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I posted a few weeks in regards to my wife leaving me. We had been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. She left because she said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me and basically didn’t want be with me anymore. She said she had been feeling this way since the start of the Year and that there was no hope for us. She swore she hadn’t been cheating which now a few weeks more have passed I do believe she is telling the truth about.
I have done everything I can save the relationship I have sent flowers, wrote cards, sent poems, wrote letters and tried to make her see that we have too much to throw away. She completely refused to try and told me that there was no chance of marriage counselling. She has been staying with a friend for the past two weeks. We agreed that she needed some space and so far haven’t actually told my family about it. Everything is so damn amicable and my wife says she feels like we have grown apart of the years and that we are more like friends. She said she needs her freedom and feels like she missed some of her youth. It’s a real case of the grass could be greener on the other side. I still don’t think she is seeing the full fall out of her decision as at the moment she is sheltered from it.
After a serious amount of negotiation she agreed to try this week and we are meeting up twice. She did say though that she really doesn’t think it will make any difference. That her mind is made up and she just cannot come home. That she wants different things and that I deserve much better. She has looked into apartments and how divorce procedures do work. Again I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I am playing a waiting game as on Saturday she is basically going to give me her final answer.
I know many will say and have said that in time she may see the light. After no contact at all that she may come around. Does anybody have any advice for how to bring back her love for me? Or ways that I can bring up memories and get her to relax without being too obvious?
Any advice would be fantastic.
Thanks, Tom
Tom. My advice is to step away for a bit. Writing poems, buying flowers, and doing all kinds of things is counter-productive. It's as if you're saying, "See how awesome I am, how could you possibly live without me. Please don't go." It comes across as needy and puts pressure on her. I am not judging here, I'm speaking from my own personal experience.
I bought flowers, Cd's, and did all this provider stuff without getting into the emotional side of things. Actions speak louder than words. So step away and let things take their course. I know that will be hard, but it's the right thing to do. We can't change people, we can only hope they change their mind.
After having been there and done that, the best advice is to do for you. Whatever you want to do, do it. Don't think about it, just do it. Want to go somewhere, go. Want to do something, do it. Focus soley on yourself so you can prove to yourself that you're ok with yourself. Don't let your relationship be the only thing that validates you. Validate yourself.
Ok, this is my first time here and I'm going to try and be brief as possible.
On July 28th my wife says she doesn't love me the way I deserve. My initial reaction ways emotional overload and no reaction. Of course this is deemed as me not caring but I do care, I just didn't know how to react.
I immediately burried my feelings and tried to control the situation. I didn't let my anger out because I always associated anger as deconstructive, rage, and revenge. In stead of saying how I feel, I went right into denial and tried to "fix it."
I started being nicer, more affectionate, and telling her how much I love her and was doing all this nice stuff to show her that she couldn't live without me. For her birthday in August, I bought 3 cd's and a dozen roses. To say I was making myself look needy is quite the understatement.
We went into marriage counseling almost immediately after she told me. I thought the therapist was biased saying I was in denial and looking needy. I then went into individual counseling and lo and behold I came to learn that I was in denial, I was being needy, and I wasn't addressing my feelings or faults.
We separate. That first week I was calling and coming over a lot. my individual counselor was like "Do you not respect her enough as a person to give her the space she wants?" So I back off. No calling, emailing, or visiting. Next thing I know, she asks me to dinner because our marriage counselor said we should do dinner and keep communication open. Cool, she came to me for once. Dinner was good. I go home and start journaling.
I work on my feelings and myself. I release all that I've been holding onto. I tell my wife that I have been upset with her but now I'm ok. While I love her and want to share my life with her, I don't need her and I can live without her.
The next week I was going to call her to see if she wanted to do dinner but she beat me to the punch and emailed it to me. This time is was, i need help giving the cats medicine could you come over and since you would be here would you like to do dinner? I come over, give the cat the medicine and immediately ask, "Do you want me here for dinner because the therapist says we should do dinner, or because you want me here?" Her reply.....both.
I tell her I am not going to come around if she doesn't want me there for the soul reason of having me there. If she needs a reason like the cat or the therapist says so, that's obligation not want to. I value our relationship more than just because someone says we should be in it.
Of course she has doubts and a lot of guilt. She didn't tell me this not loving me thing until a year after my father died. One month after I proposed he was diagnosed with cancer. One year from that day we burried him. Right before we got married her mom had a nervous breakdown. 2 months after we're married my brother is shipped off to Iraq. So yeah, a lot was going on. I don't begrudge her not telling me earlier.
So now she's told me. She feels guilty that we've been married almost 2 years and she's felt like this all along. By that, I mean the whole doubt thing. I added to her guilt by doing all that nice stuff. I told her she should feel guilty, but I apologize if I added anything to her guilt.
Last night we had a good date. We did the dinner, had some drinks, and talked. I email her this morning saying I thought last night was kind of like a movie. There was laughter, crying, action, and adventure. A skink came in the house and I had to catch it. She replies back about the animals being sick but nothing about last night. I emailed back, hopefully we didn't give the animals some food that made them feel ill, and if last night was to much I will back off. Her reply, I'm taking the cat to the vet, and last night was fine.
Now, I'm like, did you enjoy last night or not? but I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to leave her be until our next marriage counseling session tomorrow night. I just wish she would be direct with her feelings. I have been as of late. I've forgiven her for what she said. I've forgiven myself for being so needy and have worked on that. Even my wife says she's noticed a change in me. Perhaps because I don't respond to her every beck and call. I make myself unavailable now without completely cutting her off. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and with each other. I'm willing, she seems to be willing, this just is a long hard road.
I'll answer any questions you have or take any advice you have. There is a lot more to our backgrounds and this story but I've made this longer than I meant to.
Hurting someone else, isn't a nice thing to do, it's very hard...and the guilt of hurting someone all but kills you. Can you understand for one moment, how difficult it had to be for her to tell you she doesn't feel the way she should towards you? Put yourself in her place and try and tell her the same thing. It's probably been festering in her for a long long time..she probably cries about it, and feels sick over it.
You have to understand that when two people start dating, they fall in love with lust and not the person they're dating. We jump into bed with each other way to fast, validate our love for each other and we don't really know the other person, not really.
It takes a long time to get to know someone, and here you are, the sex isn't like it was, and you've come back to reality and wake up next to a person, you realize, your not really in love with????? It's horrible...and a mistake a lot of people make. Once your living together and/or married, you take each other for granted...and quit frankly, I don't think your really listening...I think, your only thinking about what you want...and not what she wants and needs. I'm not saying she's right and your wrong...but you cannot make people love you or like you...it's got to be mutual.
I don't believe to be honest, that she will ever feel the same way she thought she felt for you at one time. She's probably agreeing to counseling and dating b/c she feels guilty, she feels like the epidomy of disgust for herself b/c she can't love you. Do you really want her that way? Or, can you love her enough to let her go? Because, all your doing is drawing this out.
Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone you love is to let them go. It's not you, nothing you did, really, she just probably wasn't in love with you in the first place, but thought she was....
I'm not trying to hurt you...just being honest and hopefully you'll see things from her side...instead of just yours.
I am giving her space. I let her come to me. I'm not going to chase or pursue her. She has issues and I have issues to work out. With all the confusion and issues there's no chance for love to grow. But she has to be willing to change the way I am. So far she's making an effort.
Yup that's true..!
It is always good to sort out the issues by yourself. That is where one can form a bond of love..
gud luck..
Tom. My advice is to step away for a bit. Writing poems, buying flowers, and doing all kinds of things is counter-productive. It's as if you're saying, "See how awesome I am, how could you possibly live without me. Please don't go." It comes across as needy and puts pressure on her. I am not judging here, I'm speaking from my own personal experience.
I bought flowers, Cd's, and did all this provider stuff without getting into the emotional side of things. Actions speak louder than words. So step away and let things take their course. I know that will be hard, but it's the right thing to do. We can't change people, we can only hope they change their mind.
After having been there and done that, the best advice is to do for you. Whatever you want to do, do it. Don't think about it, just do it. Want to go somewhere, go. Want to do something, do it. Focus soley on yourself so you can prove to yourself that you're ok with yourself. Don't let your relationship be the only thing that validates you. Validate yourself.
I have seen it from her side. In my dating since my divorce I know what it's like to have someone get really into me but me not be really into them. Granted I didn't wait 3 years to say something. I've learned once you realize you aren't feeling chemistry with a person after dating a little while, do the right thing and cut it off.
Its time to move on.
You guys caught it early.
Smart.....very smart.
No sense in prolonging the inevitable.
The inevitable has come and pass. We now are mutual friends who see each other sparingly. We don't linger or hold eye contact in that longing way. I can tell there's still an odd tension, but no where near the extent as it was before.
Will we ever get back together, I doubt it. Do I want us to get back together? Not unless we're ready and are both in a place where we want to be together. If that doesn't happen then we'll remain mutual friends and that's ok.
I prefer we both be happy with who we are where we are. I don't want either of us trying to settle for less than we want.
When I really truly love someone, no matter how hurt they have made me, this absence gives me time to really evaluate that love.
Don't push this. If it was meant to be...just let it be. It is the hardest thing to do, but rewarding in the end because then you'll know.
Let life guide itself here. For both of your sakes.
Very true. I feel that we all in relationships that end have a moment of craziness. We do all the things possible to ruin a relationship. We believe we're doing the right thing, but in hindsight we realized that we were screwing up from the get go. If only we had hindsight as foresight.
She and I have stepped away from each other. we see each other only sparingly and when needed. It's strange being friends with that history. But it isn't the end of the world.
that's the thing about divorces. They suck, but they aren't the end of the world. We all, at some point, have to learn to let go.
I found out my ex is now with the guy she was emailing when we were married. Thing is, this guy is married. What makes that intriguing is that she always hated her dad for cheating on her mom.
I guess so long as it's happening to someone else it's ok.
The lesson here is that if you're told by your significant other that he/she does not love you, know that person actually means it. No amount of therapy will change this. Do therapy for peace of mind if you need to, just know that his/her mind had been made up for a while. Once their mind is made up, you're only along for the ride to the bitter end.
However, you can choose how you react. Keep your head up. It feels like the end of the world but it isn't. It hurts, it sucks, but you move on. If you find yourself in this situation, have fun for yourself.
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