Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We've been happily married for five years. However, the last couple has observed our lives undergo a drastic shift. A lot of it started with the pandemic. Locked down, isolated. Friend groups that were once strong fizzled out. Other friends moved away, started families, or moved on in another direction.
Her work provides her with a lot of downtime and breaks. She travels back home frequently to visit friends and family. They visit her almost as often. My family, on the hand, rarely travels. I get to see them maybe once or twice a year, and only if I make the arrangements. She has lots of friends through work. As I work remote, I have no one but a few close colleagues. We don't meet up or do happy hours.
The few remaining local friends from long ago are difficult to wrangle up. I almost always have to initiate and coordinate. Spontaneity is no more; everything must be booked out weeks or months in advance. Some of them have reached a point of curmudgeon that I don't quite understand. It's as if they started hating social situations and being out of the house. Crippling OCD took my best, childhood friend away from me about a year ago. He basically lives and works out of his mother's basement full-time.
Five years ago, I had lots of friends and friend groups; more than she did. But most of that is gone now. And because of that, it feels like the imbalance is causing a rift in our relationship. She wants to continue living this relatively independent, carefree lifestyle where she gets to go where she wants, when she wants, regardless if it's feasible for both of us. I support her, however, not at the expense of my own wellbeing. I've mentioned moving close to one of our families, and she seems receptive to moving closer to mine because of geography and politics. But no official plans are in place at this time. I'm also concerned that she won't like living there. I've tried Meetups, because these used to work incredibly well for me. The pandemic seems to have gutted many of these groups. There are very few left, and most have stringent demographic requirements (age requirements, singles only, etc.). I go to bars when I'm on my own, but most people have their faces buried in phones or chatting with their friends. Alone together, imagine that.
I don't know what to do. She does not seem to want to slow down and settle in. At the core of this, I think the solution is around finding me new friendships outside of the marriage. I just don't know how to do that at this point in my life when I'm a thousand miles from family, work remote, and people seem content with the relationships they already have. We had a big argument recently about "prioritizing us" and what that looks like. I'm not sure if it'll take yet. She was mildly receptive, but also adamant that she still hold on to her independent and spontaneous lifestyle.
Last edited by digitalUID; 03-27-2023 at 01:01 PM..
It kind of seems like you're still living in the pandemic and she no longer is. One should always have their own friends and social life whether they're married or not, but I'm curious how much time do you two actually spend together? From your post it sounds like she's out with friends every night of the week while you're sitting home bored out of your mind, which does sound a bit odd for a happily married couple.
It kind of seems like you're still living in the pandemic and she no longer is. One should always have their own friends and social life whether they're married or not, but I'm curious how much time do you two actually spend together? From your post it sounds like she's out with friends every night of the week while you're sitting home bored out of your mind, which does sound a bit odd for a happily married couple.
I'm not trying to live in the pandemic. It's like I mentioned, a lot of the friendships and groups dissipated as a result. Most of her local friends are through work. Since I work remote, I don't have these types of friendships. The few friends that I have remaining from when I first moved here 15 years ago have been incredibly difficult to get together. Some of them don't like going out at all, or very seldom. Her family and friends back home travel frequently to visit her, and she does with them. My family visits me once every five years or so. The only time I visit them is once or twice per year when I make the arrangements.
tl;dr: the people in my life are homebodies and don't like adventure or going out much. Her friends and family do it as much as possible. She has more flexibility with her schedule to go off on adventures.
Also, she is not out every single night, but she does travel and go out far more frequently than I do. And that's not by my choice. I don't have the flexibility that she does, i.e. lots of time off and breaks, apparently tons of airline points. I do have one friend that I do hang out with regularly, but he is more of a drinking buddy and not exactly someone who is super close. Another friend I met in the last couple years is a lot closer from a psychological standpoint, but he has a wife and kid and immune disorder, and rarely goes out.
Last edited by digitalUID; 03-27-2023 at 01:20 PM..
I'm going to give my suggestion that I always give, so I sound like a broken record.
Take a class in something you're interested in. A literature class, a writing class, a pottery class...SOMETHING. You will meet people you have something in common with.
I get that restless feeling and the sense of social and companionate needs not being met, OP.
I think that you are on to something in that it would be best if this issue you have could be tackled from both ends... Trying to get more quality time with your wife, AND trying to work on your own social life some.
The only suggestion I have, is a bit of the same notion for both things. What sort of activities do you like? Are there any that you could start scheduling with your wife and/or seeking to do with other people? And, too...at the end of the day, we also have to weigh how much we need the thing versus what amount of personal energy we want to put into it.
I'm somewhat in the same boat, but with the additional factor that my husband and I uprooted ourselves and came to Phoenix to care for his Dad, who has now passed. We still have a ton of work to do before we can move back "home" to Colorado, but boy am I looking forward to it. We don't spend as much time together as we used to, we are both a bit blah in our overall spirits and energy. Both of us are in this habit of napping every day because we are not in love with our lives down here, and everything feels exhausting. I am much more extroverted than he is, so I think that I am perhaps more concerned and disgruntled about it... We did try to go out and meet people in similar haunts to the sorts of places we had social groups back in CO, but it hasn't gone well and I for one have just about given up on it.
What would have helped me, I think? Two things. Hiking, and pool. But hiking in this exact area is not very appealing to me, I'd need to drive some distance to find the sort of environment I enjoy, and husband doesn't like to hike. So except when my son visited, I have not done that. I did try a trail closer to home, but it was hot, dusty, with no shade...it wasn't fun. I sometimes think about joining an APA pool league...it's something I used to do years ago. I would likely make some new friends if I did. But I'm in this rut of inertia now. I'm getting more and more OK with just hanging out at home, and I honestly don't love that about the me that I am lately. There are things I really should do something to change, and I could...I just haven't. But no one will do it if I don't, and I try not to complain about any of it, because I know that.
I feel like at least some of that sort of thing might apply to your situation, as well. I think that you are going to need to muster the energy to put towards solutions, or no one will. I don't think that your wife can solve this problem for you, but I do hope that she would at least match your efforts if you start making some, in any endeavor that might include her.
So bottom line...think of possible activities. Also, don't get discouraged if you go try to establish outside connections and nothing great comes if it the first few times you go to a repeating event, these things can take a little time. Just note if the kind of people who are there seem like the kind of people you might want to get to know at all. That was the main thing that put me off my social efforts here...I wasn't meeting anyone that I felt enthusiastic about getting to know any better. But unlike you, I know that my stay in this city will be temporary anyhow, and that, too, might be part of why I'm not more motivated.
We've been happily married for five years. However, the last couple has observed our lives undergo a drastic shift. A lot of it started with the pandemic. Locked down, isolated. Friend groups that were once strong fizzled out. Other friends moved away, started families, or moved on in another direction.
Her work provides her with a lot of downtime and breaks. She travels back home frequently to visit friends and family. They visit her almost as often. My family, on the hand, rarely travels. I get to see them maybe once or twice a year, and only if I make the arrangements. She has lots of friends through work. As I work remote, I have no one but a few close colleagues. We don't meet up or do happy hours.
The few remaining local friends from long ago are difficult to wrangle up. I almost always have to initiate and coordinate. Spontaneity is no more; everything must be booked out weeks or months in advance. Some of them have reached a point of curmudgeon that I don't quite understand. It's as if they started hating social situations and being out of the house. Crippling OCD took my best, childhood friend away from me about a year ago. He basically lives and works out of his mother's basement full-time.
Five years ago, I had lots of friends and friend groups; more than she did. But most of that is gone now. And because of that, it feels like the imbalance is causing a rift in our relationship. She wants to continue living this relatively independent, carefree lifestyle where she gets to go where she wants, when she wants, regardless if it's feasible for both of us. I support her, however, not at the expense of my own wellbeing. I've mentioned moving close to one of our families, and she seems receptive to moving closer to mine because of geography and politics. But no official plans are in place at this time. I'm also concerned that she won't like living there. I've tried Meetups, because these used to work incredibly well for me. The pandemic seems to have gutted many of these groups. There are very few left, and most have stringent demographic requirements (age requirements, singles only, etc.). I go to bars when I'm on my own, but most people have their faces buried in phones or chatting with their friends. Alone together, imagine that.
I don't know what to do. She does not seem to want to slow down and settle in. At the core of this, I think the solution is around finding me new friendships outside of the marriage. I just don't know how to do that at this point in my life when I'm a thousand miles from family, work remote, and people seem content with the relationships they already have. We had a big argument recently about "prioritizing us" and what that looks like. I'm not sure if it'll take yet. She was mildly receptive, but also adamant that she still hold on to her independent and spontaneous lifestyle.
Can you do things jointly with her friends?
And with most people, they aren't initiators. If you want to do something, you have to start it.
I certainly can understand what you are talking about. Our friends through our kids all disappeared with the pandemic followed shortly by the kids graduation. Layoffs and retirements have wiped out the group of work friends we socialized with.
My wife was living in the pandemic longer than I was. I reconnected with an old friend and organized the 3 of us to get together a few times. Finally my wife started doing get togethers with the friends she was closer to.
If none of that works, consider doing a hobby and getting in with a hobby group. And a hobby can be anything-cars, learning a foreign language, bridge, etc.. Or if you are a college grad see if there is an alumni group.
The question is... would you have a problem with her lifestyle if yours hadn't slowed down? Or is this a case of, you're the one who changed and now you expect her to do so, too (IOW-- which of you was the one to change the rules of the game here?)? How often did the two of you do things together pre-pandemic? (It doesn't sound like much if it seems her life hasn't changed much? So why is it a problem now?) Your social situation is unfortunate and one many people find themselves in, but it seems like you're expecting her to make it her burden as well by curbing her own social life and/or uprooting herself to move elsewhere-- where you might find the same problem anyway.
Before you try to get her to change consider how you would feel of she wanted to change you. If your social life isn't all you want, it is mostly on you
The question is... would you have a problem with her lifestyle if yours hadn't slowed down? Or is this a case of, you're the one who changed and now you expect her to do so, too (IOW-- which of you was the one to change the rules of the game here?)? How often did the two of you do things together pre-pandemic? (It doesn't sound like much if it seems her life hasn't changed much? So why is it a problem now?) Your social situation is unfortunate and one many people find themselves in, but it seems like you're expecting her to make it her burden as well by curbing her own social life and/or uprooting herself to move elsewhere-- where you might find the same problem anyway.
These are good questions.
I was thinking that in general, two people that are in happy relationships will want to do things together. At least that's how it has been with every co-worker that I came across in my career. Never met anyone where they spent more time doing things with people other than their spouse.
But if having separate social lives was how it was pre-pandemic for digitalUID (and he and his wife were both happy with that arrangement), maybe it's more about the change where she still does same while he cannot.
I don't know what to do. She does not seem to want to slow down and settle in. At the core of this, I think the solution is around finding me new friendships outside of the marriage. I just don't know how to do that at this point in my life when I'm a thousand miles from family, work remote, and people seem content with the relationships they already have. We had a big argument recently about "prioritizing us" and what that looks like. I'm not sure if it'll take yet. She was mildly receptive, but also adamant that she still hold on to her independent and spontaneous lifestyle.
^^^ This is the issue and your solution.
Your wife is socially successful and you are not. It’s your responsibility to find an acceptable outlet or two. You’re an adult. I feel you’re trying to lock her down because you’re feeling isolated. That’s unfair.
Working from home is dull. Join a gym. Play golf or other team sport. Make some effort and stop whining about it.
At the same time, the two of you need to schedule some togetherness time and go on a couple of real dates a month and several weekend mornings in bed where you focus on yourselves. That’s up to the two of you to plan together and stick with.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
