I need some advice with this relationship!!! (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend)
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The current relationship that I'm in is a complicated one and I have no idea where its going. I've know this girl for several years now and we started talking years ago, and things kinda died off when she got pregnant by her current live-in beau... Over the past 4 years I have watched that relationship become toxic, she leaves, he leaves her numerous times, while she was pregnant, before her daughter was born, after she was born, and each subsequent time he gets laid off work, and then sometimes she would leave him... I've seen him get physical with her, verbal abusive and mental abusive... Most of the time in that period of time I turned the other cheek because I was married and it wasn't my place to interfere.
Me on the other hand, I've been divorced for 2 years, by a cheating wife which I put up with it once and when the second time occurred she left. So, that is overwith and done all free and clear.
Back about 5 months ago, me and the girl that I'm involved with started talking at work, nothing serious at all, just conversation between co-workers... Things started to take off a little and I didn't realize that they were because at the time I really wasn't looking for a relationship or even thought I had any form of chance with this girl period. Well, in the past 5 months, we have spent plenty of time together, well, as much as possible, and with her and our schedules its hard, we both have weird work schedules, she has a daughter, I'm working 2 jobs, and she dealing with work, school and her daughter plus all the house work on her own..
And I guess you wonder where is the beau... Out of town working.. and only comes home 1 day a week if that, however, he has the means to come home everyday with no expense to him, but chooses to stay away for a unknown reason and refuses to come home in the evenings... Heck, if was me and I had a daughter and ability to come home everyday I'd be there in a heartbeat..
But there is something up on his end, this girl that I'm involved with has made numerous attempts to surprise him and yet he gets defensive and yells at her and degrades her, how do I know I was on the other end of the phone in her pocket and heard it first hand several times... And seen how devistated she was after it happened, and most of this has occurred prior to us really taking off...
So, back to the situation... We started talking, one thing led to another, dinner, football games, spending time together, talking, making connections, and this all occurred face to face, text, work etc. Then after this went on for a 2 months and then we both realized that we were getting emotional and developing feelings for one another, but still going on our own path... Yes, and her dealing with her toxic beau and me left to pick the pieces up, which I didn't care to do and don't care to do... We have became sexual and its not all based on sex either, I mean there are plenty of times we have been together that things could have happen without a shadow of a doubt but we didn't because we decided everything is not about sex.
Also, in these past 5 months we have been involved with her daughter, taking her places, doing things, involving her too, and not forgetting the fact that she is there too, and she is important to her and I understand that and it doesn't bother me... And actually her daughter and I has started to build a bond.
So, in the last month, things have became extremely complicated, her beau once again got laid off work, and hasn't done much but sit and complain, belittle, yell, fight because he doesn't feel he has to do anything... He thought that since he worked out of town and he sent his check home every week that's all they needed to be happy wether he was there or not.. And when he did come home the one day a week, he always complained about things not being done around the house... I mean she took care of their daughter, worked, went to school, all the house work and yard work on her own and when he comes home he complains about something that isn't done... He really didn't want to do anything with her daughter other than he's home.. I mean the way I look at it is, he provides the check and expects everything to get done and that's all he has to do to make them happy but doesn't understand it takes more than that. And now that the beau is laid off, he told her that she was going to have to work now, when before he complained about her working and going to school.. Imagine that... But yet doesn't want to do anything but do whatever he wants and complains when she can't get things done because, she is working, school and taking care of their daughter.
Her beau has even said that he didn't want to be there, but was staying for their daughter. However, on the other side she has said she was leaving and he could stay in the house and he refused because its her house and told her that it's her house and he didn't want to stay there.. And that he wanted to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and she needed to let him do it. There has already been the conversation between the two about the break-up and custody of the children and child support and he offered everything up... Basically, the way I take it, is that he wants her to tell him to leave again, so that if anything goes wrong he can pin it all back on her and use it against her as a alley-way back into the picture... And even the last few times they had split he had threatened to hurt himself if she didn't take him back, etc.
So, currently.. Here is where her and I stand... Yes, we have feelings for one another, we have a great working relationship when we can and with her daughter... We have lots of common interests and when we are together things flow good... We both have came to a agreement that we love each other and want to be together, and see where this takes us... But on the other hand she wants her beau to get the picture and she has told him, that she doesn't love him and knows things aren't going to work and haven't worked in years and each time they split and get back together their relationship gets worse and worse and gets more abusive from him, as well. I was asked the question from her what do I do? I told her that seems her mind is made up and she knows what has to be done, its not my decision it's hers alone, wether you tell him to leave or you leave yourself... But yet she is worried about what the beau will do... Not that her and I can get along and accomodate life and schedule changes for one another we are very understanding of this and had that conversation several times..
But in the last week I have seen real depression set into her.. The question of knowing that things are complicated and she wants to do whats right and we both knew how complicated things were when we finally became involved and what this entailed... I told her I understood that, and she says I want to be with you, but I'm concerned from her past relationships that have all turned toxic that its purely her fault and doesn't want things to turn toxic with us months or years down the road... And she fears it!!! Her friends and family that know has personally told me that they have never ever seen her as happy as she is with me and when we are together and they have told her that and each time they say she just smiles and crys... But yet she still fears that it won't last... I always told her you know what you want to do and what has to be done to take the chance... She agreed that it's on her end of the situation.
We have tried to take a few weeks off to see where that goes, and it only made things between us stronger and more passionate and strive for being apart of one anothers life more fluent and wanted. I mean in that period of time it was no conversations, no physicial or visual interaction... Then one day we both almost the same time one called on the landline one on the phone at almost the same time... Never planned that!!! And things took off even more...
But now over the past 3 days I keep getting asked how do I leave him or tell him to leave without making what we have the reason? My only response is it the real reason is you and I, or is it your mind has been made up a longtime ago and I was just standing here when you left or was there when he left... I told her I think your mind was made up way before we even started... But also, she worries about what people will think about it, she fears what the beau will do, fears that everything will blow up...
Her friends which are currently, my friends but have been somewhat out of the loop cornered me yesterday... One of them being her girl friend of a really long time told me that don't give up on her that the beau is going to lose it and flip out and she is going to need me when he does, it happened in the past each time he gets laid off.. They just cannot stand one another... Her girlfriend told and showed me text messages of their conversations about the girl I'm involved with how she felt and how she wants to be with me was just confused on how to go about it, how good we are together and how I am with her daughter and wondered where I was years ago...
It's like i'm sorta stuck in a rock and hard place until she figures out what to do... I don't like playing games and I really don't think she is playing games... We all see it, she is scared. Scared of everything... I have laid all my thoughts and feelings on the table and we are getting ready to hit our 6 month involvement in this and I want things to take off... It seems she wants me to do something, do something to give her the piece of mind and ok that it's going to be ok, but yet doesn't want our relationship to be the reason... I don't want to give up on this girl, I've really gotten to know her well at work and now in the last 6 months never thought our relationship would have ever evolved to this, I'd never thought it would have gotten to the point of really loving one another...
I just need some advice on what to tell her, how to build her self-esteem and confidence up to do what she knows she has to do to be happy and move on, but she dwells in the past and bases every bad thing in the past and automatically assumes thats the way its going to be now...
I read the whole thing, and I still don't know what to say.
Why is she dragging her feet? Is she afraid of violence from her soon-to-be-ex? All she has to do is call him when he's away (is he working now, or is he unemployed and hanging around the house all the time?), tell him it's over, and have the locks on the house changed. It's pretty simple. What's holding it up? The breakup doesn't have to have anything to do with you. The relationship has been in a failed mode for as long as she & the other guy have been non-together. It's obvious it hasn't been working for a long time, he wouldn't deny that. So she just needs to end it on its own merits. Or demerits. It doesn't have to be about you. But she needs to actually DO something. Call him, or tell him when he's home that she wants him out, and that she doesn't want to expose her daughter to any more arguing and disharmony in the home.
This is the thing that me and her friends don't understand either... They both know and understand that things aren't going to work... I have tried to explain it to her its not all about me... I've tried to figure out why she hasn't done anything yet and I keep getting, I don't know how and I'm so confused about what to do, I don't love him.. No he is laid off from work now and is hanging around all the time and upsetting her... I remember when he came home we was on the phone and she immediately started to cry and said I guess she had to deal with his crap... I said no you don't... I don't know if she hangs on for their daughter or what... But when i hear mommy, why does daddy hate you, or mom whats that on your face did daddy hit you... That really tares me up coming from a 2 year old... I really don't know why she won't end it? maybe I need to give it some time and not force the issue and deal with the wait.. I honestly, feel a connection to this girl and her daughter that I would have never thought I would experience and her mother said, I would have never thought her daughter and I would have started to bond the way we did either, I've even seen her cry about it and say you actually accept us both, I said I love you, and I can't love one with out the other, being my flesh and blood or not.
But seems that she has been beatdown self-esteem and self-conscience wise it scares her to think immediately that it will never work and she is stuck... I don't know how to pick her up and see that things will be better..
Zeurich, it's about me being involved with a woman that has a 2yr. old that has a beau living at her house that causes her grief and heartache, abuse mentally, verbally and physically.. She knows she wants out with me but doesn't want it to look like it, but is scared that later down the road things will not work with her, I and her daughter that it will be the same as her past.. And she is afraid to either leave or tell him to leave because of the fear of what he will do, even though he said he wants to get out and do whatever he wants and she needs to let him do it... I really don't understand what is holding her back from doing what she knows she has to do to be happy again or really good chance to be happy again. I mean she says its complicated, and she is confused, on how to do it and is scared... I don't know what to say or do to make her feel better about the situation, she says she wants everything we have and want to have but it's not that easy...
It's not complicated at all. She is having a secret affair and you are the other man. She says she is going to leave him but never quite gets around to it. Meanwhile the child in this situation sees mom with another guy who isn't daddy and feels confused and insecure.
It's not complicated at all. She is having a secret affair and you are the other man. She says she is going to leave him but never quite gets around to it. Meanwhile the child in this situation sees mom with another guy who isn't daddy and feels confused and insecure.
I predict that this will not end well.
Nice cliff notes and probably more correct than the original poster wants to admit.
Original Poster: You are being used by this girl, she is the female version of the married guy who is going to leave his wife "someday" because things are so bad.
Apparently things are not bad enough for her to get away from this boyfriend so your choice is to accept the fact that she is not going to change things and continue as you are or cut ties with her and move on and don't look back.
OP I think before you get even more involved with this woman you should look at the fact you are choosing, yet again, a cheater. Your wife cheated, this 'coworker/friend' is cheating. What is attracting you to woman who can't keep their legs closed? The fact she has her daughter around you is just incredibly irresponsible as a parent, not that I see you caring particularly about ethics or moral standards.
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