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Every post I've read thus far that begins with "I totally trust my man, but..." comes loaded with subsequent examples of how they don't trust them. They don't want their man lusting after someone else. They don't want their man to be hustled or looked down on. Et cetera.
If you trusted your SO, why can't they make their own decisions about what will or will not reflect poorly on them, and on your relationship?
Like anything else in a relationship, it all boils down to communication, and accepted guidelines. Many men have no interest in that sort of thing... great! Many men are addicted to strip clubs... bad news, don't date them. The vast majority of the rest of us don't habitually go to such places, but are certainly not adverse to looking at naked women. Believe it or not, it is possible to acknowledge this, and still have a healthy and loving relationship. We fantasize about pretty girls we see with their clothes on, too, you may be surprised to find. And anyone who tells you they never have sexual thoughts about anyone other than their spouse... man or woman... is lying.
In any event, if my wife demanded that I not go to a strip club during a friend's bachelor party, I'd want to talk about it and make sure I knew why. "Because I don't want you to" or "I can't explain, I just don't like them" is not a good enough reason. I've been in that sort of relationship before, and no matter how much you try to qualify it, that's emotional manipulation born of insecurity, pure and simple.
If it's because she'd think less of me and my moral fiber if I did... well, she wouldn't, but if were dating someone who would back in my single days, I'd re-evaluate that relationship, since I'm not the kind of person that takes kindly to those sorts of judgments (some men don't mind and even encourage them, though, and that's fine. I'm just not one of them.).
Any other reason pretty much boils down to communication. If she's afraid I'll do something to hurt our relationship, I would reassure her that I had no interest in leaving her for someone who is just trying to drain my wallet that night. And if she's just not comfortable with the idea, even though she knows I'm not going to do anything wrong... well, then I wouldn't go, because I love her and respect her feelings. I certainly wouldn't hold any hard feelings about that, either, because she's more important than a bachelor party.
My point is this, though... how is "I don't want him to go, even though I know he won't do anything wrong" any less selfish than "I want to go, even though she doesn't want me to?" Both are selfish, and neither is rational. What happens next is solely determined by the level of trust and respect in the relationship, and obviously, what works for one couple doesn't for another. Like someone else said, a relationship is still two individuals (a healthy one, at least).
Every post I've read thus far that begins with "I totally trust my man, but..." comes loaded with subsequent examples of how they don't trust them. They don't want their man lusting after someone else. They don't want their man to be hustled or looked down on. Et cetera.
If you trusted your SO, why can't they make their own decisions about what will or will not reflect poorly on them, and on your relationship?
Like anything else in a relationship, it all boils down to communication, and accepted guidelines. Many men have no interest in that sort of thing... great! Many men are addicted to strip clubs... bad news, don't date them. The vast majority of the rest of us don't habitually go to such places, but are certainly not adverse to looking at naked women. Believe it or not, it is possible to acknowledge this, and still have a healthy and loving relationship. We fantasize about pretty girls we see with their clothes on, too, you may be surprised to find. And anyone who tells you they never have sexual thoughts about anyone other than their spouse... man or woman... is lying.
In any event, if my wife demanded that I not go to a strip club during a friend's bachelor party, I'd want to talk about it and make sure I knew why. "Because I don't want you to" or "I can't explain, I just don't like them" is not a good enough reason. I've been in that sort of relationship before, and no matter how much you try to qualify it, that's emotional manipulation born of insecurity, pure and simple.
If it's because she'd think less of me and my moral fiber if I did... well, she wouldn't, but if were dating someone who would back in my single days, I'd re-evaluate that relationship, since I'm not the kind of person that takes kindly to those sorts of judgments (some men don't mind and even encourage them, though, and that's fine. I'm just not one of them.).
Any other reason pretty much boils down to communication. If she's afraid I'll do something to hurt our relationship, I would reassure her that I had no interest in leaving her for someone who is just trying to drain my wallet that night. And if she's just not comfortable with the idea, even though she knows I'm not going to do anything wrong... well, then I wouldn't go, because I love her and respect her feelings. I certainly wouldn't hold any hard feelings about that, either, because she's more important than a bachelor party.
My point is this, though... how is "I don't want him to go, even though I know he won't do anything wrong" any less selfish than "I want to go, even though she doesn't want me to?" Both are selfish, and neither is rational. What happens next is solely determined by the level of trust and respect in the relationship, and obviously, what works for one couple doesn't for another. Like someone else said, a relationship is still two individuals (a healthy one, at least).
That is very true. Just because the woman does not believe in stripbars or is not appreciative of such places does NOT mean that she could go on and tell her SO/ husband that he should FOLLOW her lead. To me, that's control. If a woman HAS to end up telling the man that she doesn't appreciate of such places and would NOT want him to go to one, well... I smell trouble already there. But sadly enough, there are women that actually think it's fine to control their men that way.... how did our society become this way?
In such a scenario, even though the husband is making some adjustments by and through not participating in such events, does it necessarily mean that the wife is now controlling the husband or doesn't trust him? Or is it simply a sign of a healthy relationship in which two adults determine that respect for each other and sensitivity to the feelings and opinions of their partner is important?
What if the verdict was reversed, and the wife was the one to make some adjustments while the husband goes to the strip club with his friends? Is that still a healthy relationship, or an insensitive husband?
My gut reaction (and my suspicion of many others' reactions) is the latter, and seeing as how the situation is exactly the same, I'm forced to wonder why.
What if the verdict was reversed, and the wife was the one to make some adjustments while the husband goes to the strip club with his friends? Is that still a healthy relationship, or an insensitive husband?
My gut reaction (and my suspicion of many others' reactions) is the latter, and seeing as how the situation is exactly the same, I'm forced to wonder why.
Fair enough reversal there. Honestly, I don't know. In a way I guess if I'm being honest it would be appear to be a case of insensitivity on the part of the husband. Reason behind my logic is because it is still the wife that voiced her dislike and preference and the husband still placed something that should be insignificant, as in not a life or death situation or a crucial thing as taking a job promotion etc, above his wife's feelings. Unless it was an addiction of his or something, then to him it may feel as a crucial decision to make.
Now, I am not being unfair in my opinion in this. Looking at another reversal of the same situation. Should it have been the husband the voiced his objection to the same and it was the wife that went anyway, I would then see her as being the insensitive one for the same reasons.
Guess because I see going to such places as something that is not a "need" a person may have, or at least that they shouldn't have, choosing to put it above your partner's feelings on the issue kinda says a lot. Whether it's a male or a female doing so.
Guess because I see going to such places as something that is not a "need" a person may have, or at least that they shouldn't have, choosing to put it above your partner's feelings on the issue kinda says a lot. Whether it's a male or a female doing so.
Makes sense. And I certainly wouldn't demand to go to the club anyway if my wife asked me not to. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of how it's just as disrespectful to assume that going to a strip club is tantamount to infidelity, weak ethics, or disregard for your spouse's feelings, according to some posts... we all seem to agree that we are with our respective spouses because our value systems match, and I personally am not too big on strip clubs, but I still feel like the only reason to "forbid" a spouse from going to one is about trust. Either the dude is untrustworthy to begin with, or his wife isn't comfortable with what might transpire when naked women start touching him. That's not necessarily insecurity, but it's still a trust issue.
Makes sense. And I certainly wouldn't demand to go to the club anyway if my wife asked me not to. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of how it's just as disrespectful to assume that going to a strip club is tantamount to infidelity, weak ethics, or disregard for your spouse's feelings, according to some posts... we all seem to agree that we are with our respective spouses because our value systems match, and I personally am not too big on strip clubs, but I still feel like the only reason to "forbid" a spouse from going to one is about trust. Either the dude is untrustworthy to begin with, or his wife isn't comfortable with what might transpire when naked women start touching him. That's not necessarily insecurity, but it's still a trust issue.
Jack, I was totally with you on your post until that last part.....touching him?? Or did you mean just dancing for him? LOL
Location: Mableton, GA USA (NW Atlanta suburb, 4 miles OTP)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
2 - To you, if you do attend such things and don't mind your SO doing so, is it in your opinion based on higher trust levels, or simply because you don't mind such events yourself.
This would be me, but my wife and I have known a number of people (male and female) who worked as dancers in the past, so that biases us a little. Then again, different clubs can have very different vibes, and there are some I don't have much interest in.
I do believe letting her go off to such places once in a while is a measurement of trust levels, but in our case the fact that my wife and I have similar interests (women) make it a lot easier when we go together -- comparing notes can be fun. We went to a male/female strip club this past Valentine's Day. How's that for strange? Mostly because we thought the idea is funny (kind of along the same lines as the year we ate turkey TV dinners for Thanksgiving).
Communication in a good marriage should be enough to let both spouses know how the other one would react, say your husbands friend ask him if he wanted to go to a strip club. The husband should say," Naaa, we just aren`t into that scene, but she wouldn`t mind if we spent the day fishing.
Or... your wifes friend has invited her to a bachlorette party or even to the strip club with men, she should say, no thanks. We just aren`t into that, but I bet we could go shopping all day. LOL
Makes sense. And I certainly wouldn't demand to go to the club anyway if my wife asked me not to. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of how it's just as disrespectful to assume that going to a strip club is tantamount to infidelity, weak ethics, or disregard for your spouse's feelings, according to some posts... we all seem to agree that we are with our respective spouses because our value systems match, and I personally am not too big on strip clubs, but I still feel like the only reason to "forbid" a spouse from going to one is about trust. Either the dude is untrustworthy to begin with, or his wife isn't comfortable with what might transpire when naked women start touching him. That's not necessarily insecurity, but it's still a trust issue.
I guess that is kind of where we disagree. I fail to see it as a trust issue. See if my husband insisted on going, which I know he wouldn't, my issue would be with the lack of regard towards my feelings on it. Not because I don't trust him, but because I just don't feel it is necessary or appropriate. Fortunately, this is a subject my husband and I have discussed prior to marriage and I know that it won't come up. But I am speaking hypothetically here.
If he went, I'd still be very confident that he wouldn't do something that betrayed my trust. It's not that I think he would be unfaithful or that he wouldn't have enough self-control to handle a situation if a girl was trying to grind up all on him while naked. Truthfully, if it were a trust issue and if I had such concern, the reality is that the lack of trust and the concern would be present whether it was his going to a strip club, or his telling me that he is going to the men's bible group study. Lack of trust is just that, lack of trust, and I just don't see how it ties in to or is equated to a spouse not wanting their spouse to go to such clubs or parties.
This is why I don't agree with when people say that for a spouse to have an issue with going to these things is symbolic of lack of trust or insecurity. Sometimes it has to do with neither of those things, but is merely a view or opinion on those activities where they are found distasteful, inappropriate, and unnecessary.
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We went to a male/female strip club this past Valentine's Day. How's that for strange? 
Mostly because we thought the idea is funny (kind of along the same lines as the year we ate turkey TV dinners for Thanksgiving). 
