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We've been having some serious marital problems. About 2 years ago, my DH left the kids and me. He packed up one day and left. While he was gone, he got involved with another woman. It only lasted about a month. He asked for me to forgive him and wanted to come back. As much as he hurt me and I'm sure the kids, I let him back. It's now 2 years later and we haven't been getting along at all. He has a drinking problem which he knows. He says I nag to much and I'm too controlling. I've never been that way, but with the drinking, not coming home and spending alot of money, it has forced me to be that way. Anyhow, last night after drinking, when my DH came home, he told me had to tell me something. He said he told me we were over a month ago and he was involved with another woman twice a couple weeks ago. He said he can't live with the guilt. Well, when he woke up this morning sober, he told me none of it was true. He said he can't take all the nagging and being controlling anymore and he is very upset about it. So, he said if he's hurting, I should be too. He said he knew that would really hurt me, therfore that's why he said it. Do I believe that or do you think he did it to me again? He wants to get counseling now in hopes that it will help the marriage. We never had a trust issue, but now it's hard not to. I've been depressed and having anxiety and this is no way to live. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.
I am not married to my man but he put me through the same kind of thing. He always told me he was with other girls just to hurt me. The only difference is he actually cheated more than once.
You know him, you have been married to him for a while now, you have to trust your instincts. If he did it once and you let him get away with it, he will probably do it again. Counseling may help, but you can't depend on it being the cure to an unfaithful marriage. You have to know in your heart what the truth is, you are a woman and we all know even if we are not willing to admit it.
Look him in the eyes and ask him again, if he looks away while answering he is lying.
A drunk will always tell you the truth, whether its what you want to hear or not. He is staying out all night, once a week. You can bet your butt that what he told you last night, is the truth.
Like the above poster said, its up to you, to decide if you want to continue living with this situation, and making your kids live in it as well.
I think he definetly needs a reality check, so give it to him!
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flmom28
Look him in the eyes and ask him again, if he looks away while answering he is lying.
Some people have the ability to look you straight in the eye without wavering and lie convincingly. Just sayin'. Been there, done that. I wouldn't put too much stock in that for proof.
I am not married to my man but he put me through the same kind of thing. He always told me he was with other girls just to hurt me. The only difference is he actually cheated more than once.
You know him, you have been married to him for a while now, you have to trust your instincts. If he did it once and you let him get away with it, he will probably do it again. Counseling may help, but you can't depend on it being the cure to an unfaithful marriage. You have to know in your heart what the truth is, you are a woman and we all know even if we are not willing to admit it.
Look him in the eyes and ask him again, if he looks away while answering he is lying.
Good luck honey, trust your gut!!!!
I did what you said. I made him look me in the eyes and tell me it wasn't so. He looked directly in my eyes and said it wasn't. Regardless, this is no way to live. Constantly fighting. I just want to be happy. Today, he is very romorseful. We are going to try counseling and if that doesn't work, we are going to go our own ways. It's just really tough when you've been together 19 1/2 years.
I just got divorced after 20 years from Mr Jeep who was very manipulating, controlling, deceptive, a recovering addict, emotionally and mentally abusive, an absolute expert at lying (and it didn't matter where his eyes were looking, he may as well just shut them closed) - oh, and a cheater! I have NEVER been happier in my life since I left him. I opted to not try counseling with him, why even bother, all too many times he fooled his own therapists and recovery counselors just to go through the motions. May work for some, but I will bet my last breath it would not have for us due to the type of man he is. Remorse? Oh yes. I saw that all too often. He played that hand as good as he could lie. The split was super-hard for the first 4 months. . . took me much effort to detox my entire being from all that I endured - and today, I wonder what in the world took me so long to do it in the first place. Now, I am finally *really* living. Best of luck to you, but what it comes down to is that you need to do what you feel is right for you and your situation. If you need to play out all the cards in your hand until you are entirely exhausted, then that is what is right for you so you do not have to look back with any "what if's."
I'm glad you are able to finally live. I learned early in life that toxic people are just not worth the time, energy, patience, or love in most cases. You have to take care of yourself first and bring yourself joy by being around joyful people!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118
I just got divorced after 20 years from Mr Jeep who was very manipulating, controlling, deceptive, a recovering addict, emotionally and mentally abusive, an absolute expert at lying (and it didn't matter where his eyes were looking, he may as well just shut them closed) - oh, and a cheater! I have NEVER been happier in my life since I left him. I opted to not try counseling with him, why even bother, all too many times he fooled his own therapists and recovery counselors just to go through the motions. May work for some, but I will bet my last breath it would not have for us due to the type of man he is. Remorse? Oh yes. I saw that all too often. He played that hand as good as he could lie. The split was super-hard for the first 4 months. . . took me much effort to detox my entire being from all that I endured - and today, I wonder what in the world took me so long to do it in the first place. Now, I am finally *really* living. Best of luck to you, but what it comes down to is that you need to do what you feel is right for you and your situation. If you need to play out all the cards in your hand until you are entirely exhausted, then that is what is right for you so you do not have to look back with any "what if's."
Of all the problems a marriage could have, I personally could not tolerate excessive drinking or drugging. I could not stand to see someone drinking themselves into oblivion every day or drugging either. It would be it for me. Go to rehab/counseling or else.
But, to have the cheating, too. 2 too many vices. You hear alot that when people leave these types of spouses, they feel so much better. It's just getting to the point of leaving. Good luck.
Trust your gut on this..if it does not feel right then odds are it isn't.
If he calls you a nag again, just tell him "I'm not nagging, I'm just verbally repetitive!"
I have that sign in my kitchen!!
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