My partner’s words hurt me deeply (guy, love, older)
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We were driving with our toddler in backseat, when a car started accelerating behind us almost pushing us off the road. And it was an older “lady” driving it. Then the other day, we were in a hurry as it was close to my toddlers lunch and nap time. Bmw in front of us didnt see the light turned green as she was on her phone. So we waited but then after maybe 5-7 seconds we had to politely honk (soft honk) for her to move. She lost it, she was giving us all hand gestures and as we were driving by she glared at us. I got upset, I got really angry, I had enough. Like the audacity this person has. So I said “i want to take her head and smash it on the headboard until she learns to be a decent human being (I am also going through a lot of work stress currently where everyone seems to be there to make themselves feel better by making other peoples lives hell).
The next day, my partner and I got into an argument and he tells me “you wanted to smash that lady’s head for driving bmw.” i was shocked. It has nothing to do with the car. It had everything to do with entitlement and audacity and people in general being lame humans these days. When i called him out, he retracted and said he meant “for her attitude and behavior.” Then he said it is not normal to have these violent thoughts. But he does this a lot where he almost purposely says something slightly different to make me look like a bad guy and the other person innocent victim who didn't do anything. To be clear, I am not a violent person and I would never hurt anybody. Those words were said in anger, frustration, fear (as we had our child with us when someone almost pushed us off the road) and i said it to emphasize how angry and fed up I am.
Then he said that I am unhappy bc i am not who i want to be. When i asked to clarify he said I am not happy with my work because I always wanted to study something else. And it is somewhat true. When choosing what to study, I opted for this option that gave me a lot of flexibility, lots of job offers and i can choose my schedule and where to work. I am also in doctorate program which will allow me to have different (better) responsibilities and less stress (I also think I will love this kind of work). Until i graduate, I don’t mind what i do, but I don’t love the work itself. It was a decision I consciously made. Also, i had no money to study this other major bc it would have required me to stop working and I wouldn’t have been able to afford it at the time. Also, entry level jobs are hard to find and would have most likely involved relocation which terrified me at that time. For all these reasons, I chose to get my degree in something I wasn’t as interested in but was safer options and has opportunities for advancement which also means different job responsibilities which I know I am interested in and will love.
I cant understand how someone can be agreeing with me all along only to call me out the next day. Or pretend to understand my circumstances at the time I picked my major and then say these mean words. I feel like this relationship is doomed.
Which words "hurt you deeply"? That he was angry at you for saying you wanted to smash the driver's head? He should be angry as you saying that was a complete over reaction on your part.
Or was it him saying you seem sad because you aren't doing what you really want to do for a career? Because you also agree this is true.
So, not sure what was said that "hurts you deeply"?
Not in a accusatory way, but share your feelings, thoughts, and vulnerabilities for your partner if you are up to doing that. That will help both of you be closer to each other and soul mates down life's journey. It's typically not a super easy straight forward path for most of us.
There are tough choices to make in careers and lots of directions to go. DH and I went into fields that gave us good paying jobs, some security, and were a half way reasonable fit to talents/interests but weren't passions for us. Neither or us figured out a different path than that. DH is retired and I am still working now. I think it's a compromise a lot of us make.
Not in a accusatory way, but share your feelings, thoughts, and vulnerabilities for your partner if you are up to doing that. That will help both of you be closer to each other and soul mates down life's journey. It's typically not a super easy straight forward path for most of us.
There are tough choices to make in careers and lots of directions to go. DH and I went into fields that gave us good paying jobs, some security, and were a half way reasonable fit to talents/interests but weren't passions for us. Neither or us figured out a different path than that. DH is retired and I am still working now. I think it's a compromise a lot of us make.
Exactly. And the job I have now is very secure and not going anywhere even in recession. I do not regret it at all. I am just looking forward to graduating and doing what I like. This job was a necessary stepping stone that also pays well and is extremely flexible (also pays for my graduate school). So to use it as ammunition against me, and call me out on being miserable because I am not what I want to be is just cruel.
Which words "hurt you deeply"? That he was angry at you for saying you wanted to smash the driver's head? He should be angry as you saying that was a complete over reaction on your part.
Or was it him saying you seem sad because you aren't doing what you really want to do for a career? Because you also agree this is true.
So, not sure what was said that "hurts you deeply"?
At least one of these drivers endangered our kid safety. She was behind us and accelerated and pushed us into the lane that was right turn only. It was a very scary situation. Idk if she was trying to show off her big car or if it was middle age crisis but totally unnecessary. So me wanting to smash these peoples’ head is not overreaction. But again I dodnt mean it literally just the amount of anger it caused in me.
Bmw in front of us didnt see the light turned green as she was on her phone. So we waited but then after maybe 5-7 seconds we had to politely honk (soft honk) for her to move. She lost it, she was giving us all hand gestures and as we were driving by she glared at us. I got upset, I got really angry, I had enough. Like the audacity this person has. So I said “i want to take her head and smash it on the headboard until she learns to be a decent human being
Why does it matter that the car was a BMW? You mention that again (showing off car).
The type of car is irrelevant. Someone was on their phone and didn't pull out on green.
She was rude with the hand gestures and glaring. But you completely overreacted to that.
The audacity? Really? You need to ignore hand gestures and glaring coming from someone like that.
Saying aloud “i want to take her head and smash it on the headboard until she learns to be a decent human being" is not what a decent human being would say in front of her child. What do you think that teaches them?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citiegirl
me wanting to smash these peoples’ head is not overreaction.
Oh, yes, yes it is. Sounds like you have too much road rage to be driving.
Why does it matter that the car was a BMW? You mention that again (showing off car).
The type of car is irrelevant. Someone was on their phone and didn't pull out on green.
She was rude with the hand gestures and glaring. But you completely overreacted to that.
The audacity? Really? You need to ignore hand gestures and glaring coming from someone like that.
Saying aloud “i want to take her head and smash it on the headboard until she learns to be a decent human being" is not what a decent human being would say in front of her child. What do you think that teaches them?
Oh, yes, yes it is. Sounds like you have too much road rage to be driving.
You chose to ignore where the same type of car pushed us off the road with 2 year old in the car. So yes i said these people, sick and tired of “these people.” Not the same situation, but endangering my child, then another one threatening and showing different gestures is pretty infuriating. And my partner was agreeing until he chose to use it as ammunition against me.
And saying i am jealous because of the car… if that is how little he thinks of me, than great, I guess we are done.
You’re being way too sensitive. You’re going to throw away your relationship with your child’s father just because he called you out for repeatedly overreacting. I think you must be trying to shed any accountability for your behavior.
Every person who is part of a couple will say something wrong. What you said was wrong. What he said was wrong. Roll with it. Have an adult conversation about the situation.
As for your job, course of study, and dissatisfaction; only you can control how you react. Time to get a grip and stop blaming everything for your misery. If you can’t handle stress now, wait till you get a real job.
My car cost literally more than bmw but is older and paid off. If I wanted a bmw, I could easily afford one. But not my dream car. Also, I am far from loving luxury or material things and he knows it. When we met, he was a server, I was making six figures (with the said flexible job). He knows it all but chooses to be hurtful on purpose.
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