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Hello folks, never really have done anything like this before so please bare with me. I recently got out of a relationship and am starting a thread here to get some introspection. While the relationship I had with this girl wasn't long, I got attached pretty quick (probably my fault). She had a daughter, which is an experience that I have never had prior. I found myself so attached to that world and really loved the idea of being a so-called surrogate father. I have been known to be quick happy-go-lucky, fun, passive at times; a total gentleman. Well this I suppose wasn't what she wanted. We have a mutual friend who informed me that she thought I was not rough around the edges, which is her supposed type, or too feminine (ouch). Breakup ensued on her valition out of the blue. She had a rough upbringing, many fathers in and out of her life. A week prior to the breakup we were looking for places to move into together. Now there is quite the void in my life. I have too much time to think which is something I have been feverishly trying to erradicate.
What is hard is not only losing her but the child as well, which I completely adored. After the split I wrote a letter wishing her well, which I got a pretty cold reply. Like I meant absolutely nothing. Also that I was using her kid as a ploy to get back into her heart. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I don't want to be upset anymore. I just want to be my happy self again and am having all of these inadequacy issues. Should I be reserved the next time around? Should I be a jerk in the next relationship? Do nice guys really finish in last place? I want to meet "the one". I'm just so lost right now and any insight would be sooo appreciated. What do I do next?
First off, I'm sorry that you are going through this emotional upheaval. It's not a great situation to be in.
It seems you were mismatched from the start. I think you have more emotional maturity than she and unfortunately you were touching on the father figure roll in her life. It doesn't have to be about age - women that have father issues tend to reach for men who make them feel loved and secure. But often these women also have a love/hate thing going on with men because of reasons that range from fear of rejection, fear of abandonment to low self-esteem issues that pushes them away from stability and towards men that will fulfill their fears of rejection and abandonment (they have control over their pain via the self-fulfilling prophecy).
All that's a really long way of saying that they do not trust men enough to give their heart and soul to them to risk a broken heart. At some level, often unconscious, they expect pain in relationships and would rather find a lousy man that will predictably give them pain than to really open their heart to a man and risk a true heartbreak that invariably hurts much, much worse.
I feel that you can't help a woman like this. If it's to happen at all, she has to develop the mental clarity of her situation, on her own, to rebuild herself and that's very difficult to do. For the record, I'm one of these women and it took me seeing years of my own bad behavior to come clean with myself and try to change. From my perspective, you really are better off without her.
Because your relationship was doomed from the start (because of her flaws), I wouldn't go changing a thing about the way you are when the time comes that you want to try relationships again. You have to be true to yourself. If you aren't, eventuallly your act will slip and the woman who was seduced by the act will be left with a completely different person. If you feel there are aspects of your personality you don't like, then work to change them. But don't do it only because of how this woman reacted towards you. Her needs are NOT what all women need.
Maybe it's good to be more cautious with your heart. You did have a learning experience - a nasty one at that. But please don't ever let your heart become jaded. There are many wonderful women who will truly love you for who you are.
You will have to find another girl, fall in love and have your own child. She may have felt "creeped out" by your adoring interest in her child, that can be a huge turn off and a "red light". I was a single mom for years before getting remarried and I was very selective of who my kids met. I know the guy is trying to seem interested in the kids so we will like them but, if a guy seemed over interested, thats it. We stopped seeing each other.
Sorry you are going through this, I know it can't be easy. Not sure how long you guys were together, but the longer you were the harder it could be. Apparently it seemed serious enough when you were talking about/looking into moving in together. It's unfair she let it get to that level if she had some supposed issues going on. I also feel bad for her little girl. If in fact you guys were close, that little girl is now also feeling the absence of you from her life. It can't be easy on her.
However, having said that.. one little bit of insight into women with a background that you described for her is that they do, as a previous poster mentioned, have certain issues they carry with them. Part is the fear of such attachments and opening themselves up for hurt. In her situation, it wasn't enough that her father wasn't in her life, but she also apparently had multiple father figures coming and going from her life. Sometimes, in situations like this, knowingly or not, they tend to repeat the cycle on their own children. Not saying this is what she will do or is doing, but it is something that does occur.
Another thing is the whole "letting him go before he leaves on his own" thing. Everytime a father figure was no longer there, it was a rejection to her. Therefore, she tries to avoid that feeling by being the one to initiate the rejection. Problem is that she ends up hurting herself because in the end, she may have rejected a really good person that would have loved her in a way she had never been loved before. But she can't see that as she is too wrapped up in her fears and insecurities.
Yet another problem, especially having a little girl, is the issues of jealousy that can arise. If you were particularly close to her daughter and her daughter to you, it could be that the "father"/"daughter" relationship the two of you were developing or sharing could have been stirring a sort of jealousy within her. Not so much because she wished here daughter didn't have it, but because she couldn't understand or accept that she herself didn't have it. Maturity and trying to get past the individual hurts could overcome such feelings, however, if she had neither, it could very well be that it was more than she could handle.
I know you can't help but have the whole inadequacy issues going on right now, but do try to overcome them. Realize that this may have had little to do with you personally and more to do with where she is at herself. Of course, I mean part of any situation like this is taking some time to sort of evaluate everything and if there is something to change, work on that, or if there is something to learn, then focus on that so that the next time around you will be all the more wise and prepared for the situation. But just don't beat yourself up over the head if in fact it was more her issue than yours.
I don't think you need to be more reserved persay in the next relationship, maybe proceeding a bit more cautiously and slowly, not sure how quick exactly you were moving along in this past one. But here is the thing, you are who you are, and unless it is some flaw that you need to improve on, you shouldn't let anyone or anything change who you are. The moment you do so, you give that more power than it deserves to have. Of course if you were doing something wrong, and you realize that you need to change that, by all means, that is self-improvement. But don't change just because you are bitter or jaded. Those kinds of changes are not really productive to your own life.
Also, please don't turn around and be a j*** in the next relationship. Honestly, the next girl that comes along is not at fault for what this one did. It is totally unfair for the next girl to have to pay the consequence for this girls actions. If you do change and do that in your next relationship..you may risk losing out on the right girl because all she'll see is the j*** and not the real you or who you were. You cheat yourself, and you cheat her in the long run.
I don't believe that nice guys finish last. I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone and sometimes it just takes a little sifting through all the bad weed to find that one beautiful flower. The girl for you is out there, take your time, give yourself time to heal and get over this relationship before you even think about diving into another one. Once you are ready then go slow, especially if there is a child involved. Take things one step at a time and don't rush through it. Remember one thing, if she is the one for you, taking it slow in order to build a good solid and healthy foundation, is the best thing you can do for each other and for the relationship.
Right now, all you can do is take some time to yourself. Evaluate the relationship. See what was good, what was bad. Learn from any mistakes that occured. Hold on to the good times, don't let them fade simply because there are also some bad times. Hang out with friends and just be you. Don't go searching for a "replacement" girlfriend, just take your time and eventually the right girl will come along.
Hello folks, never really have done anything like this before so please bare with me. I recently got out of a relationship and am starting a thread here to get some introspection. While the relationship I had with this girl wasn't long, I got attached pretty quick (probably my fault). She had a daughter, which is an experience that I have never had prior. I found myself so attached to that world and really loved the idea of being a so-called surrogate father. I have been known to be quick happy-go-lucky, fun, passive at times; a total gentleman. Well this I suppose wasn't what she wanted. We have a mutual friend who informed me that she thought I was not rough around the edges, which is her supposed type, or too feminine (ouch). Breakup ensued on her valition out of the blue. She had a rough upbringing, many fathers in and out of her life. A week prior to the breakup we were looking for places to move into together. Now there is quite the void in my life. I have too much time to think which is something I have been feverishly trying to erradicate.
What is hard is not only losing her but the child as well, which I completely adored. After the split I wrote a letter wishing her well, which I got a pretty cold reply. Like I meant absolutely nothing. Also that I was using her kid as a ploy to get back into her heart. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I don't want to be upset anymore. I just want to be my happy self again and am having all of these inadequacy issues. Should I be reserved the next time around? Should I be a jerk in the next relationship? Do nice guys really finish in last place? I want to meet "the one". I'm just so lost right now and any insight would be sooo appreciated. What do I do next?
You are adorable, you should not feel inadequate at all! You sound like an amazing guy and it's her loss.....not yours, although that's what It may seem like right now.....you deserve so much more than what you would have settled for, sounds like she did you a favor
Seriously....as you stated she likes bad boys....nothing wrong with that if your looking for a fling however, you sound like the perfect catch for somone ready to settle down....maybe she's not ready to do that. My hubby's personality is sooo similar to yours....he was far from the bad boy and that is a serious turn on.......There are soooo many women out there that i'm sure would be so happy to have you.....you will find the one for you but in the mean time just remember that you did nothing wrong. As far as her child goes, it's sad that she would expose and let her son get close to a man and then just yank him away.....you'd think she'd know better as she had daddy issues.....poor kid.
First and foremost I would like to give my appreciation to all of you guys for your evaluation. I find it to be completely amazing that random people on the internet could be so insightful and understanding. I was forewarned before getting into the relationship and I rolled the dice anyway. This has been an arduous task no doubt. First seeing the unadultered love of a child can make you realize that that is what life is all about. I learned that someday I do want children and before this I was planning on getting a vascetomy!
That said, I have learned that people with neglective pasts are hard to change. I guess at times I think I have a heavenly intuition that I can be the catalyst to making someone better. I have always tried to understand human nature and what people are all about. There are people who have life way rougher than I, and it is selfish to be so self-absorbed when people out there are truly suffering. Just hard sometimes, ya know? I have heard that she has done this several times to others. I find it so amazing that from one week we are planning to move in and the next we are split up. Such a curve ball. You guys really seem to understand that upbringing and the nature of relationships that you have witnessed throughout your tenure on earth really influence the way that you handle them in your own endeavors. Trying to understand human affliction is so hard as I have now for the first time really tried to understand it in myself.
My friends are all trying to get me to go out and just date girls again. I have never had a problem doing so in the past, I'm not too hard on the eyes (haha). They say that the quicker you replace the better you will feel. Maybe there is some truth in that; however I know I'm not ready. This girl was really cold to me, and I accepted it. I took the put downs. I took the abuse without fighting back for I thought that creating a strife filled environment for the child was a bad thing. So at times I withdrew myself from being tough back. Anymore insight on upbringing and its affect on relationships would be greatly appreciated.
First and foremost I would like to give my appreciation to all of you guys for your evaluation. I find it to be completely amazing that random people on the internet could be so insightful and understanding. I was forewarned before getting into the relationship and I rolled the dice anyway. This has been an arduous task no doubt. First seeing the unadultered love of a child can make you realize that that is what life is all about. I learned that someday I do want children and before this I was planning on getting a vascetomy!
That said, I have learned that people with neglective pasts are hard to change. I guess at times I think I have a heavenly intuition that I can be the catalyst to making someone better. I have always tried to understand human nature and what people are all about. There are people who have life way rougher than I, and it is selfish to be so self-absorbed when people out there are truly suffering. Just hard sometimes, ya know? I have heard that she has done this several times to others. I find it so amazing that from one week we are planning to move in and the next we are split up. Such a curve ball. You guys really seem to understand that upbringing and the nature of relationships that you have witnessed throughout your tenure on earth really influence the way that you handle them in your own endeavors. Trying to understand human affliction is so hard as I have now for the first time really tried to understand it in myself.
My friends are all trying to get me to go out and just date girls again. I have never had a problem doing so in the past, I'm not too hard on the eyes (haha). They say that the quicker you replace the better you will feel. Maybe there is some truth in that; however I know I'm not ready. This girl was really cold to me, and I accepted it. I took the put downs. I took the abuse without fighting back for I thought that creating a strife filled environment for the child was a bad thing. So at times I withdrew myself from being tough back. Anymore insight on upbringing and its affect on relationships would be greatly appreciated.
I agree with you, I think it's so sad that as children, some ppl had to go through things that I will never understand. My life was pretty brady bunch so I really have no clue what it would have been like to have a bad childhood which maybe makes me more optomistic and "I can fix it" than I should be sometimes . My cousin, on the other hand, had a really rough time with her dad and abuse and all of that and i've seen how it still affects her for the worse.....I do think it's a choice though....I've known ppl to have horrible upbringings and they come out having learned from it and it's actually made them better people. This is why I try not to feel so sorry for the ppl who choose to let it be an excuse. Sounds like the girl in your situation is one of those excuses ppl.....IMO that's such a cop out....it's totally the path of least resistance. It takes a big person to choose to follow the other path. IMO, not knowing you or your situation, I'd venture to guess that you would probably be happier with somone who can put in just as much as you do.
I guess so.....every situation you see or go through will be a part of who ultimatley are, but it's your choice as to wether they have a negative or positive influence. Learn and move on while never allowing anyone to affect your goals and/or outlook on life and trust in people.
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. My cousin, on the other hand, had a really rough time with her dad and abuse and all of that and i've seen how it still affects her for the worse.....I do think it's a choice though....I've known ppl to have horrible upbringings and they come out having learned from it and it's actually made them better people. This is why I try not to feel so sorry for the ppl who choose to let it be an excuse. Sounds like the girl in your situation is one of those excuses ppl.....IMO that's such a cop out....it's totally the path of least resistance. It takes a big person to choose to follow the other path. IMO, not knowing you or your situation, I'd venture to guess that you would probably be happier with somone who can put in just as much as you do.
