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Old 05-28-2008, 01:53 PM
 
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Lately my husband and I have been feeling very isolated. We're a married couple in our early 30's (no kids). One of our beloved cats recently passed away last week and we are feeling extremely emotional about it. Our cat's passing has really made us realize how isolated we feel--our complete lack of sense of community. Part of it is not having the cat's presence in the house--it makes the house feel empty--but another part of it is that we have no one to lean on during a time of need here--not a single friend in the area to even invite over or call on the phone to ease our lonliness.

I have felt this way for a long time--but our cat's death has really made my husband feel this way for the first time (before, he didn't really care that we hadn't made any friends here because he works very long hours and doesn't have time for them anyway).

This isolation/lack of community certainly isn't by choice, and we'd like to take some positive steps toward finding that sense of community, but we don't know how. We have been here (Washington, DC) for two years now--moved here from out of state. When we moved here we had never been here before and didn't know anyone.

Making friends from scratch has been way harder than either of us expected. Making friends through our jobs never worked out (beyond work acquaintances to make small talk with at work).

We got involved in a number of religious groups here that we thought would be a good way to make friends but that were not conducive at all to making friends--they were mainly geared toward singles. We joined a couple other different types of social groups, but were disappointed with those too. In all of these groups, we reached out to people (inviting them out for dinner, etc. and no one reciprocated that interest to us.)

I also joined a few women's groups but found that I usually felt out of place b/c the other women were almost always single and only wanted to hang out at bars and clubs and talk about dating--not my scene. Not that I have any problem with making single friends but when everyone at these groups is single and has different interests/priorities it sometimes makes it harder to make friendships. It seemed more that the single gals had problems with me. In these groups I always felt like the odd woman out--for a variety of reasons.

I also have taken a number of adult ed classes here--and everyone in the class has been over the age of 60. It seems to me that women my age don't take adult ed classes.

Anyhow, for the past six months or so we've basically stopped making any social effort at all, and, as you'd expect, we haven't made any friends or had any social engagements whatsoever. I have made one female acquaintace in the 2 years we've been here (who I met through Craig's List)--but she lives far away and is always busy so I only see her once every few months--i.e. not an ideal situation.

Re: our neighbors--we rarely see them, they haven't been friendly and they're all much older than us.

We don't have any family nearby--our parents are a plane ride away. I don't have any siblings so I have a small family. His family is completely dysfunctional so I have no relationship with his family. We knew it would be hard to make friends from scratch but didn't realize it would be this hard--i.e. two years and no real friends. Usually we're okay with our friendlessness but this recent loss we've experienced somehow magnified the extent of our isolation and lonliness.

Summer's here now and people at work talking about all the weddings they're invited to and all the BBQ's/summer social events they're going to, and it makes us feel lonely.

Now we're considering moving to another state (because the housing costs are too high here and we'd like to buy a place) and we'll be starting over from scratch again (which is fine since we won't have any friends or family to leave here). But I just wonder what we're doing wrong/what we can do to find some sense of community, either here or in our next state if/when we move. I know it takes awhile to make friends after you move but it's been two years already and we feel no more socially connected than when we first moved here. What other approaches should we try? What could we be doing wrong? Why is absolutely no one interested in getting to know us? I've asked so many gals out for lunch and coffee and feel bummed that nothing worked out. I am very social and outgoing and love to chat--but it seems that everyone else already has their friends or is too crazy busy to make time for us.

Last edited by doglover29; 05-28-2008 at 02:29 PM..
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Old 05-28-2008, 02:56 PM
 
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After reading many of your posts about being lonely and not making friends in D.C., I think that D.C. just isn't the right place for you. If you've had friends and social lives in other places you've lived, then maybe you should think about moving somewhere else. If it's been this way for you everywhere you've lived I'm not sure what to tell you.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:01 PM
 
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I don't think DC is the problem, though with the other places I've lived (except for the last one) I was there for college or grad school, where you have a community of built-in friends that you see every day (and I had no problems making friends in college or grad school).

I don't think DC is an unfriendly place--besides the social aspect, we love it here--I'm just looking for additional strategies to meet people, and/or try to feel less isolated, beyond the things we've already tried (which haven't worked, unfortunately).
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
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I recently lost a beloved pet. I am single and my beloved Rufus was like my partner, he slept with me, he followed me from room to room, usually he wasn't too far away. Trying to deal with this on my own has highlighted how lonely I am sometimes.

I feel fortunate that I have a couple friends that I could talk with but they aren't local. Its a difficult thing to go through.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:05 PM
 
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I think the reason you make friends with people in college and grad school is because you go through something difficult together. Is there a way to replicate that type of experience where you are? Are there any ongoing volunteer projects you can work on that necessarily involve problem-solving or team building? By that I'm thinking more along the lines of joining a new program that really needs your input rather than working at a food bank or animal shelter where you go in, work a few hours and leave.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:13 PM
 
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One idea I had was to contact a few of my cousins who I rarely see (once a year at the most, usually less frequently) and try to get to know them better. I sent off a couple emails, and, as I expected, was largely ignored--except one of them wrote me a one-liner back. This is the kind of treatment we always seem to experience, and it's so disappointing.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:20 PM
 
672 posts, read 5,811,595 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy View Post
there are a lot of transplants just like you looking for friends
Well, we thought DC would be great in this area, but everyone already seems to have their friends.

I don't think Houston would work for us. I don't like the heat. I'm a cold-weather gal. I can't stand the summers in DC--they're way too hot for me. I'd rather move north. But thanks for the suggestion.

I really don't think it's the location that is the cause of these problems. We had the exact same experience in the last city we lived in--though my husband had already been living there before we met and it was I who moved to join him (and I knew no one except him there). So it was also extremely hard to make friends. But this time neither of us knew anyone when moving here, so it's even harder.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:23 PM
 
672 posts, read 5,811,595 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I think the reason you make friends with people in college and grad school is because you go through something difficult together. Is there a way to replicate that type of experience where you are? Are there any ongoing volunteer projects you can work on that necessarily involve problem-solving or team building? By that I'm thinking more along the lines of joining a new program that really needs your input rather than working at a food bank or animal shelter where you go in, work a few hours and leave.
This is an interesting idea--I will think more about this. The volunteering I've done in the past has always been the work a few hours and leave type, and I never made any friends out of it. I'll think more about what types of opportunities might lend itself to this. However, neither of us has had any luck making friends at work, which would also fit this criteria.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Washington
479 posts, read 2,215,662 times
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Sorry for your loss. I am also sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.

It is hard to make friends in a place where everyone is busy; working a lot of hours, commuting, etc. You might enjoy relocating somewhere where with a slower pace?? Where you and the people you are surrounded by have more time. Maybe you are ready to move on to somewhere new?

It is important to have time to do things you enjoy. Being active through volunteering, taking a class, going to the gym, joining a band, church actctivites, etc. is a great way to meet people. Surrounding yourself with people who share similar interests is a plus.

Good luck!
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:41 PM
 
16,579 posts, read 20,606,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
This is an interesting idea--I will think more about this. The volunteering I've done in the past has always been the work a few hours and leave type, and I never made any friends out of it. I'll think more about what types of opportunities might lend itself to this. However, neither of us has had any luck making friends at work, which would also fit this criteria.
I'm not sure that work is the same because people have different agendas in the workplace. Some are just making a buck, some are trying to get ahead, etc. If you're voluntarily working on a common project you're already working with people who share some of your interests. Depending on what type of project it is, you can have meetings at your house, or have lunch-time meetings, or work side-by-side on a project. From what you've written it sounds like just doing that would give you some of the contact you're missing. Even if you don't end up with a best friend out of it, you're still increasing your social circle and getting out of the house.
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