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Sorry if this reads as a bit scattershot - It's a problem of mine so please bear with me.
So, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months now. She's sweet, caring, honest, attractive (to me) and thoughtful, but suffers from the same mental and emotional issues that I do. I'm really concerned that our mix of issues will just make us both spiral. We both suffer from depression, anxiety, and just general abandonment issues. This is my first relationship after taking 1 1/2 years off from dating to enter therapy and really try to get to the core of my issues (chemical and otherwise), because I felt ill equipped to accept and give love in a healthy way.
Currently, I feel like she's in the place that I was ~2 years ago - meaning that she's probably not stable to be in a serious relationship right now. She's prone to random sobbing episodes, is severely clingy, and is frankly exhibiting signs that I recognize from my past, and it's really sort of triggering me. I had never expected something like this - it's like looking in a mirror from the past and watching a version of myself.
She is not currently in therapy, and admits that she needs to find a therapist and take her medication more seriously (she'll remember to take her daily medication like, 2/7 days of the week), and I'm getting to the point of just wanting to grab her by the shoulders and tell her "get some ****ing help", but I also don't really feel like that's my place. I don't want to make therapy a condition for the relationship because I feel that it is very unhealthy, but if she does't take the initiative to take care of her own emotional and mental well-being on her own, can I be expected to stick around and basically live with one foot in a mental space that I worked very hard to escape?
One of the major lessons I took away from my therapy, was that I owed it to myself to set boundaries and take care of my own emotional state before bending over backwards for others. Can someone who has been in a similar situation, give some advice? I feel so lost on what to do. A big part of me wants to stay with her and try to help guide her through this journey.... but does that enter the territory of trying to "fix" someone? I fear that this path may cause a lot more stress than it's ultimately worth. This relationship is still so new that I'm not sure if this is even a hill worth dying on.
She's been great throughout this whole thing. She understands where I'm coming from, and actually agrees that it's probably best to end this.. but it''s so much harder when it's not her fault. She was dealt a rough hand and she's just trying to figure it out like I was. Of course, I feel like this is 50% on me, and if I had a higher tolerance for certain situations, maybe I wouldn't even be concerned. I just feel so guilty for abandoning (my word) her in a great moment of need... but am I giving myself the short stick for thinking I can make it work out? I'm not even sure that I'm emotionally prepared to help, whatever that even look like.
TL;DR: Girlfriend is going through a pretty bad bout of depression. I can't tell if it's more harmful to stay and help her, or just step away and let her discover herself. This relationship is still so new that I'm not sure if this is even a hill worth dying on.
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. I can elaborate on anything I failed to cover in OP.
You have to protect your own mental health first. You do need to break up with her. Discuss this with your therapist, but if she's triggering you it's a problem. Better to break it off after three months than three years. Be glad you are still.in the beginning of this relationship and not deeply entrenched, married or living together or have children together. Accept that it's a sad situation, but break up. She has to be responsible for her own mental health. Breaking up with her may get her to take her issues seriously enough to take action. In the meantime, remove yourself from her life. Get out of harms way.
The current state will certainly not work in the long run. What you are unsure about is if it helps to stay in or out. This is what dating is for. To discover each other. And both sides decide if it works or not.
Fact one- you can't help her heal a mental issue. You'll quickly get frustrated waiting for change. You have to decide if this is ok with you. Since you have doubts now, be honest about that. Her anxiety etc will have major impacts on your relationship.
If it were me I would say both sides have a lot to work on to get to healthier, and each side has to work on that on their own.
Do you see yourself marrying this woman? Children? If no then I say bail. If yes then stick by her side and continue to encourage her to take her meds, seek therapy and of course eat a healthy non-inflammatory diet (i.e. no wheat, alcohol or pot and little to no processed sugar).
Her getting mental health services is a necessity. You being with her is a condition. You can step back, follow her comments ('She understands where I'm coming from, and actually agrees that it's probably best to end this'), and see what happens in the future.
I think you put yourself in a corner when you look at either/or. This is multiple and there are several ways to go. Realize she is not you and what you may see on the surface may not be what is happening within - this is analogously 'genotype is not phenotype.' She may need meds, therapy, an exercise plan, diet, or any number of things that will work for her, that she can implement, that will help her/she can follow for health.
Leaving for your own well-being is not abandonment. Staying for them to get better is conditional, and no one should be put in that place (you to wait for improvement and she to move beyond her own identified processes to improve). BLUF: do what YOU want/need, and let the chips fall where they lie. Your creating a boundary may instill health for both of you moving into a great path. She can find you later. And you (author) should continue working on yourself. I'm sure your can improve (we all can and we must dedicate undivided attention to those improvements).
You have to protect your own mental health first. You do need to break up with her. Discuss this with your therapist, but if she's triggering you it's a problem. Better to break it off after three months than three years. Be glad you are still.in the beginning of this relationship and not deeply entrenched, married or living together or have children together. Accept that it's a sad situation, but break up. She has to be responsible for her own mental health. Breaking up with her may get her to take her issues seriously enough to take action. In the meantime, remove yourself from her life. Get out of harms way.
Agree.
And its only 3 months. Its not like you are abandoning a spouse.
Stop having sex. The last thing you need is unwanted pregnancy. If you never want kids, get a vasectomy to protect yourself.
Investigate natural remedies for mood -- diet, supplements, hormones and exercise. Lots of info out there. The longer people stay on these Big Pharma mood altering drugs, the worse they seem to get. Every mass shooter has been on these psychiatric drugs. Follow the money.
Concentrate on your career. The economy is tanking. You need to get out of debt and have cash on hand in case of 'bank holidays' when the banks will close. Move to a cheaper place to live if you can. A change of scenery will help you forget her.
You owe her nothing. You can't fix her. She has to learn to be an independent adult.
Sorry if this reads as a bit scattershot - It's a problem of mine so please bear with me.
So, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months now. She's sweet, caring, honest, attractive (to me) and thoughtful, but suffers from the same mental and emotional issues that I do. I'm really concerned that our mix of issues will just make us both spiral. We both suffer from depression, anxiety, and just general abandonment issues. This is my first relationship after taking 1 1/2 years off from dating to enter therapy and really try to get to the core of my issues (chemical and otherwise), because I felt ill equipped to accept and give love in a healthy way.
Currently, I feel like she's in the place that I was ~2 years ago - meaning that she's probably not stable to be in a serious relationship right now. She's prone to random sobbing episodes, is severely clingy, and is frankly exhibiting signs that I recognize from my past, and it's really sort of triggering me. I had never expected something like this - it's like looking in a mirror from the past and watching a version of myself.
She is not currently in therapy, and admits that she needs to find a therapist and take her medication more seriously (she'll remember to take her daily medication like, 2/7 days of the week), and I'm getting to the point of just wanting to grab her by the shoulders and tell her "get some ****ing help", but I also don't really feel like that's my place. I don't want to make therapy a condition for the relationship because I feel that it is very unhealthy, but if she does't take the initiative to take care of her own emotional and mental well-being on her own, can I be expected to stick around and basically live with one foot in a mental space that I worked very hard to escape?
One of the major lessons I took away from my therapy, was that I owed it to myself to set boundaries and take care of my own emotional state before bending over backwards for others. Can someone who has been in a similar situation, give some advice? I feel so lost on what to do. A big part of me wants to stay with her and try to help guide her through this journey.... but does that enter the territory of trying to "fix" someone? I fear that this path may cause a lot more stress than it's ultimately worth. This relationship is still so new that I'm not sure if this is even a hill worth dying on.
She's been great throughout this whole thing. She understands where I'm coming from, and actually agrees that it's probably best to end this.. but it''s so much harder when it's not her fault. She was dealt a rough hand and she's just trying to figure it out like I was. Of course, I feel like this is 50% on me, and if I had a higher tolerance for certain situations, maybe I wouldn't even be concerned. I just feel so guilty for abandoning (my word) her in a great moment of need... but am I giving myself the short stick for thinking I can make it work out? I'm not even sure that I'm emotionally prepared to help, whatever that even look like.
TL;DR: Girlfriend is going through a pretty bad bout of depression. I can't tell if it's more harmful to stay and help her, or just step away and let her discover herself. This relationship is still so new that I'm not sure if this is even a hill worth dying on.
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. I can elaborate on anything I failed to cover in OP.
I think in this case therapy should be a condition of the relationship. It may be the catalyst for her to get the help she needs. What is more important right now is that BOTH of you take care of yourselves and your own needs. I dont think you are able to help her right now and she needs to learn to stand on her own feet just as you did.
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