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Thanks for everyone's response. I did call him and we talked. I trust him, and know he was only trying to be a good friend. I am sure most of you are smirking right now thinking I am naive, but I know there is 'nothing' going on.
He apologized profusely, realizing how stupid he was. He has never cheated on me, or given me and reason to think he would. It will take us time to work through this.....
That's nice.
But just in case...set up your own bank account and put yourself some money back. You never know.
He realized all the somewhat awful things she said to me, and swore her off as a friend. Of course this never happened.
Needless to say over the years her marriage has been in trouble. It finally exploded. So he emailed her (didn't tell me) inviting her to meet him, and he would pay for it.
I know it is very innocent, and there is nothing going on. I am just hurt beyond belief for many reasons. That he invited her not telling me, offered to pay when we are broke and knows I am insanely jealous of her.
I feel like an idiot snooping, and know that nothing would happen between them, they are only friends.....
Most people wouldn't bother to snoop unless they had a gut feeling something is wrong in the relationship, so be kinder to yourself on that front.
Sounds to me like you are really trying to convince yourself that nothing is going on........hmmm.....
First off, he flat out lied to you when he swore off her friendship, then continued to sneak behind your back to continue it (in essence choosing her over you). How long did he hide this from you? Would a normal person lie and hide things from their spouse if it were perfectly innocent? Come on, use your common sense.
He thinks it is ok to cause you, his wife, heartache and financial stess to run to the rescue of an old love, who just now happends to be single, in the guise of comforting her just because she's his friend (who, don't forget, hates his wife)????? I'm sorry, but what is wrong with this picture????? Would he think this behavior is ok if it were you and an old lover???
Girl, I have been in a very similar situation....please consider doing whatever it takes to find your self esteem and find to strength to stand up for yourself. He has no right to treat someone he claims to love that way, and it is ludicrous for him to expect you to sit home and take it. You have to love yourself enough to draw the line. If you were really secure in his love for you there would be no reason for jealousy (or snooping). Had you considered counseling? Sometimes if they hear that their behavior is unacceptable from a unbiased party it hits home.
Unless, of course, you are looking for an out, cause honey, if you are, here it is. Just a stranger's opinion, of course. As a side note, please don't lay the blame on yourself for his behavior, you are in no way responsible. Tell yourself that a million times a day until you belive it, because it's true.
Last edited by lyoness; 08-09-2008 at 07:06 PM..
Reason: spelling
I would not discuss this with him when he comes home. I would be such a loving wife and pay him a surprise visit. Just couldn't stand to be away from him that long. Be sure to remove at least half of the cash from your joint account to your personal account before you leave.
I would not discuss this with him when he comes home. I would be such a loving wife and pay him a surprise visit. Just couldn't stand to be away from him that long. Be sure to remove at least half of the cash from your joint account to your personal account before you leave.
I like your answer much better!!!!! I say take NCN advise! (Actually what I did was more along those lines) but Girl sounded like she was lacking a little self esteem.
Hubby left for a business trip today, and I found an email of his (yes I was snooping) inviting an old friend to meet him. So here is the back story....
He had a crush on a girl in college for years. Nothing ever came of it. Hubby and I met years later, and have been married for over a decade. He and the girl still remained friends over the years. This girl, was never really pleasant to me, and made many backhanded comments to me.
Honestly, I am very jealous of her, and he knows this. He realized all the somewhat awful things she said to me, and swore her off as a friend. Of course this never happened.
Needless to say over the years her marriage has been in trouble. It finally exploded. So he emailed her (didn't tell me) inviting her to meet him, and he would pay for it. As I am typing this, I am getting much more angry.
I know it is very innocent, and there is nothing going on. I am just hurt beyond belief for many reasons. That he invited her not telling me, offered to pay when we are broke and knows I am insanely jealous of her.
So, yeah I guess I am really upset. But question if I should even approach him, I feel like an idiot snooping, and know that nothing would happen between them, they are only friends.....
I consider everything in bold to be red flags.
1. He had a crush on her for years. Are you sure it was just a crush. For years? We've seen on this board that people can harbor unrequieted love/crushes for 20 years.
2. They're still friends. Now this in itself isn't a problem, but they've been good enough friends that he know details about her troubled and finally ended marrage. She knows about you and has made unflattering comments!?! That's strictly a sign of jealousy on her part. If she had no emotional connect to him at all other than friends, she never would have made backhanded comments about you UNLESS you gave her reason to. (Not that I think this; I'm just trying to explain my thought process). Any idea why she makes these comments about you? And how do you know this? Did your husband tell you? That would be pretty damn insensitive.
3. Your jealous of her. Why? He married you and allegedly got nowhere with her. Even if she's strikingly beautiful, successful, and the kindest woman on earth, there should be no reason on earth that you would be jealous of her unless your husband is giving you reason to be.
4. My biggest issue; My issue is not so much that he agreed to meet her (true friends can do that), and not even that he didn't tell you (to spare your feelings or prevent dealing with your wrath). My issue is that he paid her way. I don't care how nice someone is. There's NO WAY that a man is going to pay for a woman to meet him without at least some hope of an "encounter". I don't care is this woman is suicidal. He can be her friend from a distance.
5. and know that nothing would happen between them, they are only friends..... Yeah, for now. All it takes is one tear, one touch, the right sentence, or a reminisce. He's hoping. Seriously. He's hoping.
6. He has lied to you numerous times about this woman. If there was nothing to worry about, he wouldn't have lied. He may even be lying to himself about his feelings and intentions.
Something else going on here. You don't mention how your marriage is. However, he doesn't trust you and you don't trust him. Get some counseling and work through this trust thing or the marriage is toast.
I am wondering if there are children involved in this? If not, I would say a big shopping spree is overdue and be sure the credit card is his responsibility. And do show up looking great, but be ready for surprises to you with a camera. Men appreciate women who cost them money. I don't know why, it just makes them think we are worth more. Some men will take you for granted as long as you let them, so don't let them. Do not accept any talking down to you. Come back here, and we will help you with self esteem. You ARE worth it!
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I say take NCN advise! (Actually what I did was more along those lines) but Girl sounded like she was lacking a little self esteem.
