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Old 05-29-2008, 12:49 AM
 
Location: Happy in Utah
1,224 posts, read 3,369,505 times
Reputation: 932

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To the OP I used to date some real creeps myself, untill I learned to love myself more and took some good advice from my younger sisster( sometimes you just need to be a B**ch) I learned to stick up for myself in a nice way, met my husband when I had finally said forget it and I am now happy. You just really need to love your self more, People like that are not worth it.
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:34 AM
 
Location: home
180 posts, read 620,761 times
Reputation: 121
[
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
So your first marriage was some kind of long-distance connection thing, and the second came after a 160 day whirlwind - both of these are very risk y mating strategies that pose high probabilities of failure. How 'bout the old fashioned I-met-a-guy-through-a-friend-and-we-dated-for-a-while thing?

How do you "screw things up" with good men? Have they ditched you or vice-versa? Are you unfaithful? Too pushy, controlling, or jealous? What is going through your mind when your with a cocky guy and how does that compare to what you're thinking with a nice guy?
the men i date usually put on a big act or mysteriously change after about 6 months. my first husband was supposingly shy smart and funny. he was all of those things but he was a cheat and he had a thing for young girls. he couldnt/ wouldnt hold a job so at 17 i was supporting his deadbeat ass by working two jobs and going to school. after 18 months i filed for divorce.
i had a few guys i dated in between my two husbands but there was one in particular that my grandfather tried to hook me up with lol. he was smart, funny, good looking, and really successful. we went out a few times and realized that we had everything in common only thing is we decided to be friends because mutually there wasnt any chemistry. he was my best friend actually and he hooked me up with the douche bag i dated off and on for a couple of years. he was shy and quiet and really nerdy. i thought he was a great guy until he started drinking and then he was a loud mouth. he was irresponsible always borrowing money off of me. he pressured me for marriage the entire time we dated and i wasnt feeling it. we tried living together for about 6 weeks and i threw him out because he would lie about where he had been and he would come in drunk all hours of the night. i never took that as a serious relationship though because it was basically all about sex. that was the only thing we really had in common.
when i met my husband it was an instant physical attraction. just looking at him made my heart race. he was a lot of fun to be around he was cocky in a sarcastic way. he was thoughtful. he like to do all of the things that i did and that was refreshing because most people think i am strange ( history and architecture freak). well at least my hobbies are strange some people dont find abandoned buildings interesting. about 8 weeks into the relationship (btw i knew him for longer than 4 months thats just how long we dated) we were sitting at a stop light in gatlinburg and he looked over at me and something about the way he looked at me just told me he was the one. that weekend he proposed and we got married a couple months later. things were great for a while. i got pregnant with our daughter and he was amazing through the whole pregnancy and birth. shortly after i got pregnant again and thats when things started getting weird between us. we have two kids now and financially things are ok. we manage to pay all our bills on time and still save a little money despite me not working. it is kinda hard staying home though because up till now i have been supporting myself since i was about 16.
i talked to my husbands mom about his temper and attitude and she told me that when he was a teenager he had a dependecy problem ( pot and alcohol) and they sent him to a few different rehabs. one of them diagnosed him as being bipolar but they never put him on meds. his parents divorced when he was 8 because his dad was physically violent and an alcoholic. when he was 17 he was arrested for fleeing and eluding law enforcement. he said he was afraid to pull over because he had drugs on him. he got probation and his family sent him to cincinnati job corps to straighten his life out or at least learn a trade. that made things worse because he was around other troubled kids and ended up using coke. he met a girl up there was equally a druggy if not worse and she got him thrown out of school and he went to live with her. about 2 months after they moved in together she stopped taking the pill and ended up pregnant. she threw him out and didnt tell him she was pregnant. he moved down here with his dad and got clean. he doesnt even smoke now. his family credits me for him staying out of trouble and tell me all of the time that if he hadnt met me he would either be in jail or dead. the thing is i had nothing to do with it. he had stopped using before i met him.
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:43 AM
 
22,011 posts, read 19,112,807 times
Reputation: 18149
yes most definitely counseling would be a very wise and indicated step to take. You sound like you are ready for a change, and recognize patterns that you want to change. Without outside help (counseling, therapy, and please go to Al-Anon also it is particularly focused on changing destructive relationships) you will continue on the path you are on, trading one man for another the same.

Best wishes. It takes courage to make the changes you are seeking, and your willingness to do something different and seek outside help will serve you well on the path to postive change.
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:49 AM
 
22,011 posts, read 19,112,807 times
Reputation: 18149
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
Well, this is your side of the story. I've been around long enough to know there's clearly two sides to every coin and wouldn't it be just neat-o if I were perfect too. Perhaps you driving him to his behaviour.
This attitude of "blame the victim" is dangerous and destructive. It is flip, it is nasty, it is aggressive, and it does a neat job of sidestepping the very issues she brings up of violent out of control behavior. It is in fact a form of abuse in itself, that abusers use, blaming the person they are abusing for their own unacceptable behavior.

Please be aware of how offensive and dangerous the above post and attitude is.
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:07 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,077,240 times
Reputation: 2048
Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey19782000 View Post
Well here lately I have been thinking about my life. I am married and not happily I might add. I will be the first to admit that my husband I rushed into everything. We have been married almost 3 years and only dated 4 months before we married. All of the things that I loved about my husband are now getting on my nerves especially his cocky attitude. We disagree on everything including how to take care of our kids. He is very vocal and often screams at me and the kids and the oldest is 22 months. He throws temper tantrums when he doesnt get his way. He doesnt get along with anyone. Everyday he comes home from work griping about someone he doesnt like. He is very selfish and controling. It is very unnerving because he cant make a decision for himself and when i decide and he doesnt like the verdict its a constant argument. He has mood swings. One minute he is laughing and the next he is screaming at me.
The stinginess i used to think was being responsible. I used to think him being cocky was sexy. Lately I am not even attracted to him anymore and i cant wait for him to leave for work. Trust me I have been through it with this marriage baby mama drama from his x. What I have to wonder is if I have this big X on my forehead marking me as a human doormat because this is my second marriage and the first one was a real douche bag too. I dont want to get into the specifics when it comes to him but I will tell you this, i married him as a teenager 12 years ago he was 6 years older and just last year he was arrested for his obvious fetish for teenage girls.
What makes me a magnet for psychos I dont really know and I dont know if maybe we need some kinda counseling to make this work for the sake of our kids or if i just need to move on while they are still young and wont remember the bad times.
Hmmmm soooo we married a bad boy "All of the things that I loved about my husband are now getting on my nerves" Then you end with "What makes me a magnet for psychos I dont really know"

It's really funny how WE can see the forest for the trees when somebody talks, writes about something like this, but I can't when it's me posting or talking ain't it? I just went through this myself in my first thread. You are just as attracted to what you deem is making you a magnet for them. The difference is...YOU TIRED OF YOUR ATTRACTION AND NOW EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE TO CONFORM TO YOUR NEW PERCIEVED WANTS.

You easily, readily admitted he was like this before. You admit it's what you loved about him. Now its his problem, not yours? Good luck.
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 7,166,877 times
Reputation: 3073
Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey19782000 View Post
the men i date usually put on a big act or mysteriously change after about 6 months.
First: I don't find your interest in history or architecture strange at all. I find both fascinating. Unless you've already been I suspect you'd love a trip to Italy and/or Greece (i.e. the cradles of western architectural history). Thus, here's some advice: if your friends think these things are strange then I would suggest you get some new friends. Don;t ditch your old ones but look for people with similar interests.

Anyway, I sense some real tendency to be impulsive by you. Making a lifetime commitment while at a stoplight or lust-at-first-sight are NOT sounds ways of making major life decisions.

I am most intrigued about the nice guy with whom you say you had no spark because to me this is obvious: you passed up a gem to pick a turkey. Again, judgment. The nice guy is obviously who you should have been with. He's kind, decent, and -- most important -- you are (were?) true friends. These are the most important things in the long run, not heat-of-the-moment passion.

So, speaking frankly, you blew it: this is the guy you should have spent more time with, you should have grown closer to, and worked on developing that spark. I know I may get flamed by some by some for this, but unless he was physically revolting I cannot understand how you could not want to jump his bones if he was interesting, nice, attractive, and you were friends. When I was single, if I dated a woman with whom I had such a relationship I would have been trying to get her in bed.
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:18 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 5,077,240 times
Reputation: 2048
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
I am most intrigued about the nice guy with whom you say you had no spark because to me this is obvious: you passed up a gem to pick a turkey. Again, judgment. The nice guy is obviously who you should have been with. He's kind, decent, and -- most important -- you are (were?) true friends. These are the most important things in the long run, not heat-of-the-moment passion.
Want a inside view to your possible future?....

My mom was a striking beauty! She looked just like Dorithy Lamour, and aged well. She always went for the loner type, the bad boy, the James Dean. After her second marriage failed she came to live with me. She had a mountain of suitors! If you chased her, strike. If you were nice to her, strike. If everybody liked you, strike. I remember this one guy, rich, handsome, funny asking me, what could he do, she just wasn't responding. I said have you tried spitting on her? She brought home her final puppy project. Ugly, slight, miserable, unsociable and let's not forget..NO JOB.

They of course, got married. 14 years until her death. At one point he did get some money, an inheritance from his mom. My mom said "this is great, we can take this money, get a bigger house outside the city.", His reply "what are you talking about, this is my money" this after she supported him for like 11 years.

She knew she was going to die, and paid for her own hospice, and funeral. At the funeral he was trying to cancel flower orders she'd paid for and get a refund..RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. The funeral director said "i've never met a more selfish b---rd in my life.

Forget a marriage councilor, divorce, and go to a lot of counciling yourself before you even think of a new relationship. You are thinking eventually you can wring the strong bad qualities out of some guy, but want the excitement and fun those qualities hold in the beginning before you do.
Know your failings, learn from them, if you feel you want a nice, calm meek husband EVENTUALLY why not seek one who at least, is himself working on those qualities now, not three years in..next time.
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:30 AM
 
Location: in my imagination
13,584 posts, read 21,358,138 times
Reputation: 10082
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
Want a inside view to your possible future?....

My mom was a striking beauty! She looked just like Dorithy Lamour, and aged well. She always went for the loner type, the bad boy, the James Dean. After her second marriage failed she came to live with me. She had a mountain of suitors! If you chased her, strike. If you were nice to her, strike. If everybody liked you, strike. I remember this one guy, rich, handsome, funny asking me, what could he do, she just wasn't responding. I said have you tried spitting on her? She brought home her final puppy project. Ugly, slight, miserable, unsociable and let's not forget..NO JOB.

They of course, got married. 14 years until her death. At one point he did get some money, an inheritance from his mom. My mom said "this is great, we can take this money, get a bigger house outside the city.", His reply "what are you talking about, this is my money" this after she supported him for like 11 years.

She knew she was going to die, and paid for her own hospice, and funeral. At the funeral he was trying to cancel flower orders she'd paid for and get a refund..RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. The funeral director said "i've never met a more selfish b---rd in my life.

Forget a marriage councilor, divorce, and go to a lot of counciling yourself before you even think of a new relationship. You are thinking eventually you can wring the strong bad qualities out of some guy, but want the excitement and fun those qualities hold in the beginning before you do.
Know your failings, learn from them, if you feel you want a nice, calm meek husband EVENTUALLY why not seek one who at least, is himself working on those qualities now, not three years in..next time.
WOW!!!!!.................
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 7,166,877 times
Reputation: 3073
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
Want a inside view to your possible future?....
Yup, I have little sympathy for those -- male or female-- who ignore nice people in order to start up relationships with bad people. To me, these folks get what they deserve: misery and failure.
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:55 AM
 
22,011 posts, read 19,112,807 times
Reputation: 18149
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Yup, I have little sympathy for those -- male or female-- who ignore nice people in order to start up relationships with bad people. To me, these folks get what they deserve: misery and failure.
That's pretty harsh and not at all helpful. It's basically saying 'you deserve what you get' and 'you made your bed now lie in it' It is a simplistic view and also offensive.

People do the best they can with who they are and what they grew up with. That is where we learn how to do relationships, after all. If someone like the opening post person finds they are repeating patterns in relationships that they want to change or do differently for more satisfying results, then I applaud that person for having the insight and willingness and courage to change.

No one sets out to have crappy relationships, so please realize how offensive the judgment and criticism and holier-than-thou attitudes are. The opening post was not about bashing the current husband, it was someone recognizing and taking responsibility for her own part in relationship patterns and, from what I heard, seeking to make changes herself.
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