Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My dad was (is) a great dad,but sometimes he wasn't.He loves me alot I know,he has mellowed out with old age.But he was a Jekyll/Hyde.Some of it I attribute to tough love,but he was a very verbally abusing person at times.He would get angry over things I couldn't understand why,a be so very strict specially towards time keeping.I got thrown out of the house at 18 for forgetting to take out the trash.He gave me a $100 bucks,said get out.I was just out of high school.A couple years latter at dinner after trying to reconcile from that he was talking and I wasn't looking at him because I was eating,he got angry and told me to get out of the house again.
I attribute it to drinking,both my mom and dad drank,my mom loved her white wine,my dad his Brandy.My mom was the opposite,very mellow and happy going,somewhat naive to things now that I remember back.
My dad was very verbally abusive to us,yet could be the most loving man.The day my mom died of cancer I know his world fell apart,and I distanced myself from him,I was in my own world when that happened.I know his life revolved around family (us),just don't understand all that anger he had at times,it left scars,as much as his love has left a good impression.
Over time in our latter years we are close again,we talk ever week,he is there for me when I need him,him just being alive gives me comfort.I guess age can mellow a person out sometimes.
One of my best friens Im staying with now,his brothers visited a while ago,we statred talking about old times,they said "we knew if our ball went into your yard we better not go on that lawn o get it.My dad had constant arguments with neighbors.Years latter as the owner of the house those same neighbhors told me "your dad was a tough man".I rember a friend Sean,his parents were going to take me to a vacation for a weekend,they showed up 30 minutes late to get me,my dad yelled at them for being late and wouldn't let me go.My neighbors years latter told me "I remember those screaming arguments we heard coming from your house"I remember to.
But I was adopted,I am nothing.......nothing like him in temperment,I am direct opposite,was that way as a kid and I still am.They say the way you are brought up determines how you will act and be and its true sometimes but in my case mostly not.So why not me?Why am I so easy going,so mellow?
One of my best friends had a hard family life,alot worse than mine as far as anger in the home,in his case it has shown in him to a extent.He grew up in a alchoholic home with lots of anger.He has been a heavy drinker also,in his younger years angry.Now he is mellow,he is a good hearted person but still a heavy drinker.I know his scares run deep,but as a friend I know he would do anything for me,he shows me unconditional love.
They say the things that don't kill you make you tougher,I agree.But I just don't understand why Im so different than my parents despite being brought up in that house.I feel like I kept the good traits I learned like "responsibility","patriotism"," "but the rest I just wouldn't become.........I kept the love parts but my personality just doesn't agree with abuse and anger.I guess Im lucky.Maybe genes do have something to do with it,not just how you are raised.
I think your personality is inherent...meaning your personality is composed by the two people who conceived you. I see it in my children. Regardless how you were brought up, in that kind of household, it is your genes that have kept you from being like your adopted parents. I say you are a very strong person to go through all that, learn from it, yet, maintain your being. Good luck to you!
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 38,774,074 times
Reputation: 7185
When I was in my teens I used to think that there were things that I would never do with my children because of my response to my parents tactics. Sometimes that changes when you have kids. You find yourself becoming your father.
There are studies that have shown that a person's temperment is stable across time, from a very young age. This leads me to believe that some parts of the personality really are inherited. Perhaps you are just more like the people you share genes with rather than the folks you shared a house with.
When I was in my teens I used to think that there were things that I would never do with my children because of my response to my parents tactics. Sometimes that changes when you have kids. You find yourself becoming your father.
yeah so they say,and even though I have no kids to test that theory I can say for a fact that throwing constant abusive words to my kids would never happen.
Yes there may be things to get mad at,but I would never lay my 8 year old kid on the kitichen table and stuff vegetables down the throat because my kid didn't like the food like my dad did me.
I'll never lay so much angry over nothing screaming crap on my kids that will make them feel like a dog that has been beat too much lost it's spirit.I did loose my spirit for a while but gained it back.
Don't get me wrong,in alot of ways my dad was loving,a provider,spent time with me.But there is another side that I don't forget either.Now I hear from him "whatever you do,whatever decision you make I support you,you know whats best for yourself"........would have been nice to hear that years ago.
I have a friend who grew up in the most dysfunctional of families. 3 of the kids turned out just as you'd expect. A 4th EVENTUALLY (after an extended irresponsible period) turned out ok but she's the honor roll student, college grad, successful from the start person.
There are 6 of us in my family and we're all different. Shaped not by our home lives but by a combination of who we are and who our peers were. I have two kids and they're night and day different. Watching my own kids and thinking back to my childhood, I've come to the conclusion that peers are more important than family WRT how you turn out.
Have you ever read the book "The Nurture Assumption"? The author makes the case that kids take from their families only that which helps them in the real world or fits with what their peers accept.
There are six kids in my family. 2 attended public school in a poor area, 4 private school but one dropped out. Telling you that alone, in half an hour, you could figure out which went to which schools and who dropped out. You won't be able to tell birth order. You won't be able to tell whose parents were divorced and whose not. Where we went to school had more to do with how we turned out. Also who we married was a strong influence too.
I'm convinced that if you want your kids to be a certain way (say go to college) what you really need to do is find peers for them who value what you want for them. If their peers think getting pregnant would ba a stupid thing to do they're far less likely to become teen parents than if their peers think having a baby gives you someone to love. They're less likely to get into trouble with drugs (not that they won't try them or use to a certain extent) if they're planning a future including higher education than if they and their peers see no future.
I think our kids are wired to want to break away from family and experience some success in life. I think they will adopt what their peers consider the norm along the way. The only area this seems untrue is religion but religion is considered private. Our peers don't tell us what religion to be. Since they don't, we usually inherit that from family but then inherit a set of peers for whom that religion is right.
Read "The Nurture Assumption" and see if you see yourself in it. I do. I turned out very different than one would have expected given my family background. I think people who turn out different than their family would indicate see what she's saying better. I know family is not the strongest influence for me. I know it's not for my kids too.
Two kids, same parents, same household and yet they are as different as night and day. My youngest naturally falls with a good set of peers. I have to steer my older daughter and it's remarkable how different her behavior is around different peer groups. If she wants to do something with her school friends, I'll gladly spend $4.20/gallon on gas to drive them. If she wants to do something with her neighrborhood friends, we're often busy . I'm stacking the deck.
I don't know if even the genes determine what kind of a person one would be. So often siblings with the same genes raised in the same household turn out to have completely different personalities.
lionking - Your dad sounds similar to my boyfriend's dad and he's an alcoholic too. My own mom was terrible when she drank also. My boyfriend is not very much like his dad. He does get his short fuse from his dad though. I am not like my mom and since my youth, I've consciously made the effort not to be like her. We both understand the power of words, but I use it for good not evil. I don't drink.
Otherwise, in temperament, I am very much like my stepfather. If we get mad, we tend to be quiet, not noisy like my mom is. When my mom gets excited, sometimes she will throw things, we don't. I don't like breaking anything. My stepdad and I also love to think about all things and we love to cook.
I have two younger sisters. We are all different in personality and interests.
When I was in my teens I used to think that there were things that I would never do with my children because of my response to my parents tactics. Sometimes that changes when you have kids. You find yourself becoming your father.
This is why each generation is different. Also why the "generation y" is the way they are. "we" decided that we weren't going to raise our children the way we were raised, so we flourished them with the things we didn't have because our parents worked so hard to make ends meet. We do NOW, but before we didn't. The latter part of the baby boomers really made it hard for children to take responsibility for anything. Therefore, kids today blame everybody for everything, can't take criticism or work extraordinarily hard to achieve. They are cop outs! Another reason why kids are killing kids and everybody else!
One of my friends has an adopted stepsister. My friend, although a bit lazy, is a pretty good guy. His stepsister is a drain on society. She's had 2 kids from two different guys, first one when she was 16, consistently lives off their parents (they raise one of her kids, not sure about the other one), collects welfare which she then spends on getting her nails done and eating fast food every meal. They are about the same age and raised by the same parents at the same time, my friend turned out OK, his stepsister did not. Plain case of nature overcoming nurture.
On another note, as I'm getting older I'm noticing certain parts of my parents personalities and tendencies occurring in me, and I'm starting to look a lot more like my dad. Its really weird, I'm noticing I have a lot of traits in common with my mom that I didn't notice just a few years ago, or I didn't have yet.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. I'm stacking the deck.
