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Hello all, I am so confused by my bf right now I don't know what to think and would appreciate some help.We've been dating for about 8 months now, he has a 4-year-old girl and I have an 8 and 10 year old. He is 35, I am 27. He's been divorced from his wife of 14 years for a little over a year now, but they share custody and talk a few times a day and get a long very well.
I have two problems: First, it bothers me that he is so close to his ex, although I think it is wonderful that they get along and have a good relationship for their daughter. What bugs me is that they share everyday details about each other, like what happened at work today, how their latest doctor visit went, she'll calls him for things like help building her deck even though she has a boyfriend and she knows about me, and he'll go running over every time. He was recently hospitalized for 12 days, and he asked her to get his mail, water his plants, etc. and not me. The first time I actually met her was while he was in the hospital, it was his birthday and he knew I was planning on taking the day off work to spend it with him 2 hours away, and when I got there his ex was there in a chair beside him and I had no idea she was even going to be there. I asked him later why he didn't give me a heads up and he said she called at the last minute saying she was coming up, and he felt bad because he made it awkward for HER, because SHE didn't know I was coming, never apoligizing to me until after I got pissed when he called her that night to apologize for making her uncomfortable. I know I am being jealous, but am I overreacting? I do tend to do that sometimes...
My other problem is that we introduced our kids to each other about a month ago (his idea), trying to make it casual, and we've done things like picnics at the park and kid movie nights a few times, etc. Well, he's been really distant in the last week and he told me yesterday that other people's kids freak him out. (he has stepkids from his ex). I will admit, my kids can be a handful at times, and it IS a different situation than being used to a 4 year old girl by herself. But I asked him to explain himself, and he said he feels like being selfish right now, he loves the situation he has with his daughter when it's just the two of them, and he doesn't want my kids to start looking to him like a father figure. He said he's raised other people's kids, and right now he just wants to focus on his daughter, but he doesn't want to break up with me or stop hanging out with my kids. Mind you, it was HIS idea to introduce the kids, and he occasionally drops hints about moving in together saying things like "I need to move into a bigger house, but I'd better look for a FOUR bedroom, wink wink".
Sorry for rambling, I hope you can get through this novel, and I don't really know what advice I'm looking for, except maybe do you think these are things to worry about, or do you think they're no big deal? Thanks for your input.
From what you have said, I think you should NOT move intogether. He is too close to his ex and hasnt been divorced long enough to be having such a deep relationship with you. He does seem to be open and honest with you, thats a good thing. You need to take a step back, think about what you want out of this relationship and what is good for your kids.
I agree with 2mares. It sounds like he still needs time to disengage from his ex. A marriage of 14 years is probably going to take longer than a yer to move on from. I mean REALLY move on. I think the kid comments are are a red light and the move in comments from him are inappropriate at this point.
I think you are overreacting. Not good in such a really early stage of a relationship.
She will always be a part of his life, since they have kids and share custody. You can not just expect his to completely push her out of his life because you are on the scene. And while I guess some people may think 8 months is a long time, you really have not been in his life very long - at all. They probably are still good friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people just can't make it go as a relationship, but still get along well, and good friendships don't start because Miss Thing comes suddenly into the picture.
As for the hospital thing, well, hello - they were together for 14 years. And as I am sure it was uncomfortable, it is not all about YOU. Its just not. Poor guy that he has to deal with all of this crap when he is in the freakin hospital!
And even though it was his idea, his comments about kids did come after meeting them, and sounds like he was just expressing something he noticed about himself after this meeting happened. Sounds like he is just being honest.
I didn't date men who hated their ex's or had grudges against them, that was only getting caught up in someone elses problem.
I did date a man for awhile that was to deeply involved in his ex's wife life. She couldn't have a thought without calling him to share it with him and she could come up with all sorts of things to buy their son that he needed to pay half on... expensive stuff! It didn't take me long to figure out I came after the ex wife and their son and any chance we had together of a life together was more in her hands than in mine... that "we" as a couple would do without so that the son could have whatever new "toy" she wanted the son to have, a new car or truck, an expensive stero system for it or whatever... I walked away from that relationship. So I know they can be TO deeply involved.
I do know where he is coming from about being step dad to more kids. That is a very important thing when couples get together. I have left relationships after meeting the kids.
Based on your post I dont see any "mixed signals". Doesnt look like he would want you guys living together. I know I would not want someone elses 8 and 10 year old boys living in the same home as my 4 year old daugher. I think its great that he is still friends with his ex wife - this definitely benefits the daughter. You should not have a problem with that nor have a problem with him having her water his plants, check his mail etc. while he's in the hospital. After all, you guys have only been dating for 8 months, he has 14 years of marriage/friendship with his ex so you should understand that.
His saying "I need to look for a bigger house........" does not qualify in my book as dropping a hint. You were just reading too much into this, perhaps wishful thinking on your part?
Just enjoy each others company right now and not worry about any long term anything. What makes him think that your kids would look to him as a "father figure"? Are you children's father(s) around?
They are going to have that relationship for a very long time. Either accept it as being permanent and part of your life if you marry him, or decide you cannot live with that and leave. They are not going to change, and there is no point to asking him to not-be-so-close-to-the-mother-of-your-children.
I think initiating having the kids meet and then stating "other peoples kids freak me out" and he just wants to be with his own kid is sending mixed signals and why would he and his daughter need a 4 bedroom house?
Jesslo,
What does the ex's boyfriend think of the situation?
I'm kind of taken aback that he was MORE concerned about his ex wife being uncomfortable then YOU. WOW.
Lindsey, you know that people sometimes have to deal with their exes, particularly when children are involved. A few days ago I happened to see my ex whom I hadn't seen for a long time. Turned out he lived with somebody and that somebody was telling him to put the phone down when I called once (they weren't even living together at the time). Talking about controlling... Well, obviously I didn't call to ask him on a date and needed to discuss something.
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Well, obviously I didn't call to ask him on a date and needed to discuss something.
