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You're twisting my words. I wouldn't expect anybody to necessarily be turned on by the habit, but the difference between you and me is that I'm turned off by it...you're not. There's nothing that turns you off on a guy? You'll tolerate anything because they're a good man despite their bad habits?
Just because Barack Obama is the president elect, his smoking habit would still have the same affect on me. I wouldn't be willing to overlook that habit because of someone's career or title.
There are plenty of other great individuals out there that don't smoke and dislike the habit just as much as myself. (I was fortunate and found one. )
Or the woman could be thinking "such a shame the guy smokes."
Not all drug users/abusers steal. Some may be using them legally (prescription meds.) And people do steal to buy cigarettes and there is a black market for cigs.
My comparison to "habits" was in reference to your comment about passing up a good man. Why is it wrong for me to pass up a smoker, but not wrong for you to pass up a drug user? That drug user may be a wonderful man who "gets you"...he just has a bad habit.
You're entitled to your opinion, but again, I knew there was someone out there who was just as good who didn't smoke. There are A LOT of fish in the sea.
I do see what you're saying, that if given the choice you wouldn't chose a smoker. However, you're not getting my point either. There are many things that turn me off: dishonesty, infidelity, can't handle money etc.,
My question is, if you found out the person you were dating smoked, would you leave him/her if it was an otherwise perfect relationship?
See to me, something that's superficial and would never be a good enough reason to leave a man. It has to be something serious like abuse, infidelity, bad father, worse SO, can't hold a job, irresponsible etc. To me, bad habits are just not on this level. At least not any that I can think of right now. Of course I'm not talking about people with full blown problems. We're talking about regular stuff, and not people who need to go to a meeting.
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Personally, I find excessive weight gain unappealing, but when my ex gained weight I didn't leave him because he got fat, the thought never crossed my mind. He was a good man and very good to me
Do you think you would have been with him if he had that excessive weight from the very beginning?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
I wasn't constantly telling him that I didn't want to kiss him because his face was too fat
But was that what you were thinking??? Why would it be any different for a non-smoker kissing a smoker, thinking to themself "he stinks, I'm gonna' gag."
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
and I wasn't telling him that all that weight was killing him. I told him how I felt and left it alone. He still hasn't lost the weight but I can honestly say it had nothing to do with the break up.
So what did tell him if it was unrelated to his health?
I think most non-smokers know that smoking isn't an easy habit to give up. It's not a discussion that goes over well in a relationship and if someone hasn't given up the habit to begin with when they know the other person dislikes it, why or how are they going to give the habit up later???
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
It reminds me of a saying that my mom used "You don't throw the baby out with the bath water". I guess because I am an open minded person and my list of non negotiables include things like not abusive, has job, can make me laugh, just overall treats me well and I just find it hard to believe that if you found a man who treated you better than anyone else, you would feel comfortable leaving the relationship because he smoked? And that sounds like a good decision to you? Really?
I know for me personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a smoker to begin with. All the men I dated happened to have the same stance as me when it came to smoking and they were looking for the same from a woman. For the most part, smoking isn't like gaining weight in a relationship. Most people don't just start taking up smoking in their 30s so there isn't much concern for that happening down the road.
HAWK J...my sympathy in your wifes passing. My heart goes out to you. Out of the service in 1952 a buddy went to Mortuary school and told me the conditions of a lung from smoking. He had to witness autopsys as part of his training. I did not listen hard enough. Eventually I did quit on Sept 1st 1966 because the price was going up $1.00 a carton. My wife was a pack and a half day smoker and I tried to get her to stop. Fast forward to 1973. You guessed it...in 5 months from diagnosis she was gone. My eldest daughter (also a smoker) just passed away in Sept this yr from Breast Cancer down into the liver. Again she would not quit and another 5 months. Some people just don't learn. My oldest son smokes and I'm dreading the future as I've only a few yrs left and do not want to bury another of my kids before their time. Steve
Thankyou Brother Steve, my heart aches & goes out to you too. It is so sad i know.I've seen too many lives lost over the years......................................
They have had me take tests & xrays,etc at the VA hospital. Tests show i am ok............so far..............i haven't smoked anymore.
Do you think you would have been with him if he had that excessive weight from the very beginning?
But was that what you were thinking??? Why would it be any different for a non-smoker kissing a smoker, thinking to themself "he stinks, I'm gonna' gag."
So what did tell him if it was unrelated to his health?
I think most non-smokers know that smoking isn't an easy habit to give up. It's not a discussion that goes over well in a relationship and if someone hasn't given up the habit to begin with when they know the other person dislikes it, why or how are they going to give the habit up later???
I know for me personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a smoker to begin with. All the men I dated happened to have the same stance as me when it came to smoking and they were looking for the same from a woman. For the most part, smoking isn't like gaining weight in a relationship. Most people don't just start taking up smoking in their 30s so there isn't much concern for that happening down the road.
Do you think you would have been with him if he had that excessive weight from the very beginning?
Yes, I've never been a "looks" person. I care more about the way a man treats me than if they have a few extra pounds. A look at my past Ex's would definitely get a "wth". I definitely have a thing for quiet, nerdy types. I also have an ex who was 20 years older than I am . We used to get "looks" all the time, I didn't care. My fiance is the most beautiful man I've ever dated .
But was that what you were thinking??? Why would it be any different for a non-smoker kissing a smoker, thinking to themself "he stinks, I'm gonna' gag."
No, I wasn't thinking about that. When he first put it on, it caught my attention but after I mentioned it and he was like "yeah I know", I let it go, it just wasn't a deal breaker. It's not like he changed because of the weight. But we're talking about 50 - 60 pounds on a man who was about 5'9. He wasn't morbidly obese, just much bigger than when I met him.
So what did tell him if it was unrelated to his health?
Didn't tell him anything, he's a grown man. He knows the risk of being overweight. I will admit, that sometimes with his shirt off I would be like "whoa". That six pack really is a six pack now.
I know for me personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a smoker to begin with. All the men I dated happened to have the same stance as me when it came to smoking and they were looking for the same from a woman. For the most part, smoking isn't like gaining weight in a relationship. Most people don't just start taking up smoking in their 30s so there isn't much concern for that happening down the road.
I started smoking when I was 30 years old. It was my way of dealing with the stress of caring for my mom. My BF at the time (the 20 years older guy) didn't like it one bit. He would refuse to buy them for me, didn't stop me one bit though, and we didn't break up over it either. It was more the age than the smoking. That's why I was asking what if you were already dating the person.
I wouldn't date a smoker unless the rest of him was so great that it didn't matter. For example if I got to know him at work and he couldn't smoke there, so I didn't know he was a smoker, but liked him for the rest of what he was.
I would never like it and I hate the smell. It also gives me a headache sometimes. Plus it would bother me that someone I cared about was voluntarily hurting himself. It might lead to some arguments. Overall it's just not a good thing.
No, I wasn't thinking about that. When he first put it on, it caught my attention but after I mentioned it and he was like "yeah I know", I let it go, it just wasn't a deal breaker. It's not like he changed because of the weight. But we're talking about 50 - 60 pounds on a man who was about 5'9. He wasn't morbidly obese, just much bigger than when I met him.
But what if he gained 100+ lbs. Would it still not make a difference to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
So what did tell him if it was unrelated to his health?
Didn't tell him anything, he's a grown man.He knows the risk of being overweight. I will admit, that sometimes with his shirt off I would be like "whoa". That six pack really is a six pack now.
That's exactly my point. You keep stating that smoking is something that can be discussed and worked out with your SO, but in general, it can't. There's nothing to discuss that the smoker doesn't already know. If the smoker in the relationship is already aware that the non-smoker dislikes the habit, but doesn't want to or can't quit, then why should the non-smoker have to accept the the smokers habit? (There are a number of habits/addictions that I wouldn't be able to overlook: gambling, porn, alcohol just because they were a good individual. In general, those "habits" don't improve with age. The difference with the smoking habit is that it's usually much more obvious than the others.)
And like the weight issue with your ex, based on your quote in highlighted blue, despite you saying you're not a "looks" person, those thoughts were in the back of your head. Do you think that makes for a healthy relationship to constantly have those types of feelings about your SO? Don't you think that will have an impact on your desires for your SO?
What if your SO bathed once a week or less and had an odor? Would you be willing to overlook that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
I started smoking when I was 30 years old. It was my way of dealing with the stress of caring for my mom. My BF at the time (the 20 years older guy) didn't like it one bit. He would refuse to buy them for me, didn't stop me one bit though, and we didn't break up over it either. It was more the age than the smoking. That's why I was asking what if you were already dating the person.
I would have to question why someone would start smoking at 30, stress or not. What influenced you to do so? You just decided "hey, let me test these cigarettes out and see if they truly help to relieve the stress"??
Are you sure your smoking didn't have any impact on your break up??? I think I'd much rather hear from someone who started smoking during a relationship and is still in it as proof that their smoking didn't have any impact.
Also, no one argues that smoking is healthy but I do find it ironic when people who have other equally bad habits (eating and otherwise) who are quick to point the finger at smokers.
Huh? That IS the topic here. No one is being "quick" about anything. And you can judge what is "equally bad" for everyone? Really???
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
I just find it hard to believe that if you found a man who treated you better than anyone else, you would feel comfortable leaving the relationship because he smoked? And that sounds like a good decision to you? Really?
I would never get INTO a relationship with someone that smoked. That was the question, wasn't it?? Leaving isn't a problem...it never would have gotten off the ground.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 11-27-2008 at 08:39 AM..
I was young and stupid years ago and married someone who smoked. Of course he said he would quit when we got married. It was important to me since I was allergic. He somehow smokes for years and I did not know. He would come in the back door, brush his teeth and pop a mint. I think he smoked in his car with the windows opened. He had started smoking when he was eleven.how sad. We divorced in '87 and my daughter said he just stopped two years ago after four heart attacks. I think when the doctor finally said they couldn't do anything else it scared him enough.
Not being a smoker I guess I can't imagine the hold it seems to have on some people.
What if your SO bathed once a week or less and had an odor? Would you be willing to overlook that?.
I need that puking smiley! This made me gag a little. That would be a huge HUGE dealbreaker for me!
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheImportersWife
I would have to question why someone would start smoking at 30, stress or not. What influenced you to do so? You just decided "hey, let me test these cigarettes out and see if they truly help to relieve the stress"??
Are you sure your smoking didn't have any impact on your break up??? I think I'd much rather hear from someone who started smoking during a relationship and is still in it as proof that their smoking didn't have any impact.
This is a good question and statistically speaking it seems to be fairly rare that someone starts at the age of 30. I would also wager that at some point when he was talking to his buddies, he mentioned that you were a smoker in way of explanation of why you aren't together anymore. I'm not suggesting that was the reason or even part of it, but I would bet he said it at some point.
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There are plenty of other great individuals out there that don't smoke and dislike the habit just as much as myself. (I was fortunate and found one. 
)
.how sad. We divorced in '87 and my daughter said he just stopped two years ago after four heart attacks. I think when the doctor finally said they couldn't do anything else it scared him enough.
