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You know, I did check with DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) about a DNA test and was told that the test cost I believe $700 at that time (can't remember, but that amount sticks out in my mind) and also that I needed J to come in of his free will. If not, I would need an attorney to order him to take the test. I knew I couldn't afford that. I don't know whether the laws were different at that time (1985-1986) or whether I was given bad information. I did trust the information. I knew I couldn't afford a legal battle and my parents were angry at the time and made it clear they weren't going to help (and trust me, they didn't...in fact, I continued to pay rent at their house--$400 a month).
I did call the county (I think...or the state? Again, this was a long time ago...but I think it was my county) to find out whether I could receive some sort of assistance. They told me that there wasn't any halfway sort of program--I was making too much money working full-time to qualify for any programs they had at that time. She told me if I wanted assistance, I would have to not be working at all and be on Welfare. That was NOT an option for me. Added to the stigma of being a fatherless son, I didn't need to have P be a Welfare child too! So I just worked my *ss off. Seriously. Oh God those were tired days.
They were also sleep-on-a-couch days because when I moved from my parents' house at age 21, there was just no way I could afford a two-bedroom apartment. I gave the bedroom to P, again, so things could feel more "normal" for him. I wanted him to have his own little space.
I did go to J's house after P was born, with P in my arms, to tell him his son was born. He lived with his aunt and uncle at the time, and his aunt stood there screaming at me that I was a you-know (fill in the blank) and that the baby wasn't J's, which was a riot for a million reasons, not the least of which J and i had been engaged before we broke up and that our houses were literally down the street from one another...he'd literally have seen it if anyone had come to my house. P is also the absolute image of J, but of course that's beside the point; none of this was a DNA test.
So I left in tears, of course, and never tried to contact J again. All I had in the world was a brand-new baby, a job and some self-respect. And as I said, J did show up years later, twice, and I let him see P. It was devastating to P to finally have a father and then have that father disappear all over again, and of course I had to live through that with P too. P blamed me a lot. He had anger and behavior problems, resentment, fights at school and I got the "well, you're a scumbag single mother, of COURSE you don't know how to be a 'real' mother" condemning looks from the school each time...
Every Christmas P saw the thousands of dollars of toys other kids got and he got much less and he hated me for that too, for us "always being poor!".
I let P go to live with my brother after high school was over. As they drove away, I was telling P again that he could call me any time, etc. and P rolled up the window and gave me the middle finger. (He was home within three months. My brother just couldn't stand his attitude.)
Today I send P $50 a month for "fun money," but he does not live with us. His attitude is a nightmare, he still has so much hate and resentment. I had P in therapy during his growing-up years; it didn't help. He was even on antidepressants for a while. I DID get out of P recently a gem to the effect of, "Wow, Mom, I don't know how you did it...I don't have a kid to support and even I never know how I'm going to pay the rent." I almost fell down dead!
This was my life for two decades, loving a child who hated my guts for not giving him a father, and that father being off having fun. (Edit: I was married to my first husband for three years in the middle of all that; P hated his guts too.) So I guess maybe I do have resentment that's always in there but it only comes out once in a blue moon. I just feel like, what the hell was this all for?
You know what, though? Writing that all out (and I guess artsyguy is right...it does almost sound like Jerry Springer...you'd all be shocked to know that this happened in a very upscale neighborhood, to a girl--me--who probably wouldn't otherwise have suffered financially for one minute) makes me actually feel proud for the very first time. I guess I DID overcome quite a bit in the name of just loving my son. Maybe it does count for something. Maybe P does know it deep down.
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
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I'm sorry that your son has so much resentment and anger. That must hurt doubly so, on top of the neglect and rejection from his father. Let P live a little and grow up and I bet he will come around and come to understand you did the best you could given the circumstances. As an at times ungrateful child myself, it took me becoming a parent myself to stop blaming my single (after my dad died) mom for her flaws and failures, and understand we're all human and nobody's perfect, that we're all just doing the best we can. Sending positive vibes your way!
Yeah I remember you. I remember reading some of your posts and thinking "she seems like a real cool chick"
Thanks for being a good mom. It's the toughest job in the world. I'm sure your son, now that he's older, understands all you did for him and can see the light - I bet he would take back his misplaced anger of his youth if he could
Your son's dad has made his bed and has to lie in it. He might not show it, but don't think for a second he doesn't realize his regret. He threw away a relationship that he'll never get to have, a priceless lifetime father-son relationship
I suspect that your anger doesn't have much to do with the mans myspace status, in fact I know a lot of women that get pissed when they see some sperm donor claiming himself to be a "proud parent". Unfortunately myspace doesn't have a category for "uninvolved sperm donor"
artsyguy, I get the sarcasm but it really DOES hurt. I think you have to be a parent to know. I'm not going through tough times now...I'm married and have my younger two in the house. In fact, that was my point: that I don't understand how I can be angry about it now.
Oh, no, I understand your anger. Laughter, comedy, and humor is the best way to sooth it besides good food of course. Dancing helps too. All the best.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
LOL ellie!!!
artsyguy, I get the sarcasm but it really DOES hurt. I think you have to be a parent to know. I'm not going through tough times now...I'm married and have my younger two in the house. In fact, that was my point: that I don't understand how I can be angry about it now.
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