Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If you feel this strongly for her, then don`t let her go!
Do everything possible to get it back, but on the other hand, if she is wanting something else out of life, that you cannot offer her or that she does not want, then what else can you do, but let her go?
You don`t want to come across as "desperate" but maybe she needs to really understand how you feel. Tell her what you have told us here.
I wish you luck!
I've been thinking about it more and I know 7/8 years does sound long, however it seems we were really only together for a shorter period - it could just be that I'm a guy and rationalising it this way.
Our first 3 to 4 years together we were still studying at University and our relationship worked out very well given that we were both studying - it was as easy for our lives to get along as we both had the same goal (to pass exams etc).
I actually finished my degree before hers, and we went on together for about a year where I was working full-time and she was still studying. Everyday after work I would drive 60 minutes from my work to her (parents) place to see her, then I'd drive home after dinner. The stressful thing during that period was that I' had worked all day, battled the traffic and was mentally exhausted when I saw her, but she had finished study at like 2pm and had spent hours waiting for me to arrive, ie she was ready to see and enjoy time with me, but I needed time to recover before I could enjoy time with her - she said that me coming to her seemed an inconvenience to me. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I tried to tell her that, that this was the best part of the day, however I had carried all the negative experiences of the day to her house which I needed to get over first. We discussed it, and she became more understanding of the situation - whether she just accepted me in a grumpy state or not I cannot determine, but things were a lot easier.
After a year or so of the above situation she starts work, so we both re-adjust to each others' working lives. I had evolved my working life around driving her home after work, because it was the little bit of time we got to see each other each day. During this time I really tried not to work late, but the worked required it sometimes. As I wanted to see her, I didn't stay late but made up for the work load during weekends. However there were also many occasions when she stayed late with me at my work - she ended up doing her own thing, which at the time involved looking at places to buy. We still saw each other on weekends, but then I would head back into work afterwards (later in the night).
A year after I had started my job, I went back to part-time study to commence my Masters Degree, while still working full-time - again, another big life re-adjustment for both of us. I studied part-time for a further 2 years during which time she went through 3 job changes and trip on her own to Europe. I so wanted to go with her on the Europe trip, but I was stuck in work and study, plus the timing was so so bad in that my brother's wedding was smack bang right when she left. She couldn't reschedule the holiday as it was the period in between one of her job changes.
The initial house plans discussion took place when we were still adjusting to everything, me balancing work and study, and her finding her footing in her line of work. I always supported her in her career as I knew that's exactly what I could do, other then love her deeply.
I see now that with so much happening in our lives at that point in time, that the purchase of a place together was a big commitment for her to show that we can get through this together as a 'team'. But it could've been that my parents are 'old-school' and brought me up thinking otherwise, that the guy should provide everything, and I was hesitant to commit to the place together (probably from pride) as I wanted to be the one to provide for us. Obviously, looking at it now, I had long term plans which didn't help her needs at the time.
So you know the story from there, in that she bought her place, and I bought mine to attempt to secure a future for us by acquiring the 'family home'.
We moved into her apartment as part of a contract with the State Government. During that time, the Gov't offered first time home buyers a $10k bonus if they bought and lived in their first home for the first 6 months. I automatically forfeited that bonus as I already had property in my name before the bonus was available.
So the story goes, I finish my study and secured a good position within the company and she obtains a position within a highly regarded company too.
Just as I finished my Masters Degree, she took up extra study too (ie. work full-time and study part-time). As I knew how hard it was to balance work and study, I tried the best I could to support her - forcing her to study, using me as a reward (eg. no I won't come over to see you unless you study), driving her everywhere I could to save her time for study etc.
I felt that I had worked enough for us, that I really wanted to work at us, but at the same time she's found her footing in working life and wanted to expand on that too, which is where we are now (timeline-wise).
Now that I feel that I've got a strong career base, I really want to make up ground in the relationship area - particularly as she had also given me great support during my work-study-life balancing act. Up until then, the only major way I could show her love was to support her career changes, support her study and drive her everywhere <- obviously there were other was to show her love, but that was the consistent thing during all the changes we had been through in our lives so far.
Children was always a far off thing as we were both career orientated, and didn't want to start a family until later on in life.
Prior to the break/break up, I booked in two weekends away for us, which were to take place immediately after her final exam (within the next 2 weeks). The first weekend away has been canceled, in that I am not going and she is going alone. The second weekend away is still on the table, but I haven't spoken to her in a few days so I don't know if she still wants to go with me.
As it is now, as she tells me, she finds that I cause more stress to her work-study-life balance then support. In particular, her new work has a lot of carefree and unattached staff, which I feel is exposing her to the life she never had as our lives were continually changing and finding footing.
Prior to the break/break-up, what also really hurt me was she had time for her work-colleages (ie. after work functions and Friday night drinks), but if I ask for a couple of hours with her, I'd get the lecture about how I'm stressing her out and am going to make her fail her study. I think realistically, I was the symbol/pinnacle of everything negative in her life so far and the main reason/cause she hadn't and couldn't fully live her life to date.
She tells me it's not about another man, but that she felt she missed out on the best part of her years. She did say she feels as though she's wasted all this time with me. I feel that we've both equally input into the relationship, but differently. However, looking at if from the outside point of view (as one other post said) it looks as though we've been doing nothing - no marriage together, no house together, no children... I feel that is very much the vibe she's been feeling and has recently received from her new work place which appear to be all early 20s people.
That is exactly why I gave her the rings, to show support and commitment to the relationship (I told her the second ring wasn't an engagement ring, but a commitment ring) although the second ring had such a negative experience attached (as previously posted).
So... looking at our relationship just between myself and her, we've gone through and done a lot.. Looking at it from the outside, we've done NOTHING, and I've been jerking her around...
What I fear about time apart, is that she'll forget what we've been through and what we've been working at. Particularly given that milestone events in our relationship (eg. buy house together) didn't happen for reasons which seemed somewhat acceptable between us, but not acceptable from an outside perspective (without knowing the happenings at the time and our history).
I feel that my career/job means nothing relative to the relationship. But that's only come from the hard work I've put into it - eg, Without sounding big-headed, I've made myself very marketable and can pretty much get a job anywhere. I really want to focus on 'us' as now I feel I can be that one to provide her with everything and have the income to do it.
The reason it feels so much shorter then 7/8 years is because we kept on re-learning each other and re-adjusting to each other's (mainly) career movements. Strictly from my point of view, I feel I've been robbed of the opportunity to show her my true feelings for her and how I feel we can build a future together, because up until then, we'd mainly been doing the support-love role for each other, not the in-love feelings for each other, as it was for the first 3 years during University.
What we've both said is that we'd be pissed off when/if the other gets another person, because we felt we've put in so much effort/support into the other to make them the person they are today.
She says that if I were to meet someone else 'today', that the new girl and I would be married within a short period and building a life that she always wanted. This is likely true, but the error in her statement is that I don't want a new girl, I want that girl to be her.
So, I don't want to let her go because I feel we've put too much into this relationship to let go of , we really work well and should receive the benefits together. I want to give her space so she can enjoy what she missed, she assures me it's not about another man - but it's so hard not to see it that way from the outside point of view when you're hurt.
I feel we couldn't give this relationship the best shot as too many life changing events were happening during the later part of our relationship. But as we've nearly overcome all that, I see that we work really well together on so many levels. I feel she has so many 'outside' influences which don't see it anything other then you've got nothing to show for the last 7 years or relationship (even though 3 of those were still in University). Ultimately I see it that way too which is what I want to change.
During the past 4 weeks of break/break-up time, I've really started to rebuild myself and pull myself out of the hole which my previous job dug for me. I feel really good that I am again in control of my decisions and not always having to worry about coming into work etc on weekends - lost weight (10kg so far), have more strength, etc. I have also started to live the life that she (and I) both missed out on because of our career movements, but I really want to experience them with her. I went to a jazz lounge last night, and felt so so so guilty as this is something she wanted to do but I never had time or strength for.
My next workplace is a 'job' to me, I feel I've already done enough at establishing my 'career' and that amount of effort is no longer required.
I want to put my fullest focus on 'us', but at the same time I feel that is also driving her away because it's something we've never experienced during our relationship, ie, I'm sure she's gotten used to me making decisions about us with work in the back of my mind, eg. ".. Sorry baby, I really want to go, but this weekend I have to go into work.." or ".. This is really fun, but I'm sorry I have to go because I have to go to work.."
What's funny is that many times she would come into work with me on weekends (aswell) and the joke was she was becoming office furniture. Many times she did tell me to quit my job as she knew how straining it was on me and our relationship, but I guess indirectly she was also assisting me at staying because she would come into work with me and always support and be there for me when things went bad.
For the great amount of support she gave to me to be able to do those things, even though it was at the loss of her needs, I say 'Thank You' and 'Sorry' to her as per my previous post.
I want to give her 'her' space and time, but at the same time don't want to lose her, because again I feel we are now able to live the full potential of this relationship and what love has to offer.
With reference to another one of my previous posts, I feel it would be so unfair for me to move on with another girl. Firstly because any feelings I have for the new girl, are feelings of love I have for my girlfriend which I want to her to be the recipient of... Secondly, another girl might want to experience that 'dating' and 'courting' scene, but I feel that I only want to live and re-live that with my girlfriend - for many of the back-end years we didn't go on romantic dates, but more-so just went out, which is likely the reason why I felt guilty about the jazz lounge (AND I WASN'T EVEN WITH ANOTHER GIRL!)
Ultimately, this is where people say time heals all wounds, but at the same time, who I am today is very much a part of her (in all aspects of my life so far).
So my original question as per my original post still stands.. What should I do?
Thanks guys
You could try getting a beautiful engagement ring and running to her and telling her you've been a fool. Get down on your knees and ask (beg) her to be your wife. Tell her you will make it up to her, that she is the love of your life and that you should have proposed years ago. Remind her that you think she is without doubt, the most beautiful girl in the world. Tell her you want to get married right away, when and wherever she wants, that she only need name the date.
Tell her you don't want anyone else to have your babies. Remind her of how much love you've shared. Confess that you've been stupid but not out of malice but that you're a young guy and young guys just sometimes can't see the forest for the trees. Tell her you're going to sit on her steps and serenade her until she forgives you and says yes. Make up a song to her with her name in it and sing it to her. If you can afford skywriting- do it. If she laughs and cries you may have a chance...
Last edited by laysayfair; 08-16-2008 at 05:58 PM..
Reason: typo
She says that if I were to meet someone else 'today', that the new girl and I would be married within a short period and building a life that she always wanted. This is likely true, but the error in her statement is that I don't want a new girl, I want that girl to be her.
So, I don't want to let her go because I feel we've put too much into this relationship to let go of , we really work well and should receive the benefits together. I want to give her space so she can enjoy what she missed, she assures me it's not about another man - but it's so hard not to see it that way from the outside point of view when you're hurt.
Does she know this is how you feel? Have you had the talk about changing, putting her before work, and about you not wanting to build a life with anyone else? You said previously that she asked you not to wait for her. The real question is not whether or not you were jerking her around. None of us can know that and you had no ill intentions while trying to build a life. You recognize that you should have given her more attention and you recognize your mistakes and faults in the relationship. The real question is whether or not she still wants to build the life she desires with you. Have her dreams changed so drastically that you both no longer want the same thing? Does she still want to be with the man that she helped to make?
I assume you already have, but make sure she knows that you are willing to make it work and ready to build the life instead of constantly putting life on hold for all the other aspects people tell you are important. At the time work seemed so important, but I'm sure at this point you would trade work for a jazz night with her. Eight years is a lot to let go of, just offer her something worth going back to.
You could try getting a beautiful engagement ring and running to her and telling her you've been a fool. Get down on your knees and ask (beg) her to be your wife. Tell her you will make it up to her, that she is the love of your life and that you should have proposed years ago. Remind her that you think she is without doubt, the most beautiful girl in the world. Tell her you want to get maried right away, when and wherever she wants, that she only need name the date.
Tell her you don't want anyone else to have your babies. Remind her of how much love you've shared. Confess that you've been stupid but not out of malice but that you're a young guy and young guys just sometimes can't see the forest for the trees. Tell her you're going to sit on her steps and serenade her until she forgives you and says yes. Make up a song to her with her name in it and sing it to her. If you can afford skywriting- do it. If she laughs and cries you may have a chance...
oooooo I like this idea. :Someday can start right now if you'll have me" This has real romantic movie potential.
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
4,084 posts, read 12,683,084 times
Reputation: 1974
Yeah, have you told her these things? Tell HER what you told us here and propose already! I mean, really! She can't shoot you down any worse than she already has by breaking up with you, right? If you feel this strongly about her, why haven't you proposed yet? Let me guess... you were just waiting for the right time, right?
Yeah, have you told her these things? Tell HER what you told us here and propose already! I mean, really! She can't shoot you down any worse than she already has by breaking up with you, right? If you feel this strongly about her, why haven't you proposed yet? Let me guess... you were just waiting for the right time, right?
Ya, I have already picked the ring and saved enough money. I still knew there were issues between us which I wanted to resolve first, such that there was no hesitation in her saying 'yes'.
Ya, I have already picked the ring and saved enough money. I still knew there were issues between us which I wanted to resolve first, such that there was no hesitation in her saying 'yes'.
Maybe the problem was not that she wouldnt say yes. Maybe it was that you never asked. As houstoner said, youve got nothing to lose. This may be your only shot to take action, throw caution to the wind, and lay your heart out there.
I actually finished my degree before hers, and we went on together for about a year where I was working full-time and she was still studying. Everyday after work I would drive 60 minutes from my work to her (parents) place to see her, then I'd drive home after dinner. The stressful thing during that period was that I' had worked all day, battled the traffic and was mentally exhausted when I saw her, but she had finished study at like 2pm and had spent hours waiting for me to arrive, ie she was ready to see and enjoy time with me, but I needed time to recover before I could enjoy time with her - she said that me coming to her seemed an inconvenience to me. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I tried to tell her that, that this was the best part of the day, however I had carried all the negative experiences of the day to her house which I needed to get over first. We discussed it, and she became more understanding of the situation - whether she just accepted me in a grumpy state or not I cannot determine, but things were a lot easier.
After a year or so of the above situation she starts work, so we both re-adjust to each others' working lives. I had evolved my working life around driving her home after work, because it was the little bit of time we got to see each other each day. During this time I really tried not to work late, but the worked required it sometimes. As I wanted to see her, I didn't stay late but made up for the work load during weekends. However there were also many occasions when she stayed late with me at my work - she ended up doing her own thing, which at the time involved looking at places to buy. We still saw each other on weekends, but then I would head back into work afterwards (later in the night).
You know, reading your post gave me a headache. You guys have been smothering each other and clinging to each other forever. Or perhaps only you have been doing the suffocation... hard to tell. In any event, you haven't had time to breathe. No wonder she's tired.
There's no rule you should see each other every day exhausted. Do it as often as you can but when you feel good and rested. Otherwise it feels like another chore on the daily list and serves no purpose. When you do see her all pooped and frustrated after battling traffic, after not having a minute to unwind, I'd imagine there isn't much else to do other than argue and fight because you're cranky. And I bet on some level one or both of you feels resentful because you'd rather not do it. It feels like obligation.
I am going to drive to her house now, even though we left our last phone discussion arguing a little.
I am going to tell her everything, I have done so already, but that was pleading rather then stating. I'm sure no woman likes to see a man grovel.
I will not propose (plus I don't have the ring with me) but will tell her why we should still be together.
I still don't think she'll take me back right away, as I know she needs this time, but the doubt was whether we would get back together after this time. I'm going to tell her that she can still take her time that she needs, but that I want her back when she's ready.
Good luck to me, I'll let you guys know how it goes.
If you don't hear from me in a few days it's because my heart was crushed - so unmanly to say, but I know my weaknesses.
Thanks for your all insight, both for 'support' and 'move on' comments.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This has real romantic movie potential.
