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I just opened an email desperately asking me to call a great friend of mine in Nevada who used to be a peer of mine at the bank we worked at together. She woke up this morning anticipating a Saturday schedule and her husband of 12 years walked into the bedroom and said:
-I'm leaving today, taking the Motorhome and staying at "some friend's house".
-I don't love you.
-I'm not attracted to you and haven't been for a long time.
-You're not worth the trouble (to her plea for counseling).
-I feel nothing for you.
-I want this to be amicable...
-I've been planning this for awhile.
I just got the email an hour ago and she's been crying and sick all day. She's totally broadsided as she thought their marriage was happy and fine. I just spent an hour on the phone with her. She told me he had emptied $6000 from their checking account and had also had himself put onto her credit cards without her knowledge as an authorized user and had taken out $10,000 in cash advances in the last couple of weeks. Most of the debt in the marriage is in her name.
The house is in her name only as is the mortgage. Their home in Texas is in both names. Their daughter is a freshman in college in Austin and she's been paying the tuition.
He said he's taking the dogs he wants.
He's taking the furniture he wants.
He's going to take whatever he feels is "his". She tried to get the locks changed today, no one was available.
She is changing the locks Monday, hid her jewelry where he can't find it, and called all the credit cards and had him removed and the numbers changed. She's also had his access to the checking account (he left $1900.) removed.
She has already got names and recommendations for three lawyers in Nevada who have helped acquaintences in their divorces and are reputed to be very good.
She will leave messages for them this weekend. She's an executive and has always made the majority of income until 2006 when his lawn business finally caught into six figures. She's supported him and paid family expenses for twelve years out of her income.
She is alternately crying in jaggs, then furious with anger, then feeling hopeless and lonely, and she's scared as she has a terminal disease and she had always known she could depend on his insurance if/when she becomes unable to work or loses her insurance coverage.
I asked her if she knows if he's having an affair...she doesn't know.
I'll tell you this though...
I'm single and there's no way I'm in love with her, though she's one of my great friends and I do "love" her as someone whom I've been close to for ten years. I'd marry her just to give her the comfort and benefits if it came to that, and to give her peace of mind if her health required it. In a heartbeat.
I feel badly for her, can't imagine the torment she's going through, but I told her right away...don't worry about what's around the corner yet, just get that attorney on Monday and we'll work through it.
The betrayal she's undergoing makes me want to puke.
'Baby steps', tell her 'baby steps'. Breathe in , and out, and take one day at a time. If my original message had stuck, you could see she and I are not that far off in things that have happened - only I decided to go after knowing the cheating and financial ruin was going on. She was blindsided the way my mother was in 1985.
Cannot believe she is terminal. My God - that guy is satan himself.
Tell her to baby step through each day, tackle one thing at a time. Write it all down and check them off as they are done or being worked on. Once she gets to a good attorney, she will be able to breathe a little better. But the pain will always be there. It just fades after time.
My prayers are with her - and she is NOT alone. Feel free to put her in touch with me if you like. Be glad to talk to her.
You are a wonderful friend - she is lucky to have you.
Kimmiey
You know the funny thing is that we get bull headed. We get a point of view and that's all we can see. We have blinders on. We have a point and we're going to make it.
On the other side. Our child see's both sides and they are intelligent enough to realize what is going on. They simpathize with both. they love both. they hate both for what is going on. They also have a point to make.
Don't worry about what your son showed that day. I'll bet when he was with his dad for a visit, he was talking about mom the whole time.
I'm single and there's no way I'm in love with her, though she's one of my great friends and I do "love" her as someone whom I've been close to for ten years. I'd marry her just to give her the comfort and benefits if it came to that, and to give her peace of mind if her health required it. In a heartbeat.
I feel badly for her, can't imagine the torment she's going through, but I told her right away...don't worry about what's around the corner yet, just get that attorney on Monday and we'll work through it.
The betrayal she's undergoing makes me want to puke.
While her husband's behavior is unconscionable, the way you'd step up to the plate to help her is amazing. Thank you for proving that there are still good men out there who don't always put themselves first. (Honestly, I'm still in shock that he could behave that way; I would almost bet that he has "interests" elsewhere. ) I'm sure that with your support, she'll get through this, though.
And as far as how divorce affects children, yes, it has an effect. How could it not? And I truly believe that divorce should be the last resort after trying counseling, etc. At the same time, though, there are situations where a divorce is necessary - kids or no kids. Then it's up to the parents to make the best of a bad situation. Of course, prevention is key. I had all kinds of clues before I got married that my husband was a creep, but I was young and madly in love! My father didn't like him, and I should have paid more attention to that.
My parents have pretty much stayed together for 26 years, "Because of the kids."
But kids grow up, and then what are you left with? Two unhappy strangers living in a house, that really don't have any thing in common anymore.
My husband left his first marriage, his son was just 1 at the time. It was the hardest decision of his life. He wanted to stay together for the sake of his little boy, but got tired of his ex wife using the D word as a threat, or to emotionally control him.
I also was married briefly. After just a few months of marriage, my ex husband quit all his jobs, and I found out he had about $50,000 of debt that I was unaware of before the wedding. He also racked up a bunch of debt in both of our names, and then filed bankruptcy. That was heartbreaking for me, as I had perfect and high credit before I met him. He also became very emotionally abusive, and the first day he got physically violent, was the last day of our relationship. I left immediately, I didn't want to bring kids into the mix.
My current husband and I couldn't be happier. We made a mental list of what we wanted in a second marriage, and we have found it in eachother. He is so glad now, that he made the decision to end his first marriage of 6 years. His little boy, my step-son, loves me, and loves being with us, as his home life at his mother's is unstable, and very stressful on him.
I think couples should do everything possible to try to stay together, but there is definitely that "Moment" when your gut tells you that things need to end, and people need to move on. There are also things that partners can do, that are inexcusable, and should not be tolerated whatsover. In these cases, just get out, before the abuse happens again, or things get worse.
Anyone have issues like this?. Not being nosy; frankly just need to vent the reality. I am seeing we are incompatible in some ways, and this is a tough subject- just wanted to see if others have any thoughts?
sunny.
Honestly I think people are too quick to turn to divorce. They are more willing to put the energy into divorce and all that it takes to start life over than to put it toward making their marriage better. You thought you were compatible at one time. Concentrate on that, see what's missing and making you feel that way and then see what you can do to change it and make it better.
Granted, I think there are valid reasons to divorce, like criminal activity, abuse, adultry, etc. But most of the time it seems people stop thinking of each other and only think of themselves. They don't want to do what it takes to make each other happy. If it's not one of those big issues then you just need a good two week romantic vacation together to put the focus back on your marriage. People get very caught up in the busy hectic day to day living and forget to nuture their relationship.
Momark's story on this thread really made me sick-how can anyone be that cruel, unfeeling and selfish?? What a dirtbag that guy is! I'm a big believer in Karma, hopefully someday this will come back to bite him in the a$$. Hats off to you Momark for being a very supportive friend.
Momark's story on this thread really made me sick-how can anyone be that cruel, unfeeling and selfish?? What a dirtbag that guy is! I'm a big believer in Karma, hopefully someday this will come back to bite him in the a$$. Hats off to you Momark for being a very supportive friend.
I'm waiting to hear from her. I left a message Sunday but haven't heard back yet.
The terrible thing for her is that her first husband is responsible for her health problems and died himself leaving her a widow, and now her second is abandoning her after faking a happy marriage and getting all the material benefits while using her income to concentrate on building his own business.
She hasn't had good luck with men and it's not her fault. It's tragic really. I hope he goes to hell.
I hope her lawyer is a barracuda and goes after him. Maybe he'll get his comeuppance then.
I found a lawyer myself for her this morning and called him myself from Missouri (they're in Reno, Nevada). I explained a quick overview and he said she needs to file a Financial restraining order immediately so he can't withdraw any more funds and it will freeze his access to any monies. He also said he can see her at 8am tomorrow morning.
I left four messages for her and she blackberried me back saying she was in meetings. I want her to address this now and get protection. I hope she does.
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(Honestly, I'm still in shock that he could behave that way; I would almost bet that he has "interests" elsewhere. 
) I'm sure that with your support, she'll get through this, though.
