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I have been writing back and forth with someone on a dating site. She's attractive and we have quite a few things in common and we're around the same age (40ish). Come to find out, she said that she has four kids, ages from 10-18. She seems like a good mom and is involved with their activities and they seem to stay out of trouble.
With that being said, I have little experience dating moms. I thought maybe I'd be open to dating a mom with one kid, or with multiple older kids, but didn't think I'd hit it off with a mom of four.
People will say that moms will put their kids first and I'm okay with that as I'm not really looking for someone to be available all the time. I had dates with a couple of women without kids recently and they seemed pretty self absorbed. So perhaps I should be open to dating a mom and see how it goes? Or is this just something that is typically doomed to fail? (i.e. single never married guy with no kids and divorced mom with multiple kids)
Hahahaha! You can date all sorts of people. It could be an interesting experience for you. Can this woman afford baby sitters for the youngest one or two? Do the kids all have the same father?Are these high achieving children headed for college? Will you be able to date her without having to take kids on the dates? Some kids grow up and never manage to leave home.
It depends on what you want long term. You say you aren't needing someone to be around all the time, but what if you decide eventually that you want to cohabitate? Do you want to help finance her kids? Can she easily afford four kids? Can you deal with kids that might resent you dating their mother? Four kids will have four different personalities.
What does she want? Will she want you to go watch her kids sports if they are involved in any? Is she going to want you to just be someone to date, or is she going to want you to participate in family outings? Does she just want sex at your place and you never need to meet the kids? Maybe explore her relationship goals to see if they are compatible with yours.
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Those are all very important points. Are they things that should be addressed from the get go or do you wait until you're in deeper and then deal with those issues? I would not want to be presumptuous, but at the same time, I would not want to waste anyone's time.
I wouldn't have been able to date a man if he had 4 children even if they didn't live with him and were somewhere far away. I think children are always more important than a partner, so there isn't much time or attention left for me anymore.
I think if I were a man, I would reason the same way. For example, she will bake a cake and give the 4 best slices to her children and you will get what's left over.
But on the other hand, if they're 10-18 years old, that means they're almost adults. I have lived separately from my parents since I was 17. They will start taking care of themselves soon, maybe that softens situation a little, but I still wouldn't.
Catch 22 situation.
Bringing a string of random dates into the lives of your kids is generally considered a no go. Most moms won't bring a guy around her kids until she's dated him long enough to establish that 1. he's a good man and 2. the relationship looks to be headed somewhere.
Meaning you likely won't get a chance to experience the kids and make any kind of judgments until the relationship is somewhat established.
I don't see a problem with dating her but you need to be upfront and honest with yourself and with her about what you both want out of it. If the idea is that a long term relationship is possible you both need to do some real soul searching and communicating UPFRONT. E-Twist brings up a few good starting points.
I wouldn't have been able to date a man if he had 4 children even if they didn't live with him and were somewhere far away. I think children are always more important than a partner, so there isn't much time or attention left for me anymore.
I think if I were a man, I would reason the same way. For example, she will bake a cake and give the 4 best slices to her children and you will get what's left over.
But on the other hand, if they're 10-18 years old, that means they're almost adults. I have lived separately from my parents since I was 17. They will start taking care of themselves soon, maybe that softens situation a little, but I still wouldn't.
Before you get involved, make sure she has the resources to take care of her kids by herself at least to some degree. Besides from all the time commitments required with somebody else's kids, it's tough to get in too deep and realize that you are basically serving as a bank machine for her.
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