What do you do when you have been betrayed? (wife, girlfriend, marriage)

[Yorkie_Mom]

I have had the worst night of my life. My husband talked our child and I into going to his dads 85th birthday party. My husband chose not to tell two of his sons because he doesn't have anything to do with them.
My husbads ex wife has done nothing but put the two boys against us, she is working on the third son. So we go to the party, and out of the blue his two sons show up. I guess my husbands sister goes to a casino in Iowa where my husbands ex wife works at and they talk all the time, his ex has stated to others that my husbands family likes her better then me.
Well I guess my husbands sister invited his two sons knowing that we didn't get along, and while we were there, I was shunned, along with our child, I never felt so out of place, and you could tell everyone was talking behind your back, plus the looks they gave me.
I have been with my husband for 23 years, his ex 10 years, and if they want her they can have her, because I am not a put on, and I don't lie to others. I could also tell she had filled my husbands sister up with lies. I have never felt so out of place in my life. I feel that I have not only been betrayed by my husbands family but my husband himself, for not standing up for me a day in his life. I don't know if he is scared of them or what, but he sits back and lets things happen, why? because it is not him.
I feel hurt, rejected, beaten down, kicked in the stomach, what ever you want to do to me do it and get it over with treatment. I feel worse then a dog that has been abused. So any suggestions? I would have went else where but my only family and friends are all of you, so what would you do???

[ElkHunter]

Yorkie_mom,

There is no real answer to that. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what to say. There are things you can work on, but I'm not sure they will work.

You are always welcome at my house. Although I won't be here very long, I'm a traveling man. But my house, is my house. If you need a retreat, just let me know.

I have owned this house since 1993 and I've only lived here about 30 months. I keep traveling and I enjoy it. But I do like the fact that I have some place to come home too.

[Taboo]

Yorkie Mom, Well... where to beign ?? well at home of course. Get some answers out of that hubby of yours. Does he back you in other situations and just not around his family ?? What is the deal because the rest of my answer has a lot to do with his response. You see,with him in your corner, the rest is of no consequence as you have what you need in this world. Who gives a fiddlers fart what his family thinks, you do not need them and if it helps to think how I do when put in situations that disagree with me, here it is. Those folks are stuck with themselves, isn't that bad enough ?? !! You know who you are and what they think can never change that SO... you have options. Keep on going to functions with your head held high, knowing who you are and what you are about..or.. avoid them like the plague cause they make you feel like you have contracted the plague whenever you are around them and that is self defeating and by the sound of it.. they are nowhere near deserving of your sanity. Get that Hubby on board !!!!! Good Luck

[Yorkie_Mom]

Originally Posted by Taboo

Yorkie Mom, Well... where to beign ?? well at home of course. Get some answers out of that hubby of yours. Does he back you in other situations and just not around his family ?? What is the deal because the rest of my answer has a lot to do with his response. You see,with him in your corner, the rest is of no consequence as you have what you need in this world. Who gives a fiddlers fart what his family thinks, you do not need them and if it helps to think how I do when put in situations that disagree with me, here it is. Those folks are stuck with themselves, isn't that bad enough ?? !! You know who you are and what they think can never change that SO... you have options. Keep on going to functions with your head held high, knowing who you are and what you are about..or.. avoid them like the plague cause they make you feel like you have contracted the plague whenever you are around them and that is self defeating and by the sound of it.. they are nowhere near deserving of your sanity. Get that Hubby on board !!!!! Good Luck

The hubby has never taken control, not even with his sons, his kids were 3, 7, 10 when I met him, I was the one to lay the law down. But when they got older and taller then I, then I tild their father he needed to take the reins. He did nothing, I don't know if he was worried that they would hate him, or just because the divorce he couldn't do the job, but he has let them walk all over me, along with his family.
I say he is not a man, a man stands up for his wife, he on the other hand walks away, like it will go away on it's own. I chose to stay away and become a hermit. I would rather be by myself then to have others hurt and walk over me. I never had enough self esteem and I am proud of myself for making it this far in life. Thanks for asking, but I feel I picked the wrong one to marry after all these years.

[Blue Grass Fever]

Dang! My heart goes out to you! Nothing i say can nor will make it better for your situation. My prayers and thoughts go out to you!

B G F

[ElkHunter]

You have other options. If you need so, do it.

[Rance]

I think you should have told the whole crowd to kiss your you know what before you left! That appears to be a very negative place for you, and I would avoid it in the future.

[Mrs.Bewitched]

Have you ever talked to your husband about it? Men need examples too so you should be able to say "this time..." "that time...". Before you leave, you need to make sure that he knows exactly what your troubles and your problem is with him, so that he can't ever turn the tables and say "well, she never told me". If he's like mine, and probably doesn't listen well, or it turns into a big fight arguement and then it never gets finished...I would write him a letter. Write him everything that you are thinking, and yes, tell him that you are wanting a divorce as well (if you are), if he doesn't can up. Have him read it away from you. Maybe give him a pen and have him right down some points too.

Now, if this has been mentioned before, and the talk has been there...and divorce has been mentioned before and still no change, maybe you need to give him a scare. Leave. I am not saying divorce, just leave. He probably won't believe that you will divorce him being as you have a child by him, have been with him so long, you're probably not too young (I am only assuming that by the 23 years comment!!!) and he probably feels secure that you won't leave and divorce. So leave. Let him know it's a test. You will still purposefully go to family functions and pray that they start with you, just to see what your husband does. I agree, his family shouldn't mean anything to you, but it's not so much as the family disrespecting you and the fact your husband doesn't put them in their place.

You don't want to be 90 years old and with him, and look back as you're dying and regret how miserable you were your whole life and never changed it for the better. I have had these thoughts too

[CelticLady1]

I hesitated to tell you my opinion, because, obviously, you are the one going through this, (I am fortunate that I have a husband who respects me more than that, and if he didn't, well, let's just say there would be an attitude adjustment real quick. I refuse to let anyone step on me!). However, what prompted me to say something was this: you have a child, (a daughter, if I recall correctly). If not for your sake, then for her's, you need to do some serious thinking and talking, coupled with some serious action! I'm not saying that you should divorce. That is something you will have to decide, (although I think MRSHVO was on the right track with her comments). Obviously, you are well aware that this is not good for your child to wittness this lack of respect on the part of her father. And, any man who doesn't stand up for his wife, is clearly disrespectful of her. This is not a good thing for your daughter, as it will give her the wrong impression, either that all men are like this, or that as a woman she will have to put up with this sort of behaviour, (or, most likely, both). In my opinon, it's a type of abuse. I don't mean from you; I mean her father. But, my point is, do you want your daughter to grow up with this skewed vision of what a marriage should be? Do you want her to have the same low self-esteem you have? Obviously, as a loving mother, you don't, so you have to take some action. If you can't get your husband to family counseling, (and, by the way, I would take myself and my child to counseling, at the very least), then try MRSHVO's idea about writing out your feelings, needs, and expectations, and have him read it, and try to get him to respond, in kind. If that doesn't work, then step it up! You must be proactive in this situation, both for your sake, and that of your daughter! Time to be a mama bear, and protect your baby, (if you know what I mean)! I'm pulling for you!

[FLPL75]

Yorkie mom
I am going to tell you what a friend said to me years ago when I was letting people walk all over me
"girlfriend you need to grow a pair"
after I stopped laughing because I would of never expected this to come form her . I thought about it. really thought about it.
Your husband needs a wake up call.

" I feel hurt, rejected, beaten down, kicked in the stomach, what ever you want to do to me do it and get it over with treatment. I feel worse then a dog that has been abused. So any suggestions? I would have went else where but my only family and friends are all of you, so what would you do???"

What I would do is the one thing you didn't say. I would be PISSED off big time.
I know people say getting angry doesn't solve anything, but in this situation you need to get mad.
Mad that he treats you this way
Mad that your daughter is being exposed to this. I agree with those that say she is being taught to accept behavoir that is unacceptable.
It is time to break the chain. You owe it to yourself and her.
It could be as easy as the next time your husband wants to look the other way say to him in a firm (not yelling) voice "you will not treat me or this situation this way. After so many years he has become comfortable with how things are. Well it is time to "shake things up"

Personally I think you should get out of the situation but if you need time to achieve this next time there is a family "event" tell him to have fun and make plans for you and your daughter. Saying no the first time is the hardest.

Please please see if you can get some counseling, as you can tell by how easy it is to share things here, being able to talk to someone that is not involved in the situation is easier than talking to friends or family.

Keeping you in my prayers.

karla