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Old 06-08-2008, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692

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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl View Post
Now folks, Mr. Fitzgerald, is obviously intelligent and hasn't stated anywhere that his fantasy and memory of this old girlfriend is interfering with his daily life. He's also stated that he has no intention of ruining his marriage or Sarah's life. He hasn't stated that he doesn't love and care for his wife. So, assuming he's truthful.... sounds like he's just spending some time down memory lane.
I'm going to hazard a guess if his wife finds out he's looking up Sarah on the internet, it won't benefit their relationship. You dont' have to want something to interfere with your marriage for it to do so. I'm willing to bet it already is affecting his relationship. You can't commit to one person while hanging on to another. Ask my husband about that one. He never mentioned his ex but never let her go either. Tried to drown her in a bottle but the only thing he did in the end is flush our marriage.
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Old 06-08-2008, 12:53 PM
 
4,897 posts, read 18,465,551 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I'm going to hazard a guess if his wife finds out he's looking up Sarah on the internet, it won't benefit their relationship. You dont' have to want something to interfere with your marriage for it to do so. I'm willing to bet it already is affecting his relationship. You can't commit to one person while hanging on to another. Ask my husband about that one. He never mentioned his ex but never let her go either. Tried to drown her in a bottle but the only thing he did in the end is flush our marriage.
Ivory, sorry to hear of your problems, but not every relationship is like yours. and i hope that you too will be able to let go of what your husband has done to you, so that it doesnt poison your next relationship
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Old 06-08-2008, 12:59 PM
 
268 posts, read 100,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyler Fitzgerald View Post
The year was 1988. Acid-washed jeans were all the rage, Mike Dukakis was running for president, and “Sarah” and I were both students at a small liberal arts college in Texas. I was a senior, she was a freshman. We met through a mutual interest in politics--we attended a meeting to revive the moribund chapter of College Democrats. We had an initial attraction that I had never experienced before or since. As we worked on the student club we became closer and fell in love (or at least I did). We were both passionate about politics, has similar likes and dislikes, and the sex was spectacular. But I graduated in May of that year and went back home to Houston. Sarah returned home, too, for the summer (to Dallas). We kept in touch via telephone but a month or so later she broke off the relationship. We talked a few more times on the phone. Sarah made it clear that there would be no reconciliation and that it would be best that if we made a clean break--no ongoing contact, etc. I was utterly devastated. It was 20 years ago--June 1988.

Sarah returned to school in the fall and I moved in with some roommates in town. I heard through a friend-of-a-friend that she was dating someone at nearby Big State University. I ran into her once briefly at the campus bookstore. It was awkward and uncomfortable--little was said and, as it turns out, it would be the last time I ever saw her. The following semester Sarah transferred to Big State U. and I never knew what happened to her after that.

I dated other gals over the years, even fell in love. But I never stopped thinking about Sarah and my feelings for women I subsequently met was nothing compared to that which I had felt for Sarah. I can’t say that a day went by that I didn’t think of her, but certainly a week did not go by that I did think of Sarah. I often wanted to know what happened to her. I dreamt of her frequently (and still do).

My life progressed through ups and downs. I worked for a while after graduating, then went to graduate school, moved across the country, and established my career. I met a lovely woman and we married 10 years ago. We are both successful professionals and have two beautiful children together.

And yet 20 years later I still think of Sarah. In the past such musings just were just pie-in-the-sky daydreams. But, of course, the internet has changed that. Over the past 5 years I periodically Googled her name and didn’t find much (no surprise, really, since I figured she married and changed her name). But recently something came up. I have been able to find her new name and have learned quite a bit about Sarah through publicly available information. She graduated from Big State U. and is married to a successful medical researcher. She’s still a loyal Democrat. She lives in Dallas and has at least one child, and it appears that she’s been a stay at home mom for the past few years after having a career of her own.

The supposed prescription for getting past a break up--focusing your attention and energies on something else, meeting some one new, and (most of all) time, have done nothing for me. I have earned graduate degrees, advanced my career, built relationships, married and had children, established a home, and yet I still long for Sarah.

I dreamt of her again last night and today, 20 years later, I remain deeply torn. I still have feelings for Sarah that defy description yet I know what's past is past. Part of me still yearns for her, but I know this is irrational. At the same time part of me is happy to simply have had the brief moment of bliss with Sarah.

I can help with this one, since I am guilty also. And now that so many years have passed, and we are both up there in years, and he has since died, I can tell you that when I first married (after he and I went out separate ways), I rarely thought of him. I had kids, was busy, etc. etc. Many years later, when life was emptier, I thought of him. But I always knew, it would never be as good as what we had at that time. It was a dream and a pleasurable escape to think about him, but that is all it was. I know now, that what I had with my husband was worth so much more - maybe not as idyllic because it was more realistic, but he was THERE - he was the one, not the ephemeral dream of someone I knew just once for a brief time.

What hurts is the memory of freestyle life you had at that time. But if you lost what you have now, I guarantee, you would want what you have now back.
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Old 06-08-2008, 01:37 PM
 
8 posts, read 25,325 times
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Aww, this makes me think of The Notebook - I know, cheesy but still.
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Old 06-08-2008, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findinghope View Post
Ivory, sorry to hear of your problems, but not every relationship is like yours. and i hope that you too will be able to let go of what your husband has done to you, so that it doesnt poison your next relationship
No they're not but hanging on to a lost love isn't going to help any relationship. You can't do justice to your current partner if your heart belongs to one in the past.
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Old 06-08-2008, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Way up high
22,237 posts, read 29,276,194 times
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Ivory, I beg to differ on that. My heart belongs to someone from my past but I'm truly happy with the current one. I agree with findinghope. You need to let go of your failed marriage and move on. You'll never be happy if you don't.

2nd The Notebook!
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Old 06-08-2008, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Sandpoint, ID
3,109 posts, read 10,820,405 times
Reputation: 2628
Tyler,

I understand what you're saying...but here's my take on your current marriage...there are 3 way things can go by the choices you make as a married man:

1) You make a choice that edifies your wife and does (or can) improve your relationship. You already know what these things are.

2) You make a choice that is neutral. This is usually minor purchases, which friends you choose to hang out with (assuming they're all equally in their impact on your marriage), whether you play one sport or another, etc.

3) Choices that are detrimental to your relationship. This includes choices to do things, that if known, would be a big no-no. It can only end in tears or expensive paperwork later.

Looking up an old flame is a soft #3, and with reason could be a quasi-#2 if your wife is the understanding type. Checking up on her more beyond the casual search, buddy, you're solidly into #3 territory and it just isn't worth it. See a counselor, and develop some accountability for making choices in your daily thought life that edify your marriage by keeping you from doing something really dumb...
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Old 06-08-2008, 02:19 PM
 
13 posts, read 226,773 times
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Thank you, Ivorytickler, for your thoughts. Yes, I spoke with a counselor 12 years ago (when I began dating my wife "Michelle"). The counselor’s recommendation was along the lines of “get a hobby/find someone else/give it more time.” I disagree that I'm hanging on to a fantasy (I realize there will be to reconciliation); rather, I am hanging on to what was.

As for those who reference my marriage: this complicates things, of course. Looking back I sometimes think I never should have married my wife, "Michelle." I certainly love Michelle (though the feelings are nothing like that for Sarah). I thought of Sarah often before I married Michelle, but I figured that marriage would help dispel those thoughts and feelings ("find someone else" right?). Of course, my relationship and subsequent marriage to Michelle did nothing to alleviate those thoughts or feelings for Sarah.

Today, Michelle and I are in a stable and boring marriage. In our earlier years things were certainly better--there was more passion, more fun. But looking back I can see that I was the one who was more the catalyst for that fun and as we have grown older she has become less willing to go along. Both in our 40's, we're responsible, financially secure (hence, no fights over money) and in general agreement about many "big things." There are certainly differences of opinion and we disagree often, but no major blow ups.

But Michelle is unusual in that she is both kind but also cool and distant. She is more introspective and thoughtful than I am,whereas I am more passionate and expressive. This is one of the things that attracted me to her (that, along with the fact that she is smart, mature, responsible, and physically attractive). But the flip side of it is that she is emotionally remote and this has become increasingly problematic as we have grown older. I have tried many times to try to spark things up, to try to interject more passion and physical intimacy (not just sex) in our relationship to foster more closeness, but over times there has been less rather than more. Example: “Hey, let’s take a shower together?” “No,” she says, “You don’t have the water hot enough.” “Want a back rub,” I’ll ask her. Nine times out of ten the answer is “No thanks.” Lie in bed on a Saturday? “No,” she’ll say, “I’m tired and I want to sleep in.” As you might imagine our sex life is uninspired. Michelle's libido is low, her approach to sex is unimaginative, and her demeanor is reserved and unexpressive. I express interest in sex often and she usually declines; she NEVER initiates sex. We’ve talked about this before and nothing changes because, frankly, she simply doesn’t have much interest in sex and does not seem unhappy with the status quo. I have suggested all sorts of things in the interest of spicing things up but she declines.

All the advice columns extol men to ignite more passion by helping more around the house (assuming that women do most of the housework). Except that in our house I do all cooking, laundry, light house cleaning, grocery shopping, home and auto maintenance, and most bookeeping (we have a nanny and housekeeper who help with the kids and do much of the heavy house cleaning). My wife’s job is more intense than mine and requires more hours at work (she also brings in a bigger paycheck).

I agree that if I lost what I have now I would be profoundly pained. I will not leave Michelle. The thought of not being with my children (ages 3 and 5) is too painful ,and a stable two parent home is too important for them. Divorce would be a huge financial setback for both of us and, by extension, our children. And, frankly, the only person I’m interested in more than Michelle is Sarah.

Are my feelings for Sarah impeding my marriage with Michelle? I don’t think so. I think, rather, that my lackluster marriage with Michelle makes me long for Sarah all that much more. But the reality is that I wanted Sarah even before I met Michelle. And 20 years later I want Sarah now more than ever.

Last edited by Tyler Fitzgerald; 06-08-2008 at 02:29 PM..
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Old 06-08-2008, 02:25 PM
 
Location: VA
549 posts, read 1,927,452 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Perhaps you should write a fantasy novel or two. You need to find a way to end the story and move on. 20 years is a long time to pine and I'm sure, like my ex and my husband, her memory has kept you from investing all you should in your marriage.
I really like this idea! I have no idea if it'll help but it sounds like a great way to get closure (to create your own). It may not prevent you from thinking about her but at the very least, you'll have some conclusion.


On a side note, there was a girl that I haven't spoken to for about 6 years now. We weren't even that close when we did know each other (just co-workers). None the less, her beauty was so radiant and her personality was just so cute that I longed for her throughout those 6 years. I'd think about her every now and then... some thoughts would linger more while some would fade quicker. It was upsetting to me because I didn't think I could devote myself to another girl with her still in my mind.

But as chance would have it, I found her online. I got in touch with her and since then we've exchanged emails and pictures. She's not quite the doll I remembered (which was a huge wake-up call) but she's still very pretty. We planned on meeting up and grabbing tea (? ... her idea) but I couldn't make it because of other obligations. I'm not sure where my priorities should be but I'm glad I haven't thrown my life away for her. I've waited years for this chance... I can wait a little longer.

So if you read my little story, nothing was more of an eye-opener than the real deal. If you meet up with her, as others have said, I'm sure she'll be very different. That may be just what you need... Though, to be fair, my story is still incomplete. Perhaps my dwindling lust for her is because the fantasy/mystery is gone... Then again, perhaps it's just the calm before the storm.

By the way, you used Sarah's real name in the second paragraph. I'm not sure if you want to edit that out...

Last edited by endersshadow; 06-08-2008 at 02:35 PM..
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Old 06-08-2008, 02:30 PM
 
13 posts, read 226,773 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by endersshadow View Post
By the way, you used Sarah's real name in the second paragraph. I'm not sure if you want to edit that out...

Oops! Thanks!
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