Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It is back to work today. Sunday I was ill. Weak. Nausea. Just not well. Monday the same. This morning only a migraine that I can tell so far.
Coffee is pretty good, no chocolate in it, so it could be better.
I am sitting here missing people. Still tired. Kind of branded as a bad mother or person in that other thread. But thats ok. I did what I had to do. People ask why I don't turn her over to the state.
I would not ever do that. I had to send her to ib. Even if I wanted to do that, I couldn't. She does need help. Something does have to happen. I do agree there.
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.
I just can't wait for it all to be over. For me to leave this place and just have it all over.
Good Morning Robyn, I've been away and somehow locked out of CD for weeks. I just caught up on all that is going on in your life. I am so sorry to hear of these events. You can be sure that you and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers.
I also read your other thread regarding L's problems.
I'm not sure what to say, but I can't help but feel you must be emotionally drained from trying to deal with all the responsibilities and survival needs of single parenthood during this past year. Truthfully, this is the first time in your own life, you are on your own. You have done remarkably well, and I often think of your loving living at "Chimes", and relishing the freedom of being away from an oppressive married life.
It makes perfect sense that having D in your life to share these stressors, has been so comforting and rejuvenating, you found the strength to stand up to any of us who challenged your affair...forgive us for our wanting more for you than you wanted for yourself. I'm guessing you are moving in together asap...and there is something to be said for that thinking, but at this point, it also makes perfect sense for the kids to be (internally) upset at all the changes they've had to adjust to in the past year...no matter how happily they've appeared in the last month.
For your consideration, it might would have been better to have called social services or the police, after L's first breakdown. I know you didn't (and still don't) want to do it. Not sure why, the parents I work with are as well-intentioned and loving as the best...in no way do those experiences destroy a kid's life. I'm lost as to how you feel sending her back to an abusive environment is the best decision. She needs psy help and should have been put inpatient to help calm her down and accept the reality of her behavior. She is very much a danger to others, and potentially, even to herself. Knowing how much she hates being at ib's, I hope she does not do anything drastic to escape it.
As an adolescent clinician at a psy hospital, I feel certain you would have gotten the help for L she needed, even been connected with social services to clarify for L that she cannot behave the way she has. It was an opp for you to be connected with resources that would have supported your lonely parenting journey. Abuse and intimidation at tjib's will not help her at all...it will leave lots of others even more vulnerable to her anger issues, when he and his family are not looking.
I am heartbroken for L that this is how things have been resolved. ib is an abusive low-life and (as a clinician) I am barely over my anger with your parents that they ever allowed him to be in your life...I am so saddened to think of L being put there now. Please be careful what you do. I agree with the very-perceptive poster who said that A is watching and will react to these decisions too.
You are a very special young woman, Robyn. I believe your life has conditioned you to make these decisions. With the benefit of all the love and support you have received from your CD friends, you need to try to make healthier decisions, than were made for you so many years ago.
But rest assured, based on your own life experiences, we all know you have done the very best you could...and we all know you deserve to be happy. Your health is a big issue here, and I pray you can find the peace of mind that will help you feel better.
Sorry, dear, you know I must be honest, painful as the truth is.
When traumatic things happen it's easy to abandon ourselves and those we love. It's just as easy to make different decisions at anytime. No one is arguing that your daughter needs to be seperated at least momentarily, she needs more love now than any of you. You're still the adult, she is still the child.
I have not kept up on the details of the charade you've been on for the last year, but I have read a few things here and there. If counseling hasn't been a part of your journey, I might suggest you give it a try, if not for yourself, for your children. You've gotten too comfortable with the role of being the victim. I will repeat myself again, you're an adult, you're not the victim. I can't tell you how many dm's and reps I've been getting just from responding to your thread, as blunt and straight forward as I've been. Apparently people don't want to hurt your feelings. You and your children have my love and compassion, but you do not have my approval of the action you took to send your daughter to live with your ex. Weren't you trying to fight for custody? Either he was really not as bad as you made him out to be (again guys, all you know is what she tells you) or you as just as bad as he is.
Your parents abused you, your husband abused you, the people at work (a few jobs right?) were awful, people in town were rude, and now it's your daughter that's abusing you. The common denominator is you, drop the victim role and step into life. Get your power back, you will sleep better, your health will improve and you will find yourself again. I will send your family my love and prayers. Take care.
I've followed cinderobyn's whole story but never posted till now. I'm shocked to read about L's behavior issues because in from the other threads I got the impression that she was a sweet vulnerable young girl who had occasional issues due to having Asperger's. I remember her having the occasional tantrum on school mornings regarding clothes but that's normal for kids in grade school or junior high so thought nothing of it. So to suddenly read that L has been exhibiting extremely violent behavior all along, comes as a real surprise. I can only wonder why this child hasn't had any kind of professional intervention before now? And if she has (maybe that was the 'L's doctor' cinderobyn referred to in earlier threads), then either the doc's recommendations didn't work or weren't followed. If L needs meds to behave normally and wasn't getting them because of money issues, then that's criminal child neglect and the courts should have been involved ASAP. If L needed cancer meds, would any whining about 'I have no money' be tolerated by the other parent? Hopefully not! Anyway,her behavior seems way beyond acceptable within a normal family. Plus L is heading into puberty if she isn't there already, which doesn't help matters any. Rather than sending her off to her dad's military-school environment, L would be much better served by getting the professionals involved. In my state there's something called PINS (Person In Need of Supervision) that can be either in-home or in a facility, and it's designed for situations like this. I agree with the poster who said that if L lives with her father her emotions will be kept under a pressure cooker and she will eventually explode because she'll see no way out other than lashing out with deadly force at someone else, or at herself. Especially if she feels as if her mother has abandoned her to go off to a better life with her boyfriend. I feel sorry for everyone in this situation and think EVERYONE needs help to get their heads straightened out, but L most of all. She's the youngest in this sad drama and the one least able to handle things without objective adult help. Nobody in that family seems capable of being objective and that's too bad.
Robyn, I didn't accuse you of abandoning her; I said that L may very well FEEL that you have. She's only 11, and it sounds like a very immature 11 at that, and I don't think it's a stretch to say that she may interpret it that way. Especially after all the upheaval in her life during the past 12 months. Kids can't be expected to interpret and react to events like this in the same way that adults do. If I were 11 years old and my mom (for WHATEVER reason, and it doesn't sound like L is emotionally capable of accepting responsibility for the cause!) sent me back to live with my dad, and then moved to another town to be with another man (especially if my brother went with her), I would see that as abandonment too. Do you really think L is truly capable of admitting, even to herself, that this turn of events is mostly her fault?? I don't think even a mature 11 yr old would be likely to do that. She's going to look for someone to blame, and it's going to be you... whether you 'abandoned' her or not. She is going to see herself as the victim here, even if there was no crime.
Robyn, Please....rather than disregarding the wisdom (from experienced professionals) which has been graciously and honestly presented to you, reread and think seriously about what they are saying. Perhaps you could stop judging the motives of those who truly care. You are making assumptions about posters who have offered you emotional support for over a year. It seems you are casting blame where no blame is appropriate.
When you read something that you don't like, it appears to me that you become angry and go on the attack. That is not the behavior of someone who is in control of their own life.
You have choices. You have options. L doesn't.
I think you owe a huge thank you to the posters above who took their time and invested in your personal struggle...not with a 'thank you' which is sarcastic. Sarcasm is based in anger. I feel you have no reason to be angry at any of them. You are truly fortunate to have the real support of people who only know your situation from this forum. If you always want a pat on the back and validation, then you don't really want the valuable friendships you have nurtured here.
I would be very suspect of anyone who is supporting this choice for L when there are professional options and resources available. She needs serious help. If someone you know in your world is validating this choice, take a very long look at this person. They do not have L's or your best interest at heart. They are selfish.
It's taken me a long time to figure out what to say her- and I have my doubts whether Robyn is even interested in hearing anything that's not agreeable to what she is doing right now.
The bottom line is this- your children have one childhood. That childhood is going to mold them into the adults they will be and will affect the rest of their lives. YOUR choices today are going to resonate throughout their entire lives. And I appreciate the quandry you find yourself in. A deserves to be safe and doesn't deserve to have the concerns that he might have because of L's behavior.
But L is suffering immensely. You want to believe that her Aspergers has nothing to do with her rages. That line of thinking is absolutely incorrect. I've said before that stability and structure are important to these children and I stand by that statement.
Right now, you are teaching both of your children that they are dispensable. That if they don't act right that they will be tossed away like trash. Although you think you're doing right by A you're only showing him that the kids he may have in the future can be disposed of if they become a problem. And God only knows how L feels having been cast away.
And this is all exasperated by your desire to move and uproot one or both of those kids again. When you have kids you need to do what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for your is best for them in the long run. Sometimes it's not. And until you are certain, you need to keep the status quo.
It's taken me a long time to figure out what to say her- and I have my doubts whether Robyn is even interested in hearing anything that's not agreeable to what she is doing right now.
The bottom line is this- your children have one childhood. That childhood is going to mold them into the adults they will be and will affect the rest of their lives. YOUR choices today are going to resonate throughout their entire lives. And I appreciate the quandry you find yourself in. A deserves to be safe and doesn't deserve to have the concerns that he might have because of L's behavior.
But L is suffering immensely. You want to believe that her Aspergers has nothing to do with her rages. That line of thinking is absolutely incorrect. I've said before that stability and structure are important to these children and I stand by that statement.
Right now, you are teaching both of your children that they are dispensable. That if they don't act right that they will be tossed away like trash. Although you think you're doing right by A you're only showing him that the kids he may have in the future can be disposed of if they become a problem. And God only knows how L feels having been cast away.
And this is all exasperated by your desire to move and uproot one or both of those kids again. When you have kids you need to do what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for your is best for them in the long run. Sometimes it's not. And until you are certain, you need to keep the status quo.
Dittos pirate girl, and well said. I too have been reading along wondering just how to best phrase my words so that Robin truly hears them - and hears them not in a judgmental voice but in an extremely concerned voice.
Robin, this post is right on the money, as are several others. Your family needs professional intervention - yesterday! Bringing your daughter back to her father will do absolutely NOTHING to address the issues. Your child needs help and YOU must get it for her. I understand the need to keep yourself and your son safe, but sending her to him was not the answer. Act quickly to get professionals involved that can work on a temporary placement for her in a theraputic setting - until you get a plan of action. Do you HAVE to move right now? It seems a bit much to take that on too in the middle of this crisis situation. Either way, I implore you, seek professional help immediately.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
