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I just needed to prove to myself that I don't owe him a second chance and I needed to do that with people who don't know the situation (IRL, people have taken sides.) Once he checked out and moved on, I don't think I owed him anything nor he me. It's just time to go.
I don't think you proved anything with anyone here, for 99% of us don't agree with you. Since you were never going to change your point of view on things, you've pretty much just wasted everyone's time.
You're right - it's time to go. It's also time for you to LET go. I'm not saying you need to stay married to him, but you need to let go of your anger and obsession over this. It's unhealthy for everyone involved.
In your eyes, he might as well have carried on an affair when you were together. However, he dated someone when, in his eyes, the marriage was over but for the judge's signature. At that time, he had no way of knowing there was a chance at reconciliation.
Somehow I don't think it would matter whether or not the divorce was final - if he wanted to get back together, you wouldn't be able to get past the fact that he actually dated someone other than you, even if it had been final at the time.
Seriously. There's 34 pages (now 35) on this subject. It's time to let. it. go.
I don't think you proved anything with anyone here, for 99% of us don't agree with you. Since you were never going to change your point of view on things, you've pretty much just wasted everyone's time.
You're right - it's time to go. It's also time for you to LET go. I'm not saying you need to stay married to him, but you need to let go of your anger and obsession over this. It's unhealthy for everyone involved.
In your eyes, he might as well have carried on an affair when you were together. However, he dated someone when, in his eyes, the marriage was over but for the judge's signature. At that time, he had no way of knowing there was a chance at reconciliation.
Somehow I don't think it would matter whether or not the divorce was final - if he wanted to get back together, you wouldn't be able to get past the fact that he actually dated someone other than you, even if it had been final at the time.
Seriously. There's 34 pages (now 35) on this subject. It's time to let. it. go.
I wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone here. My opinion is the only one that really matters becuase it's the one that will be used to make the decision. I was trying to prove to myself that my argument works for me. I'm aware that many people don't take marriage vows to mean until death do us part like I do. Many think you can sleep with whomever you want if you're on a break. I just don't agree with them. Even divorced I would not have until he broke our vows. Mine is an unusual stance but that doesn't make it wrong. My vow was before God and it was until death do us part not until someone else hangs out a vacancy sign or I decide to leave or got an itch, check out of my marriage and then back in...
He shouldn't have attempted a reconcilliation. He had already checked out. To come back was a lie. HE left me. I didn't leave him. This was all his choice. From leaving to her to our marriage ending.
What complicates things for me is only that we did try to reconcile and now it's me leaving. Before it was his choice to leave and his choice to be with her. In so doing he broke our vows. Now it's me leaving and he'll, undoubtedly go back to her or on to someone else but this time, I'm walking out. I need to know that I'm not breaking my vows. And I don't believe I am. Either he broke them when he was with her (my view) or he was done when he left and I filed and there simply are no vows to be broken.
Actually, the source of my difficulty which actually was cleared up by this was why did he have the affair. A one time slip can be forgiven and I was questioning whether I had an obligation to forgive one, but if he had checked out of the marriage, was done and moved on, then there's nothing to forgive. That's very different than making a mistake.
You're free to let it go if you like. You didn't have to post this. Since it's my thread, it wouldn't be polite for me not to answer but your participation is completely voluntary.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-07-2008 at 07:19 PM..
There's a HUGE difference between being on a break and filing for divorce. Even if you felt it was financially necessary to file, as you have stated, the act of filing is saying that it's over.
That's not a break - that's a break UP. I take my marriage vows very seriously; however, if my husband were to file for divorce, I would take that to mean the relationship was over - not that we were taking a break.
There's a HUGE difference between being on a break and filing for divorce. Even if you felt it was financially necessary to file, as you have stated, the act of filing is saying that it's over.
That's not a break - that's a break UP. I take my marriage vows very seriously; however, if my husband were to file for divorce, I would take that to mean the relationship was over - not that we were taking a break.
And if the relationship is over to the point you've moved on, you don't go back. Going on because you're done is one thing. Being temporarily done while it's convenient for you and then going back quite another.
And I don't agree. Him walking out was a bigger deal than legal papers to protect the kids and me. Him being with her EVEN BIGGER. You can change your mind about moving out or filing but you don't have that option once you've chosen to break your vows with someone else.
And if the relationship is over to the point you've moved on, you don't go back. Going on because you're done is one thing. Being temporarily done while it's convenient for you and then going back quite another.
And I don't agree. Him walking out was a bigger deal than legal papers to protect the kids and me. Him being with her EVEN BIGGER. You can change your mind about moving out or filing but you don't have that option once you've chosen to break your vows with someone else.
People have not tried to convince you to do one thing or another here. It appears to be impossible for you to recognize your anger and bitterness over the situation. Your thoughts are very disorganized and all over the place. You just want to appear to be a victim and assume no responsibility in the situation. No one has blamed you for a thing as you have stated a couple of times.... however, you do bear responsibility for the things that have happened and that are happening. I will make one suggestion to you and that is if you proceed this time with the divorce, let your lawyer do the talking.
People have not tried to convince you to do one thing or another here. It appears to be impossible for you to recognize your anger and bitterness over the situation. Your thoughts are very disorganized and all over the place. You just want to appear to be a victim and assume no responsibility in the situation. No one has blamed you for a thing as you have stated a couple of times.... however, you do bear responsibility for the things that have happened and that are happening. I will make one suggestion to you and that is if you proceed this time with the divorce, let your lawyer do the talking.
You're good if you can read emotion into postings on the internet. I got angry when I was told I don't deserve my kids but that's about it.
Go back and read the posts. I've been told over and over it's my fault for filing.
Not really. I didn't down a six pack a day, I didn't walk out on my family and I didn't take up with someone else. I bear no responsibility for what he chose to do of his own free will. Do you really think I control his actions? I do X and he just has to do Y ??? No, he did what he wanted to do. Just as I did.
If you allow me the same luxury you allow him than it's his fault I filed because I wouldn't have if he hadn't left. Somehow he's the only one who gets off the hook because of what his spouse did. Major double standard here. If I bear the blame for his cheating, he bears the blame for my filing but filing caused the cheating so he did this himself .
None of it matters though. I just need to know I have the right, in light of what he did, to leave. I know I had the right not to take him back but I made the mistake of doing so. I need to fix that one. I think that one can be undone quite easily.
I'll tell ya one thing. I'm glad we didn't renew vows like he wanted to. My friends saved me from that one. They were all adamant that I should not renew vows with him. I think they knew.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-07-2008 at 08:44 PM..
Tell us a little more about your husband. I can assure you many women would enjoy his company. I'm sure he wants nothing more than to forget about you and find a kind, caring woman. A woman who will not nag. A six pack a night, the poor man is self medicating. Who cares who did is or who said that? Life is too short to entertain your high school logic.
Tell us a little more about your husband. I can assure you many women would enjoy his company. I'm sure he wants nothing more than to forget about you and find a kind, caring woman. A woman who will not nag. A six pack a night, the poor man is self medicating. Who cares who did is or who said that? Life is too short to entertain your high school logic.
I'm sure you'll find him on match.com in short order. I think he was listed before he moved out last time.
Good luck. As they say, you can blame the first divorce on your spouse but you have to blame any others on yourself. This will be number 1 fo rme, number 2 for him. It's not usually smart to date men who've been divorced twice but if you think you're the woman who can light his fire for the rest of his life, go for it. Maybe he'll leave me alone.
You need to realize marriage isn't a competitive sport. Why do you feel the need to keep score? Number one divorce for you, number two for him. Who cares? It's childish and unbecoming.
You need to realize marriage isn't a competitive sport. Why do you feel the need to keep score? Number one divorce for you, number two for him. Who cares? It's childish and unbecoming.
Reality is, having one failed marriage and having two failed marriages is different. When one marriage after another fails, you're probably doing something wrong. Reality is, if you have multiple marriages fail, you probably have something to do with it. You want to blame this all on me. He's innocent. I'm just pointing out the illogic of that argument given he's had multiple marriages fail.
Statistically speaking, the more times you have a marriage fail, the more likely your next one will fail. You set up a pattern. Or perhaps they fail because of some issue you've never addressed. I don't know the psychology behind it. I just know that you can blame your spouse for the first one but you get to claim all the ones after that.
We'll have to see what happens with #2 and me.
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