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DL-I understand what you are going through. I just moved to CLT and don't have friends. I'm not married and don't have kids nor want them so that social avenue is out. I do work but my coworkers are all under 21. Im 33...There's really not that much in common there. I would like to volunteer at an animal shelter but I'm way too afraid of bringing home 5000 animals!!!!!
The only thing I can suggest is to volunteer somewhere with things you enjoy or maybe go take some classes of interest at a community college. Best of luck
took a long nap (that's my typical way of dealing with stress/boredom/lonliness
I deal with these feelings with a nap too- actually if I could sleep 24/24 I would be happy right now-but it would mean I'm dead.....
Have you tried volunteering for an animal shelter or purebred dog rescue group yet? Even though you can't have a dog in your place, you can still help in other ways. Dogs in shelters need to be socialized and walked. Maybe you can do dog walks with another volunteer. When I was single and on long road trips a lot for work, my constant companion was a small terrier mix that I found in Georgia. She was wonderful company for me. Obviously a dog is not a substitute for a human friend, but they are pretty darn close.
For your next dwelling, it should be one that allows you to have dogs.
Dogs just aren't the same. They can't talk to you. They can't help you work through your problems. Yeah, you get unconditional love. But friends are supposed to help out in other ways, too.
Personally, DL, I think you need to stop having this ongoing pity party for yourself and get out there. There are people in the world with far more problems than you have who are managing to cope with it. How? By getting out of the house, stepping out of their cotton-picking comfort zones, and having the basic courage to assess what they're doing wrong in life. It's really not that hard. Just get out a legal pad and write down how all your relationships have gone bust. Then figure out what you did in common in all these relationships and change that about yourself.
Yeah, it takes some willpower, but happiness is a decision in life. Reading your past posts, it's pretty evident that you have not really made true effort at changing your life situation. Sure, you like to talk about, and you might have even made the token gesture or two. But you're really in the same place you were two years ago. And until you have the fundamental initiative to change things, you're going to remain in this self-perpetuating cycle. And a dog isn't going to fix matters.
Have you tried volunteering for an animal shelter or purebred dog rescue group yet? Even though you can't have a dog in your place, you can still help in other ways. Dogs in shelters need to be socialized and walked. Maybe you can do dog walks with another volunteer. When I was single and on long road trips a lot for work, my constant companion was a small terrier mix that I found in Georgia. She was wonderful company for me. Obviously a dog is not a substitute for a human friend, but they are pretty darn close.
For your next dwelling, it should be one that allows you to have dogs.
cpg35223 - Reread my post. But considering her user name, dog walking would be a great way for her to get out of her place and out mingling with the rest of the world. I've met many friendly people while walking my dogs. Having a friendly dog is a guaranteed people magnet.
The best friends are made between those that are attracted to each other by bonds of common cause, not purely for the sake of friendship and company. doglover really needs to find new fulfilling activities to occupy her time, and with that, making new friends will be an added bonus.
Personally, DL, I think you need to stop having this ongoing pity party for yourself and get out there. There are people in the world with far more problems than you have who are managing to cope with it. How? By getting out of the house, stepping out of their cotton-picking comfort zones, and having the basic courage to assess what they're doing wrong in life. It's really not that hard. Just get out a legal pad and write down how all your relationships have gone bust. Then figure out what you did in common in all these relationships and change that about yourself.
Yeah, it takes some willpower, but happiness is a decision in life. Reading your past posts, it's pretty evident that you have not really made true effort at changing your life situation. Sure, you like to talk about, and you might have even made the token gesture or two. But you're really in the same place you were two years ago. And until you have the fundamental initiative to change things, you're going to remain in this self-perpetuating cycle. And a dog isn't going to fix matters.
I agree with you completely. But really there's nothing I can think of in common with all the friendships that haven't worked out. They've all been so different. And I really have tried to make a true effort at changing things--not just token efforts. I joined social groups like meetup.com and religious groups, I posted and answered ads on Craig's List looking for friends, and I asked out many women for coffee or lunch, and DH and I invited couples out. I have no problem with taking the initiative and asking people out to do stuff. I've also invited co-workers out for lunch.
All of these outings with people went great, and both they and I had a lot of fun. I'm a fun person, outgoing, have a wide variety of interests and always have a lot to talk about. However, in most cases, I never heard from them again. The problem is that these invitations are generally not reciprocated, due to the "crazy busy" line I keep getting. So after asking out a gal for a couple of coffee dates, when I never get asked by her to do anything I take that as a sign that she's not interested in a friendship. This keeps happening, and after a couple of invitations I get discouraged.
I also have taken a number of adult ed and community college classes for fun (which I will continue to do) since I've been here. In addition, I joined my alumni club and go to activities. On top of that, I tried working with a life coach to try to get more clarity on things and try to get out of this rut. Well, none of this has worked. It's not like I'm going to stop doing these things, but it does get discouraging when after all that I still haven't made any friends.
I guess I just like to come on here and vent, since besides my hubby, I don't have anyone else to talk to about all this.
cpg35223 - Reread my post. But considering her user name, dog walking would be a great way for her to get out of her place and out mingling with the rest of the world. I've met many friendly people while walking my dogs. Having a friendly dog is a guaranteed people magnet.
The best friends are made between those that are attracted to each other by bonds of common cause, not purely for the sake of friendship and company. doglover really needs to find new fulfilling activities to occupy her time, and with that, making new friends will be an added bonus.
Yes, I understand all that, and I wasn't really hammering on you, Miu, for you tend to give empathetic and wise advice. My point was that, having read any number of her posts over the past few months, the OP always seems to be looking for the "magic bullet" to shake her out of her lethargy.
The truth is, in her past posts, she really hasn't wanted to do housework, she really hasn't wanted to work that hard, she really hasn't wanted to step out of her comfort zone to meet people, etc. etc. etc. etc. Yet she wants the world to magically unfold in front of her and embrace her. It just doesn't work that way.
If you want to enjoy life, you have to go out and be a participant in it. You have to step out of your comfort zone and do things that you normally wouldn't have done before. You have to go the extra mile to court new friends, for making friends is work. You have to develop new avocations and interests. You have to look at yourself and say, "Why am I the kind of person that other people will like to be around?" While you don't have to be a glad-handing social butterfly, you can't suck all the energy and life out of social gatherings and be expected to be invited back either. And if she's really not being invited back to dinner parties and the like, she needs to have the fundamental courage to examine her own behavior.
So, sorry about dissing dogs. It wasn't my intent at all.
Yes, I understand all that, and I wasn't really hammering on you, Miu, for you tend to give empathetic and wise advice. My point was that, having read any number of her posts over the past few months, the OP always seems to be looking for the "magic bullet" to shake her out of her lethargy.
The truth is, in her past posts, she really hasn't wanted to do housework, she really hasn't wanted to work that hard, she really hasn't wanted to step out of her comfort zone to meet people, etc. etc. etc. etc. Yet she wants the world to magically unfold in front of her and embrace her. It just doesn't work that way.
If you want to enjoy life, you have to go out and be a participant in it. You have to step out of your comfort zone and do things that you normally wouldn't have done before. You have to go the extra mile to court new friends, for making friends is work. You have to develop new avocations and interests. You have to look at yourself and say, "Why am I the kind of person that other people will like to be around?" While you don't have to be a glad-handing social butterfly, you can't suck all the energy and life out of social gatherings and be expected to be invited back either. And if she's really not being invited back to dinner parties and the like, she needs to have the fundamental courage to examine her own behavior.
So, sorry about dissing dogs. It wasn't my intent at all.
So what do you suggest I do now? I'd really like to hear. I've tried most of the traditional way to meet people, as I detailed above. I've tried the adult ed classes, the meetup.com groups, asking people out, religious groups, etc. I will plan on finding a place to volunteer and I am looking for a book club to join.
I actually don't have a dog, by the way. We live in a rental that doesn't allow them, but as soon as we move into a house we're going to get one!
So what exactly are your interests? I am still confused.....you say you've gone to group meet ups, but with what common focus???
Do you jog, ride a bike, swim, hike, kayak?
Cook, paint, knit, dance, do yoga?
Love baseball, football, hockey, soccer???
Tell us what you like to do for fun and/or relaxation (besides sleep) and we can give you more/better suggestions!
Most of the meetups have been women's social groups--20's and early 30's women's groups. They do things like happy hours, movies, etc. The religious groups have been 20's and 30's groups, mainly social groups. I also go to my alumni club events.
Other interests:
-reading
-sightseeing around DC/going to cultural events/museums/going to performances
-taking adult ed classes and learning new things
-trying new restaurants
-artistic stuff
-outdoor activities like hiking
-animals
So what do you suggest I do now? I'd really like to hear. I've tried most of the traditional way to meet people, as I detailed above. I've tried the adult ed classes, the meetup.com groups, asking people out, religious groups, etc. I will plan on finding a place to volunteer and I am looking for a book club to join.
Check the post cpg made just before the one you quoted.
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