Extremely torn and in love with two people! Plz help! (marry, guy)

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by usayit

However, experience has shown me that love is not enough to have a successful long-term relationship.

Yes, but…who you allow yourself to fall in love with says a lot. If you’re healthy, you won’t put yourself in the place of falling in love with walking red flags, like the O.P. You will run away. Fast. IMO, common sense is a big part of it.

[skeddy]

lol.... they professed to be falling in love with you after a few dates? Both of them? Sounds like middle school.

I have a good friend who was engaged to two women at the same time years ago, in fact wedding invitations were sent out for both and the weddings were scheduled two weeks apart. Relatives were calling his mom very confused.

[earslikeacat]

Neither sound like "catches".
I was in the same situation as you years ago. I never chose.
In retrospect neither one of them would have worked out long term.
Beware of the ones who profess marriage is necessary right away: they are the ones who love bomb ya then they swing the other way (vehement dislike of you).
The other one is self medicating with pot and who knows what's underlying.
Keep looking around.

[AfriqueNY]

I suspect both are just in it for the fun.

[usayit]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

Yes, but…who you allow yourself to fall in love with says a lot. If you’re healthy, you won’t put yourself in the place of falling in love with walking red flags, like the O.P. You will run away. Fast. IMO, common sense is a big part of it.

You often don't get to choose who you fall in love with.

But

You certainly do get to choose what you do with it.



OP, If the "cons" (red flags") are bothering you now, it will only get worse. Do not expect anyone to change for you or anyone else. You either can accept and live with it or you walk away. You have to be honest with yourself.

I couldn't accept or live with a female version of Ken nor Eric.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by BlueDream33

I have NEVER been in this situation before and it is so horrible! I always judged people who claimed to be in love with two people at once because I would scoff and say, that's not possible you're just being greedy. This is the HARDEST decision I have ever made in love.

I am 32 years old, I started going on dates with one guy and then met the other guy one week later. It started out as just getting to know them, casual dating, nothing was official yet with either of them. That went on for a few weeks and BOTH of them confessed that they were falling in love with me and wanted to be officially exclusive with me.

At that point I didn't know who I liked more because I liked both of them in different ways. I said yes but for about a week but I kept seeing them both (I know, I'm a horrible person for doing that). I genuinely couldn't choose and still cant. I made the decision tonight and I am really upset about it. I don't know if I made the right choice. I am going to do my best to explain as a list why each of them is really good for me and I need other people's opinions on who you think I should choose.

I have deep feelings for both of them and both are handsome, so let's get that out of the way - this is going to be a break down of practical matters instead. I know I'm going to get chewed up and spit out on this thread.

I ended up choosing Ken. Eric is heartbroken which hurts me a lot. I am more attracted to Eric and the sex is incredible with him. 10/10 Chemistry & attraction with Eric, 7/10 Chemistry & attraction with

Ken (First guy) -
Pros:
Very loyal, yes I went through his phone numerous times (I KNOW, I know, please save the judgment)
Has a stable job, house and car.
Says he loves me and wants to marry me already.
Takes me to so many events and outdoor places which has broadened my life in many ways - sports events, ranges, vacations, etc.
Protective of me, has told me many times he is proficient in hand to hand combat and is a very skilled fighter. Very athletic and dominant, a manly-man sort of guy.
Strong willed and intelligent. Strong minded. Was denied entry somewhere and got us in because he refused to take no for an answer - takes charge and leads in a way that makes me feel safe wherever I go with him.
Safe driver - I always feel safe in the car with him.
Makes way, way more money than 2nd guy which IS important in relationships for stability.
Super clean, not messy at all. Almost to a fault - see cons list.
Goes out of his way to do things for me that are very important and special to me.
Our sleep schedules are exactly the same.
More flexibility with his day to day life due to his job.

Cons:
Jealous (has made comments that are alarming in terms of how jealous he can be)
Controlling - he is very particular and has to have everything in a certain spot. I moved something and he actually got angry at me. Made me feel uncomfortable. Makes me wonder what living with him would be like.
We have already had a fight.
VERY much a picky eater. Has a list of foods he refuses to eat. I'm a cook so this makes me nervous to even cook for him.
Has a temper - see controlling and jealous.
Super religious to the point of being closed minded.
Sex is lacking something...not the greatest. I'll just put it that way.
Complains a lot.

Eric (Second guy) -
Pros:
Incredibly talented piano player. Played professionally for awhile. Doesn't anymore though.
Skilled outdoorsman/hiker. I unfortunately dont like to hike so maybe I should put this in the cons list - something I simply dont want to do again after a negative experience I had.
Very kind, calm demeanor. Would be hard to get into an argument with him. Makes me feel calmer because with the other guy I feel like its much easier to get into an argument.
Open minded and accepting of everyone. Almost to a passive degree though.
Amazing sex, best I've ever had. So attracted to him its crazy.
Sweet and caring. Emotionally more expressive and communicates his feelings much better in a very romantic way.
Has a go with the flow attitude.
We believe the exact same spiritual beliefs and have had long in depth talks about meditation and spiritual teachers.
Said he loves me and that he's never felt this way about anyone before. Begged me not to leave. Broke my heart to see him hurt like that when I didn't want to stop seeing him yet either but had to make the choice sooner than later before I got more invested in both of them.

Cons:
Pot head. Smokes to calm down a lot, smokes in the morning, noon and night. Not sure if its just when he's with me or if its a daily thing for him.
Very, very little money. To the point that he has to live with his parents. We are all in our early 30s. He doesn't know when he will be able to move out. I was able to overlook this if things got serious and we moved in together.
Doesn't have a car, because he said his truck broke down and doesn't know when he will be able to afford one. Says he will in a few weeks but who knows? So I have to drive to him and drive us everywhere with mine.
Has no plans to change his current job which he loves because he's passionate about it (camp counselor) - Says he doesn't do it for the money. Leaves for 2 weeks out of the month every month for said job.
Our sleep schedules are NOT the same (morning person vs night owl)
Messy (computer was dirty and clothes sprawled on the floor when I unexpectedly was invited over)
Drives really slow making me feel like he isn't confident on the road.
Wouldn't protect me in a fight because he said if an intruder came in, he'd wanna talk instead of defend us.
Has female friends he hikes with/hangs out with and even calls one his best friend.

I AM SO CONFUSED.

You're confused because none of them is the right guy! They're train wrecks! Telling you he wants to marry you after only knowing you a few weeks is an attempt to manipulate you! " Manipulate", as in---c-o-n-t-r-o-l ! It's a red flag! Coming on too strong too soon. It's a known ploy men use. We see it on this forum all the time.


Both of these guys have red flags all around them! You are FAR from ready to make a life-changing decision like this. Don't be in such a hurry. Meet more guys: psychologically, emotionally healthy guys. Consider talking with a counselor to figure out why you're wanting to make one of life's biggest commitments with two guys who are in no way fit for the role you want to place them in. You're putting yourself at huge risk! You need to figure out why you're making such poor choices, and why you're turning a few weeks of dating into marriage scenarios.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by usayit

You often don't get to choose who you fall in love with.

You do choose tho. They told her they loved her after a couple of weeks….that’s a big red flag right there. AND, that doesn’t count all their other red flags. The O.P. should have known to stop seeing both of them & that they aren’t worth another date. She kept seeing both of them tho….so it says something about her too.

She chose to stay. She chose to give them the time of day. So, she chose to love them.

Originally Posted by usayit

I couldn't accept or live with a female version of Ken nor Eric.

I wouldn’t fall in love with her Ken or Eric type in the 1st place. It’s common sense. I wouldn’t have dated any man who showed signs of an abusive personality, did drugs, lives at home with his parents or most of the stuff she listed.

Love doesn’t just happen out of the blue. We choose who we date. AND, IMO…that’s the same thing as choosing who & why we eventually fall in love.

[HoneyWest]

This is why it's important to not engage on a wildly sexually relationship right away; take your time and actually get to the know the person. Helps maintain some type of clarity for all parties involved. Wishing you the best.

[usayit]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

You do choose tho. They told her they loved her after a couple of weeks….that’s a big red flag right there. AND, that doesn’t count all their other red flags. The O.P. should have known to stop seeing both of them & that they aren’t worth another date. She kept seeing both of them tho….so it says something about her too.

She chose to stay. She chose to give them the time of day. So, she chose to love them.






I wouldn’t fall in love with her Ken or Eric type in the 1st place. It’s common sense. I wouldn’t have dated any man who showed signs of an abusive personality, did drugs, lives at home with his parents or most of the stuff she listed.

Love doesn’t just happen out of the blue. We choose who we date. AND, IMO…that’s the same thing as choosing who & why we eventually fall in love.

Ah I see the misunderstanding.... and I think you and I are essentially saying the same thing.

You equate Love as two components; feelings for said individual and choice to pursue/maintain a relationship.

I equate Love as a single component; the chemistry and attraction that develops in the heart. I guess the "dictionary" definition; "an intense feeling of deep affection". That is something I don't have much control over. It doesn't mean that I made the choice to pursue a relationship with said person. That decision is a choice... my choice. Either way, I still experience love and feelings for that individual. Often, I don't even reveal my feelings because a future as a couple simply wasn't possible for whatever reason.

[mikeugh]

Originally Posted by HoneyWest

This is why it's important to not engage on a wildly sexually relationship right away; take your time and actually get to the know the person. Helps maintain some type of clarity for all parties involved. Wishing you the best.

Yup, do this and remain single forever.

Glad my wife wasn't a prude.