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Cinder... you know... I'm following a pattern I've seen with a couple other posters in here... in that I really didn't intend to address anything in here. I didn't see a need for it. Instead of a relationship thread, this became a "daily journal" thread. And I have received several emails supporting me on my perception that this shouldn't become the norm.
Now, I know you think I'm shallow, dumb, or incompetent (based on the fact that you think I will NEVER understand what you are going through). But I hope in sharing what I'm about to with you, you will think differently. And I'm sharing this only for one reason. I think it's important... especially at this point of your life/relationship... that you realize what you went through was not a unique situation to you only. That you realize that others have gone through it, and (read this next part carefully) with the right person, you can come out so far ahead in life. On a side note, I did ask my wife before posting it, because unlike some, I just don't feel everyone needs to know everything about my personal life.
That said: My wife was in a situation very similar to yours, although I'm sure it was different in many ways as well. She met her ex-husband in high school, and the control started right from the beginning. She was a straight "A" student, and of course he was the "bad boy." She was number 4 in her graduating class and had intended to go to college to get her degree in economics. In fact, she had even started attending classes before he truly began showing his true colors. He told her she had to drop out of college. Now, I never asked her what his reasons were for the demand, but I can assume it's the normal reason any guy tries to control a woman in school: He doesn't want her to be more successful than him... he doesn't want her educated (because that's a way out of control)... he doesn't want her in a more powerful position in life... I'm sure there's more reasons, and any combination or all may have been the contributing factor. Regardless, she didn't finish her college, and had to get a job.
His infidelity started fairly early on as well. He would go out with guys to strip clubs... he would just meet girls and have his fling. Whatever it was, he came back to her after she found out about it, saying it was a mistake and would never happen again. And his control reached so far, that every time she took him back. His lack of concern for her was so great, that there was a time she developed endromitriosis (sp?). Unfortunately, she had to have a full hysterectomy. And if it wasn't bad enough that she had to go in for a procedure that would take away any choice she had of having any children besides the daughter they had, his conveyance to her before she went into surgery was simply "It's only surgery!!" But that's not the cream on top... what was so special was that on the night she had her surgery, instead of being at the hospital supporting her, he was at a strip club! And of course, being under the control that she was, as much as it pained her to find out about it... she looked past it.
The control was deep.. and every chance he got to hurt her (emotionally), he did. If they were out to dinner with family and friends, and she ever said something that either contradicted something he said or even if he just disagreed, he would tell her in front of everyone, "Shut up!" or something just as degrading or demeaning. He would verbally abuse her if she even just ironed the wrong shirt for what he wanted to wear for that day. (She ironed his clothes!!! Do you know how many men would be ecstatic if their wife would do that?!?). She would pack his lunch every morning, and he would b**** about what she put in it! She would call him sometimes during the day to see how his day was... and he would yell at her for bothering him.
After she dropped out of college, they got a job working at the same assisted living house. She would help cook, clean, and provide medication to the patients living there and he was maintenance work. The bought the house right next door to where they work. And still he would try to control everything. She would try to pay the bills, and he would spend the money. He would say he's going out to get gas, and take $300 out of their account. This often left her having to figure out whether to pay for the electricity or put food on the table! Then he would say he's going shooting with his friends, and spend the $300 on girls at the strip club. Leaving her to take care of their daughter together. She had to resort to hiding money in the freezer, just so she had some extra to buy diapers or food with when they ran short.
There was physical abuse and control in that relationship, too. But I would like to leave that as private... I hope you understand. I just wanted to mention that it did exist so that you can see a big picture on the control he had over her.
He has also been into drugs (not cocaine, meth, crack, or marijuana... but pain pills). He has stolen from everyone (including hocking jewelry, stealing all the money from his daughter's piggy bank, and even stole from his parents house. And through this all, he put her in the middle of it, and under his control, she lied and covered for him all his life. Shortly after they separated, he didn't have her to cover and went to jail (and has been in and out since).
Her and I met towards the end of their 20 year relationship... 2 months before he moved out to be exact. And, since then, she's been blooming into an absolutely beautiful woman... the woman she was meant to be!!
I have tried to encourage her in all aspects of her life. She has gotten her Certified Nursing Assistant credentials, and (if I have anything to do with keeping my foot in her bottom) she'll finally get her nursing license... if I can continue to convince her she's smart enough to do it!! She moved down here with me almost 5 years ago, and we'll be married 3 years this November. Her financial credit since moving here is perfect. We we discuss things, I encourage her to provide HER point of view, not only even when it differs from mine, but especially when it differs from mine. I know I'm not going to be right all the time, and I need her to be able to articulate that.
One side note is that her daughter was distraught at first, of course, of not having "daddy" around (she's 11 now). But over time, she has come to see what her real father is, and completely sees me as her father (and introduces me as such to her friends and teachers).
Why I tell you about what I did is not to "toot my own horn" but to show what the right guy can do for you ... for anyone in your situation or hers. Not just a man who will help you develop into the relation he wants, but into the relation you want. He has to see where you can go in life and do everything he can to support you into getting there. And if there comes a time where you're not sure if you want to go left or right... instead of making the decision for you... sit there and wait as long as it takes for you to decide.. then encourage to you to follow through with it.
This is where I think your friends are going with D. His first impression on people here (those that know you and even those of us that don't), wasn't that he was looking out to make you better as much as to fill his needs as well. That's not always a bad thing... looking out for someone who will compromise to your needs... as long as it's not someone who doesn't know completely what their own are yet.
Now.. provided you don't have me on ignore and can read this... understand three things: First... you are not alone and the only person who has/will go through what you did; second... your primary concern right now has to be to discover who you are, what you want, and take care of yourself and your kids; and third... know your friends are here. Not to always tell you want you want to hear... but tell you what you might need to hear. You can run around naked for the most part... and they will still support you... but they will tell you that you're running around naked.
I hope you understand the intent of my post... and learn to take care of you and your kids before anything else. D may be part of the bigger plan... but if he's Mr. Right... he'll be there when you're ready for him, right? If it's really meant to be... when you are finally happy with yourself and have life in the right direction... if it's meant to be... D will be there. Don't rush it.
Like some of the others recently, I read this continually but post on it very little. It's much too soon in your burgeoning relationship to introduce the kids. I've been there...was a single parent for 11 years before I met the right woman. There were ups and downs along the way, but the most important factor in your life right now should be the welfare of the children, and taking them on this trip probably wasn't in their best interest in the long run. At least this soon. I hope you find the peace you need.
Well, I have posted a huge post and it did not load. I really don't want to retype all of that.
Here we go.
I am fine. I start work on Monday. Will take the kids to meet j tomorrow morning at the half way mark.
I am very proud of my son right now, of both of my children.
I have not ever said I am perfect, or that I am trying to attain perfection. Jesus... Perfect.
Robyn... just a woman. Just me.
I know people think I should not be involving my children in this situation. Now, I have dated a few other men, and liked them, but they were not for me, or I was not for them, who knows.
But I would not have felt comfortable, nor did I even feel the need to introduce the kids to them.
I would sit there and think to myself, is he good for the kids? Would they like him? So many thoughts would run through my head.
This situation? There was no question this time. I talked to my children about it. I continue to talk to them about it.
I am open with them and I respect their feelings.
I ask them how they feel about things. I let them know they can tell me anything, they can be open and honest with me.
My son told me his feelings, as well as did my daughter. They have given me positive thoughts as well as negative.
I allow them their thoughts. The negative? Mommy, at first I wasn't so sure, but now I am.
Nothing else. That's it. Now, the kids are becoming the people they were meant to be, for all time.
They are just like me. Opening up to the person they were meant to be, with that old person sitting there next to them..
My sons' low self esteem has left him, for the better part.
I see on his face smiles and laughter. I do not know this child. I see his facial espressions screaming in fun, in happiness. He is so ..... I don't know. I am looking into the face of the young man I should have been seeing for always.
I have met my son finally. I have met my little boy, as he should have always been.
Now, I know he has a ways to go, but the door is open. The door is open and he walks through. He was afraid of the first step, just like I was. But the moment he stepped over the threshold, he knew. He knew it was the right thing.
He was afraid of feeling like that, I know he was. I know the feeling, because I had it.
I was afraid of hurting ib, I was afraid of changing who I was, of changing our lives.
I saw that fear in A. I saw it, and it hurt me to tears. I was happy, I was sad, I was hurt that my son even had to go through this feeling, but he had to.
I knew that day on he track that the day would come. It has come and here we are.
OK, I have tried to post two huge posts, they are not posting, the server goes down, whatever the case.
I am not doing it again.
I am fine, kids are fine. I am happy, kids are happy.
Start work on Monday.
I am not going to apologize for everyone thinking I do not know what I am doing. Nor4mally ,my words would be I am sorry you all think such and such, but I am done apologizing.
That was my life before. I had to apologize apologize apologize. No more.
I am not exposing my kids to things they should not be seeing. My kids are so happy. I am seeing two individuals that I have never known before.
I am meeting them for the first time in my life, and they are meeting me.
We are becoming the people we were meant to be, and mixing and mingling with one another.
Neither D nor I are perfect, nor do we claim to be as such. We are good parents, and we compliment each other in our parenting, I believe.
I am not controlled unless I allow it. Does that sound funny? It's true. It is true in so many aspects of my life. My kids, work, ib... everything.
I know one little post created this monster, and now everyone thinks I am insane. I'll have to give you this, that was a post like none other in my thread, it was.
It was posted in fun, and now the world thinks I am..... well, we know, you all know how you feel.
Glad to hear you and the kids are happy/doing well. It makes me sad that you think many of us were saying you don't know what you're doing. That isn't the case at all. You can see by all the responses (before this whole thing happening) that you have made many friends here. Nobody has ever thought you are stupid! Far from it.
It's just that it is harder to see the forest for the trees when one is right in the middle of the situation, and the only reason we know that is that we've all been there. And we're certainly not stupid, right? (Okay, well...except for me! )
We've all been cheering you on since Day One in your journey back to yourself. We just didn't want to see you jeapordize that, and when D (that's his initial?) made that whole commentary, we all got scared. I know you would have too, if it had been someone else, and being a caring person, you would definitely have said something.
Nobody thinks you're stupid, and I wish you all the best and am relieved that things are on an even keel for you. Good luck starting your new job on Monday.
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