Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am not being defensive, I just want to clarify. This girl is not a homewrecker. I don't want to go in to details, just in case someone who knows her/us reads it.
But, the 'friend' in question did nothing to wreck her marriage, it was her husband.
I agree, I should have had more of a backbone and said something to her, but I am not good with confrontation.
Trish, I am confused, that is why I sound so confused
Not that I would totally agree with calling her a homewrecker persay... bottom line is I don't believe anyone can be a homewrecker but the spouse that steps outside the marriage and causes it to be messed up in the first place. The other party is just a participant in the events, in my opinion. But reality is the outsider is not the one with vows to uphold.
Having said that, I think when people are refering to her as a homewrecker, it is not in regards of her marriage that they are speaking of, it is in regards to your marriage. The fact that she knows there is animosity to some extent, jealousy, issues, comments exchanged between the two of you and that you are not comfortable with your husband and her having a "friendship", is what I think people are referring too.
I understand you are confused, but I have to agree that it is coming across now like you spoke to him on the phone, he told you a little explanation and apologized and now all is fine and dandy to the point of defending this woman. I don't get that, sorry.
The fact remains that explanation, apology or not, they both still went behind your back to set up this "meeting". That is just not kosher. Period. So your husband apologizes and gives an explanation and now supposedly they didn't meet up, but honestly, I'm sorry but my trust in him would somewhat be shattered quite a bit already at this point. I would be thinking, He went behind my back already once that I know of, why should I believe that he is not continuing to do so.
I mean seriously, he probably figured you are upset, what's he gonna do, make it worse and say "yeah by the way we are going for dinner and drinks in an hour". I don't know call me skeptical but just doesn't jive with me too well. But then again, you know your hubby better, whereas I don't know him at all. I'm merely speaking from experience and wisdom learned through the hard knocks of life.
I also don't get how if you already handle all the finances, how on earth was he to pay for this trip and her expenses without you finding out about it anyway. Unless he's got some money stashed away in some other manner or is using some credit card or something you are not aware of. It just doesn't make sense to me then all the secrecy if you would see the extra expenses and no doubt question it because according you, you guys are broke, therefore I would think every penny is pretty much accounted for.
I agree with what another poster said.. you did come here and post this, venting or not, seeking advice or not... and yeah we do tend to come back and respond by telling it as it is according to how we see it and based on our experiences. No one is gonna tell you what to do, I just think everyone is telling you to watch out and don't be so quick to buy into an excuse... because there definately is something thats kinda fishy about how all this went down to begin with.
DH and I discussed this situation and we both feel that your husband is not playing straight with you. Here is a woman who is feeling emotionally vulnerable and rejected because her marriage just tanked...and what does she do? She calls the one man who she knows has harbored an attraction for her for years in the past. What better person to make her feel special when she's feeling unloved. Hmmm. Anyhow, doesn't this woman have any other friends in her life??? Why can't she have her emotional breakdown session with one of her local friends? Unmarried girlfriends perhaps??
And of course she can't feel better through a phone call. She has to MEET your husband in person while he's staying in a hotel away from home. Is she flying in and out in the same day, or does she also have a room? Is your husband paying for this room too?
I'm sorry but I think your husband is trying to play the white knight to the wounded damsel and he's got a little emotional rescue fantasy going on. I'm sure he's even denying his motivations to himself because it'll make him feel less guilty but this has hinky written all over it. This is NOT an error in judgement on his part. He knows you and she don't get along and you've asked for this friendship to be severed (rightly so based on his past emotional attachment to her) and he hasn't done it so far. He has no reason to think that this would fly with you...and so he didn't bother to tell you. That's guilt right there, girl.
And all you've been doing is beating yourself up because of your jealous nature. You've been excusing his behavior and criticizing yours. No way. It should be the other way around. You have a first-class reason to be angry about this but I'm sure that all you felt was guilt after you confronted him. Don't give in to that feeling because you haven't earned it in any way, shape or form!
Keep an eye on this one because:
1. I have a hunch she's going to need more emotional support after this trip is done;
2. If she leaves her husband, she'll be without a man;
3. A man loves to feel needed. It make them feel important and valued. It's like catnip to them!
4. He's been attracted to her before and it was unrequited.
The combination of the above is perfect kindling for an emotional flame.
So hard to explain these things in a post, but I will try.
The 'friend' isn't going behind my back. For all she knows, he told me he was going to invite her to come out, have fun and get away from the troubles of her marriage. She does not know how I feel about her, I have never told her, and I am sure as hell neither did my DH. So IMO frankly she is quite innocent in this. She didn't accept his invitation, she declined it, saying she couldn't go.
The 'friend's' marriage literally just fell apart a few weeks ago. She and DH had not talked in quite some time, and she had sent an email to him explaining what had been happening over the last few years with her marriage. He showed this to me, as he was in shock. (BTW the email was sent to a few of her friends, not just him)
Everything is by far not 'hunky dory'. I am pissed. I think what he did was wrong and deceiving whether or not he meant it to be. He isn't coming back for several days, and to me, this is not the type of thing you can settle over the phone. Things can get misinterpreted, I want to have a face to face with him.
It is something we hopefully will be able to work through. We'll see, I don't know, I am watching out, being careful, and now have no trust. It is a scary place to be in. That said, I know most of you think I am crazy, but I do believe him. I do think he was emailing her out of friendship to help her out through a tough time. But, maybe there was more to it he can't admit to me or even to himself...
Hubby left for a business trip today, and I found an email of his (yes I was snooping) inviting an old friend to meet him. So here is the back story....
He had a crush on a girl in college for years. Nothing ever came of it. Hubby and I met years later, and have been married for over a decade. He and the girl still remained friends over the years. This girl, was never really pleasant to me, and made many backhanded comments to me.
Honestly, I am very jealous of her, and he knows this. He realized all the somewhat awful things she said to me, and swore her off as a friend. Of course this never happened.
Needless to say over the years her marriage has been in trouble. It finally exploded. So he emailed her (didn't tell me) inviting her to meet him, and he would pay for it. As I am typing this, I am getting much more angry.
I know it is very innocent, and there is nothing going on. I am just hurt beyond belief for many reasons. That he invited her not telling me, offered to pay when we are broke and knows I am insanely jealous of her.
So, yeah I guess I am really upset. But question if I should even approach him, I feel like an idiot snooping, and know that nothing would happen between them, they are only friends.....
Not be mean, but ...Are you stupid? Of course something is going on or he would not be sneaking around.
I am not being defensive, I just want to clarify. This girl is not a homewrecker. I don't want to go in to details, just in case someone who knows her/us reads it.
But, the 'friend' in question did nothing to wreck her marriage, it was her husband.
I agree, I should have had more of a backbone and said something to her, but I am not good with confrontation.
Trish, I am confused, that is why I sound so confused
Then I would be really worried. She may be trying to "pay back" her husband with yours.
I would get into marriage counseling pronto BTW before anything more transpires. On another post, I listed what happened to me. The girl involved was a former GF (only 3 months) but after she got divorced, she looked up my husband and made it her mission. (It did take over 2 years to get him emotionally hooked, to his credit). She was good, very manipulative and also very pretty. She also had a 2 year daughter and was living with someone. (He was not aware either).
After my husband confessed, I had him transfer 2 pieces of real estate into my name only. (I knew this would hold up in court also due to my funds buying those 2 properties). She went ballistic, totally ballistic when she found out. It took 31 days but his head finally cleared and he was able to stand up to her. She then attacked me physically and then went on to sue his business for the amount of insurance.
What hurt the most was the betrayal and that he could be so duped. I have since forgiven him - it has taken time and believe, there is much stress involved.
The 'friend' isn't going behind my back. For all she knows, he told me he was going to invite her to come out, have fun and get away from the troubles of her marriage. She does not know how I feel about her, I have never told her, and I am sure as hell neither did my DH. So IMO frankly she is quite innocent in this. She didn't accept his invitation, she declined it, saying she couldn't go.
Hmm, yes so it does sound like they have just been innocent friends up until this point and that it your DH (not the other woman) who took it in the wrong direction.
I feel so bad for you - sometimes people do really stupid things, and it sounds like your DH lost his senses there. Thank GOODNESS the other woman said no, because who knows what could have happened if she had said yes.
I don't blame you for being pissed. I am having a hard time buying that his gesture was meant as friends only, but if it was a "come out and I'll buy you dinner to make you feel better", then I can see how he could have made that kind of mistake without thinking. Still a bad idea on his part, but I can see how it could have been an innocent mistake.
If it was a "come and stay with me for weekend while I'm on a business trip away from my wife" deal, then that is inexcuseable.
lol forget marriage counseling. Every marriage counselor I've met is some old fat fuddy duddy without a clue in the world. Your marraige is finished. You need to split in peace and kindness and find peace with other people. All the best.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette
I would get into marriage counseling pronto BTW before anything more transpires. On another post, I listed what happened to me. The girl involved was a former GF (only 3 months) but after she got divorced, she looked up my husband and made it her mission. (It did take over 2 years to get him emotionally hooked, to his credit). She was good, very manipulative and also very pretty. She also had a 2 year daughter and was living with someone. (He was not aware either).
After my husband confessed, I had him transfer 2 pieces of real estate into my name only. (I knew this would hold up in court also due to my funds buying those 2 properties). She went ballistic, totally ballistic when she found out. It took 31 days but his head finally cleared and he was able to stand up to her. She then attacked me physically and then went on to sue his business for the amount of insurance.
What hurt the most was the betrayal and that he could be so duped. I have since forgiven him - it has taken time and believe, there is much stress involved.
I feel very sorry for Elizabeth Edwards.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Too bad you couldn't just show up....
