me even more because I see how it is for people who are dying alone and I don't want that to be me.
As I said in my opening post, I did try to pick up a new sport--curling. Up here in Canada it's a fairly common winter sport. I used to play rec soccer pre-covid but my physical fitness level has gone way down the last few years and the rec league was mostly guys in their 20s. I was one of very few women playing and it was hard enough playing with the men when I was fit. 39-year-old me just doesn't have it in her anymore.
It's good that you are "getting out there" and availing yourself to new people. As far as being "too old" (at 39) to play soccer, maybe look for a "co-ed" league. Those are the most fun, anyways.
However, soccer is pretty hard, on the body, so maybe another sport might be in the cards. Curling at 39? You're TOO YOUNG for curling. (Maybe in another 30 years, tho.)
How about something like "Pickleball?" (This is very popular here. Even for people in their 60's-70's.)
I remember my partner having a rough time when he wasn't able to spend Christmas with his family. He would be blue for weeks. So yeah holidays can be a depressing time but it is I helped him understand get it's only that way if you let it be.
You still have your mother you still get to watch movies with her. You didn't mention our father or brothers or sisters but if you love these people you still have them and get together with him during the holidays if that's what you do and be happy with what you have. There's people that don't have any of that.
If you take on this attitude of gratitude that rhymes strictly by accident, Mormon will be attracted to you. It's hard to do and the Christmas movies I'm assuming the Hallmark Christmas movies you seem to be like romance novels and they'll make anyone feel bad that's why I don't watch them number one reason present car cases explosions or death defying stunts I'm not interested. Joking aside it's like a romance novel. Can you see this picture perfect life of these things that just happen and people just kind of stumble into this happiness and it's absolutely not realistic at all. They're feel good movies designed to give people the woman fuzzies. I would say it's something to be proud of yourself for because you don't fall for it. It means you're more psychologically developed person.
But take stock of what you have in life and take considerations of the blessings that you have and know that you don't deserve them it's just something you have and this will give you a different perspective.
I had to go through this myself to a degree. I accepted that I was gay and that I would be with men and the likelihood of children was remote if not impossible. Being a father was something I always dreamed about doing I wanted to be a father when I was a little boy. If the opportunity came up today I'd leap on it. That longing will never go away. But leaving it on fulfilled this is not going to stop me from being happy. And through a couple of depressing years of my life I had to evaluate things I had and understand how lucky I was. It would a hard thing to do I cried many tears and it's been a lot of time angry through the process but it's worth it I would do it a thousand times if I had to because I know what the reward is on the other side now trust me it's worth it.
The only other alternative is despair and when you're there and you probably have been because most people have been is starting to think about things things that I don't even want to mention.
So go through what you have and understand you have it because you're lucky not because you earned it or because you deserve it because many people don't have it. You will find gratitude in doing this for the things you have and once you've crossed that Rubicon you will find it's better on the other side he'll start finding happiness in some of the silliest Little things and you might even find a person that will love you.
Also next time you see a guy that you really really like you have a crush on him it doesn't matter if he's out of your league. My life is riddled with people that married someone out of their league.
Movie sadness that you feel from being rejected is nowhere near as bad as the lament you will feel for not even trying.
Thanks for the advice. I wish I was brave enough to go after guys I like but I guess I fear how bad I'd feel if I got rejected. I was never cool in high school, rather shy and when it comes to guys I guess I can't get myself out of the way I felt back then, like I'm on a lower social rung.
Thanks for the advice. I wish I was brave enough to go after guys I like but I guess I fear how bad I'd feel if I got rejected.
being rejected isn't that bad of a thing if you really think about it if you've been in relationships where you weren't rejected you find being strung along hurts a lot more. And guys are approachable. I was scared the first time and second time in a couple of more times after that one I approached a guy. But in reality they're doing you a favor by saying no they're not stringing you along. And if the last guy I talked to that I was interested in had not rejected me I wouldn't have found my partner.
Quote:
I was never cool in high school, rather shy and when it comes to guys I guess I can't get myself out of the way I felt back then, like I'm on a lower social rung.
I was kind of a bad boy in high school so people thought I was cool but they thought the thing I was pretending to be was cool they didn't know me. I kept a big part of me hidden because I was worried they would find out certain things about me that I wasn't proud of. Where I lived we didn't really have a social class separation so that's a bit of a foreign concept to me. But those people that you feel like you're lower than have the same problems and the same insecurities you do they're possibly more because they have their status to maintain.
You are what you are you are who you are and you shouldn't feel ashamed of that.
I'm not sure I could do that. I work doing palliative care and I think that would put me into compassion overload. Just worked an evening shift and two people I saw tonight I sat with for a bit because they were crying to me how lonely they were. My heart just broke for them. I think that might be why being single bothers me even more because I see how it is for people who are dying alone and I don't want that to be me.
Then I have no advice...
Sometimes young people just complain more. I did when I was younger. Ride it out and once you get older, you'll complain less.
And if you come back and say 'But I'm 55' then I have no advice...
I know this kind of thread gets posted every so often but there's no recent threads and I just need to vent already because my frustration level seems so have reached its peak. Lately I have started to feel so bad about being single. I thought I had gotten a handle on it and accepted it but this past month I feel such a strong sense of longing and I can't seem to shake it.
There are a few things which have fueled it. One is the damn Christmas movies. My mom loves watching and I have watched a couple with her lately. I used to really enjoy them but this year they just make me feel worse. The other thing which made it worse was meeting a guy I really liked. This fall I joined an adult rec curling league because I wanted to branch out and meet new people and my aunt asked me to join. I met a guy there who I got a crush on. He's completely out of my league but even though nothing will ever come of it, the daydreams were nice. He had me thinking things and dreaming things I hadn't been for some time and it was nice for 3 weeks, just seeing him made me happy. But then I found out he moved away and it kind of shut down my daydreaming. But it seemed to re-activate in me this sense of longing for a relationship and this need for connection to a guy. I thought I had managed to shut down those feelings as it hasn't seemed to bother me this last 10 months or so. I thought I'd accepted that I would be single forever and had decided not to date anymore and focus on just being a good mom to my kids and focus on other things in life than men.
There is a guy I sleep with from time to time (maybe twice a year) and I thought maybe it was just sex I was missing and a good one-off would be enough to reset and refocus so I contacted him, we slept together, and the sex, while good, just made me feel worse in the end because it lacked the emotional connection I'm craving. Now I spend my days often on the verge of crying and my mind constantly going about this. Maybe it's the change of season from fall to winter that always brings this on but I don't know how I can get through the next 2 months being a basketcase. I am dreading Christmas so much because I know it always peaks at Christmas. And this is the year I don't get my kids on Christmas (I get every 2nd year) cause they're gone to their dad's from the 21st to 30th so it's going to feel even worse than last year. I blew up at my mom yesterday because she was talking about Christmas and I told her we should just cancel Christmas because I didn't feel like going through the agony. I have never been a big lover of this season. Since my parents split up when I was 12, I always hated having my parents fighting over who got to spend what with the kids and as an adult I always felt like it was the season of always going bankrupt buying things for people. I definitely don't feel the Christmas spirit but how to I find it in me to not be a grouch about it so I don't ruin it for my kids and my mom who care about it? I'm struggling so much.
I'm single too and you have to remember that your loneliness is magnified during the Holiday season because it is such an emotional time. You can still enjoy Christmas with your kids, there is still plenty of time to do Christmas activities with them before they go to their Dad's. You don't mention their ages, but google Christmas activities in your area and do things like festivals, ice skating, plays, many churches have a lot going on at Christmas too.
My kids would always have Christmas morning with me and then before noon they would all go to their Dads and I would always feel so let down. So I started a tradition that I still stick to, and it works for me. When they leave, I go to my favorite casino, I get a coffee with Bailey's and play keno or the slots. I do this every Christmas day, every black Friday, and every year when it's time for the Mardi Gras parade. You can come up with your own private time plan that you like and just focus on the season, not so much the fact that you're single. Christmas is for everyone, not just for those in relationships. Go shopping, listen to music, just enjoy each day because the more you get out and the more you do things you enjoy doing, the odds increase of possibly meeting someone compatible with you. My advice is just to stay busy and enjoy being single and enjoy your kids while you have them. Everything will work out in time.
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