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So, do you believe in setting a boundary, or explaining certain situations very early on in dating?
Like for example:
-- having children (that you already have children, or not wanting children, or marriage)
-- abstinence
-- certain medical conditions
Personally, I prefer to do that. Not to waste my time or the other person's.
In my case I have alopecia. So I'm mostly bald. But it's not evident Given that I'm thinking about just going bald, I'm also thinking just tell the person on the first date. If they can't handle that, then so be it.
I've been watching a LOT of "how we met" videos and some women have said it was a year before their partner saw their real hair. I was just shocked by that. To me that seems like a long time to not be honest about something. But maybe that's just me.
Other, especially couples who met online, said they were honest from day one about who they were, what they wanted.....even being honest about only dating people who were open to marriage.
So, your thoughts on laying it all out on the first, second or third date?
Interesting post. I have to agree to some extent that honesty early in the dating relationship is the best policy. I made the mistake of dating someone for several months without telling him some of my most important basic values and then I suddenly realized at the 2 month point (when he was trying to take it to the next level) that we were incompatible and I ended it.
For example, he told me on the first date that he never wanted to get married again (he's divorced), so I should have realized right then and there that we were incompatible and not gone any further with it. I'm single and would not want to be someone's FWB or "companion" or in a shack up situation. I would want to get married, if it progressed to that. He wasn't open to marriage in no way, shape or form. Also he was stuck on his ex-wife so badly that it was like dating a married man. I should have told him on the first date that his obsession with his ex wife was unacceptable to me and not conducive for a healthy relationship. There were many other points of incompatibility as well. He was obese, ate bad food, owned an annoying dog, and liked to veg in front of the TV. Not me at all.
I hadn't dated in many, many years and I guess I wasn't honest with him about myself because I was just enjoying the dating at first. But enjoying a few dates only takes you so far, then you have to get honest.
Certain medical conditions - I would wait to divulge any medical history. If the relationship doesn't work out for other reasons, why should that person know private details about your medical history? My motto is, that there are probably other things that would kill the relationship before the medical issues. I would focus on the other issues first. Such as religion, politics, lifestyle, marriage, kids, etc. If these kill the relationship, then you don't need to go into medical conditions.
Abstinence - I would wait to mention this one. I would only bring it up very early if he was pushing for physical intimacy too soon. In other words, if physical intimacy is the overriding priority of someone, then they are going to push for it right away. If he doesn't push for it right away and is a gentleman and shows from his actions that he's willing to wait for it, then I will take my time and not bring up my thoughts on it too soon.
So, do you believe in setting a boundary, or explaining certain situations very early on in dating?
Like for example:
-- having children (that you already have children, or not wanting children, or marriage)
-- abstinence
-- certain medical conditions
Personally, I prefer to do that. Not to waste my time or the other person's.
In my case I have alopecia. So I'm mostly bald. But it's not evident Given that I'm thinking about just going bald, I'm also thinking just tell the person on the first date. If they can't handle that, then so be it.
I've been watching a LOT of "how we met" videos and some women have said it was a year before their partner saw their real hair. I was just shocked by that. To me that seems like a long time to not be honest about something. But maybe that's just me.
Other, especially couples who met online, said they were honest from day one about who they were, what they wanted.....even being honest about only dating people who were open to marriage.
So, your thoughts on laying it all out on the first, second or third date?
Dear God, no. The other person is just trying to figure out if he or she likes you enough to introduce you to his or er friends at that point. Talking about all that stuff at that juncture is, well, just too intense for anyone. What's more, it makes you come across as an overthinking, in a cart-before-the-horse kind of way.
Here's the problem. You're dating, not participating in a mating ritual. The most important things to think about at this point are these: 1) Do you enjoy spending time with one another and 2) Are your values in general alignment. That's it.
And in regards to #2, it's not what you say but how you behave. You have a lot of time to discover who a person really is, and often that doesn't take place until, well, a few dates later.
As far as the baldness thing goes, you're putting the superficial things first.
So how's it go then? John/Jane would you like to go to the local Renaissance faire this weekend? Before you answer I must tell you I am never getting married again, I have three teeth implants,
chronic psoriasis on my lower back, allergies to citrus fruit, and my dog sleeps iny bed.
Wisdom from MinivanDriver; post a Thread as suggested by catsmom21, in the Relationships Thread, you might get more data/wisdom.
Realize your concern about your alopecia, though my thought, get to know the gentleman first. Do you jive ? Reading smt1111, I was like her, hadn't dated much as a widow. Remembered being told "You don't want to be a nurse with a purse!"
Brunch, remembered what I was told. We didn't jive, at least he with me. Enjoy my own company, have learned, one day at a time to be content, bless dear friends with whom the Lord has bless me.
So, do you believe in setting a boundary, or explaining certain situations very early on in dating?
Like for example:
-- having children (that you already have children, or not wanting children, or marriage)
-- abstinence
-- certain medical conditions
Personally, I prefer to do that. Not to waste my time or the other person's.
In my case I have alopecia. So I'm mostly bald. But it's not evident Given that I'm thinking about just going bald, I'm also thinking just tell the person on the first date. If they can't handle that, then so be it.
I've been watching a LOT of "how we met" videos and some women have said it was a year before their partner saw their real hair. I was just shocked by that. To me that seems like a long time to not be honest about something. But maybe that's just me.
Other, especially couples who met online, said they were honest from day one about who they were, what they wanted.....even being honest about only dating people who were open to marriage.
So, your thoughts on laying it all out on the first, second or third date?
Hm, I recalled on the first date, maybe prior to that while on the phone (met online), she may have mentioned something about fostering a child, since she was 40.
I thought it was kind of a one of those...lofty...goals. And it was a topic that we moved on from while talking on the phone, so we never really delved into it.
When things got hot and heavy and going well, we brought up the topic of birth control, when then led to having a child...and she brought up fostering again. Then the conversation got serious. She was actually VERY serious about wanting a child in her life...she also mentioned to me, back in her 30s...before she moved to my area...that the REASON she moved to this area...was because she broke off a FIVE year relationship with a man that didn't want kids.
So her whole reason for being here in my area was due to this very reason. Of course I was thinking (he's 40-something, of course he doesn't want kids)
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars
So, do you believe in setting a boundary, or explaining certain situations very early on in dating?
Like for example:
-- having children (that you already have children, or not wanting children, or marriage)
-- abstinence
-- certain medical conditions
Personally, I prefer to do that. Not to waste my time or the other person's.
In my case I have alopecia. So I'm mostly bald. But it's not evident Given that I'm thinking about just going bald, I'm also thinking just tell the person on the first date. If they can't handle that, then so be it.
I've been watching a LOT of "how we met" videos and some women have said it was a year before their partner saw their real hair. I was just shocked by that. To me that seems like a long time to not be honest about something. But maybe that's just me.
Other, especially couples who met online, said they were honest from day one about who they were, what they wanted.....even being honest about only dating people who were open to marriage.
So, your thoughts on laying it all out on the first, second or third date?
I’d never lay out a lot of things about myself on a first date. But I do appreciate when others reveal things without knowing they are doing so about big issues early so I can make an informed decision on continuing to spend more time with them or not.
My last first date couldn’t get away from talking about her niece and nephew and she was hinting strong she wanted a couple of kids of her own without actually saying it. That made it very easy for me to decide then and there there ain’t gonna be a second date since I don’t want kids.
I think it would be helpful if people were up-front about things that could be lifestyle incompatibilities, marriage, kids, tobacco/alcohol/drug use, things of that nature. If any of those are dealbreakers, best to know that right away so neither of you is wasting the other's time, or thinking somehow you'll just get past it or convince the other person to change their mind.
Beyond that, other things more of a personal and private nature don't need to be shared with every date you go on, imo.
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