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Thanks everyone and thanks christina. A couple of previous poster asked some questions in a legalistic way which is legit, but I feel like I tried to address those already. I never asked about legal rights or said I wanted money - I'm just asking about the connection, I guess, between inheritance and meaning. If you have four children sitting down to dinner, do you feed Big Macs to two of them and filet mignon to the other two? (metaphorically?) Do you buy school clothes for two of them at Wal-Mart and for the other two at Neiman Marcus? I'm just asking how people want to live their lives - if they think it is worth the price of giving privilege over "family" and "real life". What ... is the meaning of our lives in the end? I hope this makes sense to someone.
It DOES make sense - perfect sense. Blossom you deserved the filet mignon too, so sorry your dad was clueless to how this made you feel
If I can add my experience for perspective...my beloved step dad died a few years back. He was in my life since I was 3. But he had gone thru a bitter divorce years before and his 5 children were encouraged by their mom until the end of his life to blame us that they didn't get to finish growing up with him in their house. When he knew he was dying he made sure to have all his financial things in order. He left a huge amount of money to his 5 bio kids, but only $10,000 a piece for me and my sisters. At first I was confused by that - several of them had ignored him for years while we were very close to him. But my mom helped me to understand that for those hurting "kids" (we were all in our 30's and 40's by that point) the big inheritance to them was his way of trying to prove to them that he'd never forgotten them and that they were a priority to him in an effort to ease the lingering pain the divorce from their mother had caused them. Not to mention, we were the ones lucky enough to be raised by him, to have the time with him, that his kids didn't because of the bitter ex. His presence in my life, all the things he taught me, all the love he gave me were truly priceless. She made me see I had already received "my" inheritance. And even though they got the big bucks, I'm the richer person
It DOES make sense - perfect sense. Blossom you deserved the filet mignon too, so sorry your dad was clueless to how this made you feel
If I can add my experience for perspective...my beloved step dad died a few years back. He was in my life since I was 3. But he had gone thru a bitter divorce years before and his 5 children were encouraged by their mom until the end of his life to blame us that they didn't get to finish growing up with him in their house. When he knew he was dying he made sure to have all his financial things in order. He left a huge amount of money to his 5 bio kids, but only $10,000 a piece for me and my sisters. At first I was confused by that - several of them had ignored him for years while we were very close to him. But my mom helped me to understand that for those hurting "kids" (we were all in our 30's and 40's by that point) the big inheritance to them was his way of trying to prove to them that he'd never forgotten them and that they were a priority to him. Not to mention, we were the ones lucky enough to be raised by him, to have the time with him, that his kids didn't because of the bitter ex. His presence in my life, all the things he taught me, all the love he gave me were truly priceless. She made me see I had already received "my" inheritance. And even though they got the big bucks, I'm the richer person
You really don't feel any resentment...? Money aside, I would... To me it would spell out clearly that all my life were a charade and now it's been made clear I always were a second-hand citizen...
You really don't feel any resentment...? Money aside, I would... To me it would spell out clearly that all my life were a charade and now it's been made clear I always were a second-hand citizen...
NOT AT ALL!! My step-dad was awesome, sent us all 8 to college, paid for our weddings - treated us the same his whole life. I completely understand that this was his last attempt to bring some healing to a few of his kids who had been so poisoned by their mother. After his death and the receipt of their inheritance they finally believed he had loved them. Now of course he always loved them, they just were taught to believe something else. The decision he made to do it the way he did makes sense to me - he wanted them to have peace and be assured he truly cared. If that meant they needed to believe he loved us less because he gave us so much less than so be it - I know the truth and completely understand the sad motivation behind what he did.
It DOES make sense - perfect sense. Blossom you deserved the filet mignon too, so sorry your dad was clueless to how this made you feel
If I can add my experience for perspective...my beloved step dad died a few years back. He was in my life since I was 3. But he had gone thru a bitter divorce years before and his 5 children were encouraged by their mom until the end of his life to blame us that they didn't get to finish growing up with him in their house. When he knew he was dying he made sure to have all his financial things in order. He left a huge amount of money to his 5 bio kids, but only $10,000 a piece for me and my sisters. At first I was confused by that - several of them had ignored him for years while we were very close to him. But my mom helped me to understand that for those hurting "kids" (we were all in our 30's and 40's by that point) the big inheritance to them was his way of trying to prove to them that he'd never forgotten them and that they were a priority to him in an effort to ease the lingering pain the divorce from their mother had caused them. Not to mention, we were the ones lucky enough to be raised by him, to have the time with him, that his kids didn't because of the bitter ex. His presence in my life, all the things he taught me, all the love he gave me were truly priceless. She made me see I had already received "my" inheritance. And even though they got the big bucks, I'm the richer person
huge thank you's for this ... again, we think the money has meaning and it does mean something, but the relationships that we trust have more meaning (if I may be so emotional) - too much wine tonight.
huge thank you's for this ... again, we think the money has meaning and it does mean something, but the relationships that we trust have more meaning (if I may be so emotional) - too much wine tonight.
EXACTLY. My relationship with my step-dad made me a very rich person. He was just a wonderful man and gave me more than money could ever buy. I would trade all the money I have to have him back on this earth with me now - I miss him so much.
NOT AT ALL!! My step-dad was awesome, sent us all 8 to college, paid for our weddings - treated us the same his whole life. I completely understand that this was his last attempt to bring some healing to a few of his kids who had been so poisoned by their mother. After his death and the receipt of their inheritance they finally believed he had loved them. Now of course he always loved them, they just were taught to believe something else. The decision he made to do it the way he did makes sense to me - he wanted them to have peace and be assured he truly cared. If that meant they needed to believe he loved us less because he gave us so much less than so be it - I know the truth and completely understand the sad motivation behind what he did.
yes, and we don't necessarily know the timing and context of the legal decisions. I think we should trust our experiences. I initially thought this post was addressed to me and I was going to say ... "Yes! I'm very resentful, it's all been a charade!". I think my stepmother has been playing a role (I always think of the role of Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People) but my step brother and sister have always been kind and genuine. They never asked to be born into any sort of conflict or confusion. And perhaps my stepmother has been as genuine .. as she is able to be.
EXACTLY. My relationship with my step-dad made me a very rich person. He was just a wonderful man and gave me more than money could ever buy. I would trade all the money I have to have him back on this earth with me now - I miss him so much.
thank you, lovesmountains, for entering this discussion and for all of your comments. soooo helpful. [I also now have a stepfather I just adore - he has NO money whatsoever which simplifies things ].
Thanks everyone and thanks christina. A couple of previous poster asked some questions in a legalistic way which is legit, but I feel like I tried to address those already. I never asked about legal rights or said I wanted money - I'm just asking about the connection, I guess, between inheritance and meaning. If you have four children sitting down to dinner, do you feed Big Macs to two of them and filet mignon to the other two? (metaphorically?) Do you buy school clothes for two of them at Wal-Mart and for the other two at Neiman Marcus? I'm just asking how people want to live their lives - if they think it is worth the price of giving privilege over "family" and "real life". What ... is the meaning of our lives in the end? I hope this makes sense to someone.
No one is sitting you down to dinner here. This is inheritance of family money and you're not family. You have a mother and father to inherit from. Your step brothers and sisters have THEIR father and mother to inherit from. There's no reason, emotional or otherwise to think you'd inherit what is family money for her.
It would be different if you were talking about an estate your father and she built. Then you would have every right to feel slighted if everything were left to a step brother and sister, as is my case. I watched them inherit not only family money from my family but everything my father built. Unfortunately, once my step mother inherited everything, it was hers to do as she wished and she wished to leave it to her kids.
My husband will inherit a sizable estate. As his wife, I lay no claim to that. That is family money and should pass down the famly. I just married into this family. I feel I'm owed nothing of that inheritance. It will go to the kids. If I had kids from a previous relationship, they would not be included in that distribution nor should they think they should be.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Step families can be such a difficult family dynamic! I would be upset if it was me.
I am 99.9% sure that if my Dad passes first, that I will receive nothing and all the money will go to my step brother and sister.
I haven't seen either of my Dad's last two houses - it's been 14 + years since I've been to the village where they live.
My step sister lives in the same village in the house that they first lived in, and my step brother lives in the house they just moved out of a couple of years ago. Lucky them for getting to buy heavily discounted homes while my husband and I had to do everything ourselves.
I like my step brother and sister - not that I see them often, but my step mother is dire. I don't even think that my Dad is happy which just makes it worse.
I don't expect any inheritance and just hope that his life gets more exciting than just tending his vegetables which is all the joy he seems to have right now. Sigh.
OP I don't blame you at all for feeling sad about this, but what can you do? Just try to make the best of things and be the better person.
NOT AT ALL!! My step-dad was awesome, sent us all 8 to college, paid for our weddings - treated us the same his whole life. I completely understand that this was his last attempt to bring some healing to a few of his kids who had been so poisoned by their mother. After his death and the receipt of their inheritance they finally believed he had loved them. Now of course he always loved them, they just were taught to believe something else. The decision he made to do it the way he did makes sense to me - he wanted them to have peace and be assured he truly cared. If that meant they needed to believe he loved us less because he gave us so much less than so be it - I know the truth and completely understand the sad motivation behind what he did.
Glad you really feel this way. Most of the time the absent parent ends up spoiling the kids he doesn't live with rotten. Some children almost dream their parents get divorced so they can play them against each other and get their way with everything.
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Money aside, I would... To me it would spell out clearly that all my life were a charade and now it's been made clear I always were a second-hand citizen...
