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I wasn't sure what section to put this in but I feel like I have some very important advice to share with people.
I am the youngest child of three children in my adopted family. I am now 41, my brother is like 51 and my sister is 58. Our Father passed away in 1999 leaving my Mother behind to deal with what has become a firestorm.
My Mother who is now 85 was a typical woman of her era (this is the tactful way the lawyers refer to my Mother, rather then saying what is true, my Father kept her in the dark and as a result she is clueles now), never dealt with a check book, paying credit cards or anything to that effect. She had no understanding of for instance charging alot of money on a card and having to pay the interest rather then paying cash for it.
My Father thought he had his will and trust set up well and he nievely thought he could trust who he set up as trustee. My Father rather then look unabashedly at who his son had become, WANTED to believe that when called upon to be trustee and executor that my brother would do the right thing. My Father who was a brilliant business man WANTED to believe his son was like himself when nothing could have been further from the truth.
Name a debauchery and my brother in his lifetime has indulged in it. Everything from theft from his own family members, at 15 visiting prostitutes in Mexico, drug and alcohol addiction, married at 17 and slept with every woman he could get into bed since. One time he had an affraid with a woman who he hired to work in the family travel agency. The woman stole the business blind and because my brother was sleeping with her, he didn't notice. She threatened him and told him that if he allowed my Father to press charges she would make sure the entire truth of the affair would come out. My brother made up this crazy story that this woman had an Iranian boyfriend who was going to kill a member of the family if charges were pressed.
The lies this man has told are an indication of how much he thinks of himself and how stupid he thinks the people around him are.
My Father never recognized or owned that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
The lesson I hope to pass on to people here is that IF you write a will or leave a trust, do not leave a beneficiary of that trust in charge of it.
In the time since my Father death, my Brother has embezzled millions from my Fathers trusts. At this point my Mother doesn't have enough money left to live off of should she live that much longer. In the beginning there was of course MORE then enough money to take care of her in the way she was accustomed to AND leave a significant amount left over for each child.
They have documentation that my brother has not only spent money on himself that was not his but taken money out of the country to places that have no exchange of information with the US. He hasn't had a job at all since 1997 and has been living off my Mother. His wife at times has had no job as well also living off my Mother. My Mother has paid for their medical insurance rather then ONE of them maintaining a job so that they could have insurance. He has purchased countless cars for himself, his wife, their son, their daughter in law and his wives parents.
He has isolated my Mother to the point where I can't even call her. When I have been able to call in the past, he has recorded the conversations without her knowledge. How do I know this? He has told me and in fact on one occasion sent me an email containing some of the recordings of conversations between my sister and my Mom. He will come and threaten people who try to visit my Mother. He leaves her alone days on end, makes NO EFFORT to make sure she has eaten, taken her medication or gets out on a regular basis. At this point in my Mothers life she is confused and has no idea what is going on. At times she seems to wake up and realize but my brother so intimidates her and controls her that she can't fight against him, she has said in fact she fears him.
My sister is a nutcase just like him although easier somewhat for me to deal with. She has brought a lawsuit against him but there is very little money left. Of course the real estate will be returned to the trust but anywhere from 3-6 million dollars of my Fathers hard earned money has evaporated in a puff of smoke.
In my case, my brother was a problem person prior to all of this starting but since my Father death. My Father was able to keep in under some control while he was alive. I have spoken to countless people who will tell you that the minute a person diess and a bunch of money is dumped into their lap, it changes them. Use a professional, NOT a beneficiary as a trustee or to be in charge of a will. Don't leave it to a family member.
My Mother like many Mothers out there had collected furniture, dishes, general home things that she wanted to go to her daughters. She had even labeled things. My Mother had a huge collection of depression glass in many colors. My brother and his wife took the lables off and kept what they wanted. Labels written by my Mother. Even the china cabinet that had been in the family for 60-70 years that she had wanted to pass along to me, my brother took and gave to his wife. It was my Mothers opinion that his wife had been given things by her Mother, it was my Mothers place to give it to her daughters.
If you are in a position to be thinking of this, don't leave it until you are gone to give these things out. If you want a certain person to have a set of dishes, or your Mothers china cabinet, do it NOW. I can't tell you how many people I have heard tell stories like this.
One person told me that her husbands Mother passed away, all the kids came there to her home. Her husband had taken some kind of dish or candlesticks and put them in his room. The wife of one of his brothers, went into his room when he wasn't there and took them. This may sound shocking to you but its not unusual.
Last time I was at my Mothers, my brother and his wife came and searched my belongings on multiple occasions. How do I know this? I noticed things had been moved around. There is a communicating door between the apartment that my Mother lives in and the larger part of the house where my brother lives. I would take a thread or a small pebble and lay it on the lever style handle. It was always gone when I would come back. You could see things had been gone through. I had to leave certain things I wanted to keep confidential with a friend in town. It has literally gotten to an insane level.
Things are almost over and settled although things will never be completely done until my Mother has passed away. My Mothers last years should have been a peaceful time filled with playing with her grandchildren and great grandchildren. Its been more then 2 years since my Mother has seen my daughter, I'm not sure she would even recognize her.
Last time I was in Texas, it was over Christmas. The plan for ALL of us, was to go out to a popular hotel that had an amazing buffet for Christmas dinner. He had gotten so mad at me that he demanded that my Mother go with him and his wife and leave my daughter and I alone in her apartment for Christmas day. What was my sin? He came in and started yelling at me, I sat there quietly listening to him, saying "I can understand how you would feel that way". BUT never contradicting him, never yelling at him. He kept escalating, louder and louder, more and more threatening, waving his arms, trying to frighten me. I sat there, almost grinding my teeth, knowing if he saw my fear, I was lost. My daughter would have to HEAR him hitting me.
Please let this be a cautionary tale, don't let things go this way with your family. You don't have any idea who a person is until they are put into a position of power with money and control. Don't let it happen.
He has isolated my Mother to the point where I can't even call her. When I have been able to call in the past, he has recorded the conversations without her knowledge. How do I know this? He has told me and in fact on one occasion sent me an email containing some of the recordings of conversations between my sister and my Mom. He will come and threaten people who try to visit my Mother. He leaves her alone days on end, makes NO EFFORT to make sure she has eaten, taken her medication or gets out on a regular basis. At this point in my Mothers life she is confused and has no idea what is going on. At times she seems to wake up and realize but my brother so intimidates her and controls her that she can't fight against him, she has said in fact she fears him..
Lindsey - I'm sorry you have to go through this and had to go through this. Regarding the above - can you contact Adult Protective Services in your mother's area and have them investigate her living situation?
Lindsey I will keep you all in my prayers. Your words of caution are so true and thank you for sharing. Things were not as putrid when my mother died but there were actions by siblings [or their SO] I found hard to believe. So sad your Mother is left to finish her life in fear and isolation!!!
Vulnerable adults have resources maybe there is some avenue to help your mom. But first, protect your daughter and yourself.
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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Quote:
Originally Posted by himain
Why haven't you gotten the proper authorities involved in this?
Unless he's doing something illegal with the money, the executor of the estate has, well, executive powers.
I spent a lot of time in my 20's going through clerk's stacks and have pored over innumerable probate records. As often as not, I wound up getting to know the people I researched. There is a definite pattern: Families with something to compete or fight over after the death of the patriarch or matriarch have problems. There are exceptions, of course, but nothing tries family ties like money.
Why haven't you gotten the proper authorities involved in this?
I called Social Services, my Mother denies anything is going on. Who else would you like me to call? The reality is that once you make someone an executor and a trustee, there is no one watching over them. I have tried to keep in contact with my Mother AND in contact with a friend of hers who knew what Bud was up to and she kept me informed. However my brother seemed to KNOW she saw through him and he forbid her to see Mom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy
Unless he's doing something illegal with the money, the executor of the estate has, well, executive powers.
I spent a lot of time in my 20's going through clerk's stacks and have pored over innumerable probate records. As often as not, I wound up getting to know the people I researched. There is a definite pattern: Families with something to compete or fight over after the death of the patriarch or matriarch have problems. There are exceptions, of course, but nothing tries family ties like money.
The laws are only now changing in Texas to give people in my position (a beneficiary of the trust) more power to moniter what the trustee is doing. BUT it still falls to the powers of the civil court, not the criminal. AND you have to have alot of money to bring a civil case. As it was my brother did all he could to throw up road blocks to drag this lawsuit out until now, I think its been like 3 years. He has gone through three attorneys.
I called Social Services, my Mother denies anything is going on. Who else would you like me to call? The reality is that once you make someone an executor and a trustee, there is no one watching over them.
Hopefully you have a copy of the trust instrument. If you do not, get one. I would be very surprised if, by the terms of the trust, a beneficiary were not able to demand an accounting from the trustee. A trustee has a fiduciary duty to admininster the trust according to the terms of the trust... yes, sometimes, that gives him complete discretion. But you really need to get your own attorney involved to challenge whether he has upheld his fiduciary responsibility. And NEITHER of you should be able to charge the trust for legal fees attendant to this action. In fact, the trust probably has some provision for succession of trustees. If you don't take legal action, then you're just going to continue to feel victimized.... a trust beneficiary has every right to ensure the trustee is living up to his fiduciary duty. And don't just believe what some meathead like me or any other ******* you meet elsewhere has to say... talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law, as they should be fairly conversant on the rights of people like yourself in this situation. Hope this can work out for you!
Hopefully you have a copy of the trust instrument. If you do not, get one. I would be very surprised if, by the terms of the trust, a beneficiary were not able to demand an accounting from the trustee. A trustee has a fiduciary duty to admininster the trust according to the terms of the trust... yes, sometimes, that gives him complete discretion. But you really need to get your own attorney involved to challenge whether he has upheld his fiduciary responsibility. And NEITHER of you should be able to charge the trust for legal fees attendant to this action. In fact, the trust probably has some provision for succession of trustees. If you don't take legal action, then you're just going to continue to feel victimized.... a trust beneficiary has every right to ensure the trustee is living up to his fiduciary duty. And don't just believe what some meathead like me or any other ******* you meet elsewhere has to say... talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law, as they should be fairly conversant on the rights of people like yourself in this situation. Hope this can work out for you!
Thats exactly what is going on now. The lawsuit my sister has brought has taken a quarter of a million of her money AND 3 years to get to this point. They are about to sign a mediation agreement but the reality is the bulk of the estate is gone, either out of the country or spent on him. He will at this point not inherit anything further if there is something left over. I have my house which was signed over to me and I retain that. Its just too bad the lawsuit wasn't started earlier before he got as far as he did.
I can relate. It's not my mom but my grandmother. My grandmother had two children. My Dad and my Aunt. The last 20 yrs or so have been pretty rocky as far as the relationship has been with the three of them. My Dad was pretty much the black sheep of the family. After my step-grandfather died my Aunt and her daughter conspired to have my father cut out of my grandmother's will. There weren't millions but there are potentially hundreds of thousands. My dad had no idea this was happening. But my Aunt died unexpectedly! So my Dad was the next in line...so he thought....and went with my grandmother to see a lawyer about her finances. He wasn't after money....he didn't think there was any to speak of really. My grandmother lived very poorly....very very poorly. She is a typical survivor of the great depression. So in the process of investigating her finances he sees she has all this money in cash stashed away. And then it comes out that he's been cut out of the will and the only benificiaries are my cousin and her son.
Now. My cousin....she's well....she's a b. She's proven her title to me over the last 30 years. She was married to this guy that we all got along with and thought the world of. Things started not going her way (not enough money to spend) and she divorced him. After the fact started telling everybody that he did drugs and gave him an all-round bad rap. I personally think it was all a lie. But anyway....she took him to the cleaners. I think she made well over $100k off of the divorce in cash. Then when her mom died she inherited a $125k(?) house and another $250k in cash roughly. Then remarried to this guy we knew (great guy) and told him absolutely nothing of all this money she has stashed away. In this marraige she practically destroyed his credit and put him in the poor house....all the while she's got hundreds of thousands just sitting there. Ok now you know what kind of person we're dealing with here.
My Dad sits down with my grandmother and her lawyer and talks with her about how she will be taken care of over the remainder of her life. She was about 85 at the time. They discussed everything from nursing homes to having her move in with my Dad and Mom so they could help her with her health issues (bad hip which later had to be replaced as well as typical elderly health issues) in the event that she would become unable to care for herself. I think my grandmother realized at some point in there that my Dad and Mom were the last people left who would make sure that everything was going to be taken care of and that my cousin wasn't fit for the job (they also informed her of my cousin's greedy ways). So she flip flopped. Now everything is under control. My grandma will be able to have a secure future, people to take care of her and a financial plan in the event that she should have to enter a nursing home.
But this wasn't the end of my cousin. No no no. See she used to work for a bank a few years back. Well she got a job as a loan officer at a branch of the bank where my grandmother had her money. She imbezzled money directly from my grandmothers account (fortunately not all of it as we had most of it converted to CD's for safe keeping)!!!! Then she took advantage of my grandmother by asking her to sign a letter of permission to do it. So she legally took money from my grandmother. My dad found out about it because he was paying her bills and was reviewing her acct balance. We all discussed this with my grandmother and I think she was just too proud to admit that she had been taken advantage of. But anyway my cousin is now black balled. We also got her fired from her bank (would you trust your money to someone who would do this?). No money has been paid back as of today.
All the while when I was growing up I was taught that the worst thing you could possibly do in your life was run over your grandmother to get what you wanted. I just never thought I actually had people in my family like that. Now I know. She's going to get hers one of these days.
Talk to the people you love and make sure everything is covered correctly in the event of death.
What a really sad situation, it sounds draining and disheartening on so many levels. I appreciate your willingness to share this with people because it can possibly alert people in potentially similar situations to be aware and alert to how the "best of intentions" can be taken advantage of.
I have tried to be honest with my own 3 children about how NOT to get taken advantage of. It is a hairy situation to walk through with them. Their dad (who is worth literally millions) has had no qualms when they were growing up about cashing and keeping their birthday gifts for himself (yes, folks, we're talking the $10 and $20 checks that grandma and grandpa sent them). As teens when they had their first job likewise he kept their hard-earned paper route money for himself.
I wanted the boys protected but I also did not want to sound like i was just bad-mouthing their father. He is their father and they have a relationship with him. But I wanted them to know what was going on, not so they would hate him, but to protect their assets both then as a kid, and later as they grew into adults with considerable earning power.
So I recognized that I could not change their dad, but i could give the boys tools to protect their own finances. I took them to the bank even when they were kids, opened their own accounts so they could sign and deposit their own checks, taught them how to balance a checkbook and drove them to the bank when they needed it (this was before they could drive).
Also their dad "hid from them" money, land, investments, and stock that their (very wealthy) grandparents had already begun giving to them (to avoid inheritance taxes they for 30 years have been distributing assets to the grandkids). Or he would tell the boys they had "$1000 and let's play the stock market" and he would use their money to play the stock market and of course lose, and then blame them (they were about 14 at the time) when the money was gone for not "picking the right stocks."
It is utterly sickening to me and horrifying, especially since this man their father has millions of dollars of his own, his family is rolling in dough and so is he. To me it is something absolutely pathological and destructive.
So as the boys are now in their 20s I've talked to them frankly about protecting their money and that their dad will try to take money from them, and that their money is for THEM not for him, as he has plenty of his own. Put bluntly they are old enough now that I can say "Please do not trust your father when it comes to money." It is to me utterly INSANE but that is the reality of the situation. Sick, sick, sick. My eldest son at 23 (who already earns a fine income of his own and is entirely self-supporting) is researching how to find the hidden assets that belong to him, and i wish him well in that endeavor. To me someone can blow their own money, that's their business, but to steal from family members (your own kids!!!!!) crosses a whole other line.
Oh, he also had them buy family groceries when they were teens old enough to drive, pay with their own money, and then he'd "forget" to pay them back. It put them in the insane and humiliating position of having to "beg" to be paid for the family food. Remember: this man earns over $200,000 a year and his assets are in the millions of $.
Thank you Lindsey. It really is heartbreaking when family members take advantage of a situation like the one you describe. I'd like to say money brings out the worst in people, but i think these people are crazy and sick to begin with, and they just have more room to do more damage when large sums of money are concerned.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 06-03-2008 at 09:28 AM..
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