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Then there's the middle-ground possibility: that she tried to tell me in her own way, but that I didn't pick up on her cues rather than I was actively ignoring them.
Women think men should know what they're thinking and feeling. But, alot just don't. Sometimes, it has to be spelled out (large letters).Sometimes even a man needs a loud megaphone in his ear to know what's wrong. Lol.
I wonder how the original poster could have stood not knowing why his wife left for over 5 years. It's odd. It sounds like the relationship had some major disconnects, emotionally speaking. Not judging, believe me, it's all tough, but it just sounds like there was a major disconnect between them.
..All of which gets me to thinking -- and I'm being serious here -- maybe I was supposed to "intuit" her reasons for leaving; maybe she thinks she's already told me. Huh.
That's quite possible.
I guess something that has just occured to me is, if she can just go, no explanation after all that time, what's to say she won't just pop up again 5 years from now in equally confusing circumstances?
I don't think you need to be seeking her out Drover, but have you thought about that and what you might do or say if she did? I realize it might seem really unlikely but it might be worth considering the possibility and having a plan of action just in case.
Last edited by moonshadow; 10-18-2008 at 06:40 PM..
The thing is perhaps there were clues in the relationship and you just did not pick up on them. When this happened to me I just detached myself from the relationship and we were "roommates" for about 4 months before I just said good bye. He was oblivious even though we/I had talked about our issues until I was blue in the face. I have not read through all the postings but this begs the question:
Have you moved on to other relationships or are you now married?
I ask this because if you have not, then you are still stuck wanting to know what you did wrong, if you did anything wrong at all. If you have moved on, I say, good for you. Perhaps to have some closure, I have heard of some people having a ceremony to say goodbye to that person. You could do it at a beach, or build a fire and burn a reminder, I don't know.
Good luck to you.
I'm really more interested in whether she "should" tell me, than the actual reason itself.
Yeah she should tell you. But cowards usually do the cowardly thing. However, if communication broke down that much, then that's probably why she left. It's tough living with someone you can't communicate with.
On the other hand, it's tough moving forward without the explanation. Does she maybe not want you to move forward? Clearly this is nagging at you or you wouldn't have created a post about it. Maybe you feel the need for closure? If so, close the book yourself, but I wouldn't count on her to do that for you. Recognize that you're probably better off and keep on moving.
Women think men should know what they're thinking and feeling. But, alot just don't. Sometimes, it has to be spelled out (large letters).Sometimes even a man needs a loud megaphone in his ear to know what's wrong. Lol.
I wonder how the original poster could have stood not knowing why his wife left for over 5 years. It's odd. It sounds like the relationship had some major disconnects, emotionally speaking. Not judging, believe me, it's all tough, but it just sounds like there was a major disconnect between them.
Well, I stood there because she said she would tell me and I figured she'd get around to it eventually; then after a while when she still hadn't, it started to matter less and less to the point where now I don't see that there's much to gain from knowing any more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonshadow
That's quite possible.
I guess something that has just occured to me is, if she can just go, no explanation after all that time, what's to say she won't pop up again 5 years from now?
I don't think you need to be seeking her out Drover, but have you thought about that and what you might do or say if she did? I realize it might seem really unlikely but it might be worth considering the possibility and having a plan of action just in case.
I'm almost certain that she's never looked back and never will. Someone who can just up and leave like that has already started to move on before they've even moved out. She knows where to find me if she wants to get in touch, and she never has except to finalize the business of dividing our stuff. I think if she wanted to "hold on" in any way shape or form she would have given some indication by now, even if just to drop me a line once in a while just to see how things are going.
If she does act completely out of character and does try to wriggle her way back into my life, I'd have to keep a lot of distance because my current wife would probably kill her and wouldn't understand why I'd want anything to do with her. The occasional e-mail to see how life is going and all that would be OK. Beyond that, she'd need to stay at arm's length.
Strangely enough, I came within half an inch of moving to the same city she lives in now. It's a pretty small city, and given our common interests we probably would have run into each other eventually had I moved there. I thought I was going to have to write her and say, "let's get together for a drink and clear the air now so that we don't have to do it on the spot when we bump into each other." Thankfully I got accepted to a school a lot closer to home at the last minute -- I had paid the seat deposit at the school in her town and everything (cancelled the check before they cashed it -- phew! ) -- so I didn't have to become her neighbor after all. That was quite a relief.
I left my boyfriend of 7 years and never discussed why with him. He ABSOLUTELY knows why I left though, there were about a thousand reasons. I just took what I could fit in my car and let the rest go. When he wouldn't stop calling me I got a restraining order. IMHO if you REALLY thought about it you would know why she left.
Someone who can just up and leave like that has already started to move on before they've even moved out.
Nobody just ups and leaves. Technically speaking, that's about how I left one marriage - announcing it a few days before moving out. BUT... I did talk about the issues bothering me more than enough; he kept driving me up the wall apparently thinking I'd never leave. Well, I did! It came to him as an enormous surprise. Guess like most other men he considered the no-fighting months preceding my leaving as "improvement." It's not improvement - it's the quiet before a storm when you've exhausted all possibilities and you've emotionally checked out of the marriage. Granted, I was in contact with him and even was willing to attempt to make amends after a few months.
I'm almost certain that she's never looked back and never will. Someone who can just up and leave like that has already started to move on before they've even moved out. She knows where to find me if she wants to get in touch, and she never has except to finalize the business of dividing our stuff. I think if she wanted to "hold on" in any way shape or form she would have given some indication by now, even if just to drop me a line once in a while just to see how things are going.
If she does act completely out of character and does try to wriggle her way back into my life, I'd have to keep a lot of distance because my current wife would probably kill her and wouldn't understand why I'd want anything to do with her. The occasional e-mail to see how life is going and all that would be OK. Beyond that, she'd need to stay at arm's length.
Strangely enough, I came within half an inch of moving to the same city she lives in now. It's a pretty small city, and given our common interests we probably would have run into each other eventually had I moved there. I thought I was going to have to write her and say, "let's get together for a drink and clear the air now so that we don't have to do it on the spot when we bump into each other." Thankfully I got accepted to a school a lot closer to home at the last minute -- I had paid the seat deposit at the school in her town and everything (cancelled the check before they cashed it -- phew! ) -- so I didn't have to become her neighbor after all. That was quite a relief.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about her having never looked back. I don't really see how that is possible. I mean unless she had some kind of Internal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind type procedure. It's really not possible that you haven't had an impact on the fabric of her life so she has to be thinking of you sometimes. That it has never equated to her wanting to offer an explaination for her actions probably has more to do with guilt perhaps? Or an awkwardness because she didn't explain early? Or maybe even, she is responding to your lack of questions as some kind of indication that you don't want to know? Could be a lot of things.
It's funny though the things from the past that up and slap you in the face one day. You've only got to look at all those folks from High School that are trawling around myspace and facebook looking for kids they knew 20 odd years ago and haven't spoken to since.
Anyway it sounds like you've got a fairly good attitude to the whole thing. I suppose it will be one of those things in your life that will forever go unanswered but seemingly you're living with that ok.
Last edited by moonshadow; 10-18-2008 at 10:05 PM..
So I've been thinking about this lately and I'm not sure why. My ex-wife left about 5-1/2 years ago. No warning, no alarm bells, just woke up one day and said "this isn't working, I'm outta here, bye." She was gone literally 10 minutes later, and I never saw her again. A chance to rectify things before leaving might have been nice, but looking back, the net result probably would have been the same anyway, so I'm not particularly angry with her for leaving.
So here's the thing: she never actually said why she left, though she was emphatic that she was not leaving me for someone else. I had no reason not to believe her then, nor have I since -- I have no reason to believe that she ever lied to me about anything. Right before she left, she said she'd tell me her reasons shortly thereafter. But she never did. (You think maybe this indicates that we had communication issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship? ) So the question is, should she still?
On the one hand, it really doesn't matter any more. There's been so much time and emotional distance between then and now that I don't reckon it will produce any constructive results. If anything, it might just cause us to bring up old feelings and arguments that should have been hashed out before separating rather than after. On the other hand, I figure one should at least have the common courtesy to explain something so basic to the person you've left after spending the previous 12 years of your life together.
It's not important enough for me to call her or write her or anything and demand an explanation. But is it something she still owes me after 5+ years? Did she ever owe it to me at all? Does it even matter if it won't change my life in any meaningful way?
Discuss.
Here Drover, let me make it easier for you...
She felt like her life was stagnant. She saw nothing in her future except to be someone's wife. She needed to be appreciated for her contribution to the world which she could not get from her relationship with you. She needed to find herself. She needed to do the things that she wanted to do before she got too old to do them. She needed to be come "all that she could be". You took her for granted, you became distant, too involved with your work. You did not talk to her, woo her, appreciate her like you did when you were dating.
She needed to do something with her life that was important. She needed to be respected for who she was and what she did. She could not grow in her domestic environment. She could not realize her dream. She felt oppressed, controlled, stuck. She loved you - but she was not "in love" with you.
There, now you know. I'm sure I left out a few. I'm sure that most of the divorced men in the audience can contribute with no problem.
Move on. Forget about it. Do not mull over your mistakes, there are new, exciting mistakes to be made.
20yrsinBranson
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That's quite possible. 
) -- so I didn't have to become her neighbor after all. That was quite a relief.
It's really not possible that you haven't had an impact on the fabric of her life so she has to be thinking of you sometimes. That it has never equated to her wanting to offer an explaination for her actions probably has more to do with guilt perhaps? Or an awkwardness because she didn't explain early? Or maybe even, she is responding to your lack of questions as some kind of indication that you don't want to know? Could be a lot of things. 
