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Hi All. To anyone who takes the time to read this and offers feedback, thank you in advance.
A little background: I’m early 40s, divorced, and just came out of a LDR about 9 months ago. I think I’m a decent looking guy. I work out, have a good job, etc. I’ve never been overly assertive when it comes to meeting or pursuing women. To be clear, I’ve never had a problem talking with women; I’ve just never been the overly assertive type when it comes to pursuing. I’ve never even had an OLD profile.
Anyway, there is a female that works at a place that I frequent nearly daily (where I work and live is within minutes of her place of work). I knew of her from a say hello / casual standpoint for a year or more before we started talking a little more friendly. I always thought she was cute, but since I was in a LDR at the time, the thought of pursuing anything further wasn’t something that I had considered.
Earlier this summer, her and I began to chat more, and this is probably because I started initiating more discussion with her. She always seemed engaged in our discussion and, at times, even when I felt as if I was running out of things to say, it always seemed as if she would make a point of keeping the conversation going. On one occasion, I brought her a coffee. On a separate occasion, I came across a small item at a store that she had mentioned looking for during one of our discussions. I gave that to her as well. In both instances, she seemed both appreciative and receptive. One day, she returned the favor by purchasing my lunch as a thank you.
Sometime shortly thereafter, I was talking with one of her employees and that person mentioned that she has a boyfriend that she lives with. To be clear, I never inquired, and it was just by chance that this was mentioned. A part of me was surprised because, despite our numerous conversations, she had never mentioned a boyfriend. Another part of me wasn’t surprised because, well, it just seemed like a too good to be true kind of thing. In addition to my fear of rejection, my reservations about whether she had a boyfriend or not is actually what kept me from asking her out during this month and a half or so period that we started to chat more (although I did come close to asking on a couple of occasions). Anyway, shortly after learning this I was talking with her one day and she mentioned that she was about to take a trip. I decided to push a bit and said, “So, it’s just you going?” to which she finally replied that she was going with her boyfriend. From that point forward, I decided to just back off.
Ironically, over the next month or so, I ran into her on several occasions dining alone outside at a nearby café while on her lunch break. Her being there would usually catch me off guard and, often times, what I expected to be a quick hello would turn into 20 minutes to an hour of discussion on a variety of topics (family, career, exercise, hobbies, etc.).
Again, she always seemed receptive and engaged in the discussion (and still no further mention of the boyfriend). Shortly after these several encounters, she was out sick for a week and I was traveling more for work. Over the next month or so, our discussion was very limited.
On or around Halloween, our communication picked back up some. Around this time, she mentioned to me that she came across something at a shop that she got for me because it reminded her of a discussion that she and I had (and it was another way of saying thanks again for the couple of things that I had bought her a couple months back). A week or two later, she texted me one evening and asked if I would want to meet her outside her work so she could give me this gift (which turned out to be very sweet gift). She and I ended up talking for about an hour that night.
Other details not mentioned above:
She always seems to make a point of smiling and saying hi any time that she sees me. For a while this past summer, it seemed as if her and I would make eye contact frequently even when not speaking direct.
Her job is pretty busy so while at work our discussion is usually pretty limited.
Other than being nice, in general, I have never observed her to be flirty or overly talkative with other men.
At one point, prior to knowing that she had a boyfriend, I told her of this event that my child and I were going to attend at a club that I belong to. In an attempt to test the waters, I said, “maybe I could invite you to be our guest sometime”, to which she replied “Ok”. (the best I could tell, the tone of the “ok” was how someone would say it if they seemed interested in doing something).
Without getting into the details, she got my number from someone at one point and on occasion will send me a text (typically humorous little things or we may just jab back-and-forth at one another). I rarely ever initiate the discussion and just leave that in her court. They aren’t overly frequent, but there have been a few exchanges that spanned the course of a few hours.
There is a 10 year age gap between us (early 40s, early 30s). Our discussion has always remained above board, so to speak. Nothing sexual. One day we were talking and I complimented her appearance in response to a comment she made. She seemed to appreciate the compliment. One point she said I was built like someone that I think most men would find complimentary in nature.
A while back, I posted this thread elsewhere (at a forum consisting mostly of women) and received very split feedback. Some said she doesn’t mention the boyfriend because she wants to keep her personal life private and doesn’t see me as any type of a threat in that regard. Others said, omitting the boyfriend from discussion was intentional and a sign that she might like me (or at minimum, serve as an ego boost to her).
It is what it is and I don’t intend to pursue a woman with a boyfriend, however; if that scenario were to not work out, she is definitely someone that I am attracted to and would like to get to know better.
SO, back to me feeling out of touch due to not having much or recent dating experience, did what I described above come off as an obvious platonic situation that I just read incorrectly? Is it true that many women won’t mention having boyfriends because they like keeping their private lives private and/or unless they see you as someone who might be interested in them? For future reference, if it doesn’t come up naturally, should you just ask a person after the first couple conversations if there is a significant other?
Thanks again for reading. Your feedback would be appreciated!
Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-22-2023 at 11:48 PM..
Reason: Merged 2 threads on same topic.
If it were me and I was talking to the same guy and buying gifts and texting and so on (regardless of the reason) i would not have a boyfriend.
Now, if you were her boyfriend, would you want her acting this way with another guy while you have no clue about it? She's flirting with you and she didn't mention boyfriend because maybe she is interested in you. But guess what?
SHE'S TAKEN. Done. End of story. It doesn't matter one way or the other who likes who or who might like who or who is flirting with who or whatever, it does not matter. The girl is taken. Leave her alone and move on.
If it were me and I was talking to the same guy and buying gifts and texting and so on (regardless of the reason) i would not have a boyfriend.
Now, if you were her boyfriend, would you want her acting this way with another guy while you have no clue about it? She's flirting with you and she didn't mention boyfriend because maybe she is interested in you. But guess what?
SHE'S TAKEN. Done. End of story. It doesn't matter one way or the other who likes who or who might like who or who is flirting with who or whatever, it does not matter. The girl is taken. Leave her alone and move on.
What I bolded is really what you need to know. Would you want your g/f accepting gifts from another man? GIVING gifts to another man? Accepting an invite to an event with another man?
Hmmmm.... Could she have invented the boyfriend to keep men from bothering her at work?
Otherwise she's not very considerate of the boyfriend. When she gave you the gift it's too bad you didn't ask if her boyfriend knew she was giving you a present. Her behavior is sketchy if she has a bf. Maybe she's not happy with him, but she needs to deal with that and should break up/not be living with him before she starts trolling for other men.
What I am saying is her character seems lacking. Would you want to get involved with her and have her giving other men gifts, etc?
Why not say to her: Do you still have a boyfriend, because you don't exactly act like you do?
Hmmmm.... Could she have invented the boyfriend to keep men from bothering her at work?
Otherwise she's not very considerate of the boyfriend. When she gave you the gift it's too bad you didn't ask if her boyfriend knew she was giving you a present. Her behavior is sketchy if she has a bf. Maybe she's not happy with him, but she needs to deal with that and should break up/not be living with him before she starts trolling for other men.
What I am saying is her character seems lacking. Would you want to get involved with her and have her giving other men gifts, etc?
Why not say to her: Do you still have a boyfriend, because you don't exactly act like you do?
Fair questions, but I don't think the boyfriend is made up.
What I've outlined is probably the most questionable stuff that has occurred over a 6 month span. There have been plenty of other conversations in between that hasn't involved gifts, giving an "ok" response to my asking her to potentially attend something with me, etc. The majority of our somewhat limited discussions has been friendly conversation regarding various (non-sexual) topics. Texts that offer suggestions such as "have you ever taken (child's name) here", or "you should try this" (follow up to something that we had discussed). A lot of just humorous, taking jabs at each other kind of stuff (most of which is via text).
One of my main points for posting this was just to make sure that I wasn't totally off-base thinking that she might have been interested. When I posted this elsewhere, about 50% of those who responded (mostly females) said that she was well within her right to give a gift, text, etc. and that it was ridiculous {paraphrasing} that I would conclude that there might be more than just friendly interest because of this. I was told that it wasn't uncommon for women to not mention their boyfriend unless they feel as if a boundary needs to be established, and it was clear that she saw no reason to establish this boundary since I never blatantly hit on her and because she didn't see me as anything more than a friend.
I understand why some of the questions are being asked, but generally speaking, I do think she is a really nice person. Not sure what to think about her current relationship.
I think you need to stop playing silly mind games with this "female."
You have been talking for hours at a time for more than a year. For normal people, that is an established friendship that should be open to sharing information about your personal lives. Instead, you are circling endlessly in a weird and awkward holding pattern. If this was a guy you were getting friendly with for over a year, wouldn't you be having conversations about his social and love life by now?
Why can't you just come right out and tell her you would like to take her out on a date, but need to understand her romantic situation more clearly. Why is that so hard to do?
The thing is... without knowing her we have only what you tell us to judge by. If we knew her, if we saw the interactions between the two of you, we might consider her behavior as just ordinary for her, and no interest in you outside of thinking you are a nice person.
I always talked about my late husband. Not just to draw that line in the sand, but because he was interesting. And my male friends were invited to dinners and got to know my husband. That doesn't mean she needs to do the same but you seem more acquaintances than friends. Except for the present, but it depends on what it was.
The thing is... without knowing her we have only what you tell us to judge by. If we knew her, if we saw the interactions between the two of you, we might consider her behavior as just ordinary for her, and no interest in you outside of thinking you are a nice person.
I always talked about my late husband. Not just to draw that line in the sand, but because he was interesting. And my male friends were invited to dinners and got to know my husband. That doesn't mean she needs to do the same but you seem more acquaintances than friends. Except for the present, but it depends on what it was.
I agree. You can only go off of my side of things. That's why I wanted to emphasize in my last post that there were many conversations in between that didn't involve gifts or giving questionable answers to me inviting her somewhere, etc. I don't want anyone to think this is a situation where she is blatantly coming on to me. That's not the case.
In my opinion, if you remove the part about her not mentioning a boyfriend and the gift (which wasn't romantic, just thoughtful) there wouldn't be much here to discuss. Even with those factors present, I'm still not certain there is much here to discuss.
I think you need to stop playing silly mind games with this "female."
You have been talking for hours at a time for more than a year. For normal people, that is an established friendship that should be open to sharing information about your personal lives. Instead, you are circling endlessly in a weird and awkward holding pattern. If this was a guy you were getting friendly with for over a year, wouldn't you be having conversations about his social and love life by now?
Why can't you just come right out and tell her you would like to take her out on a date, but need to understand her romantic situation more clearly. Why is that so hard to do?
My goal isn't to play silly mind games, but I do agree with you that a couple of direct questions on my part about her relationship would have taken much of the question out of this. How welcomed those questions would have been, I don't know.
As I mentioned in my OP, I've never been overly assertive when it comes to pursuing women. And clearly, that has not benefited me in this case.
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