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After reading your story, the first thing I started thinking about was your retirement. Do you have anything going on in that department? If you don't, you need to act now. Sure, get another job, but make sure all of that money goes into YOUR retirement fund. Now, I know you have this inheritance coming your way, but your husband is selfish - you said it yourself. What's the guarantee he's not going to immediately squander it on something and the next thing you know, you're bagging groceries at 75? And, what if something happened to him before that came along? I doubt it would go to you; your children, maybe, but probably not to you.
My husband has expensive hobbies, too (real airplanes), so I feel some of your pain. Best of luck to you. It's so stressful.
There is a difference between being able to afford an expensive hobby and reallocating one's funds from necessities (of which food would be one) to an expensive hobby.
No one can force him to relinquish his control but if his past spending habits continue as you have reported, then it is possible that you could see bankruptcy again in your future. Yeah, the kids & hubby dearest are having fun but how much fun do you expect that they're going to have after you're bankrupt?
I wouldn't count upon future money that has yet to appear, regardless of how likely it is that it may go to you. Stranger things have been known to happen in families, particularly when money is involved, especially when large sums of money are involved. Even if it does appear, it may take years before it actually helps you out any. My husband has been a beneficiary in a few wills and they usually took a considerable amount of time before he saw anything out of them (he didn't receive $$ from one until close to 10 years later).
Perhaps you can discuss creating a budget with him; set aside the money you need for housing costs, groceries, and other necessities, and then allow them (if you can afford it) a pre-set amount of money for the week (or month) to do whatever. They may need to scale back and redefine their "fun" activity. Nothing stipulates that they must do x, y, or z to enjoy themselves.
ok..So i know he is being selfish but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...We were married almost 15 years ago and he is just one of those people who has a hobby..not a big deal as I know that most husbands have hobbies..however, he has EXPENSIVE hobbies, first it was motorcycles (streetbikes) but when I got pregnant with our first child I made him get rid of it...then it was remote controlled airplanes, then it was REAL airplanes of which he bought one and THEN told me... That was huge...now, back then we had a lot of money and I was able to buy things I wanted too (much less expensive, house stuff and clothes) and then he sold the plane and we got a newer plane (planes appreciate and not depreciate like cars) however, we sold it for a loss just to get rid of it as we needed the money when my husband changed jobs and sold our business..that is where things went bad..he bought tons of things like remote controlled helicopters and parts and well, it is expensive...and then one day he told me we had to sell the house as we didn't have any more money and were getting ready to go bankrupt..OMG So..I freaked, got a job (was a stay at home mom) and did ebaying etc to make extra and he didn't sell anything of his...NOTHING...I didn't want to ask him to as I have seen him without a hobby and it is not pretty...he is bored and depressed and man it is bad for me! lol...anyway...it has been 5 years of struggling, we never did sell the house (tried for all those years but the housing market is bad as you know)
well, now he has sold his helicopters and my kids (both boys) and him are into dirtbikes....expensive...we have little money and he complains that I need to get a job again (I am a sub and don't work in the summer) and we need to cut back on groceries etc..however he keeps buying stuff...and everytime they go to the track it costs money..I can't buy anything..NOTHING...we live paycheck to paycheck.. yet he is having fun...
NOW..you are asking, why not say something, why not get mad? I have..and he gets madder..and I know he is doing this to be close to his kids and if I tell him to get rid of it the kids will know it is me that said to do it..I don't want to take that away from his kids but I have been waiting for it to me MY time for that many years and I don't want to be selfish but man..i am tired of being last...I make a paycheck and it goes IMMEDIATELY to him...to pay bills...
someone help me...He said I am a nag...I come to him with the same problem all the time and well, i do..but nothing ever changes...so i keep coming back...Right now it is building that I want to bring it up again but I can't...I don't want to argue and I know what he will do..he will just go sell them and then be mad at me and depressed and guess what? It is now been turned around to be my fault...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh...I am so stuck between a rock and hard place..I love him a bunch and when he is happy with a hobby we have a great relationship (if I don't think about how much I have been jipped) but if I say anything even if I do it calmly and adult like he is mad...any advice?
my sister is married to a man like that only his hobbie is video games. his kids come after his games and his wife last. its pathetic. i cant even tell you how many times i have had to go buy my sis and her kids groceries and when i take them to her home he is playing a new game on wii. it really makes me sick.
he is driving us into debt...he spends the money we have for groceries and stuff on fun stuff and then tells me to use the credit card to buy groceries..I think he is betting on the money we will get when his grandparents die...they are in the upper 80's and worth MILLIONS...but I don't want to just spend spend spend and not be responsible..I feel like I have 3 kids and not 2..lol
You have a silly husband, and you are just as silly for condoning this behavior. You don't want to make him "depressed" and you don't want to bring up the issue or "nag" him anymore. He is SO running game on you. Trying to make you the bad guy-while simultaneously putting you guys further into debt. And its working. What about your kids college? What if someone has to have major surgery...oh wait a minute, thats where the grandparents money comes in right?
I'm not sure if this has been already said or not as I haven't read the responses but I wonder... who handles the finances? Meaning who pays the bills? You or him?
I would suggest maybe that you pay the bills. First, I would sit down and really calculate what your monthly basic living expenses are including groceries, kids lunches, etc. I would present this budget to him and then explain what it is that you are wanting to implement and do. Then I would set up a seperate account so that you have one account in which all the money gets deposited into. The other account is where you will deposit all the funds necessary to cover the monthly bills. Whatever is left then in the original account is what could be used as "fun" money. If there is some, great split it up some way so that both of you get equal opportunity at some "fun" stuff. If there isn't any money left one month, oh well.. maybe next month there will be some. But the bottom line is that the basic necessities must be covered before any money is spent on the "fun" stuff.
Good luck. I know it's tough to want to balance out responsibilities with fun stuff. I have been a single mom for the past 3 years and on a very very tight budget. I have been fine with doing without some of the fun and the luxuries because what I was getting in exchange was far more important to me, and that was the ability to remain a stay at home mom even after my divorce so that I could remain involved with my children and pursue my college education. Things like cutting back on certain expenses like say groceries is not that bad as long as you are not doing without. For example where I live, I've just had to learn to shop wiser. I take advantage of all their buy one get one free deals and do my monthly shopping that way. I've had receipts that have been $200 with a reported savings on it of $150. This has worked out really good.
I don't know about the marriage business, dear... If I did, I'd still be married...
ditto i am powerless over others and their selfishness. i can only work on my own character defects.
i dont do very well at marriage, kids and relationships.
my strong area is standing alone in the big empty, its cold, windy and dark but its where inspiration and a lot of healing occurs .
chinese heng o flies to the moon
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Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 06-07-2008 at 12:19 AM..
its cold, windy and dark but its where inspiration and a lot of healing occurs
Heh... I don't know about that healing, either... tonight (courtesy of reminders ) I'm in the process of replacing one of my longtime addictions with even older one that's been dormant for ages...
ok..So i know he is being selfish but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...We were married almost 15 years ago and he is just one of those people who has a hobby..not a big deal as I know that most husbands have hobbies..however, he has EXPENSIVE hobbies, first it was motorcycles (streetbikes) but when I got pregnant with our first child I made him get rid of it...then it was remote controlled airplanes, then it was REAL airplanes of which he bought one and THEN told me... That was huge...now, back then we had a lot of money and I was able to buy things I wanted too (much less expensive, house stuff and clothes) and then he sold the plane and we got a newer plane (planes appreciate and not depreciate like cars) however, we sold it for a loss just to get rid of it as we needed the money when my husband changed jobs and sold our business..that is where things went bad..he bought tons of things like remote controlled helicopters and parts and well, it is expensive...and then one day he told me we had to sell the house as we didn't have any more money and were getting ready to go bankrupt..OMG So..I freaked, got a job (was a stay at home mom) and did ebaying etc to make extra and he didn't sell anything of his...NOTHING...I didn't want to ask him to as I have seen him without a hobby and it is not pretty...he is bored and depressed and man it is bad for me! lol...anyway...it has been 5 years of struggling, we never did sell the house (tried for all those years but the housing market is bad as you know)
well, now he has sold his helicopters and my kids (both boys) and him are into dirtbikes....expensive...we have little money and he complains that I need to get a job again (I am a sub and don't work in the summer) and we need to cut back on groceries etc..however he keeps buying stuff...and everytime they go to the track it costs money..I can't buy anything..NOTHING...we live paycheck to paycheck.. yet he is having fun...
NOW..you are asking, why not say something, why not get mad? I have..and he gets madder..and I know he is doing this to be close to his kids and if I tell him to get rid of it the kids will know it is me that said to do it..I don't want to take that away from his kids but I have been waiting for it to me MY time for that many years and I don't want to be selfish but man..i am tired of being last...I make a paycheck and it goes IMMEDIATELY to him...to pay bills...
someone help me...He said I am a nag...I come to him with the same problem all the time and well, i do..but nothing ever changes...so i keep coming back...Right now it is building that I want to bring it up again but I can't...I don't want to argue and I know what he will do..he will just go sell them and then be mad at me and depressed and guess what? It is now been turned around to be my fault...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh...I am so stuck between a rock and hard place..I love him a bunch and when he is happy with a hobby we have a great relationship (if I don't think about how much I have been jipped) but if I say anything even if I do it calmly and adult like he is mad...any advice?
I feel for you, but I can't offer any sage advice. I have only one expensive hobby, that is, keeping my wife happy. She has never nagged me about it.
ok..So i know he is being selfish but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...We were married almost 15 years ago and he is just one of those people who has a hobby..not a big deal as I know that most husbands have hobbies..however, he has EXPENSIVE hobbies, first it was motorcycles (streetbikes) but when I got pregnant with our first child I made him get rid of it...then it was remote controlled airplanes, then it was REAL airplanes of which he bought one and THEN told me... That was huge...now, back then we had a lot of money and I was able to buy things I wanted too (much less expensive, house stuff and clothes) and then he sold the plane and we got a newer plane (planes appreciate and not depreciate like cars) however, we sold it for a loss just to get rid of it as we needed the money when my husband changed jobs and sold our business..that is where things went bad..he bought tons of things like remote controlled helicopters and parts and well, it is expensive...and then one day he told me we had to sell the house as we didn't have any more money and were getting ready to go bankrupt..OMG So..I freaked, got a job (was a stay at home mom) and did ebaying etc to make extra and he didn't sell anything of his...NOTHING...I didn't want to ask him to as I have seen him without a hobby and it is not pretty...he is bored and depressed and man it is bad for me! lol...anyway...it has been 5 years of struggling, we never did sell the house (tried for all those years but the housing market is bad as you know)
well, now he has sold his helicopters and my kids (both boys) and him are into dirtbikes....expensive...we have little money and he complains that I need to get a job again (I am a sub and don't work in the summer) and we need to cut back on groceries etc..however he keeps buying stuff...and everytime they go to the track it costs money..I can't buy anything..NOTHING...we live paycheck to paycheck.. yet he is having fun...
NOW..you are asking, why not say something, why not get mad? I have..and he gets madder..and I know he is doing this to be close to his kids and if I tell him to get rid of it the kids will know it is me that said to do it..I don't want to take that away from his kids but I have been waiting for it to me MY time for that many years and I don't want to be selfish but man..i am tired of being last...I make a paycheck and it goes IMMEDIATELY to him...to pay bills...
someone help me...He said I am a nag...I come to him with the same problem all the time and well, i do..but nothing ever changes...so i keep coming back...Right now it is building that I want to bring it up again but I can't...I don't want to argue and I know what he will do..he will just go sell them and then be mad at me and depressed and guess what? It is now been turned around to be my fault...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh...I am so stuck between a rock and hard place..I love him a bunch and when he is happy with a hobby we have a great relationship (if I don't think about how much I have been jipped) but if I say anything even if I do it calmly and adult like he is mad...any advice?
You NEED a job. Not to keep up with his hobbies but so you are taken care of. Is there something you can do year round? Subbing doesn't pay much and it's only for the school year. Have you thought about becomming a teacher? Depending on where you are, they pay can be good or bad but it's better than subbing.
He may see himself as entitled because he earns the income. Not approving of this, just pointing it out Did the two of you have an agreement going into the marriage that he'd support you and you woudln't have to work? He doesn't seem to be in support of that.
You getting a job would, at least, put you in position where you can take care of yourself. I'm not sure if it will help his spending situation but at least you'll have your check to take care of you.
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That was huge...now, back then we had a lot of money and I was able to buy things I wanted too (much less expensive, house stuff and clothes) and then he sold the plane and we got a newer plane (planes appreciate and not depreciate like cars) however, we sold it for a loss just to get rid of it as we needed the money when my husband changed jobs and sold our business..that is where things went bad..he bought tons of things like remote controlled helicopters and parts and well, it is expensive...and then one day he told me we had to sell the house as we didn't have any more money and were getting ready to go bankrupt..OMG
So..I freaked, got a job (was a stay at home mom) and did ebaying etc to make extra and he didn't sell anything of his...NOTHING...I didn't want to ask him to as I have seen him without a hobby and it is not pretty...he is bored and depressed and man it is bad for me! lol...anyway...it has been 5 years of struggling, we never did sell the house (tried for all those years but the housing market is bad as you know) 
) I'm in the process of replacing one of my longtime addictions with even older one that's been dormant for ages...
