Dating a widower for almost 4 years (wives, boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage)

[star*light]

I've been divorced for almost 6 yrs and have been dating a widower of 10 yrs for the past 3 1/2. We both have teenagers who get along fine. I'm not sure if he wasn't a widower if I would accept some of the things in our relationship. He doesn't see a reason to get our kids together but he wants to marry me someday. I would like the kids to have a better relationship. It is always awkward when we are all together. His kids say he can marry when they go away to college. His family doesn't ask him if he is going to get married because IMO they don't want to share him. They have had him for holidays and everything else for the past 10 yrs. We celebrate Thanksgiving together with his family only because my kids are with their dad. I have told him how I feel and that I think that is selfish of him & his girls and family. I'm not looking for a husband but don't think it is right that our relationship is dictated by everyone else's wants and time frame. There are no pictures of me in his office at work or visible in the main portion of his home (there is one in his bedroom). I thought I wanted to marry this man but have doubts now. My doubts are rooted in his lack of committment. He talks about things we'll do in 20 years together. Go figure. Anyone think he can he really commit?

[Huckleberry3911948]

maybe marriage was not a trip to disneyland last time. he probably suspects his kids will try to sabatoge it and he is probably right.
the problem with older guys is they lack that fresh blank sheet of paper quality that allows women to shape and form them. he may even have notions about who and what he is already. it may not be lack of committment, it may be maturity.

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948

maybe marriage was not a trip to disneyland last time. he probably suspects his kids will try to sabatoge it and he is probably right.
the problem with older guys is they lack that fresh blank sheet of paper quality that allows women to shape and form them. he may even have notions about who and what he is already. it may not be lack of committment, it may be maturity.

Huckeberry,

It's late tonight Midnight PST. You must be on the west coast. I agree with your post BTW

[banger]

As a widower myself,

Let me opine some "twisted" logic.

I his mind he might love you and want to be with you. However, there can possibly be a feeling that if he commits to you, he has somehow discounted his first marriage.

Huckleberry stated that perhaps his first marriage was not "Disneyland". While true, perhaps it was, and it is the memory he is trying to protect.

You see I too suffer. I suffer not from a bad marriage but from a good one. In 22 years of marriage, I would never stray. Just because she is not here does not seem to change this fact.

For me, it has been just over 4 years. If you were to meet me, you would probably like me. Perhaps you would find me charming and fun. Understand however, on my dark side, I can not allow a true opening into my soul at this time.

Let me close this before I get too morose, I MISS MY WIFE EVERY DAY.

[The Man in SATX]

Although I understand where you are coming from Banger... I do not agree with the way you are handling your wives death. I can almost bet.. (since you say you all had a great marriage) that your wife would not like to see you in your current state of missing her. If she were looking down on you right now what do you think she would be telling you? Probably to move on and be happy with your life on earth.. Sooner or later you will meet her up there. Although your marriage was a great one.. it does not mean to suffer the rest of your life in her memory.

Remember her never forget what you had, but for your self you need to move on...

In response to the OP. Your man.. is selfish.. plain and simple. He should not have commited to anything (not that he has) even a Boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if nothing was going to come of it. He is merely stringing you along.. for what reason? Hell I dont know.. but I know for sure it isnt nice. Drop his butt and move on to the next person.. maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee and figure out there is more to life ..

Dont get me wrong.. kids are great.. but to make a decision based on your kids (especially when they drop your butt as soon as they turn 18 and are no longer left at home, what does he have left then?) is not logical. Sooner or later this guy needs to put his needs in front of his children's needs. If he isnt ready to do that .. then you need to get on your horse and ride into the sunset and find someone who is willing to commit...

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by star*light

I've been divorced for almost 6 yrs and have been dating a widower of 10 yrs for the past 3 1/2. We both have teenagers who get along fine. I'm not sure if he wasn't a widower if I would accept some of the things in our relationship. He doesn't see a reason to get our kids together but he wants to marry me someday. I would like the kids to have a better relationship. It is always awkward when we are all together. His kids say he can marry when they go away to college. His family doesn't ask him if he is going to get married because IMO they don't want to share him. They have had him for holidays and everything else for the past 10 yrs. We celebrate Thanksgiving together with his family only because my kids are with their dad. I have told him how I feel and that I think that is selfish of him & his girls and family. I'm not looking for a husband but don't think it is right that our relationship is dictated by everyone else's wants and time frame. There are no pictures of me in his office at work or visible in the main portion of his home (there is one in his bedroom). I thought I wanted to marry this man but have doubts now. My doubts are rooted in his lack of committment. He talks about things we'll do in 20 years together. Go figure. Anyone think he can he really commit?

Children who have lost one parent, do not like to share the other. Think about it. Your kids always have a parent. Either you or their father. That's all his kids want. To always have a parent. They want the same thing your kids have only they can't have it in the way your kids have it. They only have their dad. And no, they don't want to share him.

You OTOH, have all this free time when your kids are with their dad that you'd like to take from them so you can be with him and he with your family. My suggestion is look at what his kids have been through and have a little compassion.

How long until his kids go off to college? Is it unreasonable to ask that you wait until then? If not, then be prepared to integrate yourself into their lives not them into yours. They've already lost their mom. If you come in and start deleting parts of their lives, it will be met with rejection.

If you do try, remember that to only give them the holidays where you don't have your kids is really unfair since you are really givng up less because your kids wouldn't be there anyway. You'll need to split the holidays you do have your kids between the familys. So plan on few family outings for you until the kids are gone.

I'll be honest, I am glad my dad never remarried after mom died. I can't imagine not having him at half of our family functions because he remarried. The pain of losing mom binds my family like glue. Anyone coming and trying to chip a crack in that would have been met with hostility. She would have had to have integrated herself into his life not asked him to take away from his life with us.

[Annemieke Roell]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I'll be honest, I am glad my dad never remarried after mom died. I can't imagine not having him at half of our family functions because he remarried. The pain of losing mom binds my family like glue. Anyone coming and trying to chip a crack in that would have been met with hostility. She would have had to have integrated herself into his life not asked him to take away from his life with us.

I think it is very selfish to put your own feelings ahead of your father.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Schousse

I think it is very selfish to put your own feelings ahead of your father.

May I ask how old you were when your mother/father died? If you have not walked where I have walked, you have no business passing judgement.

No, dad didn't want to remarry. Had he wanted to, we would have simply walked away and let him have his new life with his new lady. I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of it but if it were what he wanted, I would have just taken a job in another state and let him be.

I'm glad dad never wanted to remarry. I'm glad the losses for our family stopped when mom died. That they didn't go on to a new step mom, sharing him with her family, her kids, whatever....

If you've burried a parent, you know that that experience cements your family. We were bound by a shared pain and needed each other to get through that. It's not selfish to say I'm glad my dad didn't add insult to injury by finding someone to replace mom. I'm glad we had him at all of our holiday functions not just the half his new wife would let him attend. He was at every Christmas, Thanksgiving, grand child's birthday party, 4th of July celebration.

I'm sorry but kids just shouldn't have to share their parents. Not minor children and not adult children. It's not selfish to want what others have. Had mom not died, we wouldn't have had to have shared dad with anyone. He wouldn't have missed any holidays to be with mom's replacement. Why is it selfish to want what other kids have? A family not divided because a stranger moved in?

[CA4Now]

Originally Posted by The Man in SATX

Your man.. is selfish.. plain and simple. He should not have commited to anything (not that he has) even a Boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if nothing was going to come of it. He is merely stringing you along.. for what reason? Hell I dont know.. but I know for sure it isnt nice......Dont get me wrong.. kids are great.. but to make a decision based on your kids (especially when they drop your butt as soon as they turn 18 and are no longer left at home, what does he have left then?) is not logical.

I disagree. Obviously the man is seeking companionship and enjoys the OP's company. But I think it's very common for anyone who's been in a long term relationship--widowed or divorced--to be reluctant to enter marriage to someone else, especially when they have children from the original union. (And who's to say that most kids "drop your butt" at 18?) The OP appears to want a permanent commitment, however, so it does seem that she may not be able to find it in this relationship.

[bluegrassgirl]

Originally Posted by banger

As a widower myself,

Let me opine some "twisted" logic.

I his mind he might love you and want to be with you. However, there can possibly be a feeling that if he commits to you, he has somehow discounted his first marriage.

Huckleberry stated that perhaps his first marriage was not "Disneyland". While true, perhaps it was, and it is the memory he is trying to protect.

You see I too suffer. I suffer not from a bad marriage but from a good one. In 22 years of marriage, I would never stray. Just because she is not here does not seem to change this fact.

For me, it has been just over 4 years. If you were to meet me, you would probably like me. Perhaps you would find me charming and fun. Understand however, on my dark side, I can not allow a true opening into my soul at this time.

Let me close this before I get too morose, I MISS MY WIFE EVERY DAY.

Knowing a widower very well myself, I believe these feelings and sentiments explain things very well. It is totally different being involved with a man who is divorced vs one who is widowed. Two totally different situations. Despite whatever challenges involved with dating a married man, dating a widower is much more difficult. An ex is around and can often remind (unintentionally) a man why he's not with her. A widower can't remember any shortcomings... only that he and kids lost someone they love. He is often very hesitant to try and change this part of their lives. It's a difficult dating scenario.