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So me and my girlfriend of almost 5 years are splitting up. I can't say I thought the relationship was great, I knew it was slipping, but honestly this pulled the rug out from under me.
Compounding the pain is that she has already moved on with someone else before she's even completely moved out of my house, which in my opinion is what precipitated the break up. She just came home one night and said "I have feelings for someone else, this is over"......
It's been a week and a half now and things aren't getting better. She's trying to be there for me emotionally but it isn't helping. I feel dead inside. Hopeless. Purposeless. Unmotivated. I burst out crying randomly. I've never experienced pain so intense in my life. I just want this to end. I feel anger, confusion, resentment, sadness, and depression I know I'm not special and far from the first to go through this, but that is little comfort, if any. This is my first serious breakup.
What has helped you in the past? Please share your advice, and your own experiences and stories. I feel like it might help.
Feel like my world is crumbling.
Sorry to hear about your pain. The best thing to do is go out and find somebody better. Force yourself to go out and meet new people. Possibly even join a swingers club and have as much you know what as possible. That's really the best way to get over somebody. You will always feel pain but, it will be in the background instead of front and center like it is now.
I know it's awful. Best thing is to sever completely. I know it is not going make you feel better right now to hear that this will pass soon enough. It's hard to believe that now. Rest. Pamper yourself. Cry it out. Bring out your creative side. Play some sports. Walk. Workout. Eat. Get out into nature on a trail or a park by water. People watch. Listen to the birds. Go for a meal with a friend.
I dont think is the break up that's hurting you . I believe is for the fact that she already seeing someone behind your back before the break up then again we dont really know the whole story here.
But there are no excuse for her behavior. That's just plain disrespectful. I am sure if you cheated on her and tell her that's is over because you find someone new she will be furious!
I think that's a big part of it. We've had breakups before that didn't take, but there was never someone else involved a this time it feels real, whereas other times didn't feel as much so. Previous times we'd split I think we knew we'd end up back together. This time, it's pretty definite. I think that's why it hurts 100x more.
If the relationship, "wasn't great" as you said, thank God one of you went ahead & pulled the plug on the relationship before wasting 1 more day of your 5 yrs together. If it wasn't great, why didn't YOU break up a while ago? & saying because we lived together & it would have been a hassle to disrupt a routine, etc. is NO excuse.
Now, I know she blindsided you, but that's how she chose to break up. Also, this shows she's been cheating on you because no one just falls in love w/ another person just like that when they were supposed to still be in their other relationship.
& her, "trying to be there for you emotionally" as you said must be her guilt in how abruptly she ended it w/ you, which is kind of odd. If she could break up w/ you that quickly just like that, you'd think she would be COMPLETELY done & move on w/ the other guy then. Too bad you didn't say that to her. You SHOULD have said, "I don't need you so don't try to be there for me now. You broke up just like that so be gone. I never want to hear from, text, talk to, or see you ever again. Get your stuff out COMPLETELY!"
But no, you're all crying, etc. & I'd be saying this exact thing if it was the other way around...if it was the guy who had just walked in & announced to his GF that he wanted to break up. I wish she'd just not try to comfort you. I mean she was a B the way she broke up, so tell her to stay a B all the way w/ what she does afterwards.
My mom always taught me, the MOMENT they don't want you, you shouldn't want them either. None of this crying, begging, pleading, wanting to talk it out, hoping they change their mind BS.
That's hard rn because she's not out of my house yet. Once she's gone I think that might be a good strategy for awhile, but she also has a child that I've basically raised as my own that we both still want me to have a relationship with.
Also, I just don't want to cut ties with her permanently. We've had a lot of problems, but she's basically my best friend and right now I can't imagine not having her in my life in some way.
Trying to stay friends is a desperate attempt to hang on to her. While you're hanging on, she is moving on and you are asking for a horrible ride on an emotional roller coaster. Colt turkey, no contact is the ONLY way you can heal completely and move on.
Some have advised to "find someone else" or "get under someone else" and I believe that is very unhealthy. If your heart is busy with someone else, it's not fair to get into the dating game. You will hurt someone else and prolong your own healing. It's hard to do, but if you allow yourself time to heal having no contact with her, you will come out a much stronger person and your heart will not belong to her anymore. You can't give your heart to another person if it's busy with someone else. Not fair, you should not date during your healing.
Trying to stay friends is a desperate attempt to hang on to her. While you're hanging on, she is moving on and you are asking for a horrible ride on an emotional roller coaster. Colt turkey, no contact is the ONLY way you can heal completely and move on.
Some have advised to "find someone else" or "get under someone else" and I believe that is very unhealthy. If your heart is busy with someone else, it's not fair to get into the dating game. You will hurt someone else and prolong your own healing. It's hard to do, but if you allow yourself time to heal having no contact with her, you will come out a much stronger person and your heart will not belong to her anymore. You can't give your heart to another person if it's busy with someone else. Not fair, you should not date during your healing.
I advised him to find somebody else and/or have as much sex as possible. No reason to put up roadblocks and dwell on somebody who does not want him. There's also no law that says he could not find a better match. There are some who even find better matches while they are with their significant others. There is no universal timeline for moving on.
So me and my girlfriend of almost 5 years are splitting up. I can't say I thought the relationship was great, I knew it was slipping, but honestly this pulled the rug out from under me.
Compounding the pain is that she has already moved on with someone else before she's even completely moved out of my house, which in my opinion is what precipitated the break up. She just came home one night and said "I have feelings for someone else, this is over"......
It's been a week and a half now and things aren't getting better. She's trying to be there for me emotionally but it isn't helping. I feel dead inside. Hopeless. Purposeless. Unmotivated. I burst out crying randomly. I've never experienced pain so intense in my life. I just want this to end. I feel anger, confusion, resentment, sadness, and depression I know I'm not special and far from the first to go through this, but that is little comfort, if any. This is my first serious breakup.
What has helped you in the past? Please share your advice, and your own experiences and stories. I feel like it might help.
Breakup's are hard with someone that you love. Its common for them to hurt for years and even decades or more. Just for reference, my neighbor who must be about 80 was talking about her ex-husband who left her 40 years earlier, she got choked up talking about it.
Time certainly heals wounds, but id say it leave scars more or less.
The only answer is life will go on, and to work on yourself with new hobbies, interests and adventures. Thinking about it will not solve anything. Ends of relationships unfortunately sometimes need to be treated the same way as deaths.
Last edited by DannyHobkins; 01-25-2023 at 12:59 PM..
I would suggest finding a friend who you can vent to, and maybe start drinking. For a day. If you have any vacation time, take some time, and take a road trip some place you've never been before. Take a friend, if you want.
The trick is to replace the old routine and haunting memories with fun and new memories. You won't forget her, but it WILL give you a new perspective, that there's more to life than the ex girlfriend, and there's still a lot of good stuff out there.
I guess I'm doing alright. My ex officially moved out in mid January and it's been something of an adjustment. I've had some really low points, and probably will continue to, but they are less and less. When you've been with someone for a significant amount of time, and a big portion of your life and mind is wrapped up in the two of you as a couple, it's hard to unwind that and start thinking about just yourself in the singular again. If you're the sentimental type like me, you see your ex everywhere; from certain items in the house, to restaurants you've eaten at. Even driving down streets that have a particular shared memory or experience can be difficult.
This was my first serious relationship so all these thoughts and emotions are brand new to me, and I'm still learning how to process them, and ultimately make peace with and accept it. But I think I'll be ok. The first few weeks were debilitating. The sadness and depression has somewhat given way to a kind of numbness and a tacit acceptance. I at least can think back on things without crying at this point. But I will be glad when a day can go by without me thinking about her, us, and everything that happened. I imagine that's going to take a while longer though.
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