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I already know the answer but would like other people's opinions on the matter:
When I was 16, I met this guy who unbeknown to both us, we attended the same Catholic school. We quickly became friends and in a matter of months, he asked me to attend his high school prom. We spent every single day together until he finally moved away to attend college. During the whole time we were together, we were never intimate since I wasn't ready.
Fast forward 2007 - It's been 15 years and I happen to bump into him at my cousin's birthday party being held at a club. We chatted, exchanged numbers and started to catch up on things. Soon after we started seeing each other since we were both single and both remembered all the good times we had together as kids. He's been extremely sweet, caring, attentive, affectionate and kind. But there's one problem...it's been six months since we've started dating and he's still doesn't want to call what we have a relationship. I've asked him to voice his concerns and he simply has said he moves slower than most people.
OKAY. I told him from the onset, I don't do "casual dating" and he stated he understood and respected that. We've both have been behaving as if we are in a relationship. He's hung out around my family and friends and I've hung out around his friend's as well. We see each other 2-6 times a week (depending on our schedules). He's been there for me when I had leg surgery, has embraced my child and has been very supportive of my recovery. I don't get it.
Three times, I've tried to end things and just remain platonic friends and all three times he was upset with the matter stating he moves slow (once again). I believe I've been patient enough and even though he is a good person, I don't want to waste my time on someone who be possibly "having his cake and eating it too" sort of speak.
He's 34 and I'm 32. Not asking to get married but I do want a committed relationship.
Am I being impatient? Should I wait longer? Don't want to waste my life waiting on someone who may not want a relationship with me? Any advice?
Calling it a relationship does not make it a relationship. Why do you need a title? I think a lot of times actions speak more than a title or designation ever can.
Is he acting in a way that makes you think your current status is not the type of relationship that you want? 6 months is pretty early on in a relationship.
If you did not want casual dating, than you should not have put your self in a situation where that is what you are doing.
AS an aside, I am not sure why you would be opposed to casual dating, and why the need to jump into relationship right away. I think relationships take time to evolve, and it seems a bit stifling to me to just start off in that type of dating cycle right away.
How slow can a 34 year old man go?..lol. It's been six months of heavy dating. We see each other minimum of 2 days a week to a maximum of 7 days a week. We talk daily, email each other while at work, send texts frequently and enjoy each other's company. I love him more than a friend and it kills me that he doesn't want to the same thing I want. Every time, I go back, it still bothers me that a relationship between us doesn't exist. If he doesn't want a relationship, he should come out and say so.
Calling it a relationship does not make it a relationship. Why do you need a title? I think a lot of times actions speak more than a title or designation ever can.
Is he acting in a way that makes you think your current status is not the type of relationship that you want? 6 months is pretty early on in a relationship.
If you did not want casual dating, than you should not have put your self in a situation where that is what you are doing.
AS an aside, I am not sure why you would be opposed to casual dating, and why the need to jump into relationship right away. I think relationships take time to evolve, and it seems a bit stifling to me to just start off in that type of dating cycle right away.
I didn't emphasize having a relationship right away but I am emphasizing that now. I told him not to get involve with me if casual dating was what he was looking for. He stated he wasn't and he understood and respected my position. Now 6 months later, nothing? Please....my time is valuable and I expect him to either step up to the plate or leave the entire plate alone. It's the only decent thing to do.
It soulds like you're already in a relationship. Is he dating anyone else? By saying he's not ready, does it mean he wants to keep the door open to see other people?
If he said "ok, we're in a r'ship" what would change?
It sounds like you're already in a relationship. Is he dating anyone else? By saying he's not ready, does it mean he wants to keep the door open to see other people?
If he said "ok, we're in a r'ship" what would change?
That is exactly how I feel but he doesn't want to admit or call it that. He is exclusive to me and vice versa. He is seeing only me. I've asked that same question and he says no. He is only interested in dating me so once again, what is his holdup on calling it what it may already be?
What would change? I feel more comfortable being more open to him mentally, physically and emotionally. I have a slight guard within me since this entire thing confuses me. He has noticed that in the past and it's preventing me from feeling for him any more than what is safe for me now.
...I love him more than a friend and it kills me that he doesn't want to the same thing I want. Every time, I go back, it still bothers me that a relationship between us doesn't exist. If he doesn't want a relationship, he should come out and say so.
It sounds like you have the burden of expectations (not saying that isn't right, considering the time you've spent together).
When you say things like "it kills me that he doesn't want the same thing I want", perhaps that's a sign that either he ISN'T right for you, or that you're trying too hard to change him.
A relationship DOES exist between you, BTW - just one that you might not be happy with.
It sounds like you have the burden of expectations (not saying that isn't right, considering the time you've spent together).
When you say things like "it kills me that he doesn't want the same thing I want", perhaps that's a sign that either he ISN'T right for you, or that you're trying too hard to change him.
A relationship DOES exist between you, BTW - just one that you might not be happy with.
Thanks for the response SifuPhil. I am not trying to change him, just want a confirmation of what I believe exist between us. He doesn't to want to call it such.
Step 1: The topic is misleading. What you mean to say is, "Why can't men just say what I think they're thinking instead of what they say they're thinking???" In other words, you distrust what he says. That doesn't mean he's not being honest, it means you have a problem in trusting what he says. Call it for what it really is.
Step 2: Why are you hanging around this guy when you knew a long time ago that he wasn't interested in the kind of relationship that you are?
Step 3: Why are you trying to force something out of him that is likely what he doesn't want, if he hasn't given it to you of his own accord by now?
Step 4: Why haven't you sat down and talked this through with him? And if you did, why did you not make a decision to go separate ways, since he didn't give you what you say you want?
Step 5: You said you've been doing "heavy dating" and spent a lot of time with each other and this and that. So what's missing? A verbal affirmation of "we're in a relationship"? What will that do for you? Ultimately nothing, because inside you'll doubt he's telling you the truth (just like you're doing now).
Thanks for the response SifuPhil. I am not trying to change him, just want a confirmation of what I believe exist between us. He doesn't to want to call it such.
Why is that label so important to you...?
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