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Yes I do too! It does worry me somewhat - both of us come from divorced parents, so I know that not everything always lasts forever. Maybe that will make us try harder though? I certainly hope so!
Quite possibly so. My fiance's parents are still together. My parents however were divorced but I was too young to see any issues, I just know the affect on children. Both my fiance and I are divorced though after 16 year relationships. Sometimes having that experience, either being divorced yourself or coming from divorced parents can help because we see or know what works and what does not work. We are also a bit more cautious going into marriage and who we choose as a marriage partner.
Trying hard to make it work though is what counts because marriage does take effort and work. As long as both parties are commited to each other and willing to put that effort and work in, they should be able to make it.
well mountaingrl75,
you have just described the perfect man, i am so sorry tht you are having problems. i can see you really do love him.
my DH:
he can fix almost anything in and around the house--very handy, builds things, even toys for our son. we have not had to pay a professional in years.
lots of computer knowledge. even if he cant fix it, he understands what's wrong and knows what is needed to fix it.
he will cook and or clean if he sees that for some reason i am having trouble or not feeling well.
he takes amazing care of our son, and was even his full time caregiver while also working nights during the baby's first year.
he is up for anything. if i tell him that i want to go out, or planning a trip, he is up for driving and seeing new things. he rarely says he doesnt feel like it.
he has a good sense of humor--which we all need to get by in this life.
he has few vices--although i wish he would stop smoking. he did fr 2 yrs while i was pregnant and until the baby was over a yr old. (doesnt smoke in the house)
all of you guys are pretty great and your spouses are lucky that they have someone who appreciates them.
i'm up earlier than usual because i felt my husband pull the blanket over me and kiss my forehead before he left for work. i got up when i heard the door shut and he had left me my 2 cups of coffee in the maker (just like he used to before we started fighting). i guess he's making an effort.
well, unfortunately most of all his good intentions are aimed at friends and strangers. maybe by default, being the closest to him i get the leftovers.
What kind of job does he have right now? My wife and I have had this problem a lot... we both work, but I love what I do and she hates what she does (daycare teacher)... very frequently she will come home from work and be totally exhausted from dealing with misbehaving 3-year-olds all day... and then I wind up with the leftovers. She talks about how hard she works and I believe it... but I respond by telling her that no amount of money is worth damaging our marriage, and that if she has nothing left for me when she gets home, she needs to lay off of the throttle at work and not put forth so much effort, such that she has something left for me when she gets home. Your husband may be doing the same thing... you said that despite how he's had jobs he hated, he never called in sick or showed up late or whatever... my wife is very similar, except that she will call in sick sometimes. (Hey, she won't be working there past this school year, so if she can use up her sick days and get paid for staying home, why not call in sick just for a little headache? ) She feels duty-bound to go to work even when the situation really sucks... and the effects are understandable. If your husband is in such a job situation, you have to encourage him to get out of it. I doubt that he would be happy with a lot of money and a miserable marriage... or being alone and divorced. I've told my wife that I'd rather live in a trailer without two pennies to rub together, and have a blissfully happy marriage, than to live in a mansion with millions of dollars in the bank and a crappy marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl75
he comes home, goes straight to the t.v. and stays there until a lot of times he falls asleep. he gives my daughter and i a very small amount of his attention and huffs and puffs whenever we ask anything of him.
My wife does much the same after a bad day at work, except for how we don't have cable TV. She'll come home, we'll eat dinner, and then frequently she'll sit at the computer for a while... then get in bed and go to sleep. It has nothing to do with me... it has to do with her being mentally exhausted from work. She acts much differently on weekends and during breaks from school. (For example... she absolutely despises waking up in the morning to go to work... if I didn't practically kick her out of bed, she'd play the snooze button game five times. However, this past weekend we were in Texas for a job fair... we woke up at 2:15 AM one morning, after 5 1/2 hours of sleep, to catch a plane... that alarm buzzed and she was right out of bed without batting an eye. She likes getting up to TRAVEL... just not to work at a job she hates.) Never underestimate the effects that a crappy job can have on a person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl75
he has given me NOTHING for 8 out of 8 wedding anniversaries, very little for other holidays or birthdays.
Did he give you gifts BEFORE you got married? Does he know that it really means a lot to you to receive a gift?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl75
we've never had very many intimate or romantic moments mo matter how much i've begged. his excuse is that he works hard, provides for us shouldn't be expected of much more.
That's most likely a cover, for the fact that he despises his job. The more he hates his job, the more he will feel that he is going many extra miles to provide for his family and keep y'all happy by staying at that job. He may feel like he is sacrificing out the ying-yang, and getting very little in return... whereas you see that he's gone for ten hours a day five days a week working, like any other husband... and he doesn't like his job, like any other husband. Shadow him at work someday if you want to see what his work life is like. He may feel that you shouldn't expect more of him because he gives his all at work and he has nothing left when he gets home due to the conditions of his job. He may feel that he's stuck at this job, because y'all wouldn't have enough money if he quit and he doesn't know if he could get a similar-paying job where you live. That's where my wife is right now... luckily she only has three more days of work at this awful job, but where we live, there are VERY FEW well-paying jobs. She couldn't just leave her job and walk easily into another job which paid more than like 8 bucks an hour.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl75
he doesn't so much hug me as hug me back and not so much 'i love you' as ' i love you too'. all that i can handle.
At least he says it. If he rarely initiates it, though, ask him if he really does love you and what he truly means when he says "I love you". That may open your eyes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl75
but the dealbreaker is mainly his dishonesty. he has trouble telling the truth no matter if you present him with the evidence or not. lately, he comes home very late on fridays when he gets paid. it started with "just cashing his check" at a local casino to now i can't get him on his cell and he'll come walking in late at night, sometimes intoxicated and act as if i ave no right to " hound him" about where he's been, how much $ he lost etc.. one saturday, he left the house at 2pm to turn in recycling and didn't come home until 2am. so after pleading with him to take a break from the casino, he flat out refuses. what am i to do? i sit at the window for hours on end wondering if he is sitting at a poker table, flirting with women or arrested for drunk driving etc...
how could i ever really know what he's doing when he's so dishonest?
i'm sick about it.
Is he dishonest about a lot, or just about what he does on Fridays and Saturdays? Again, I don't know you guys, but chances are he is seeking entertainment on the weekends to break the monotony and drudgery which defines his life. If he works hard at a job he hates and he thinks that you're just on his back about this and that all the time, eventually he will get to the point where he's going to go out and have some fun without being around you. I don't gamble, but a lot of people gamble because it gives them a rush. A lot of people drink for the rush they get, and the feeling of detachment from harsh reality that they get, while they're drunk.
You may not want to hear this, but it is the truth. If you want him to stop gambling and drinking, sit him down and ask him what YOU can do to be a better wife for him. That may be what he wants. You may think you're doing everything you could be doing... well, you're not, because if you were, he wouldn't seek entertainment "lately" outside of the marriage. He may think he's doing everything he could be doing... well, he isn't, because if he was, your marriage wouldn't be going down the tubes. Each of you probably feels like you're doing more than the other, and you're being treated unfairly. Talk it out... you may be amazed at what the underlying reasons are for what's happening between you.
By the way, your move to NC may help things. I know that my wife and I have had more than our share of problems due to financial issues this year... we made the ostensibly terrible mistake of moving to what I call the "economic armpit of America"... and so, we're buried in debt and not getting out anytime soon. That's frustrating and stressful... especially to my wife, who knows she's basically stuck at an awful job because if she quit, we'd go under and that's the truth. However... we're moving to Texas this summer for better opportunity. I nailed a job down there which will be paying more than the two of us are combining to earn right now... and since it's a teaching job, I'll only be working 3/4 of a year. She'll probably have a job offer this week or next week. Never underestimate the power of doing WHATEVER you can to improve your situation... even if it's scary at first.
Mine...
1. super smart and hard worker
2. kindess to a fault
3. patience
4. handy and can fix and build everything.
5. he's very touchy-feely and romantic
6. fun, just funny and fun to be around
7. he dresses nicely and appropriately for any situation
8. always supportive of me and game for any goofy idea I have.
9. he puts up with ME (LOL)
10. he's just a great guy and everyone who meets him likes him.
There are a lot more.. but you get the idea.. I'm very lucky and know it.
all of you guys are pretty great and your spouses are lucky that they have someone who appreciates them.
i'm up earlier than usual because i felt my husband pull the blanket over me and kiss my forehead before he left for work. i got up when i heard the door shut and he had left me my 2 cups of coffee in the maker (just like he used to before we started fighting). i guess he's making an effort.
That was sweet of him mountaingirl
I know he says he won't do counseling, but I really think even if you did it alone it would be very helpful.
Here's mine for my wife (I better not let her see this list):
1. She creates beauty, life, and happiness everywhere she goes.
2. She is no shrinking violet. In fact she can be quite formidable. I think she married me because I'm the only man on the planet who is not afraid of her.
3. Her hospitality and generosity to others is seemingly inexhaustible.
4. She does extraordinary things in the raising of our children.
5. She has been a constant, steadying force during some rough patches in my life.
6. She judges people on their character, not the car they drive, or the zip code they call home. That explains why she has friends from all walks of life.
7. She is unafraid to puncture me when I'm being pompous.
8. She is a maniac in bed. A total freak show.
9. She has tolerated me for 17 years.
10. She laughs at my jokes.
11. She gets me.
1. He is honest.
2. He is a hard worker.
3. He has an easy smile.
4. He is an excellent father, husband, son and friend.
5. He is philanthropic.
6. He is patient.
7. He is kind.
8. He is funny.
9. He is generous.
10. He loves to have fun.
Here's mine for my wife (I better not let her see this list):
1. She creates beauty, life, and happiness everywhere she goes.
2. She is no shrinking violet. In fact she can be quite formidable. I think she married me because I'm the only man on the planet who is not afraid of her.
3. Her hospitality and generosity to others is seemingly inexhaustible.
4. She does extraordinary things in the raising of our children.
5. She has been a constant, steadying force during some rough patches in my life.
6. She judges people on their character, not the car they drive, or the zip code they call home. That explains why she has friends from all walks of life.
7. She is unafraid to puncture me when I'm being pompous.
8. She is a maniac in bed. A total freak show.
9. She has tolerated me for 17 years.
10. She laughs at my jokes.
11. She gets me.
Out of reps, but it's good to hear from one of the few men who appear to be happy with their wives.
all of you guys are pretty great and your spouses are lucky that they have someone who appreciates them.
i'm up earlier than usual because i felt my husband pull the blanket over me and kiss my forehead before he left for work. i got up when i heard the door shut and he had left me my 2 cups of coffee in the maker (just like he used to before we started fighting). i guess he's making an effort.
Sounds sweet!
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) She feels duty-bound to go to work even when the situation really sucks... and the effects are understandable. If your husband is in such a job situation, you have to encourage him to get out of it. I doubt that he would be happy with a lot of money and a miserable marriage... or being alone and divorced. I've told my wife that I'd rather live in a trailer without two pennies to rub together, and have a blissfully happy marriage, than to live in a mansion with millions of dollars in the bank and a crappy marriage.
