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Old 07-02-2008, 12:03 PM
 
Location: California
202 posts, read 533,592 times
Reputation: 141

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We got married because we wanted to. It really doesn't have to go deeper than that.

We had lived together for a bit by the time I proposed. I just sort of had an epiphany while driving to work one day: I had found a beautiful, smart, and funny woman that I connected with on a deep level, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, up to and including modifying and compromising my own future plans to make sure that they included her. When I proposed, I felt like I was asking if she was prepared to do the same... lucky for me, she was.

As weird as it is, I've always seen the wedding as something for everyone else. I mean, the wedding is all about the bride and groom (well, let's be honest, it's mostly about the bride), but my wife and didn't *need* to get married. We *chose* to make public declarations of love and vows of fidelity in front of our friends and family, so that they could acknowledge, bless, and protect our relationship. We then gave them free food, cake, and liquor, and everybody danced, partied, and used the occasion to meet, reunite, catch up, and celebrate.

I'm pretty horrible at cleaning, but I do all the laundry and yardwork, with occasional dish duty (typically, if I cook, I clean up the kitchen). No kids, but I'll control the gag reflex and do diapers when they come. And to this day, I tell my wife that if she wants to head out to Broadway or get into a touring show, I'll be home waiting when she's done. Just so long as she'll do the same if "the band makes it."
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Old 07-02-2008, 12:41 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,887,460 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AuburnJack View Post
As weird as it is, I've always seen the wedding as something for everyone else.
Me too. My first wedding was 20 people in a restaurant.

For my second wedding, my husband and I had the same thought at the same time: "Let's run away to Vegas." This is because he was living on the west coast, and that way we could drive back east and see the country on our honeymoon. Vegas was a logical choice and sounded like fun.

Fifteen people "ran away with us", LOL...including my DH's parents. (My parents are deceased.) We had a BALL. We decided that we must have an Elvis...I mean you can't do something cheesy like getting married in Vegas without having a cheesy Elvis. Elvis was $150...I can't remember how much the chapel was...not much. I bought my dress for $8 (not a misprint) off eBay and it was BEAUTIFUL. I got so many compliments on it. It was short-ish, and white. My husband bought a wonderfully classy suit which doubled as a business suit later.

Afterward, we all had dinner.

It was the most marvelous wedding in the world.

Our idea was that if we were going to concentrate on anything emotionally, financially and time-wise, it would be the marriage, not the wedding. It was the perfect wedding for us because we were much less about the "pomp" and much more about real life.
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Old 07-02-2008, 02:07 PM
 
Location: S. Florida
1,100 posts, read 3,005,649 times
Reputation: 1443
I am sure there are LOTS of people with long standing, committed and happy relationships who are NOT married. It's not so much that the marriage certificate will "make" a person happy. But it's what it means to that person and or couple. My husband & I both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together as a married couple. Why? Aside from loving one another, as a society, (both culturally and religiously) we wanted to be legally bound together as a married couple.
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Old 07-02-2008, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 8,357,878 times
Reputation: 2979
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
This is a thought that formed from what Jerz and Ivorytickler posted in the "differences between men and women" thread...
//www.city-data.com/forum/4301518-post10.html

I guess the best way to phrase my question is, what good is marriage if you have to submerge your own dreams and hopes? I can understand the Cinderella Syndrome where the sole purpose of getting married is BEING married (as if that's a magical cure for every problem), but for the rest of the real world, if you have to give up what makes you feel alive, what is the purpose?

I realize marriage is essentially an archaic religious custom, and that most people take comfort in such customs. OK.

I also realize the whole idealized "perfect joining" concept is seductive to many. All right.

Now, someone in that thread (Ivory I believe) mentioned the 50% divorce rate, which I believe has a lot of controversy as to its accuracy - I think the stats were massaged the wrong way initially - but the rate is still UP there. So wouldn't that tell you something?

I don't buy the argument that each party has to make sacrifices to make a marriage work. Compromises, perhaps, but not sacrifices. I think that would lead to resentment, which leads to argument, which leads to divorce.

I also don't buy into the "two are stronger than one" concept. Two can be a liability as often as a benefit.

Many say "Oh, we were in love, so it's what you're supposed to do"...really? I must have missed that memo...

So what's with marriage?
Phil do you think maybe that part of the problem especially with men is that their true self only comes out to play when their with men and then their idealized self is out when their around women. I've never been one to hide who I am but I've know guys that acted totaly different around women.
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Old 07-02-2008, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,940 posts, read 21,585,782 times
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Great couple of posts here, folks! It makes it a bit more logical...heh...as if logic has anything to do with love...

Rcm - it very well could be. We all wear masks and shed them at different times for different reasons, and the opposite sex is a powerful enough motivator to put us on our toes.

Of course, I've known some guys that act differently around women, too - but in this case, I'd call it *ssholes. That might be good for a new thread - do you act the same around women as you do around men...
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Old 07-02-2008, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Midwest
1,167 posts, read 1,517,223 times
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I am very sorry for your situation, but I do not feel that I have sacrificed anything for my marriage or for my child(ren). My dreams have evolved to include my husband and our children. Survival of the fittest if you may. I am currently taking night classes along with working full time in order to achieve my dreams and be better able to provide for my husband and our children. Our ultimate goal (both mine and my husband's) is for me to make enough money for him to either be a stay at home father or to get a more relaxing job at a golf course or something equally enjoyable.

If anything ever comes up that could affect our family we sit down and talk about it. Example: Recently my husband was offered a job working nights. It also meant a raise and this is something he has been working towards for the past 5 1/2 years. We sat down and discussed it, even though I had reservations about how it would affect our family, I was very happy and excited for my husband because I knew this was something he really wanted, very badly! We decided he would take the job offer, which would mean by the time our children were in school he would not be working nights anymore.

Neither my husband or I have had to sacrifice anything for each other or our children, we are strong enough and determined enough to make this family work, even if we have to make room for some big dreams! I know that we haven't been married for an extremely long time, but we have been in a relationship for quite some time.

To answer the original question of why do people get married, I think it may have been that my husband really wanted to make sure that the other guys knew not to hit on me. The ring on my finger speaks for him when he is not with me. It's a comfort thing for him I think. (I honestly never wanted to get married AT ALL growing up, I never once pictured the perfect wedding or who I would marry. I guess I was abnormal, but I really enjoyed guys more as friends than anything else). The reason I accepted my husband's proposal was that we already knew that we were going to be together in some way shape or form for the rest of our lives being as we had a child together. We get along wonderfully and are both fully committed to each other. We have our ups and downs, but we have proven throughout the years that we are here through thick and thin, up and down. We are going to have each other's backs no matter what. I think I realized that getting married was the thing to do (after he had already asked me) when we were watching a show about a man who was in an accident and was paralyzed, his wife had to take care of him, bathe him and change his diapers. I asked myself if I would do that for my fiance and to my surprise my answer was yes!
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:11 AM
 
Location: Earth
3,814 posts, read 6,773,329 times
Reputation: 2590
And don't forget, those that stay married just for the longevity are out there as well. In large numbers... "We've been married for 35 years and he's still emotionally abusing me, I've learned to give him his space when he start's the namecalling and that works most of the time, but I don't know how much more I can take"(um 35 years isn't long enough?) Or how about the marriages that have infidelity? "He/she cheated on me a few years back, but we're working it out" Or "We never really talk much, it feels like we're roomates living in the same house, I don't even know who this person is anymore" or "I can't afford a divorce I've worked too hard for my material items, it's cheaper to keep her"


Or she suffers from depression, he's an alcoholic, she's got self esteem issues, he's got anger issues, she's tired, he's stressed, she's anorexic, he's bi polar, she's lazy, he's controlling, she's fat, he's ugly. See? Most married people have major obstacles to overcome, I don't see how they do it. Good luck to those who grin and bear it and I truely respect those who have a harmonious relationship through marriage. It aint' that common. And I also respect those people who get out of abusive relationships in spite of the fear it takes to leave.

Marriage, my friends in today's society is completely screwed up. VERY rarely will you find a harmonious couple. They are out there, yes, but I'll tell you from what I'ved observed the "healthiest" couples I've seen are not legally married. And that is the truth.
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,940 posts, read 21,585,782 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Martha View Post
I am very sorry for your situation, but I do not feel that I have sacrificed anything for my marriage or for my child(ren).
I thank you for your sympathy, but I'm not IN a situation.

As long as you feel you haven't sacrificed anything, then for all intents you haven't, even if you have.
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,940 posts, read 21,585,782 times
Reputation: 8681
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
Marriage, my friends in today's society is completely screwed up. VERY rarely will you find a harmonious couple. They are out there, yes, but I'll tell you from what I'ved observed the "healthiest" couples I've seen are not legally married. And that is the truth.
Excellent response!
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:15 AM
 
Location: West Texas
2,449 posts, read 5,935,052 times
Reputation: 3125
Kind of a digression here... but I think marriages (statistically) would be more effective if they interposed the costs. If marriages were only $60 but divorces ran $50k, we (as a society) just might think a little harder about getting married before we go on a whim after the extremely long 2 year relationship to get to know each other.

*sigh* Then again, knowing today's society, we will probably just see infidelity increase because people will split up and live separate lives since they won't be able to afford the divorce. Oh well... nice idea on paper (but so was Communism).
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