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All good points -- thank you.. He IS a very nice guy and I live in a fairly rural/small-town area where there are literally almost no available men in my generation (40s/early 50s) in at least a 50-mile radius.... so that's part of the reason I'm having trouble moving on, I know. But you're definitely right about him using me as a crutch and as someone who is filling a gap in his life.... that is exactly how I feel. One example is that he and his grown children continue to celebrate all of their holidays with another family in town because that's how they spent their holidays when the wife was alive. Ahhh, another red flag, I'm sure. I am spending more and more time away from him with other activities; I just sort of felt that I should explain things in some sort of way that was less blunt than "I'm bored and I'm moving on", but I have really no experience with these things, and there's something about not wanting to hurt a widower's feelings any more than they've already been hurt (I know, not my responsibility/problem, but still....)
All good points -- thank you.. He IS a very nice guy and I live in a fairly rural/small-town area where there are literally almost no available men in my generation (40s/early 50s) in at least a 50-mile radius.... so that's part of the reason I'm having trouble moving on, I know. But you're definitely right about him using me as a crutch and as someone who is filling a gap in his life.... that is exactly how I feel. One example is that he and his grown children continue to celebrate all of their holidays with another family in town because that's how they spent their holidays when the wife was alive. Ahhh, another red flag, I'm sure. I am spending more and more time away from him with other activities; I just sort of felt that I should explain things in some sort of way that was less blunt than "I'm bored and I'm moving on", but I have really no experience with these things, and there's something about not wanting to hurt a widower's feelings any more than they've already been hurt (I know, not my responsibility/problem, but still....)
I'm sorry to say this, but you're shortchanging yourself...
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MARYNO
On top of that, none of my friends or family members like this guy; even to the point of avoiding being in the same room as him.
This is an excellent indication that this man is, in fact, boring. People who go against the "poll the audience" consensus on that Millionaire show generally do poorly.
However, keep in mind that the death of a spouse is among the most traumatic events a human can endure. I'm sure he's not quite himself yet.
I just sort of felt that I should explain things in some sort of way that was less blunt than "I'm bored and I'm moving on", but I have really no experience with these things and thre's something about not wanting to hurt a widower's feelings...
You don't have to be brutally honest. Just say that you enjoy his friendship and would rather keep the relationship at that level. I think it might hurt him less to hear this than for him to continue to see you while you're bored and he isn't aware of how you feel.
As others have mentioned, I also don't understand why your counselor wants you to be more open to this man, unless she thinks that you aren't being honest about your reasons for not wanting to remain in the relationship.
"People that are brutally honest tend to love the brutality as much as the honesty."
I disagree. Sometimes people need to be shaken up and patting them on the back does no good in addition to it being a selfish and hypocritical act (just sparing yourself a headache). Some don't believe in tough love but I do. It has nothing to do with loving brutality.
You don't have to be brutally honest. Just say that you enjoy his friendship and would rather keep the relationship at that level. I think it might hurt him less to hear this than for him to continue to see you while you're bored and he isn't aware of how you feel.
As others have mentioned, I also don't understand why your counselor wants you to be more open to this man, unless she thinks that you aren't being honest about your reasons for not wanting to remain in the relationship.
I think the counselor thinks (1) that I'm afraid of being alone and (2) that I have emotional damage from previous relationships and my childhood, and I'm not sure if she's right or not. I really love being alone most of the time, for one thing. So she's telling me that even if I met the love of my life right now, I wouldn't be "ready" for him because I haven't worked through all these old issues. I have to admit that I had to really think about this to try to understand if I had all that much "baggage" or if I'm just having a compatibility problem. I originally started seeing her several months ago to try to deal with "dating a widower" issues and to figure out if I was too picky or just bored, but I've gotten stuck in this limbo week after week, where she's telling me to "try different things" with this guy and saying "Your friends and family will like him if you talk him up", etc. I think she thinks I need a Steady Eddie kind of guy... and I keep searching to see if she might be right about that.... but my instincts are telling me that this Steady Eddie is nice, but not interesting enough, for me.
no you are not too picky
stop wasting your time and his, and stop seeing him
stop trying to force yourself to enjoy someone you don't, it's unfair to you both
you already sound resentful about spending time with him and his habits, RED FLAG that should not be ignored
you never have to justify who you like or don't like, or why you don't like someone
and get a different therapist, anyone who says keep someone you clearly can't stand his habits, is not much help as a counselor.
if his habits bug you now while dating? the longer you know him, the MORE they will bug you, guaranteed
somewhere out there is a woman who will adore his finickiness, so free both of you to happier existences, and away from the misery
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