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Hi All. To anyone who takes the time to read this and offers feedback, thank you in advance.
A little background: I’m early 40s, divorced, and just came out of a LDR about 9 months ago. I think I’m a decent looking guy. I work out, have a good job, etc. I’ve never been overly assertive when it comes to meeting or pursuing women. To be clear, I’ve never had a problem talking with women; I’ve just never been the overly assertive type when it comes to pursuing. I’ve never even had an OLD profile.
Anyway, there is a female that works at a place that I frequent nearly daily (where I work and live is within minutes of her place of work). I knew of her from a say hello / casual standpoint for a year or more before we started talking a little more friendly. I always thought she was cute, but since I was in a LDR at the time, the thought of pursuing anything further wasn’t something that I had considered.
Earlier this summer, her and I began to chat more, and this is probably because I started initiating more discussion with her. She always seemed engaged in our discussion and, at times, even when I felt as if I was running out of things to say, it always seemed as if she would make a point of keeping the conversation going. On one occasion, I brought her a coffee. On a separate occasion, I came across a small item at a store that she had mentioned looking for during one of our discussions. I gave that to her as well. In both instances, she seemed both appreciative and receptive. One day, she returned the favor by purchasing my lunch as a thank you.
Sometime shortly thereafter, I was talking with one of her employees and that person mentioned that she has a boyfriend that she lives with. To be clear, I never inquired, and it was just by chance that this was mentioned. A part of me was surprised because, despite our numerous conversations, she had never mentioned a boyfriend. Another part of me wasn’t surprised because, well, it just seemed like a too good to be true kind of thing. In addition to my fear of rejection, my reservations about whether she had a boyfriend or not is actually what kept me from asking her out during this month and a half or so period that we started to chat more (although I did come close to asking on a couple of occasions). Anyway, shortly after learning this I was talking with her one day and she mentioned that she was about to take a trip. I decided to push a bit and said, “So, it’s just you going?” to which she finally replied that she was going with her boyfriend. From that point forward, I decided to just back off.
Ironically, over the next month or so, I ran into her on several occasions dining alone outside at a nearby café while on her lunch break. Her being there would usually catch me off guard and, often times, what I expected to be a quick hello would turn into 20 minutes to an hour of discussion on a variety of topics (family, career, exercise, hobbies, etc.).
Again, she always seemed receptive and engaged in the discussion (and still no further mention of the boyfriend). Shortly after these several encounters, she was out sick for a week and I was traveling more for work. Over the next month or so, our discussion was very limited.
On or around Halloween, our communication picked back up some. Around this time, she mentioned to me that she came across something at a shop that she got for me because it reminded her of a discussion that she and I had (and it was another way of saying thanks again for the couple of things that I had bought her a couple months back). A week or two later, she texted me one evening and asked if I would want to meet her outside her work so she could give me this gift (which turned out to be very sweet gift). She and I ended up talking for about an hour that night.
Other details not mentioned above:
She always seems to make a point of smiling and saying hi any time that she sees me. For a while this past summer, it seemed as if her and I would make eye contact frequently even when not speaking direct.
Her job is pretty busy so while at work our discussion is usually pretty limited.
Other than being nice, in general, I have never observed her to be flirty or overly talkative with other men.
At one point, prior to knowing that she had a boyfriend, I told her of this event that my child and I were going to attend at a club that I belong to. In an attempt to test the waters, I said, “maybe I could invite you to be our guest sometime”, to which she replied “Ok”. (the best I could tell, the tone of the “ok” was how someone would say it if they seemed interested in doing something).
Without getting into the details, she got my number from someone at one point and on occasion will send me a text (typically humorous little things or we may just jab back-and-forth at one another). I rarely ever initiate the discussion and just leave that in her court. They aren’t overly frequent, but there have been a few exchanges that spanned the course of a few hours.
There is a 10 year age gap between us (early 40s, early 30s). Our discussion has always remained above board, so to speak. Nothing sexual. One day we were talking and I complimented her appearance in response to a comment she made. She seemed to appreciate the compliment. One point she said I was built like someone that I think most men would find complimentary in nature.
A while back, I posted this thread elsewhere (at a forum consisting mostly of women) and received very split feedback. Some said she doesn’t mention the boyfriend because she wants to keep her personal life private and doesn’t see me as any type of a threat in that regard. Others said, omitting the boyfriend from discussion was intentional and a sign that she might like me (or at minimum, serve as an ego boost to her).
It is what it is and I don’t intend to pursue a woman with a boyfriend, however; if that scenario were to not work out, she is definitely someone that I am attracted to and would like to get to know better.
SO, back to me feeling out of touch due to not having much or recent dating experience, did what I described above come off as an obvious platonic situation that I just read incorrectly? Is it true that many women won’t mention having boyfriends because they like keeping their private lives private and/or unless they see you as someone who might be interested in them? For future reference, if it doesn’t come up naturally, should you just ask a person after the first couple conversations if there is a significant other?
Thanks again for reading. Your feedback would be appreciated!
Forget it. She's living with someone. So why hasn't she told you about the guy? She's not required to.
This woman likely see you as nice gent and that's about it. If you enjoy chatting with her from time to time great. However, if you're looking for something more you're probably wasting your time.
She has a boyfriend - with whom she lives. OP, I wouldn't go talking with someone who has a boyfriend she lives with!
In fact, I'd casually make mention of it in a roundabout way: "Hey, I understand you're already spoken for..." It's one thing if she's dating another guy casually (not serious, no commitment) but she lives with her boyfriend! That's a committed relationship!
lol - Perhaps this response is partially warranted. I concede that. I think it's important to remember that this is a woman with a boyfriend. If she didn't have a boyfriend, this response would be 100% warranted. I absolutely concede that.
I'm going to tweak your last question a bit. As a woman, if I knew you had a boyfriend and I asked you out anyway, what would you think about that? If your response is, "I'd think you're crazy or have some sort of boundary issues", then maybe you would WANT a guy who thinks like me (outside of that hypothetical scenario, of course). lol
ldk op.
You've known all this time she has a bf yet thinking about asking her out anyway and she's letting all this , whatever that is , go on evolving behind his back. For me, all kinds of weird.
Even if she'd just been caught up in something really bad with him and she'd been telling me about it , supposing she went straight on to you from there- not exactly a character or situation l'd be onto in a woman.
And does she even talk about him and how things are with him , have you with her? Haven't read the whole thread of course.
lf l even was still considering it that's all stuff l'd had been sussing out for sure, a long the way first.
But then aside , how are you even suppose to go out with a woman that has a bf at home anyway ?
But seems as your still ldk what with her, l'd be def' sussing the whole bf thing out before anything else first of all.
And if she won't even get onto that and want to clear all that up with you, then your really seeing who she is and double def' wasting your time. Not to mention it also sounds like she hid the bf situation to begin with.
Forget it. She's living with someone. So why hasn't she told you about the guy? She's not required to.
This woman likely see you as nice gent and that's about it. If you enjoy chatting with her from time to time great. However, if you're looking for something more you're probably wasting your time.
Actually, I've been waiting for someone to tell me that "she's not required to tell me that she has a boyfriend". I heard this from numerous women at the other forum where I originally posted this. And generally speaking, I completely agree. She isn't required to tell me anything. It's just not a scenario that I've ever encountered, and since I haven't really been single for years, I asked others to weigh in with their thoughts.
Because of where I live, and because I single parent, and because of my job, and because of my personality, in general, I speak to numerous women daily. 99% of these women are moms with husbands. Personally, I'm accustomed to women referencing their husbands frequently in conversation. That goes for women that I know, women that I barely know, etc. "So and so has the kids". "So and so got tickets for ..." "So and so and I are going here on Saturday night .." Again, from my experience it is just very commonplace for women to do this. For that matter, most men that I know frequently reference their wives.
I'm not saying that there is any requirement on her part to discuss her boyfriend. That's up to her. I was just curious if anyone else had ever experienced similar, or could offer insight as to why this might be.
She has a boyfriend - with whom she lives. OP, I wouldn't go talking with someone who has a boyfriend she lives with!
In fact, I'd casually make mention of it in a roundabout way: "Hey, I understand you're already spoken for..." It's one thing if she's dating another guy casually (not serious, no commitment) but she lives with her boyfriend! That's a committed relationship!
I'd back off, like yesterday!
Generally speaking, I don't disagree with your above. As far as me needing to back-off, I wouldn't say that I'm in any type of pursuit mode. Other than seeing her while she's at work (and a rare scenario that occurred a couple nights ago, which I'll touch on in a separate post), I only see her when I frequent her place of work .. which happens to be near my work and home.
Someone asked me in a separate post, "if you were to discover that she only sees you as a friend, would you be able to accept that"? The answer is "yes". I fully admit that I am attracted to her, but I also really like her as a person. I think she is nice, thoughtful, interesting, and funny. While I can completely understand and appreciate that some may need to, personally, I would feel weird not talking to her anymore just because she didn't reciprocate the same type of feelings. Now, if she chose to not talk to me anymore as a result, I would respect that. With that said, I'm reasonably confident that she already knows that I like her.
And yes, just to be clear, the fact that she has a live-in boyfriend is very noteworthy in all of this. That's not lost on me..
Actually, I've been waiting for someone to tell me that "she's not required to tell me that she has a boyfriend". I heard this from numerous women at the other forum where I originally posted this. And generally speaking, I completely agree. She isn't required to tell me anything. It's just not a scenario that I've ever encountered, and since I haven't really been single for years, I asked others to weigh in with their thoughts.
Because of where I live, and because I single parent, and because of my job, and because of my personality, in general, I speak to numerous women daily. 99% of these women are moms with husbands. Personally, I'm accustomed to women referencing their husbands frequently in conversation. That goes for women that I know, women that I barely know, etc. "So and so has the kids". "So and so got tickets for ..." "So and so and I are going here on Saturday night .." Again, from my experience it is just very commonplace for women to do this. For that matter, most men that I know frequently reference their wives.
I'm not saying that there is any requirement on her part to discuss her boyfriend. That's up to her. I was just curious if anyone else had ever experienced similar, or could offer insight as to why this might be.
She's probably not stupid and realizes you have at least a soft spot for her .
Yaknow , required, wth ! Most women in that position will be sure to let you know as these other women do with just talking and chit chat. Women have no problem whatsoever about coming forward usually seems like she's hiding it not a nice trait but,,,, l'd bring it up myself. lt's not heavy stuff as you see with other women that don't even know you.
As for why , l suspect she's thinking about you too , but l shouldn't tell you that haha and l see above she did mention him and the concert sooo.
Honestly, I did not read the entire thread, so maybe this was already covered.
But, her having a boyfriend came from a third party, and it may or may not be true. I would just ask her if she has a boyfriend, and if not, does she want to go out.
All of this conjecture on her character seems to be based on information that did not come directly from her.
Generally speaking, I don't disagree with your above. As far as me needing to back-off, I wouldn't say that I'm in any type of pursuit mode. Other than seeing her while she's at work (and a rare scenario that occurred a couple nights ago, which I'll touch on in a separate post), I only see her when I frequent her place of work .. which happens to be near my work and home.
Someone asked me in a separate post, "if you were to discover that she only sees you as a friend, would you be able to accept that"? The answer is "yes". I fully admit that I am attracted to her, but I also really like her as a person. I think she is nice, thoughtful, interesting, and funny. While I can completely understand and appreciate that some may need to, personally, I would feel weird not talking to her anymore just because she didn't reciprocate the same type of feelings. Now, if she chose to not talk to me anymore as a result, I would respect that. With that said, I'm reasonably confident that she already knows that I like her.
And yes, just to be clear, the fact that she has a live-in boyfriend is very noteworthy in all of this. That's not lost on me..
Of course you are. That's why you're asking all these questions.
Someone asked me in a separate post, "if you were to discover that she only sees you as a friend, would you be able to accept that"? The answer is "yes". I fully admit that I am attracted to her, but I also really like her as a person. I think she is nice, thoughtful, interesting, and funny.
Again you're fooling yourself. You like this woman and that's fine. Unfortunately, she's got a boyfriend. Best you can do is be polite when you cross paths and leave it at that.
Now, if she suddenly mentions she broke up with her boyfriend this of course changes things.
In the meantime start looking for other woman to date.
This might be the most pointless and painful-to-read thread I have read, yet. (Yet, I read through it anyways! )
If this woman is in a relationship, and is being friendly, to this extreme, with another man, why would you even want to date her? Why are we even talking about this?
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