How to rekindle feelings for my partner after huge conflict? (wife, marriage)
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My partner has had a problematic relationship with my family due to major personality differences and members of my family feel quite upset about the way she has treated them in the last 10 years.
2 years ago she had a grievance against my sister and brother law about a property transaction 10 years ago. She feels they ripped us off, I don't agree at all and neither does anyone else. But she kept bringing it up with them and trying to have a conversation that would give her closure on it. It never happened because it felt like she was blaming them for what happened even though she couldn't explain exactly why. Their relationship has totally broken down and she doesn't see them any more.
It cause an inordinate amount of conflict between her and me and our relationship has completely broken down now as well, no intimacy or affection. Numerous late night screaming arguments which always go nowhere. I have tried to understand her views and gone out of my way to acknowledge her points and even compromised my own perception of what happened, but none of it helped us get over it, and frankly I was just agreeing sometimes to try and find some peace. We are both on forms of anti-depressants just to function as adults and it makes us numb and reduces our libido. (We've had sex once in the last few months.)
We have 2 kids who I prioritize above everything else, if it wasn't for them we would have broken up over this whole affair. I cannot imagine leading my kids into a broken family.
Late last night lying in bed she asked me why I never hug her any more. We proceeded to argue for about 2 hours about the whole conflict.
I feel like I haven't forgiven her for the amount of pointless conflict she brought into my extended family and into our relationship, and I struggle to feel any affection towards her. She hasn't fully taken responsibility for her role in the conflict and still places some blame on my sister/brother in law - she no longer says they did the wrong thing but now they failed to listen and empathize to her satisfaction during the last 2 years which is poor behavior on their part. Her story about exactly what they did wrong has changed many times and it is clear to me she is just angry and jealous and doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with this on her own.
The trouble is that our relationship has never been all that solid - we have different interests, different values about life, long periods without sex (years) and we just don't seem that compatible overall.
I don't know how to go on. I have given up on the relationship and settled for a co-habiting co-parenting arrangement and come to terms with this, but she hasn't, and still wants more. How can I forgive her when I blame her entirely for the whole 2 years of conflict, and yet she still holds onto those grievances? How can we rebuild any affection in our relationship after this?
And neither one of you ever considered getting counseling to get a fresh perspective on this? Lord have mercy..
We've talked about it several times. I think we've chickened out with the excuse that we have said everything to each other already. But 2 years later... here we are. We have had serious talks about breaking up but I just cannot fathom the effect on the kids.
You are both holding on to grievances. Get marriage counseling. You have nothing to lose and it could be of benefit to your children if they could have happier parents.
You need professional help. Make an effort before it escalates to divorce. You can say you gave it your all, no regrets.
As for your family they shouldn't be involved. Your wife is supposed to keep peace with them, not be best friends. If she refuses, that is immaturity and that's hard to get over. How old are you all?
You will have to learn forgiveness about the past conflict. It doesn't mean you agree. It means you decided to drop the resentment and blaming and focus on how to repair communication and understanding, that both parties give an inch. Compromise.
She should agree to stop talking to your family about this conflict, it’s closed probably legally and nothing can be done anyhow. She should agree to be polite to your family. You should discuss in therapy why she wants affection after trying to alienate you from your family. It may or may not be reparable if she is intent on being unbalanced.
Doesn't she know you could divorce and is this what she wants?
Anyway, you contribute to the screaming matches. Try to communicate calmly and have no shouting rules. If she cannot, remove yourself from stress, sleep elsewhere.
Need some boundaries of respect. If she violates bounds, do not accept it and do not break bounds by insults or screaming or blaming. You can calmly tell her how you feel. In therapy if nowhere else.
We've talked about it several times. I think we've chickened out with the excuse that we have said everything to each other already. But 2 years later... here we are. We have had serious talks about breaking up but I just cannot fathom the effect on the kids.
Well, if you want to try to improve thing, I would stop useless arguing. I think trying to convince an emotional woman that she has done something wrong is pointless even if you have the best oratorical skills in the world. So just politely agree to disagree and don't argue. Especially around kids. You keep saying that you are in this relationship for kids but if you are having loud night time arguments then I don't see how that is good for your kids to hear.
I would try to find fun things to do with your kids and wife outside the house. That way, you have something to talk about other then contentious issues.
You could of course try counseling as was suggested here numerous times. I am personally not a big supporter of shrinks nor do I feel that they are always helpful. They are likely going to tell you to communicate better despite the fact that you have probably done too much communicating...
It cause an inordinate amount of conflict between her and me and our relationship has completely broken down now as well, no intimacy or affection. Numerous late night screaming arguments which always go nowhere. We are both on forms of anti-depressants just to function as adults and it makes us numb and reduces our libido. (We've had sex once in the last few months.)
We have 2 kids who I prioritize above everything else, if it wasn't for them we would have broken up over this whole affair. I cannot imagine leading my kids into a broken family.
Late last night lying in bed she asked me why I never hug her any more. We proceeded to argue for about 2 hours about the whole conflict.
I don't know how to go on. I have given up on the relationship and settled for a co-habiting co-parenting arrangement and come to terms with this, but she hasn't, and still wants more. How can I forgive her when I blame her entirely for the whole 2 years of conflict, and yet she still holds onto those grievances? How can we rebuild any affection in our relationship after this?
you are horrible parents. Those poor children hear you argue all the time and scream. And they see how the whole family is not getting along. You don't want a broken family? You are already broken.
How can you say you prioritize your children? Newsflash - you do NOT. You are numbing yourself down with drugs and still treat each other poorly in front of the children. BAD role models. BAD! You are NOT a good parent.
Get counseling or break up and stop putting your children through this abuse. You are ruining your children's innocence, happiness and future.
Numerous late night screaming arguments which always go nowhere. ... We proceeded to argue for about 2 hours about the whole conflict.
You should take some ownership of this. Getting in a loud argument with someone for 2 hours is a choice. You could've decided to not escalate it any further after 15 minutes. If a discussion gets heated, you always have the option of disengaging or de-escalating it.
I don't have all the context, but you likely could be communicating better. i.e. Using kinder language, talking in a calm voice instead of shouting, avoiding always/never statements, phrasing things in a way that doesn't sound accustory, etc.
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We are both on forms of anti-depressants just to function as adults and it makes us numb and reduces our libido. We've had sex once in the last few months.
If it were only a lack of sex, you could blame the anti-depressants. But you also mentioned there's a lack of cuddling, affection and other love languages too. This goes beyond that. It sounds like a lack of chemistry in general.
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How can I forgive her when I blame her entirely for the whole 2 years of conflict?
I'm not necessarily saying she's in the right, but your post is one-sided. You blame her entirely for the relationship failing, yet you haven't mentioned any mistakes you've made. Usually a failed relationship is a point of self-reflection. What did I learn from this? Are there some things I could've done better? I'm not saying two partners are necessarily always equally at fault, but usually, there are mistakes that both people make.
Last edited by lair8; 12-08-2022 at 01:14 PM..
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