Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
[SIZE=2]Still here 2 1/2 years later and not sure if we will ever have a future. He was married 15 years very happily. He is without children. He did say when we met though that his wife let him do whatever he wanted and he thought it unlikely that he would find someone who would be that way. We've gone through many hard situations but we still have managed to stay together. His wife died 5 years ago. He is very close to her family and calls them his own family. I am only his second relationship since then. The first lasted 3 months and he let it go because she insisted he get rid of the 50 pictures at his place.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He says he didn't feel for her the way he feels for me. We have gone through many challenging times. He let me know that he liked to drink quite a bit about 4 months into the relationship. I believe it is to medicate himself. He works on limiting himself when I ask him to, but its challenging and he's out of town all week so who knows?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He eventually did take down many of the pictures for me saying he was only doing so because I let him know how they made me feel and because I didn't demand it of him. I used to have a lot of anxiety about this situation as I never dated a widower before and was very frustrated at his unwillingness to let go and move on. After a year, an out of town sister of his, also a widow knowing of the troubles we were having replaced my pictures with those of her own and his late wives when she visited him last. She didn't feel I had the right to make any demands on him what so ever. She never moved on herself and gave the impression she didn't approve of him moving on. I was destroyed to hear that. Mostly because I felt he should have protected me and stood up for us both. We broke up for 2 months because of this.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Now a year later, I have renewed self-esteem. I've replaced my pictures back where they belong. I've learned to be firm on the drinking issue. I've let him know that I'm not going to stay in a relationship that doesn't move forward. He has lessened his visits with his in-laws and says he will spend the holidays with me this year, which is a change. He still though has not told his sister that he is has been seeing me and says he can't until he feels sure of us. Sometimes I think he is as afraid to let me go as much as he is afraid to move forward. I'm losing patience and interest. He's a great guy but I'm not sure he will ever be MY great guy.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Still here 2 1/2 years later and not sure if we will ever have a future. He was married 15 years very happily. He is without children. He did say when we met though that his wife let him do whatever he wanted and he thought it unlikely that he would find someone who would be that way. We've gone through many hard situations but we still have managed to stay together. His wife died 5 years ago. He is very close to her family and calls them his own family. I am only his second relationship since then. The first lasted 3 months and he let it go because she insisted he get rid of the 50 pictures at his place.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He says he didn't feel for her the way he feels for me. We have gone through many challenging times. He let me know that he liked to drink quite a bit about 4 months into the relationship. I believe it is to medicate himself. He works on limiting himself when I ask him to, but its challenging and he's out of town all week so who knows?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He eventually did take down many of the pictures for me saying he was only doing so because I let him know how they made me feel and because I didn't demand it of him. I used to have a lot of anxiety about this situation as I never dated a widower before and was very frustrated at his unwillingness to let go and move on. After a year, an out of town sister of his, also a widow knowing of the troubles we were having replaced my pictures with those of her own and his late wives when she visited him last. She didn't feel I had the right to make any demands on him what so ever. She never moved on herself and gave the impression she didn't approve of him moving on. I was destroyed to hear that. Mostly because I felt he should have protected me and stood up for us both. We broke up for 2 months because of this.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Now a year later, I have renewed self-esteem. I've replaced my pictures back where they belong. I've learned to be firm on the drinking issue. I've let him know that I'm not going to stay in a relationship that doesn't move forward. He has lessened his visits with his in-laws and says he will spend the holidays with me this year, which is a change. He still though has not told his sister that he is has been seeing me and says he can't until he feels sure of us. Sometimes I think he is as afraid to let me go as much as he is afraid to move forward. I'm losing patience and interest. He's a great guy but I'm not sure he will ever be MY great guy.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
Send me a PM if you want to chat further about this, I might be able to provide some perspective etc.
I am a widower and have actually been heading into the dating scene again.
I was married almost 13 years and have 2 kids.
I also like a particular girl but she seems to have qualms about dating a widower. Granted, the last gal that had qualms about dating me (age difference) wound up being my wife lol)
A couple comments:
1) How did his wife die?
2) I am very close to my wife's family which is predominantly her parents...but then again I have 1/2 thier grandchildren and they are good people. They will NOT be leaving the picture when I get serious with someone but I know they would treat anyone I move forward with very well.
3) He very well might have liked his drinks before his wife passed, irregardless seems like you two have addressed this.
Bottom line: Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, if you aren't happy with the direction of the relationship, move on. He has had long enough that the widower thing is moot at this point, either you are happy *enough* with the situation or you aren't.
I can see both sides of it. This may be the best he can offer right now. It does sound like he is trying to compromise, but I imagine it will take many small steps before he even has a chance of being "your" guy. Frankly, I wouldn't blame you if you decided to just move on and find someone with less baggage, but being that you really like him and that he seems to be trying, I'd hang in there.
I am living common law with a widower His wife died from cancer in 2004. We have been living together for year. My problem is I dont feel special . I feel guilty alot as I dont like when he talks about her I don't say anything about it but I want him to see how lucky he is to find someone who loves him as it is not that easy to come by. I feel horrible that I am jealous of her. How stupid is that. It is hard living in the image of a saint. Her ashes are in his gun room his favorite spot so I dont even want to go in there. I hate myself for feeling this way but I do.
I am living common law with a widower His wife died from cancer in 2004. We have been living together for year. My problem is I dont feel special . I feel guilty alot as I dont like when he talks about her I don't say anything about it but I want him to see how lucky he is to find someone who loves him as it is not that easy to come by. I feel horrible that I am jealous of her. How stupid is that. It is hard living in the image of a saint. Her ashes are in his gun room his favorite spot so I dont even want to go in there. I hate myself for feeling this way but I do.
While I sympathize with their wives dying on them, I find the actions of both of these widowers very selfish. They're having their cake and eating it too. It's not fair to their new girlfriends that they haven't gotten over their dead wives yet. They get to love their memories and they get the sex from their girlfriends. Who knows if they are secretly fantasizing at night that the body next to them in bed is really their dead wife? These new girlfriends are being treated like mistresses and it's not fair to them.
Widowers and widows should NOT be dating until they have stopped mourning the loss of their mates. It's just not fair to the people they date.
This is why I would never get into a serious relationship with a widower. The relationship didn't end because of cheating or one party walking out. The person died. You never actually stopped loving the dead spouse.
It sounds like he's doing the best he can with you. That may not be good enough for you. You can't force him to move on. He needs to do it at his own pace.
For the other poster, it's not stupid to feel jealous, and you shouldn't feel bad about feeling that way. No one should ever have to live in someone else's shadow.
I'm dating again now and I have been widowed 7 months but it has been 2 years since the terminal diagnosis and she was an utter physical wreck pretty much that entire time until passing. So I was caregiver and if you ever have first hand experience of advancing metastic cancer (bone etc.) then you understand that death is not the worst part.
My wife wasn't a saint, neither am I. We were a great fit and loved each other dearly.
With that said, she actually told me to remarry and frankly I feel NO guilt about dating because whenever I feel guilty (survivors guilt etc.) I remember that my wife felt bad for leaving me alone to raise the kids etc. and that she wanted me to be happy.
Two things to consider:
1) I am *only* 38, I'm not rooted in my ways or all mopey anymore. I grieved starting with the terminal diagnosis and stopped grieving about 3 months ago. In fact, I joined a gym and lost 25lbs since then. I also have *needs* both physical and emotional that have been put on hold for quite some time that drives me to find someone special and treat them accordingly.
2) I think people need to talk about the dead spouse and that they should be respectful of each other and work through any jealous feelings. Hey, the person IS NOT coming back...talk it out. Heck, you can be jealous about lots of things...the ex that they are friendly with or previous lovers....blah blah blah....both people need to work through this.
Anyway, I have a lunch date and an after work date today so wish me luck. Some gal out there is going to click with me and might be quite happy to wind up on the receiving end of the affections of a guy that has been lonely for too long.
I do believe he is doing the best he can. I am unsure if there is anything I can do to help. It is a process that he has to go through and come to terms with. I lost a boyfriend prior to him with a heart attack so I am not clueless to the griving process. I try really hard not to bring past relationships into this one. It has to stand on its own merit. I am hopeful that he will figure it out soon. I am sure that the dynamics are much different than his marriage as I am a career women and very independent and she stayed home and he supported her. Lifestlye is much different for him as well and that is an adjustment . I am understanding to a point but my point is gettin dull lol.
thanks for your thoughts
I can relate! I've been seeing a guy for almost 4 years because I haven't had the energy to look for anyone else in my rural area, and he's very kind/nice. However, he still follows (rigidly) all of the family traditions that he and his wife and kids had, and there's no room for any introduction of new traditions involving me. Nor does he want to stay overnight in any place except the bedroom that he and his wife shared, and he doesn't invite me to stay there. It's totally weird and freaky.... if I were actually in a hurry to find a soulmate, I would end this completely, but since I'm basically waiting until my younger child graduates from high school in 1 1/2 years, this is some basic companionship. When I try to talk to him about any of these topics, he shows no emotion and gives no response. It's truly more of a friendship than a romance but he's in a dream world where he thinks just having somebody as a placeholder for his dead wife will do the trick. For me, it's dreadfully boring, but he's a pleasant person, but again, short-term until I can get out of this small-town area and go to a place where there are more interesting people to spend time with. There IS something about widowers, though, that makes it very sad for the next woman who comes along, and I don't think it's fair for us to be involved with these guys until they have had MANY years on their own before trying to start over again with dating. We need confident, independent men, not guys who are still hung up on their long-term marriages or who are still describing their wives' dying months to anyone who will listen.
I can relate! I've been seeing a guy for almost 4 years because I haven't had the energy to look for anyone else in my rural area, and he's very kind/nice. However, he still follows (rigidly) all of the family traditions that he and his wife and kids had, and there's no room for any introduction of new traditions involving me. Nor does he want to stay overnight in any place except the bedroom that he and his wife shared, and he doesn't invite me to stay there. It's totally weird and freaky.... if I were actually in a hurry to find a soulmate, I would end this completely, but since I'm basically waiting until my younger child graduates from high school in 1 1/2 years, this is some basic companionship. When I try to talk to him about any of these topics, he shows no emotion and gives no response. It's truly more of a friendship than a romance but he's in a dream world where he thinks just having somebody as a placeholder for his dead wife will do the trick. For me, it's dreadfully boring, but he's a pleasant person, but again, short-term until I can get out of this small-town area and go to a place where there are more interesting people to spend time with. There IS something about widowers, though, that makes it very sad for the next woman who comes along, and I don't think it's fair for us to be involved with these guys until they have had MANY years on their own before trying to start over again with dating. We need confident, independent men, not guys who are still hung up on their long-term marriages or who are still describing their wives' dying months to anyone who will listen.
Every guy is different.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Granted, the last gal that had qualms about dating me (age difference) wound up being my wife lol)
Hello everyone a Newbee here
Some gal out there is going to click with me and might be quite happy to wind up on the receiving end of the affections of a guy that has been lonely for too long. 
