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Dude, the therapy is a waste of time. You are a nice guy trapped in a spider web. I think you are going above and beyond attending counseling. The problem isn't you.
You don't need counseling because you are a good person. You just need to know you can find better, be loved even if you are by yourself, move on, and it doesn't make you bad that you were needy.....we all have needs...I think the relationship you are in fostered or reinforced the overly neediness....good luck and get out.
anyone who gores thru something as devestating and stressful as this can use counseling. While it certainly does sound like he has his ducks in a row, counseling will never hurt him...I can't believe you said that? When something like this happens, you have so many up and down moments, that sound support and advice from a theropist does help.
Yes, he is a good person, but this has got to be confusing to him, not to mention dispairing. And, one thing I don't understand...
Why are you continuing to see each other, why a football game with your mother...I don't understand?
anyone who gores thru something as devestating and stressful as this can use counseling. While it certainly does sound like he has his ducks in a row, counseling will never hurt him...I can't believe you said that? When something like this happens, you have so many up and down moments, that sound support and advice from a theropist does help.
Yes, he is a good person, but this has got to be confusing to him, not to mention dispairing. And, one thing I don't understand...
Why are you continuing to see each other, why a football game with your mother...I don't understand?
It's best if we stay in contact so as not to lose communication. We are separated not divorced. The tickets to the game were bought way in advance and we both love the team, my mom wanted to go, so she came with. It was my mom's first game.
I'm going to talk to my wife later in the week and be like, do you like me to be around or not? If you do I'm coming back home. If you don't, then let's do what we have to do. It's that easy. Or it's that hard.
I don't like to be played. We're both paying bills for the house while I am at my mothers. That leaves me to ask, is she staying married to me out of want to or need to? Anything less than want to and I don't need to be bothered with it. Let's end it now and call it a day. If it's out of want to, then call me, tell me you want me, tell me you were wrong, apologize, and let's move forward from here.
John, Your thought processes are remarkably ordered. I think you have things in perspective. One things though; as I tell my 14 year old daughter ALL THE TIME, don't put yourself in a position that someone else controls your decisions. You're leaving it completely up to your wife whether or not you are with her, and that's not good. That's a lot for one person to determine the fate of another.
Asking her to make the decision is what I'm talking about. That leaves you wide open for being used. If the two of you sat down and things were laid out in black and white, i.e., she understands exactly where you stand, and how far you're willing to go providing she is willing to go the distance as well, that lets her know your marriage is both her hands, AND yours. Maybe that will inspire her to realize that you are trying, but not so desperate that you will allow your feelings to be walked on. It also shows your strength.
To be honest, the woman would have to be crazy to let you go. She can find love in her heart, even it's not the all consuming kind of first love (maybe that's what she was looking for), and given time, grow into something that will be stronger and more lasting than any other kind either of you have known.
By the way, I think the football game was a great idea.
John, i have been reading these posts, and i have posted myself, I personally dont agree with most of them but i do have to agree with 925mine. With you leaving decision up to your wife, is not a good idea. Not for you nor for her. She is having a hard enough time with her own feelings and emotions, and she may realize that what ever she decides she is actually deciding for the both of you. That may make this alot harder for her.
I believe your on the right track regardless of what others say. They may say one thing on here but if they were ever in that situation who's to say what they would do.
John I am not sure how young you and your wife are Marriage goes through really bad times like the 1rst, 3rd, 5th ,7th and 10th year. Not sure why but it does. Sometimes we think our marriage needs that " can't keep my hands off you feeling" all the time. It usually mellows after a year and even more in time. How good of friends are you? How much does she love herself?( maybe she feels she does not deserve you) How much do you have in common? Maybe you have tried this but try doing things you have never done together before. Things she wants and things you want. Seek common ground as much as possible. I will pray for you. good luck
John, Your thought processes are remarkably ordered. I think you have things in perspective. One things though; as I tell my 14 year old daughter ALL THE TIME, don't put yourself in a position that someone else controls your decisions. You're leaving it completely up to your wife whether or not you are with her, and that's not good. That's a lot for one person to determine the fate of another.
Asking her to make the decision is what I'm talking about. That leaves you wide open for being used. If the two of you sat down and things were laid out in black and white, i.e., she understands exactly where you stand, and how far you're willing to go providing she is willing to go the distance as well, that lets her know your marriage is both her hands, AND yours. Maybe that will inspire her to realize that you are trying, but not so desperate that you will allow your feelings to be walked on. It also shows your strength.
To be honest, the woman would have to be crazy to let you go. She can find love in her heart, even it's not the all consuming kind of first love (maybe that's what she was looking for), and given time, grow into something that will be stronger and more lasting than any other kind either of you have known.
By the way, I think the football game was a great idea.
I have not thought about it that way. I guess that would put a lot of pressure on a person. I've done my best to not put any pressure on her and viola I'm handing her perhaps the largest decision she will ever have to make; and it involves me. I believe I should have some say in it. Point well taken and I appreciate the input.
Next time I see her I will mention that. I will just say you know, "you say you're racked with guilt and I wish you could forgive yourself. People are flawed, we aren't perfect. We make mistakes. It's ok to make a mistake. Also, with this guilt it would seemingly be impossible to make such a decision on your own. There's no way to think clearly on your future if you can't forgive your past. Let's make this choice together. I can't force you to do anything and I am not asking you to change who you are. I am just asking that we do this together."
He has been in counseling and look at him. He is still in the dumps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
anyone who gores thru something as devestating and stressful as this can use counseling. While it certainly does sound like he has his ducks in a row, counseling will never hurt him...I can't believe you said that? When something like this happens, you have so many up and down moments, that sound support and advice from a theropist does help.
Yes, he is a good person, but this has got to be confusing to him, not to mention dispairing. And, one thing I don't understand...
Why are you continuing to see each other, why a football game with your mother...I don't understand?
John, i have been reading these posts, and i have posted myself, I personally dont agree with most of them but i do have to agree with 925mine. With you leaving decision up to your wife, is not a good idea. Not for you nor for her. She is having a hard enough time with her own feelings and emotions, and she may realize that what ever she decides she is actually deciding for the both of you. That may make this alot harder for her.
I believe your on the right track regardless of what others say. They may say one thing on here but if they were ever in that situation who's to say what they would do.
Sunshineann, I take what everyone says with a grain of salt. There is no way for anyone to truly know the situation so if someone makes a judgement call I will read it but not take it to heart. Ultimately the judging and decision making is up to me and I know that. And you're right, who's to say how anyone would react in this situation? There are quitters and there are fighters. I've quit enough in my lifetime to know that quitting is a coward's way. I will continue to fight until the end good or bad. Might I come out of this heartbroken? Most definitely! Might I come out of this with a relationship built on granite? Again, most definitely. As long as I do right by me and my wife, I can at least say I've done everything possible.
John I am not sure how young you and your wife are Marriage goes through really bad times like the 1rst, 3rd, 5th ,7th and 10th year. Not sure why but it does. Sometimes we think our marriage needs that " can't keep my hands off you feeling" all the time. It usually mellows after a year and even more in time. How good of friends are you? How much does she love herself?( maybe she feels she does not deserve you) How much do you have in common? Maybe you have tried this but try doing things you have never done together before. Things she wants and things you want. Seek common ground as much as possible. I will pray for you. good luck
I turn 30 next week and my wife just turned 26. We are youngun's. We're each other's best friend. Up until this point we had shared our most intimate details with one another until She got the tingles and decided to email a person at her office for 2 weeks. She got caught up in the moment, enjoyed the conversation and then she realized, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!" and she broke it off. She doesn't want to be her dad. She said she could never cause a person pain the way her father did to her mother. I'm assuming that little emotional affair has a lot to do with her guilt.
I know a lot of you are about to say, "Aha! We told she's a two timing good for nothing!" That's for me to decide. I've forgiven her. I've been angry, went into denial over it, and then I decided to not play the role of the victim. I'm focusing on how we can heal our relationship, how we can rebuild our trust, how we can build a foundation again.
As I said, people make mistakes and I have forgiveness in my heart. Yet, if I find out that I am being "played" well then, again, I will do what I need to do. Yet, until that time comes I will continue to support her through her counseling, I will continue my own, and we will continue to carry on through marriage counseling. I am going to ask her to be more direct with her feelings and let her know that the decision to remain married is not her's alone and that we have to make it together.
There aren't enough men like you in this world. So many would have walked away for so many different reasons. She must be some special lady for you to be so patient and understanding. But then, maybe she's so special BECAUSE you're so patient and understanding.
I hope you take a good look at yourself and realize you DO deserve a good, solid relationship, happiness and a woman who is as devoted to you as you are to her. And I hope your wife decides she wants to be that woman.
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When something like this happens, you have so many up and down moments, that sound support and advice from a theropist does help.
