Girlfriends Ex Husband priority (dating, boyfriend, married, guys)
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My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half - we are both divorced, with kids.
I have been having a problem with the amount of energy she spends on her ex husband. He is an alcoholic, ADHD. Holds a job tho and seems to be an OK father for the most part.
Her son is ADHD as well, so this creates issues between him and his Dad...things just escalate between them and she often has to step in, or take her son when he doesnt want to be with his dad.
My main issue at this point is that she is still doing favours for him, running errands for him, taking the kids when "something comes up" for him. They also communicate ALOT. Now before you roast me...I do understand that they are co-parenting and doing so takes some communication. When her and I are together (we are not living together) I often see her texting him, and talk to him at least once per day. She tells me its not about him, its about her kids. I suspect they are basically having conversations constantly. They talk about things outside of the kids (sports scores, his dating life, Etc). I have become reasonably comfortable with this, with the odd time I find it too much and bring it up. I do not believe there is anything "wrong" going on...like romantically or any possibility they would get back together. I do believe that all the communication fosters a bond between them.
Example - he bought tickets for his kids to a show, on a night he had the kids. Her and I had planned a night out, (we live over an hour apart). When she arrives at my house, she has the tickets in her purse. He asked her to pick them up for him and so she did. Now we have to drive the tickets back to him, our night is ruined. We have a big talk about doing favours for him. We seem to come to an understanding.
This past weekend he is hosting a party for his sons sports team and the parents. He needs to return a keg to the liquor store. He asks her to do it, and pick up desert. She does it. I am with her. she knows how I feel about it. So Im feeling pretty uncomfortable, but I keep my mouth shut and carry on with no intention of bringing it up again.
Honestly - I feel as though it simply doesnt matter how I feel about it...shes just gonna do it. She cant seem to say no to him.
OK...so now to the issue that brings me here looking for unbiased opinion.
Yesterday, her son started a group chat with me, her, and the ex husband. Sends us all a funny meme. She laughs in the chat, I comment in the chat that it is funny, then a pause. Her and I text outside of the chat saying how nice it is that he started the chat, how he is including everyone. This is at 9. I send her a response. She doesnt reply...I figure shes busy at work no big deal. At 944 the Ex comments on the group chat. She replies to him at 946. Still doesnt reply to my text for another 15 minutes.
So now im thinking what I kinda suspected in the first place...they are talking alot and the reason she "is busy at work" isnt work at all, but her and him taking up time she would have been texting me in the past. He takes priority over me. I know this is a reach based on one text, but given the circumstance...is it really?
Like a few weeks ago she went quiet for an extended period of time (not like her at all). She said she was swamped at work. Later that day I am at the kids sporting event and the Ex husband tells me how she came up with a playoff spreadsheet for the team that day. WTF. She wasnt busy at work, she was busy making a spreadsheet...and he knew about it. So busy talking to him and making a spreadsheet.
I dont know. I really like her, our time together is pretty great when shes not preoccupied by him. Im starting to feel as though my feelings are not important to her, and this stuff is never going to change.
I think you have every right to have an issue with this. I dated a guy that had so many conversations with his EX every day, that he would run out of minutes on his phone (long time ago).
It is fine for them to occasionally have to talk concerning the kids, but that's it. They aren't ready to let go of one another, that's exactly what the problem is. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, she probably was married a long time and isn't ready to move on without "the family unit". The ignoring you and going above and beyond for him is unacceptable in my book and I would put a stop to it.
Now you have to figure out whether or not this is a "dealbreaker" for you. A dealbreaker (to me) is an issue that I am uncomfortable with, I don't like it, it bothers me all the time, and I can't shake the bad feeling it gives me. Am I willing to live like that for the rest of my life with that one problem always there? NO. If you can say yes, then do what you think but if you can't "deal" with it, then you need to let her know.
If things don't slow down a LOT after you talk to her, then let her know you may have to remove yourself from this situation as it is a dealbreaker for you and thank you and goodbye.
I bet this is a timing thing for her and if you were to meet her 5 years after her divorce she would be all through this but both of them have to learn to live without each other in their daily lives. If they can't do that, then leave them to deal with their own chaos. Your feelings are important and she is not being respectful of you or your feelings.
I am trying to figure out why this bothers you so much. She has a life that includes her child and by extension, his father. The father needs support from her to be an organized, effective dad. Helping him helps the child. And every interaction you bring up has to do with this child. You are the least important element of this equation.
The child is the priority. Not you, not the ex. But the ex's involvement is required.
So what do you propose as a solution to your hurt feelings?
I wonder if maybe you're not cut out to be dating a divorced parent. Because what she is doing is exactly what children of divorced parents need the most: two adults getting along, supporting each other, communicating freely and putting the child first.
You have two people in this scenario that are ADHD. Add on that the ex is an alcoholic.
Your girlfriend is the glue trying to hold things together for her son. You apparently aren't broken so she doesn't need to try to keep you together. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that you are needy (I don't mean that as overly so) in a different way (emotionally) and that she is basically setting you and what you want (a weekend out, for example) aside because she can get back to you later without it being a problem for her.
Yes, she needs to put her son first, but she's also enabling the ex. She fixes any screw ups - him not having picked up a dessert in one case. Maybe it's just a lot of little insignificant things, but what she's not seeing is how the little things add up.
The thing is, the kid is young now. It's to be expected he needs a lot of time and attention even without ADHD. But will it ever end? 8 or 9 years from now when he's through HS? She may feel at that point that she can cut strings with her Ex and he can fade in to the background.
I don't think it's a jealousy issue on your part. Not the you still have feelings for your ex type jealousy, threatened by his very presence. It seems like it's more a matter of you can't have any uninterrupted quality time with her. That would get old. Always being put last would get old. She is doing a better job at meeting the emotional needs of her Ex than yours. She doesn't need to be discussing his live life with him at all, for example. Do you think she would notice if you just faded away?
I'd look at the foreseeable future and move on. You may feel more committed than that. If so, maybe go with her to a counselor to get some insight on what's reasonable, and whether or not she needs to set more boundaries with her ex.
She probably likes feeling needed by him, maybe co-dependent. That is unlikely to change. If she puts him first now with things like kegs and chats imagine if something serious comes into play, like he gets sick from his alcoholism or something. You'll never see her again.
I'm really trying not to bring this up. But I'm finding I'm ultra sensitive now, and preoccupied with it. I'm scared to bring it up because it's been an ongoing issue that we have already discussed. I feel as though the conversation may lead to the end of our relationship.
Thanks everyone for the comments so far. Appreciate it.
I'm really trying not to bring this up. But I'm finding I'm ultra sensitive now, and preoccupied with it. I'm scared to bring it up because it's been an ongoing issue that we have already discussed. I feel as though the conversation may lead to the end of our relationship.
Thanks everyone for the comments so far. Appreciate it.
How about maybe talking about some tangible boundaries? I'm not sure what that would look like...Maybe agreeing to no communication between her and ex after 6 pm unless it's an emergency? Something like that.
Sounds like there's so much going on in the young lady's life that she needs two husbands. And you're being dragged into the middle of it.
She's trying to deal with two ADHD guys which is more than any one person can deal with properly.
It's time to exit the situation. She's not going to change.
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