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I knew a situation where a woman was in a FWB situation with a guy, and then she found an actual boyfriend, and had to severe ties with the guy she was doing it with.
He didn't like this, but I think it was more of the fact that he was going to have to go back to his hand, as opposed to jealousy or hurt feelings.
I would think that someone having sex would experience some kind of bonding/feelings and attachment afterwards. It's a great feeling that lingers, and you'd want to even cuddle for a while after.
Otherwise, it's just masterbation, but with a human being. I mean, if you're going to do the casual sex route, why not just masterbate? I mean, I can't figure out how one could not develop some kind of emotional attachment afterwards.
On this one there might be something gendered to consider, which is that not all sex is even that enjoyable for women. I have had situations where I had sex with a man once, maybe gave him a second or third shot in case the first time was a fluke, but it was not good and I lost interest.
Occasionally it has been almost spectacularly or laughably bad. Leaving me feeling like, "Well...uh...that just happened." Hooked up once with a friend, he'd been drinking and he started singing pirate chanties in the middle of it. It was funny but not something I felt a need to ever repeat. Had, I dunno, a yolo moment of sorts there, it was in the months after my ex and I split and I had made the mistake of taking the guy on a trip because I had a free plane ticket with my airline miles. He behaved badly and kinda ruined the trip and by the end of it all, the friendship was even over. No feelings, no trauma, nothing lastingly terrible came of it, but I vaguely regret having "gone there" with him. It just didn't need to happen. The trip, the sex...all a bad idea start to finish really.
Most of the times though, I did not develop what I'd call "love" feelings, I just felt emotionally positive and glowy and I enjoyed looking at the person. I don't necessarily need to cuddle (cuddling often makes me feel uncomfortably hot, and weirdly restless) but I like to just be there gazing at them for a time. People always look a little different to my eyes after we have sex.
It is nothing like solo time. Nothing. Doesn't even result in the same "finish" for me in a lot of cases. I suspect it is a very different experience overall from what most men get from sex.
And I have also heard some men say that after having sex, particularly casual sex, that they feel the opposite of attached. They feel almost repelled. A strong impulse to leave, no desire to snuggle at all.
I suspect that there is some spectrum of variation among individuals in terms of whether and how sex affects their feelings of emotional attachment.
I would think that someone having sex would experience some kind of bonding/feelings and attachment afterwards. It's a great feeling that lingers, and you'd want to even cuddle for a while after.
Otherwise, it's just masterbation, but with a human being. I mean, if you're going to do the casual sex route, why not just masterbate? I mean, I can't figure out how one could not develop some kind of emotional attachment afterwards.
Ever hear of prostitution? People can have sex and not develop feelings BUT that's not what FWBs are all about. It's an ideal situation for a man and a placeholder for a woman. I realize how important emotional support is for a woman. It seems to be the new currency since women can get sex anywhere at anytime for free.
The problem is that keeping up that emotional energy is hard for a man when he isn't in a committed relationship. That's when things tend to go left in a FWB situation. If I'm giving my attention and emotionals to a woman i have feelings for the FWB woman is going to get left out in the cold. Now she is providing her end of the bargain but I'm not providing mine.
Ever hear of prostitution? People can have sex and not develop feelings BUT that's not what FWBs are all about. It's an ideal situation for a man and a placeholder for a woman. I realize how important emotional support is for a woman. It seems to be the new currency since women can get sex anywhere at anytime for free.
The problem is that keeping up that emotional energy is hard for a man when he isn't in a committed relationship. That's when things tend to go left in a FWB situation. If I'm giving my attention and emotionals to a woman i have feelings for the FWB woman is going to get left out in the cold. Now she is providing her end of the bargain but I'm not providing mine.
SMH
Women can get emotional support pretty easily, too. Haven't you heard about how often women have support networks of friends and family and if we become single or widowed, we are not isolated and alone, as opposed to men who rely on one woman for all of that and if they become single or widowed, it's a much bigger emotional crisis?
I mean, that is a whole thing.
We can get sex anywhere at anytime for free. But not good sex, and not necessarily sex we'll enjoy or want to repeat or with a partner who makes us feel anything we want to feel. And bad or regrettable sex is not better than just being on our own.
What "currency" a man (or a woman) brings to the table is gonna depend on the man or woman, on what the other person is even looking for or wanting, various factors. It's kind of like all human interactions, if you think back about every other person in any context that you ever cared about and ask why you liked or loved them, I would hope and think that the answer isn't going to be exactly the same every time, since they were different people that you might have appreciated for different reasons, right?
Ever hear of prostitution? People can have sex and not develop feelings BUT that's not what FWBs are all about. It's an ideal situation for a man and a placeholder for a woman. I realize how important emotional support is for a woman. It seems to be the new currency since women can get sex anywhere at anytime for free.
The problem is that keeping up that emotional energy is hard for a man when he isn't in a committed relationship. That's when things tend to go left in a FWB situation. If I'm giving my attention and emotionals to a woman i have feelings for the FWB woman is going to get left out in the cold. Now she is providing her end of the bargain but I'm not providing mine.
I was getting intimate with a woman I was getting into, however, she was willing to have sex, but not be my girlfriend. I think the reason was because she was going through some emotional situation that she needed fulfilling...that I was there for her in her time of strife, and I think she was kind of showing me thanks for it.
She didn't strike me as the kind of that would NOT get attached after having sex though.
I opted out, as I wanted more.
In hindsight thought (I had these thoughts and had considered it as an option), I though that if she wanted to go through with it, she would have to not sleep with anyone else other than me....until she actually found a boyfriend, and then announce she would have to cut ties...for health reasons, but that's still asking for exclusivity, and it would still be a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.
I would think that someone having sex would experience some kind of bonding/feelings and attachment afterwards. It's a great feeling that lingers, and you'd want to even cuddle for a while after..
Good point. And for those who can have sex with no bonding/feelings....can that really be good for mental/emotional health? Could it be contributing to the high rates of depression and anxiety among younger people (and people in general) in our society? I'm not claiming it's the only factor, but I do think it is a contributor to poor emotional health.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123
Otherwise, it's just masturbation, but with a human being. I mean, if you're going to do the casual sex route, why not just masturbate? I mean, I can't figure out how one could not develop some kind of emotional attachment afterwards.
I'll never deny that I've engaged in casual sex. But I've learned there really is no such thing as casual sex. It has effects, even if we are not aware of them.
Good point. And for those who can have sex with no bonding/feelings....can that really be good for mental/emotional health? Could it be contributing to the high rates of depression and anxiety among younger people (and people in general) in our society? I'm not claiming it's the only factor, but I do think it is a contributor to poor emotional health.
I'll never deny that I've engaged in casual sex. But I've learned there really is no such thing as casual sex. It has effects, even if we are not aware of them.
You Sir/ma'am are correct. It comes at a price. For men the price is wasted time and for women it's emotional health
Good point. And for those who can have sex with no bonding/feelings....can that really be good for mental/emotional health? Could it be contributing to the high rates of depression and anxiety among younger people (and people in general) in our society? I'm not claiming it's the only factor, but I do think it is a contributor to poor emotional health.
I'll never deny that I've engaged in casual sex. But I've learned there really is no such thing as casual sex. It has effects, even if we are not aware of them.
I'm sorry but I really have to protest the idea that only an emotionally unhealthy person can have sex without bonding or feelings.
Funny how it's only when a woman says that women can have this experience that men come along like, "how is that even emotionally healthy?" I mean, you aren't saying it, but...
Plenty of people have sexual experiences that do not come with bonding and feelings. Tons. Not to mention the absolutely real and true fact that people can be coerced or even forced to have sex, and no it's not rational to think that they will have bonding and feelings in such an instance, and before you say "of course I'm not talking about that!" which I think would be the likely reaction...it is nowhere near as rare an experience as many think, or than it should be.
Besides which, there are kinds and degrees to what feelings one might have.
The thing I have often experienced of having that pleasant happy glow and generally positive disposition towards someone is not along the lines of, "If you don't agree to be with me forever I'm going to fall utterly apart" or "How can I live without you?"
I would say, for those who do not DO casual sex, you are conflating chicken and egg here. You wait until you are pretty close and familiar and have that relationship before you have sex, which is the ideal environment for a burst of loving feelings for someone you already had strong closeness with. So you were well on your way there, before you ever took off your pants and you'd probably already thought about it as a fairly serious relationship. You did not decide to go ahead and have sex with a person even though you knew that you weren't really compatible for a commitment or a long term thing.
So the very structure of the connection is completely different from the get-go. That does not mean people automatically fall in love with any and every person they have sex with, or else they are not healthy in some way.
Now...casual sex may well be a very unhealthy practice for some individuals to engage in. And, I would also argue, it might be healthy for a given person in a particular temporary time or phase of their lives, but then stop being the right or healthy choice once that season has passed (which is how it's been for me.)
But my word, why people have to think that their experiences are the only possible right ones for any person...that just is not how humanity works. We are a bit more varied and complex than that, thank goodness!
Every girl that I have ever attempted this with eventually wanted "more". I hate it because it is a fantasy at best.....
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