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And you chose to jump the gun and file for divorce which compelled him to start dating.
When a divorce is in the legal pipeline, it's not cheating in the eyes of the law in most, if not every state.
Just about every contributing member of this thread has reasonable explained to you that he did not cheat.
You're ticked off because you feel that you were replaced so quickly. I'm sure he was ticked off at the time because you started divorce proceedings.
The more you say here, the more I think he was right to leave you in the first place. You come across as unreasonable, angry and righteous. You refuse to accept responsibility for your part in what has happened.
The poor guy is in a lose/lose situation.
I think we've all tried our best to help her understand things from a different perspective so that she could actually maybe save her marriage - she doesn't want that kind of help - she wants to be a victim, there's not so much hard work involved in going that route. I will move along now because I believe in the old adage, you can bring a horse to water...
I think we've all tried our best to help her understand things from a different perspective so that she could actually maybe save her marriage - she doesn't want that kind of help - she wants to be a victim, there's not so much hard work involved in going that route. I will move along now because I believe in the old adage, you can bring a horse to water...
What you're not getting is there is no marriage to save. It was either over when I filed, by some of your logic, or over when he chose her by mine and the few who agree with me this was cheating. Either way it's over. The mistake was trying to reconcile when it was over.
I think we've all tried our best to help her understand things from a different perspective so that she could actually maybe save her marriage - she doesn't want that kind of help - she wants to be a victim, there's not so much hard work involved in going that route. I will move along now because I believe in the old adage, you can bring a horse to water...
For the life of me I can't understand why someone would lay out their problems here and ask for opinions- then refuse to acknowledge the validity of them.
I guess some people only want validation of their delusions rather than a dose of the reality that they desperately need.
No need for the ignore feature, Ivorytickler. I won't try to dispel your illusions any longer in this thread.
I hope you succeed in finding people who will tell you how right you are and how wrong your husband is. Sometimes floating down the river of Denial is more pleasant than facing the truth.
You filed for divorce. You are in a seperation while the divorce is ongoing. I guess it depends on your REAL motives for filing. A wake up call, or a true desire to end it. If your true intention was to follow through, why care what he does? But I do notice alot of people filed for the other reason. I don't think alot of people on the other side see it that way.
You filed for divorce. You are in a seperation while the divorce is ongoing. I guess it depends on your REAL motives for filing. A wake up call, or a true desire to end it. If your true intention was to follow through, why care what he does? But I do notice alot of people filed for the other reason. I don't think alot of people on the other side see it that way.
I filed because it was the fastest way to resolve custody issues. I like things spelled out and resolved. Something like custody hanging over my head is more than I can handle. I had a lawyer before he was even packed. This simply was not something I could leave to chance. I'm so pro active with these things that I spent my first retainer calling my lawyer every time some little thing came up I thought might change things (never use your lawyer as a therapist, they're REALLY expensive ). I just can't be in a situation that is out of control without trying to control it. That is me.
My friends all laughed at me. They said I was so busy getting all the ducks in a row it took me three months to figure out, emotionally, that my husband had left me. They were all waiting for the break down and here I was planning everything from finances to schedules to what legal action needed to be taken. My way of dealing with crisis is to take charge. To work to resolve it.
My husband was not thinking straight when he left. He'd been drinking too much (ever heard of dry drunk syndrome?) for a long time. There was no reasoning with him. I knew if I didn't resolve custody right away, I might be in a real fight for my kids and I wanted to make sure he didn't drink around the kids. My county is pro father's rights. If I could not establish that his past drinking was a problem IMMEDIATELY, I would never be able to. My lawyer warned that if I ever so much as one time let him take the kids without proving he was sober, alcohol use would become a non issue in the custody hearing. The court actually tried to say that since I had allowed him to drive the kids to school in the morning during our marriage, he was fine to have them any time. It was like if he didn't have Kalua in his coffee at 6 AM, he must not really have a problem. OY!! My lawyer got that all into the temporary custody arrangement and the fact it was pending was enough to keep him from trying to take the kids before the court could make the decree. If I wanted my kids and to make sure he wasn't drinking when he had them, I had no choice but to file immediately.
It was a legal action. If we didn't have kids, if he'd made a financial plan to take care of things or if he wasn't trying to take the kids, I wouldn't have spent the money filing. Lawyers are not cheap and, from my perspective, a marriage isn't over until the vows are broken so legalities don't matter. We could have been, legally, divorced for 10 years but if neither of us moved on to someone else, I would have still considered us married. I really meant "until death do us part" when I said it. Unfortunately, he just meant until I move out and find someone else. I guess we should have talked about that before we said "I do".
If we had followed through, I woudln't care what he did. It's the fact that we ended up trying again that made what we did during the separation an issue. Having made the other choice myself, I can't wrap my brain around why he didn't make the same choice. Especially since he claimed he never wanted a divorce. He just wanted to live separately. I'm guessing that included seeing who he wanted to since that's the choice he made. I wasn't going to leave my kids in limbo. Things had to be resolved.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-06-2008 at 07:59 AM..
It seems to me that the OP's husband has admitted holding back from their relationship because he had been hurt in the past by someone else. Then he left her and threatened to take her kids.
If it were me I would file for divorce to protect my children (if I had any!!) too.
I would also not be impressed if my husband chose to leave me and then started dating someone else straight away. Maybe it would be different if I had kicked him out? But HE chose to leave.
I also don't see it as cheating really, because they were headed for divorce. BUT I do see the whole chain of events as something very unsavory that would be extremely difficult for anyone to get past. Each step he took was a step further away from the marriage.
That the OP has zoned in on the so called 'cheating' is unsurprising to me. The whole situation sounds like it must have been heartbreaking. All the more so as the OP obviously recognizes her husband's good parts too.
OP; I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage. If you decide it's worth saving then good luck with that - and if not, then I really can't blame you.
Who wants to live in fear that your SO will walk out at any moment, taking the kids with him? Him dating other women at that point is really the least of the worry. This guy may be trying now, and perhaps he has learned his lesson and will never do it again. But he really has treated the OP badly and I'm surprised at how many of you seem to think this is ok?
For the life of me I can't understand why someone would lay out their problems here and ask for opinions- then refuse to acknowledge the validity of them.
I guess some people only want validation of their delusions rather than a dose of the reality that they desperately need.
No need for the ignore feature, Ivorytickler. I won't try to dispel your illusions any longer in this thread.
I hope you succeed in finding people who will tell you how right you are and how wrong your husband is. Sometimes floating down the river of Denial is more pleasant than facing the truth.
Pirate girl; divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through in life. Especially with children involved.
You go too far with your comments. Others have said similar things in a much kinder way than you. I can also be guilty of being too harsh so I can understand your frustration, but perhaps reading back over your comments and contemplating how 'helpful' you really are trying to be, would be good for your own self growth?
My husband was not thinking straight when he left. He'd been drinking too much (ever heard of dry drunk syndrome?) for a long time. There was no reasoning with him. I knew if I didn't resolve custody right away, I might be in a real fight for my kids and I wanted to make sure he didn't drink around the kids. My lawyer got that all into the temporary custody arrangement and the fact it was pending was enough to keep him from trying to take the kids before the court could make the decree.
I was a dry drunk for 15 years so yes I guess I know a little. Even I don't know ANYTHING about having a loving/invested relationship with another drunk. So I would suggest you attend Al-anon meetings.
You seem to have very high moral ideals for somebody married to a worthless drunk who can't be trusted to be around his own children. He probably doesn't share your convictions and YOU, THE KIDS, OR ANYBODY ELSE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE HIM.
I was a dry drunk for 15 years so yes I guess I know a little. Even I don't know ANYTHING about having a loving/invested relationship with another drunk. So I would suggest you attend Al-anon meetings.
You seem to have very high moral ideals for somebody married to a worthless drunk who can't be trusted to be around his own children. He probably doesn't share your convictions and YOU, THE KIDS, OR ANYBODY ELSE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE HIM.
I don't try to change his convictions. He is who he is. My task is to decide what I can live with.
It's funny, when they explained what a dry drunk is, that his thinking simply wasn't clear even when not drinking (during our marriage I could get what he did when drinking but never got why he'd do some of the stuff he did when "sober". The brain not returning to normal between drinking sessions explained that) I could get past the things he did when we were married. It 's what he chose to do after he sobered up that I'm having trouble with.
And I don't consider him a worthless drunk. I just can't get past her. I've gotten past a lot but this one is too much. I don't know how to fight the other woman. I don't know if I should fight. This is outside of the realm of what you're supposed to encounter in a marriage. Into the gray area where you're allowed to leave because the vows are destroyed. Nothing else I've had to deal with destroyed our vows.
I was in al anon during our separation and the kids were in al ateen but he doesn't like us going. He says he's not an alcoholic so we haven't been since he moved back in. He was not drinking at all but is now having a glass of wine now and again. He seem to need to prove to himself that he can and control it. While I don't like that. I know that him not drinking because it's what I want won't last. He either has to figure out he can't on his own or how to control it on his own. That is his demon to wrestle. Mine would appear to be her.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-06-2008 at 08:16 AM..
I don't try to change his convictions. He is who he is. My task is to decide what I can live with.
It's funny, when they explained what a dry drunk is, that his thinking simply wasn't clear even when not drinking (during our marriage I could get what he did when drinking but never got why he'd do some of the stuff he did when "sober". The brain not returning to normal between drinking sessions explained that) I could get past the things he did when we were married. It 's what he chose to do after he sobered up that I'm having trouble with.
And I don't consider him a worthless drunk. I just can't get past her. I've gotten past a lot but this one is too much. I don't know how to fight the other woman. I don't know if I should fight. This is outside of the realm of what you're supposed to encounter in a marriage. Into the gray area where you're allowed to leave because the vows are destroyed. Nothing else I've had to deal with destroyed our vows.
I was in al anon during our separation and the kids were in al ateen but he doesn't like us going. He says he's not an alcoholic so we haven't been since he moved back in. He was not drinking at all but is now having a glass of wine now and again. He seem to need to prove to himself that he can and control it. While I don't like that. I know that him not drinking because it's what I want won't last. He either has to figure out he can't on his own or how to control it on his own. That is his demon to wrestle. Mine would appear to be her.
IVORY said: "I just can't get past her. I've gotten past a lot but this one is too much. I don't know how to fight the other woman. I don't know if I should fight."
The fact is, you CHOSE to "fight" the other woman. What is there to fight about when your soon-to-be-exhusband said that it's over between him and her? But HEY, go ahead and get her name, phone number, and her address, so you can get into a real fight with her and get this over with, shall we? Would that make you "get past her"? GEEZ!
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). I just can't be in a situation that is out of control without trying to control it. That is me. 
