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A few months ago, I found out my BF cheated on me, for 6 months. His "girlfriend" found an email I had sent to him, and called me to tell me to leave him alone. I was floored. I told her I wasn't an ex-, that he and I were engaged, etc. She proceeded to tell me everything, and I mean everything. I didn't want to listen to it, but for some reason I was paralyzed and heard all of the lies he told me.
After a long two months, and soul-searching, he and I are going to try again. But my problem is the events coming up that I have to face that I don't know if I can.
For example, his brother's b-day party. I was out of town last year, and found out he took her. How can I face that and all of those people? And there is a large museum celebration we go to each year. Last year for some reason he didn't want to go and I never second-guessed it. But he went - with her. Not to mention all of the restaurants and clubs he took her to.
I just don't want to go anywhere near these places - I'm scared of my reaction. Do I take a chance and go and maybe have a good time? Or do I just write these places off?
It's just not fair. So much has been taken away from me, and now it feels like I have to start all over again.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Personally I dont know why you would want him or trust him. But. Why would YOU be ashamed. Im assuming nobody knows all the sordid details but the two of you. They will probably just think he has a new girl friend. Either that or they'll think hes cheating on her.
I think you have to ask yourself why are you giving him another chance?
Reading what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you are ready to go back.
If you do go back, you're going to have to find a way to put this out of your mind.
How long have you been together? Cheating for 6 months is a long time. Did he give you a reason that he cheated?
I wouldn't give him another chance if it happened to me. I was reading Cosmo, it's an issue from last year that said there are different reasons that people cheat. If something was missing from the relationship, you have to learn from it and try to move on. I couldn't.
oh no!!!
he cheated on you and you are going to go through the marriage ?
this is a talk show episode waiting to happen. its not like you are already married and trying to work it out. you have no legal ties! you deserve better than to put yourself through this.
let this man go. and let yourself find the love of your life---
Sounds like you had a crushing blow/stabed in the back. From my experience, you'll never trust him 100%. You'll always wonder if he's doing what he said he was going to do. Life is too short to live like that.
You may think there is no one else you'd rather be with, but that special someone will come along.
The guy is a jerk, take the engagement ring and shove it right up his ___. Then give him a bottle of lotion, cause he's gonna need it.
Good luck, and I wish you the best.....and it's not him.
If you were married, I'd say if you feel you can find it within yourself to forgive him, if he seems really remorseful over it, and you both can agree to maybe go to some marriage counseling, then maybe you should try to work it out.
However, you are not married. This was a 6 month affair he was having. Not a one time thing. There obviously was more involved here than soley a sexual relationship. I mean he took this girl places, even to his family gatherings. I don't know that I would be as quick to forgive that and I would definately have an extremely difficult time ever trusting this person again.
I can understand how you are feeling. Been there, done that. In one situation it was not even as bad, it was more a cyber cheating that was taking place, but that was enough to destroy the trust I had and ruin the relationship. In another situation, it too took place for a couple months, however, it was solely a sexual thing, there was no outings, no taking her to family events, or even being out in public with her. Regardless, it still destroyed the trust tremendously.
I tried the route of forgiving, considering the remorse expressed, however it is not an easy route, and the time that I did that, I had a lot invested. In the end it didn't work out for some other reasons while maybe even still associated in away to the same reason. I would suggest you really think about this. Ask yourself if this relationship is really worth trying to save, or if you are better off cutting your loses and being free to find a man that will love you for you and value not only you but your relationship. I would also be really honest with yourself in regards to whether or not you can truly forgive him. See you will never forget it, but truly forgiving means you will work to be at the place where you won't bring this up at every fight, or even every doubt. Can you do that? If you can't, don't waste your time because it is just not going to work. You are just going to end up miserable and hating each other.
Considering you are not married, again, my suggestion is to let this go. If he did this now, and to that blatant level of disrespecting you, there is no telling how many other times he has done this, and definately no telling that he may not do this again to you once you are married. I think this is just a clear sign of a major problem in the relationship, and you are not even married yet. I mean think about it, if she had not contacted you, would it still even be going on. I mean it's not like he came and sat you down and said "hey honey, I did something horrible, feel like crap about it and I just gotta confess it to you and if you hate me I understand but I can't live with myself holding this secret from you, I just want you to know I love you and hope we can work through this"... no that's not how it went down, you busted him. That makes a big difference right there. For all you know, had you not found out, he may have even chosen to be with her the night before you two shared your "I Do's". Can you live with that?
Had a similar situation, and I too chose to forgive. He's really been trying so hard, and is remorseful. At the time this happened to me, we were a long-distance relationship. If he had told me, as mari4him suggested, it wouldn't have been so bad.
I feel awful for still having doubts and still maybe not giving this relationship its full potential - I'm still holding back a part of me. Not on purpose, believe me. But I ache deep down. I surely don't want to punish him, I just want to get over it. But forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, as much as I wish it did.
Mine really is a good man - he's made a lot of changes to himself that I appreciate. I hope one day all of what I now feel is in the past.
eyeofthestorm - you've been given some good advice, but only you can decide what's best for you. And you might make another mistake with whatever decision you make. Just remember that nothing happens overnight. The affair didn't, and the consequences and healing won't.
It sounded like he wanted to live a double life...I do not think this is a great foundation on which to start a marriage. Frankly, I know I'd always have that betrayal on my mind and would not give him a 2nd chance.
Obbviosly, you are going to do what you want, but I don't think this guy has your best interests at heart.
Also, just as an outside observer, if you cannot handle going places where he may have taken his "ex", than, I would hold off on getting into this "relationship" again.
I mean think about it, if she had not contacted you, would it still even be going on. I mean it's not like he came and sat you down and said "hey honey, I did something horrible, feel like crap about it and I just gotta confess it to you and if you hate me I understand but I can't live with myself holding this secret from you, I just want you to know I love you and hope we can work through this"... no that's not how it went down, you busted him. That makes a big difference right there. For all you know, had you not found out, he may have even chosen to be with her the night before you two shared your "I Do's". Can you live with that?
I think about this all the time. What would have happened? I really think it would still be going on. He says he just wasn't that into her but I think his actions say something different.
I love him but I hate him too. We're not engaged any more just taking it one step at a time. I just can't find the strength to get rid of him.
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