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Someone who cheats has already left the relationship. I guarantee you that a husband who cheats on his wife is not imagining her naked while he's doing the nasty with the other woman. Andrea was right- cheating never happens by accident. It is the SYMPTOM, not the PROBLEM... there is some other problem which causes the cheating partner to seek from outside of the relationship that which should've existed within. Nobody cheats just to boost their ego... they cheat because their needs aren't being met. If someone would cheat WITHOUT trying to get his/her needs met by his/her spouse, then not only is that person going to cheat again but he/she also didn't care enough about his/her spouse to try and get said spouse to fulfull said needs. If someone would cheat AFTER trying to get his/her spouse to meet said needs, then the relationship is just doomed... because the spouse didn't try hard enough to meet those needs, and the cheater thought that it was acceptable to cheat on account of that.
From a Christian perspective, usually you have to forgive and forget. So often, people will stay in a bad marriage because "we got married before God and I have to honor that as God would"... but... God is very logical. He knows what's up. Cheating is revered as the most vile sin in marriage... the only acceptable grounds for divorce. God hates divorce, but translating His words into modern vernacular yields: "I hate divorce but infidelity is such a vile sin that a spouse who has been cheated on may seek divorce with my blessing."
The moral of the story is: NO, a cheater should never be taken back. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Such a person is lower than dog crap and deserves to be treated as such.
I couldn't, wouldn't and haven't. Once a cheater, always a cheater....and it probably wasn't the first time...anyone who cheats on their spouse is the lowest form of slime....they cannot be trusted, they cannot be trusted with your heart....they are insecure and most assuridly for themselves, don't care about the people's lives they hurt or ruin.
Sorry, I have not even the slightest affection or compassion for someone who cheats...and even less for those who cheat with them....
Been there, experienced that...
I am very sorry for how hurt you were when someone cheated on you
However, I hear this expression repeated A LOT and I just do not agree that "once a cheater always a cheater".
Maybe that is true in many cases, but I know a few where it really is not. I believe if a person has cheated, but then realized with horror and regret what they have done, they can get some help and get back on the right track in life. People who cheat have psychological issues that need to be dealt with. If they face that and get some help, life can be better than ever before. Talking in absolutes and assigning this fate of "once a cheater always a cheater" to every single person who has made this horrible mistake is just not 100% accurate.
If they "love" you and still cheat on you, it's in their nature to cheat. They also have demonstrated they don't care if they hurt you. Not someone I'd stay with.
Once a cheater always a cheater. The first time you break a taboo is the hard time. It will get easier from there.
Someone who cheats has already left the relationship. I guarantee you that a husband who cheats on his wife is not imagining her naked while he's doing the nasty with the other woman. Andrea was right- cheating never happens by accident. It is the SYMPTOM, not the PROBLEM... there is some other problem which causes the cheating partner to seek from outside of the relationship that which should've existed within. Nobody cheats just to boost their ego... they cheat because their needs aren't being met. If someone would cheat WITHOUT trying to get his/her needs met by his/her spouse, then not only is that person going to cheat again but he/she also didn't care enough about his/her spouse to try and get said spouse to fulfull said needs. If someone would cheat AFTER trying to get his/her spouse to meet said needs, then the relationship is just doomed... because the spouse didn't try hard enough to meet those needs, and the cheater thought that it was acceptable to cheat on account of that.
From a Christian perspective, usually you have to forgive and forget. So often, people will stay in a bad marriage because "we got married before God and I have to honor that as God would"... but... God is very logical. He knows what's up. Cheating is revered as the most vile sin in marriage... the only acceptable grounds for divorce. God hates divorce, but translating His words into modern vernacular yields: "I hate divorce but infidelity is such a vile sin that a spouse who has been cheated on may seek divorce with my blessing."
The moral of the story is: NO, a cheater should never be taken back. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Such a person is lower than dog crap and deserves to be treated as such.
I disagree on one thing. Saying they cheat because their needs are not being met is a cop out. If a relationship is not meeting your needs, either you fix it or you leave. You don't cheat. Only cheaters cheat. Saying people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet their needs places the blame elsewhere but blame belongs squarely on the cheater's shoulders.
Cheating isn't an indication something is wrong with your relationship. It's an indication something is wrong with you. My marriage failed to meet my needs for years. Didn't cheat. It's not in my nature. I would never hurt someone else like that beause I felt unfullfllled. I'm sure my marriage didn't meet my husband's needs for years too (evidenced by trying to crawl into a beer bottle) but he didn't cheat either (well, at least not while we were living together. He doesn't consider dating after he left cheating but I do).
It is an absolute cop out to say that people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet thier needs. That's just an excuse. The nature of relationships is that, sooner or later, you very likely will find yourself in a situation where your relationship doesn't meet your needs. That is not an excuse to cheat. It's reason to work on your relationship and if it can't be fixed, reason to leave it but never reason to cheat. There is no excuse for hurting another person like that. It's an indication that you have issues and don't care who you hurt. I don't care what someone else does to you, if you choose to drop your drawers and play with things you shouldn't, you do that all by yourself. No one is to blame but you.
"Sorry, I have not even the slightest affection or compassion for someone who cheats...and even less for those who cheat with them...."
Why less for the person who cheats with them? Are they more to blame? I would think you'd blame the person who actually took the vow saying he wouldn't cheat more than the person he cheated with. She didn't take a vow not to cheat on you. He did (he and she can be reversed here as they fit).
I've never understood the logic of blaming the other person when your spouse is the one who broke a vow. I would blame my spouse more. I don't think for one second the other person has some magic power to lead him astray. If he strays, he does it all by himself. If it weren't her, it would be someone else. That he broke a vow would be what mattered to me.
FTR, I had an ex fiance cheat on me. I was an idiot. I took him back the first time. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I am very sorry for how hurt you were when someone cheated on you
However, I hear this expression repeated A LOT and I just do not agree that "once a cheater always a cheater".
Maybe that is true in many cases, but I know a few where it really is not. I believe if a person has cheated, but then realized with horror and regret what they have done, they can get some help and get back on the right track in life. People who cheat have psychological issues that need to be dealt with. If they face that and get some help, life can be better than ever before. Talking in absolutes and assigning this fate of "once a cheater always a cheater" to every single person who has made this horrible mistake is just not 100% accurate.
Cheating is evidence that cheating is in your nature. It's much harder to break a taboo the first time. After that, it's easier to do it again.
I disagree on one thing. Saying they cheat because their needs are not being met is a cop out. If a relationship is not meeting your needs, either you fix it or you leave. You don't cheat. Only cheaters cheat. Saying people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet their needs places the blame elsewhere but blame belongs squarely on the cheater's shoulders.
I agree that only cheaters cheat, and I agree that in most cases the person whose needs aren't being met should fix the problem or leave. I never said that cheating was "acceptable" in a situation where needs aren't being met. I merely stated that that is why cheaters cheat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Cheating isn't an indication something is wrong with your relationship. It's an indication something is wrong with you.
It is both, actually.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
My marriage failed to meet my needs for years. Didn't cheat. It's not in my nature. I would never hurt someone else like that beause I felt unfullfllled. I'm sure my marriage didn't meet my husband's needs for years too (evidenced by trying to crawl into a beer bottle) but he didn't cheat either.
It is an absolute cop out to say that people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet thier needs. That's just an excuse.
Cop-out, yes. Excuse, yes. TRUE, yes. The cheater should've made more effort to fix the problems first... then, if they were not fixable, he/she should have left the relationship. I'll never argue with that. However, some people are just afraid to leave... or for whatever reason, they feel that someone else (their kids, perhaps) will be in a better situation if they stay together than they'd be if a divorce occurred. Cheaters don't cheat intending to get caught... they cheat believing that they'll always be able to keep it on the sly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
The nature of relationships is that, sooner or later, you very likely will find yourself in a situation where your relationship doesn't meet your needs. That is not an excuse to cheat. It's reason to work on your relationship and if it can't be fixed, reason to leave it but never reason to cheat.
I agree completely. However, I'm not a cheater... that could have something to do with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
There is no excuse for hurting another person like that. It's an indication that you have issues and don't care who you hurt.
Most cheaters, as I said before, do not cheat intending to get caught or intending to hurt the other person. They do it on the sly, hoping to keep it away from the other person such that their feelings are shielded but the cheater's unmet needs get met. Cheaters cheat because they feel like they'll be able to get the best of all worlds that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I don't care what someone else does to you, if you choose to drop your drawers and play with things you shouldn't, you do that all by yourself. No one is to blame but you.
Indeed. I've known my share of cheaters in my lifetime... and they all had one thing in common... unmet needs. A friend of mine once cheated on her boyfriend (nothing heavy, just some making out on the side)... I always asked why she didn't just dump her boyfriend and she said it was because he had a lot of great qualities and he was devoted to her... something her low self-esteem really needed. However, he did some jerky things in the beginning of their relationship which always hurt her and though she tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't... for example, he'd complain to high heaven about driving the 25 mile distance to see her... and sometimes he wouldn't see her even when they were both free for a good amount of time, because he didn't feel like driving. That made her feel unwanted... but the truth was that he did want her and she knew this... so she sought that extra feeling of desirability by hooking up with guys on the side. I don't agree that this is right... but through it all, she never wanted to hurt her boyfriend. She hoped he'd come around. Eventually he did... and the funny thing is that she stopped cheating and they got married. I have no idea if she'll ever cheat again... only time will tell... but it is very possible. He never found out that she did, by the way. So, you see, she (like most cheaters) didn't want to hurt her significant other's feelings... she just wasn't willing to suck it up and deal with the relationship as it was until he "came around" or proved to her beyond the point of doubt that he never would. It was definitely her fault... and God only knows how he'd feel if he ever found out that she did that stuff years ago. There is no acceptable excuse for cheating. I'm merely saying that "unmet needs" is the reason why anyone cheats. In the words of Danny Kaye, from the movie "White Christmas": "Well, it's... not GOOD, but it's a reason."
Cheating is evidence that cheating is in your nature. It's much harder to break a taboo the first time. After that, it's easier to do it again.
We will just have to agree to disagree.
Just because somebody makes this mistake once does not mean they are doomed to repeat this behavior forever, IF they get help.
For any cheaters reading this I would like to say, you DO NOT have to believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" mantra - that does not have to be true. I have actually personally known people who have gone down this path, hated themselves for it and gotten help and are living in beautiful relationships now. There is always hope!
Just because somebody makes this mistake once does not mean they are doomed to repeat this behavior forever, IF they get help.
For any cheaters reading this I would like to say, you DO NOT have to believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" mantra - that does not have to be true. I have actually personally known people who have gone down this path, hated themselves for it and gotten help and are living in beautiful relationships now. There is always hope!
It's like losing your virginity. The first time is the one you have to get past. Once you've cheated, you've destroyed your vows. After that, what's cheating?
Someone who cheats is someone who does not care how much they hurt another person. They are dishonest and don't stand by their vows. We're talking character flaws here. That is who they are.
If the losses are great enough from the first destroyed relationship, they may go on to another and manage to keep their desires in check but they are so unlikely to ever be faithful to the person they already cheated on they're not worth keeping around. The first time is the hard time. If you can get past that one, you're an old hat at it.
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