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My significant other and I have been together for many years. We just moved into a house together 3 months ago. His mother passed away 6 months ago from cancer so he's grieving. His behavior towards me changed afterwards. When we moved, it got even worse.
A few weeks ago, the last fight we had was about him cursing at me because I needed pain medicine. I asked him to get my medicine. While I was writhing in pain he was yelling at me and cursing saying "you should've kept the medicine next to you! Damn! Just wait a minute let me get up". He did go and get it and bring it to me but I was beyond hurt by his attitude and felt like that was way too selfish for comfort.
I said "what if someone treated your mother like that if she was in pain and they spoke to her the way you spoke to me?" He took major offense and threatened me, saying not to ever talk about his mother. He put his fingers in my face, made me feel like he was going to hit me, raised his voice, saying I could never be anything like or close to his mother to even mention her. He went on about how I'm disrespecting him by bringing up his mother. All I said was how would you feel if your mother was treated the same way you treat me, so I didnt say anything disrespecting his mother.
I put his belongings out of the bedroom that night after he ignored me when I was asking him what I did so wrong to him that made him hate me and treat me badly. He ignored me, turned his back & went to the basement when I was talking to him. He's been sleeping in the basement in his recliner chair ever since for the last 3 weeks.
He apologized the next day & brought me flowers, but after that we stopped speaking. His apology was "we said a lot of things last night that we didn't mean and I said things I didnt mean, so I apologize and I need to work on my communication. I'm sorry." I said "I'm sorry too". He walked away, I put up the flowers, and that was it. Since we stopped speaking, the arguments stopped so the house has been quiet ever since.
Last night he asked me how I feel. I said "sad because this isn't panning out out way I thought it would before we moved in together". I told him how he's been treating me since his mom passed is wrong and hurtful to me and that he changed. I asked if he considered getting therapy to help with grief because he's lashing out at me; that isn't fair to me.
He said he feels hurt that I never apologized for bringing up his mother during an argument. I said "I shouldn't have brought her up since you're still grieving and sensitive to even saying 'your mother,' but I didn't say anything about your mother, I just wanted you to see a different perspective of how you treat me, if your mother was being treated that way".
I don't think I need to apologize because I didn't say anything wrong; I'm the one who was being disrespected. Am I wrong for not apologizing for it?
As you didn't live together before his mother died, consider that this may be what it's going to be like living with him. Was he living with and taking care of his mother before she died? Maybe he doesn't want to take care of anyone else and your request for him to get your pills pushed him over his limit at the time. People grieve differently. It may take him longer than some. His mood and behavior might not even be related and grieving is just his excuse.
It wouldn't have hurt you to apologize. I don't think you said anything horrible, but if it hurt his feelings, then it hurt his feelings. Staying in the basement for three weeks seems excessive, but we aren't getting to hear his side of things. He might put a different spin on things than you.
My question to you is ..... Is not apologizing, whether you think you need to or not, getting you anywhere? Maybe you need to go to couples counseling. Maybe you should move out unless the two of you purchased this house together. Is this by any chance his mother's house? I don't think you can count on him changing. Do you want to continue living like this? Maybe you would both be better off living apart.
You can always say you are sorry for hurting him. It wasn’t intentional.
That being said, you always need to stand up for yourself. Most of the time, it’s better to wait till things cool down a bit. I’d have second thoughts, too. He might not be a good match.
Sorry, but I think the relationship is a bad one. There is no way I would put up with anyone treating me like that (cursing at me), and I don't care if he is suffering or feeling guilt or whatever. If someone puts up with that kind of treatment from anyone, they are telling them that this is okay.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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It comes down to do you want to be right or do you want to stay in this relationship? You said something you were capable of knowing would push his buttons. Of course, if you want to maintain the relationship, apologize for it.
IME, an apology, whether technically necessary or not is seldom wasted. It is an indication that you noticed there's another person in the room, you know that person has feelings, and that you care about them. People get so hung up on keeping score: who's right, who's wrong, the picayune details. Even if everyone involved might survive without one, an apology can be a catalyst. Breaking down the dam that allows a discussion that's long overdue.
Sorry, but I think the relationship is a bad one. There is no way I would put up with anyone treating me like that (cursing at me), and I don't care if he is suffering or feeling guilt or whatever. If someone puts up with that kind of treatment from anyone, they are telling them that this is okay.
NO, such behavior is not okay!
Totally agree with you. You're supposed to lean on your significant other during these sorts of times, not lash out at them and treat them like a punching bag. It's six months later. The OP said his behavior changed and got "worse" after they moved in together 3 months ago. That means it was not great before. So as time passes, he's not coming to terms with the grief but instead is carrying raw rage that he's not reeling in or getting help to do that.
The OP did not insult his mother. She brought up a situation to try to get him to see how badly he was treating her and how wrong that is. The OP was in physical pain at that point to the point that she needed medication. And her adult partner chose to have a rageful outburst and said very hurtful things to her. While she was in pain.
Saying "We both said things..." is a bogus apology that aims to take the other person down with you. It's bush league. I'm not unsympathetic to the loss of a parent as I've been through it, but his anger getting worse is pretty concerning.
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