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First some background: a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence that lead me to believe my wife was having an affair (there had been many clues for months as it was). I brought it to her attention, and after several difficult days she convinced me that I was wrong, that she wanted things to work out, as I did, and the past two weeks were really great and showed promise...until I found out tonight that while I had implicated the wrong guy, she has in fact been having an affair for at least the past 5 months. She says it's not an affair, but that it was something casual...but when she invited him to our house for a weekend when I took the kids on a trip by myself (know I know why she didn't want to come along), when they've had numerous conversations about themselves, a possible future together, when she was getting upset when he didn't call when he said he would, that everything felt so right between them, I think it seems more than just something casual (what the hell does that even mean anyway?)
She told me that it's over between them, that she loves me and that the past two weeks isn't a mirage. Only three weeks ago she was writing her best friend that she is so hung up on this guy; can she possibly be over him that soon and have feelings for me again that quickly?
I still love my wife, and I can forgive her. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the yrs and has been rocky lately. Of course if she's not happy with our marriage she's going to enjoy the attention of a younger man who expresses his interest in her. Forgiving her is one thing, but I don't know if I'm man enough to deal with it. How do you know that even if we stay together, for the kids sake if nothing else, that she's not regretting being with me instead of him? How do you deal with the doubts that when she's kissing or embracing you it's not him that she's thinking about? How do you cope with the jealousy, wondering that when you're away camping with the kids (she rarely comes along) that she's not visiting him? I'd also worry about her calling him whenever we have a disagreement or if things aren't smooth between us at some point. I wish, for her sake and mine, that I could just forget and not worry about these things, but I don't think I'm strong enough.
I still love her, and I don't want to hurt our kids, but I don't know if staying together will be healthy. And I also wonder if she's not just confused now or feeling bad since the last two weeks have been like old times, but deep down she still would rather be with him.
I usually refrain from giving fundamentally life-altering relationship advice to strangers over the internet... but man, it really sounds like it's time to let her go. I'm detecting a pattern where she is starting to figure out that she can walk all over you. If you continue to let her, my guess is she will continue to do it.
At the very least, it's time to get into marriage counseling right now. If she won't go, it's time to hire a lawyer. And do it before you walk out so that you don't walk out in a way that jeopardizes your custody claim when it's time to fight that fight.
I was in the same situation once. My advice...pack her crap and toss it out the front door. Her along with it. The one good thing from all this...she'll cheat on the guy she runs off with...eventually. Just like she did you. It's not a huge amount of revenge...but it does help getting over it happening to you. Quit wasting your time with a cheating spouse. Get her out of your house and move on. Life is way to short to waste trying to "make it work" with a cheating spouse.
What I'm getting from your story is that her sudden change of heart (in your favor) was when presented with her cheating?
I personally don't think having a change of heart when confronted with her cheating is believable...even though obviously you would love to believe her. My suggestion here would be that you two need some serious time in counseling, which will tell you if she's serious about rebuilding what you two have, and will tell her if your marriage is what she really wants versus screwing around and throwing away her family.
Some people get older but never mature. The fact that she brought him into your home shows her lack of respect for all of you. If I were going to guess I'd say if you stay together she will do it again and again. I can't help but wonder if there might be something you did in the past that brought this on or if she came from a single parent home where the mother fat mouthed her ex a lot.
I concur with all that's been said in response to the OP. Save yourself heartache in the future and take measures to teach your children, by example, what a healthy and honest relationship really is. This way, they have a shot at having their own healthy relationships when they are adults.
If you want to make your marriage work, your going to have to TRUST her. It doesn`t sound like you can do that right now. You are filled with all this doubt, and all of these questions like, why, what if, and what happens next? Very understandable after what she has done.
I would also suggest counceling. You need to have her prove herself to you that she is sincere, and truly wants to keep her marriage.
Talk to her, and I mean a heart to heart. Come out and tell her how you feel.
The only additional piece of advice I can give based solely upon what you've said is to gather any evidence you can of what's been happening. Anything at all. Because, when (and not if... I do believe it's when) you decided to leave her, you're probably better off taking the kids. If she's willing to put them a second (on the trip, etc.) for this clown, she'll probably do it for another.
Their welfare has to be first and foremost in your mind right now. I think most women believe the child is better off with the mother, but I can tell you if the roll was reversed, and it was you cheating and having them go on a trip without you while you stayed for a fling, your stuff would be burning in the front yard, and just about every woman on this forum would be telling her to take the kids and run!
But... keeping things in perspective, it's you.. and she showed that neither you nor the kids are the priority in her life right now. That's not to say she's a bad mother... that's only to say she's looking for something in her life that's even more driving that spending time with her kids.
Find the evidence... keep it.... and wish her luck as she goes to find what she's looking for in her life.
What I'm getting from your story is that her sudden change of heart (in your favor) was when presented with her cheating?
I personally don't think having a change of heart when confronted with her cheating is believable...even though obviously you would love to believe her. My suggestion here would be that you two need some serious time in counseling, which will tell you if she's serious about rebuilding what you two have, and will tell her if your marriage is what she really wants versus screwing around and throwing away her family.
This is exactly what happened with my husband. It was when I confronted him that he decided to work things out. It's hard to trust someone who only has a change of heart after geting caught with their pants down. If it were a real change of heart, you'd think they'd have it before they get caught.
Learning to trust again is difficult if not impossible in a case like this. When "I"m sorry" only comes after they're confronted, you have to wonder what it really means.
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